i’m preparing to return home for the first time in over a year and a half. while that may not seem like a big deal to some, it is a very big deal for me for a number of reasons. for one, i feel like a different person than the one who first moved here. without blabbering on for pages, there are two main reasons for the change: my roommate and my shrink. for the first time in what seems like forever, the darkness that i used to walk around it is beginning to withdraw. i see more and more glimpses of light, more and more reasons for optimism….

as i prepare to return home, i wonder (and worry a bit) whether or not the people who matter most to me will notice the difference. i want so much to hear things like, “you seem so different” or, “you seem happier”, things of the sort. while the happiness this trip will bring me doesn’t rely solely on such things, i can’t help but think that no one will notice. it somehow leaves me with some apprehension and some doubt. i know they’ll all be happy and excited to see me, but will they notice what all my hard work has wrought?

and there are other things…. for the last week i’ve been increasingly fidgety, just waiting for the day i’d take the plane home. in the last few days, however, my brain has become increasingly preoccupied with other matters; a girl. after the julie debacle, i honestly thought i had seen my chance for a girlfriend in hawaii come and go. then, just over a week ago, i met another girl that changed my mind. last weekend i committed myself to calling her before i left… and asking her out on a date. well, i did. i can say with a fair amount of certainty that that’s something i’ve never done before….

and you think that alone would have me bouncing off the walls with joy and excitement…. well, i’m not. instead, i’m sitting here writing these words. i really wanted to take her out. i really wanted… well i’m not sure, but i definitely would have liked to see her again before leaving. alas, i waited too long. and while i did get it out, “i’d like to take you out on a date”, (something i honestly never thought i’d be able to do), i waited too long to do it. and now i’ve got to “give her a call when i get back”. i guess that’s better than nothing…. still, i can’t help but dwell on two facts, regardless of my return home: i waited too long and she’s “sorta seeing some one, but it’s not serious.”