Friday, April 13th, 2012
i used to love to write. that’s not to say i’ve ever been great at it, but has always been something i love to do. there was a time, years ago, when i’d write on a regular basis: poems, journal entries, short stories, whatever. i’d write something new on at least a weekly basis.
tonight’s the first time i’ve visited my own blog in about five months. it makes me a bit sad. it seems that bit of me that used to so enjoy writing, enjoy the feel of the keyboard moving under my fingers. now i find that drive in me, that urge to write, is all but gone. i haven’t written a story, or poem in ages. and i know that vast majority of posts here were written as an outlet to express a dark mood, a window through which i try to expel my demons. Read the rest of this entry »
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
as i start this post, i find myself a bit conflicted. on the one hand, it’s been suggested/requested by a good friend of mine that i write a couple of posts on particular topics. on the other hand, the topics in question are not only particularly personal, but they will be virtually impossible to write without a nearly direct reference to people i know, friends who might read the post and be compelled to respond. the posts would, by just about every definition, be about those friends.
what’s more, it’s been pointed out to me recently that my somewhat regular posts about my abysmal love live can be a bit of a “turn-off.” to some extent, i get that. i understand girls like someone who is self-confident and while i’m far more self-confident than i was just a handful of years ago, i still have a long way to go. if i follow my friend’s suggestion and write on one of these particular topics, i’ll be perpetuating my track record of longing-for-love-type posts and in both instances, i’d be breaking one of my general rules about explicitly referring to people in my life. what to do?
Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
april 29, 2010. it was the last day of the 2010 legislative session and the last day i worked to collect a paycheck for over a year. in fact, it would be 565 days, or one year, six months, and 17 days until i was once again a fully employed person, but we’ll come back to that in a bit….
like so many others, i’m sure, when i graduated college, i never imagined that i’d someday be a statistic collecting unemployment benefits, but there i was 565 days without a job, without a retirement plan or legitimate health insurance. while it has, at times, been frustrating, i can’t say i minded it all that much. i was able to really commit to the thing i’m most passionate about: politics. i can’t say i spent 40 hours every week of that 565 days doing political stuff, but i spent a lot of the vast majority of time doing just that and i loved it. Read the rest of this entry »
Sunday, November 27th, 2011
since january 2009, my life has been in some regular degree of transition. on january 1st of that year, asb-bishop insurance agency was officially purchased by monarch insurance services. as a result of that purchase, many people i had worked with for years, people who had worked at bishop insurance their whole lives, lost their jobs, including my immediate superviser and the agency manger. even with the huge bonus from the bank, it was a tough pill to swallow and it wasn’t too long before i started actively looking for employment elsewhere.
looking back now, i see clearly that the outcome the next two years can be traced back to that day and that bonus check. Read the rest of this entry »
Monday, September 26th, 2011
so says the clock on my computer and i’m wide awake, more or less. it’s been quite some time since i’ve had trouble sleeping, so much so that i can’t really remember the last time i had any trouble. i could blame it on the half-cup of coffee i had this afternoon, but i caffeine usually doesn’t have this kind of effect on me, certainly not a half-cup. i’m not sure what it is. i’m not really troubled, though i’ve got some “stuff” coming up in the next couple of months that i’m not particularly looking forward to. on the other hand, there is some good stuff and given some of the responses to my last post, i’m going to choose to focus on those good things here, rather than dwell on those that are more troubling.
for starters, it seems my extended streak of unemployment might very shortly be coming to an end. i’ve gotten word from a friend with whom i’ve been working (volunteering) that i’m on the verge of getting hired. the details, such as salary and start date, are still pending but approximate dates have been thrown out, something that hasn’t happened in the five months since she first mentioned the possibility of a job to me. i’ve been doing some work helping her and it sounds like “the boss” has been at least somewhat impressed with our collective work product. Read the rest of this entry »
Monday, September 5th, 2011
over drinks a few days back, a friend of mine commented that this blog is depressing. a reference to “wrist-slitting” drove home his point to me. of course, i’m aware of what i choose to post here and wasn’t really surprised by his comments, though i have to say it was the first time anyone had said as much to me directly. so, as i tend to do, i’ve been ruminating on his statements since then.
this blog, which i created years ago as an online diary, of sorts, has always been an outlet for me to pour out all my thoughts and feelings. for the most part, that’s always meant melancholy and depressing posts. since middle school, when i started keeping a journal, the dark and sad feelings and thoughts are almost all i’ve ever bothered to write down and i guess over time it’s turned into a bad habit of sorts. when things are good and my mood is up beat, i’m less inclined to write, if only because i’m busy doing more productive things with my time. only when my mood turns south do i find it hard to concentrate on other things and am therefore more likely to write here.
he made another point, which was a bit more hard-hitting and i think is ultimately why i’m writing here this evening; so many posts are about this girl or that and he commented that i was never going to meet someone if i always seem depressed and unconfident. while i can’t deny the truth in his observation, i have to say it’s a bit more complicated than that.
for one thing, there are, as far as i’ve been able to tell, only a handful of people i actually know who frequent this site. put another way, i don’t think there are many, if any at all, women who might be interested in me prior to wandering upon this site only to find that i’m a sad and disturbed individual. while i see his point, i find it hard to believe that the contents of this blog have contributed to my perpetual bachelorhood. though maybe his point was that it doesn’t help, which could be hard for me to deny.
