so, as it turns out, there are a number of you who visit here regularly to see what self-searching, pining, emotionally driven craziness i’ll write next.  well, you should enjoy this….

as you are probably already aware, i’ve been quietly, stealthily in pursuit of a particular girl who hasn’t yet given me much indication that i’m making any noteworthy progress.  this is, needless to say, at times frustrating, however i’m determined to keep at it.  often, after any particular encounter with her, i return, if only temporarily, to a place that i used to frequent during my more troubled and turbulent days.  after all the progress that i’ve made, after becoming largely someone else, i still have a few nasty habits, one of which is questioning my worth.

‘what the hell is wrong with me,’ i still ask myself, ‘why isn’t she interested in me?’  in the last two or three years, when this line of questioning would arise in my brain, i’d quickly move away, knowing it to be a particularly useless, not to mention dangerous, train of thought, without little or any thought.  it’s almost like a reflex for me now, i start to ask those kinds of questions and my brain instantly moves me away.  but the other day, i dwelled on the question for just a moment longer than normal and realized the underlying cause for such questions; not all my self-doubt has completely abated.

while this revelation didn’t come with too much shock, i will admit to being a bit startled by the notion.  it is the first time in months, probably longer, since i’ve had any such negative thought.  i quickly adjusted, telling myself there isn’t anything wrong with me.  just like there are girls who have been interested in me and for whom i’ve had no interest, so it is with me.  of course there are going to be girls in whom i’m interested that just don’t see me in a similar light.  that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.  if anything, i can only chalk it up to bad timing, or bad luck.  the farthest i can go is to say that i’m simply attracted to the kinds of girls that aren’t necessarily attracted to guys like me.

there is, however, nothing wrong with me.  quite the contrary, in fact, is true.  i have little doubt that i’d do very well as  a boyfriend.  granted, i haven’t been in that many relationships myself (i can count them all on one hand), but i’ve seen the mistakes and successes of my friends and others around me.  i can learn from them, even if i haven’t myself had the experience.  certainly, there are areas in which the experience of others does me no good (i won’t say specifically, but you’re keen to guess), however, i’d like to believe that when the right girl comes along, it won’t matter.

so, on the one hand, i’ve come a long way in my search for self-esteem; i know how great i am (it still sounds odd to say and a bit pompous).  still, it was a surprise to realize i still have the automatic instinct to return to that place of self-doubt, even if it is for just a moment.  clearly, i still have work to do and can’t help but wonder if i will ever manage to break myself of this unsettling habit.

…. oh, and of course, here’s hoping for future success with the girl.