i used to love to write. that’s not to say i’ve ever been great at it, but has always been something i love to do. there was a time, years ago, when i’d write on a regular basis: poems, journal entries, short stories, whatever. i’d write something new on at least a weekly basis.
tonight’s the first time i’ve visited my own blog in about five months. it makes me a bit sad. it seems that bit of me that used to so enjoy writing, enjoy the feel of the keyboard moving under my fingers. now i find that drive in me, that urge to write, is all but gone. i haven’t written a story, or poem in ages. and i know that vast majority of posts here were written as an outlet to express a dark mood, a window through which i try to expel my demons.
in some ways, i can say it’s a good thing that i don’t write as often as i once did. it seems after more than a decade of writing, i’ve been successful in expelling nearly all of said demons. maybe there are no more stories left in me. no more poems. the frequent urge to write is replaced with only the occasional post as i attempt to expel the few demons that have managed to hang on tooth and nail.
so here i am. despite yet another recent positive change in employment, despite an exciting election season for the history books, i can’t find the will to write to my “political” blog, to which i haven’t posted in nearly a year. instead, i find myself once again pondering things on which i shouldn’t bother; as another birthday approaches, i find myself a bit lonely while preparing for the wedding of one of my oldest friends.
more often than not, i’m happy with my life. i’m glad to be where i am and doing what i’m doing. frankly, i’ve given up quite a bit, i think, to have the life i have. but i can’t help but wonder about the road not taken. where would i be now and what might i be doing if i had never come to hawaii? or if i had left six years ago as i almost did. would i have a successful career? a house? a wife? a family? a part of me wants all those things, but even if i thought some of those things were still possible, i can’t bring myself to give up the things i have, this place, or the progress i’ve made toward my unconventional political career.
at the end of the day, these are all choices i’ve made, choices i’m happy with. still, i’m growing weary of being alone, especially as i glance around to find that i’m just about the only one of my friends not coupled….
with this new job comes a pretty good bump in pay, which means i’ll have disposable income with which i hope to use on a couple of self-improvement projects.
i’ll leave it at that for now, if only so that i will have some more to write about later, but hopefully not six months from now. stay tuned.