then, of course, there is the reality; i’m shy by nature and though a few years of therapy helped a great deal, i still struggle with a wavering self-confidence. for better or worse, this blog reflects that reality. i can say that i am leaps and bounds better than i was, but still have issues than may, or may not, always be with me. and for reasons i’m not keen to get into here, i’ve never been one to put up a front for the sake of dating; what you see is what you get, for better or for worse. maybe that mentality has been a major contributing factor and can explain why i’ve never been particularly interested in, or good at, playing the dating game. who knows? maybe that’s all bullshit and it’s all a cop-out….
really, while i wanted to address my friend’s comments, i hadn’t intended to get into a long essay of self-reflection. what i really wanted to say was this; on some level, my friend has a point. maybe about girl stuff, but more directly about the depressing tone of this blog. if i want more people to read it, it needs to be less depressing. so, while i won’t promise you won’t see as many depressing posts, i will made a good faith effort at trying to write more often, on a wider array of topics, thus balancing out the tone of regardingfrost to more closely reflect the balanced mood of my day-to-day life.
Wednesday, August 10th, 2011
…until i’m out of here. not permanently, but for a couple of weeks. and i need it.
it’s been a rough few weeks; the stress of being jobless continues lay heavier on me a bit more every day and frustrating thoughts and feelings have recently made it a bit harder for me to focus. though there seem to potentially be good things just over the horizon, at least with respect to a job, there’s a level of uncertainty that keeps me unsettled about it.
on friday afternoon i leave for st. paul to spend a couple of weeks with family. it’ll be a nice respite from my life here and an opportunity to clear my head a bit. while i’ve learned running to another state won’t allow me to escape my problems, even for a couple of weeks, the distraction will be welcome.
i hope to return to promising news on the job front and a more settled emotional state.
Saturday, August 6th, 2011
it’s strange how a dream can alter one’s perception of their reality and this is something i’ve been thinking about for the last few days and though this recent train of thought comes on the heels of a rather nice, but unsettling dream i had a couple of weeks ago. while i understand everyone supposedly dreams every night, i often say “i don’t dream very often.” what i guess this means in reality is that i don’t recall my dreams very often. it’s always been the case and imagine it has something to do with the fact that i’ve never slept very well.
because “i don’t dream very often,” it’s quite rare that i awake in the morning with a perception that is different from the one i had when i went to sleep. it’s so rare, in fact, that i can count on one hand the number of times it’s happened. now, while i understand that human beings dream every night while they sleep, i remember reading, or hearing, that dreams help us make sense of our days, our lives, putting thoughts and feelings in some order that makes sense. i’m not sure if this is actually true, or not, and given my limited experience, so to speak, with dreams, it’s hard to for me say that i believe that explanation with certainty. what i can say is that before this recent dream, i had one view, one understanding of my life, one perception of my reality and when i awoke from it, i had another.
referring back to a previous post, the dream in question left me questioning how i had previously seen someone in my life. we had been good friends, or so i thought, for years, but i never really looked at her in any romantic sense. when she moved away, i was sad to see my friend leave, but after a while and as a result of a lack of communication, i came to not miss her all that much. the perception of my reality was that we were friends at one point, but that friendship became faded by distance and time. after a while, my perception of my life didn’t really include her at all. and it didn’t bother me all that much. i mean, sure it made be a bit sad from time to time, but i understood my reality; we weren’t as close as i had once thought and i moved on with my life here.
then, one dream shook that perception. i find myself missing her more now. i find myself thinking about her more. i find myself questioning how accurate my previous perception had actually been. that one dream has so altered my perception i find both interesting and frustrating. the dream was a completely fictional story, one that wasn’t based even remotely on the reality of my waking life, yet that story, that dream has left me questioning so many things. and all those questions have resulted in a slightly more uncertain life outlook than the one i previously held; when one aspect of your perception is changed, so is the sum of that perception.
at this point, i’m not quite sure what to do with myself. slowly, this new perception is becoming more familiar, more comfortable. soon enough, i will have adapted completely and it will become my new reality, at least, that is, until another dream shakes me loose yet again….
Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011
yup. it’s been approximately one year since i first got sick and though i know it was sometime in august, i never imagined it was something i would spend the rest of my life with, so i never committed to memory the exact date.it’s been an interesting year in terms of both learning about and how to manage the disease, but also in getting diagnosed and receiving monthly medication without health insurance.
i’ve managed to find a place to get my prescription filled without it costing me an arm and a leg (no, not on the black market) and so far i haven’t had to pay for my visits to the GI doctor. hawaii has some of the lowest medically uninsured rates in the nation, thanks to the pre-paid health care act, but if you’re unemployed here, as in most places in the country, you’re screwed. trying to get a potentially deadly illness diagnosed when you don’t have health insurance is, to put it mildly, frustrating. for the first couple of months, i was playing trial and error with a very diligent physician’s assistant at a local community clinic, but when all her ideas proved fruitless, i was forced to spend nearly $800 on a CAT scan (i think that’s what it was), only to have it whittle down the possibilities to crohn’s or cancer, at which point i was forced to find a specialist, which included a consultation with a surgeon. fun stuff. Read the rest of this entry »