me

don’t ask me how i came up with this, or why it seemed to occur to me when it did, but i recently came up with this new theory regarding men, women, relationships, and marriage.  take it for what you want….

i think few people would argue that one of the primary driving forces for men is sex.  you hear about studies which suggest that men think, on average, about sex something like every five seconds.  maybe fifteen, but whatever the number, we get the idea; if men aren’t thinking about sex, their either watching football or their asleep.  and to be honest, i don’t know that the latter is a true exception.  as this is the case for most men, it is, i think, fair to presume that when they get into a relationship they presume (whether correctly or not) there will be at least a fair amount of sex for them.  otherwise, why, given their affinity, would they choose to enter a relationship with a particular woman?
women, on the other hand, have a wholly different drive and wholly different expectations of a relationship.  women want a baby.  women want a pet: dog, cat, gerbil, goldfish, etc.  their primary motivation isn’t sex so much as it is being a nurturer, a mother, or dog owner.  they want something/someone they can fawn over, pet, play with, feed, dress up, and so on.  when women get into a relationship, their presumption is the man will let her play that role with them.

following this line of thinking, a long-term relationship, or marriage is a joining of two particular people, who have both agreed to these terms: the men agree to play the role of trainable pet in exchange for regular sex.  women, on the other hand, agree to dole out regular sex to keep their pet playful, amenable, and docile.

now obviously, there is more involved, because both men and women generally go through several relationships before ‘settling down.’  presumably there is some attraction involved (particularly for the woman, who is usually more picky about with whom they go to bed).  while men may not be as particular about with whom they sleep, they are more interested in who the woman acts between romps on the sack.

underlying all the personality subtleties, there is this basic compulsion: men want sex, women want a pet.  when they find someone they can tolerate beyond their unspoken drive, a relationship develops.  over time, the fine points of the agreement are unconsciously negotiated until the contract is ready to be signed, at which time there is a wedding with cake and flowers and lots of presents.  the man, in exchange for having to go through such a ridiculous event is, in exchange, guaranteed an abundance of sex for a predetermined about of time following the wedding.

Read more

i just finished watching one of my favorite movies: garden state. if you haven’t seen it, go out right now and rent it. while it occurred to me tonight that not every one can appreciate it the way i do, i nonetheless think that its definitely a movie that every one should see at least once. zack braf is brilliant and the sound track kicks ass.

have said all that, i feel the need to expound a bit on the notion that while the movie is brilliantly written, it is geared toward a certain demographic; people like me. more specifically, twenty-somethings with issues steming from low self-esteem and a stranged childhood. of course, i didn’t think my childhood was strained or abnormal at the time, but looking back, i have to believe that there was something about my childhood that has caused me to constantly doubt myself and my self-worth. i think without that experience or realization, while you can certainly enjoy garden state, i don’ think you can appreciate it in quite the same way. i don’t think you can relate to it.

along that same line of thought, i don’t you can relate to, or appreciate the ending without having some of that same self-doubt and lack of self-worth. without spoiling the movie for those of you that haven’t seen it, the ending is inspiring for people like me: those trouble twenty-somethings. the ‘moral of the story’ is that life is life. its good, great, lousy, frightening, fucked up, and very much worth living. bad things are going to happen, things are going to suck occasionally, and you’re probably going to fail from time to time. but things are also going to be good, fun, funny, happy, and interesting. the trick is, according to the movie, is to take the good with the bad. life is life and, for better or for worse, its worth living.

of course, the trick is to actualy live: to learn to take the good with the bad, the successes with the failures, the joy with the sorrow. unfortunately, despite the movie’s unique and brilliant lesson, this is something that, in 27 years, i have been unable to do. i guess i should put so much hope in a movie, no matter how inspiring it may be.

Read more

you may or may not be aware, but i’m not a terribly happy person.  that’s not to say that i’m unhappy.  i used to be able to say i was unhappy.  depressed is a better word, but in this instance i don’t want to associated with the clinical definition, so let’s stick with unhappy.  i used to be unhappy, but i’m not anymore.  i’m something else: something between happy and unhappy.  a limbo of sorts?  i have no word to describe the feeling.  discontent?  maybe.  i don’t really know.  what i do know is that its not a feeling that i’m particularly fond of.

my mom seems to be of the opinion that this is normal, that most people go through life feeling like this.  and she may be right, but i nevertheless have a hard time believing it.  i mean, if most people walk around in their lives feeling like this, it might explain some of what’s wrong with the world.  i mean, shouldn’t we enjoy life?  i mean, isn’t that the theme of so many countless books, movies, and songs?  even the most famous latin phrase would suggest otherwise….

and maybe that’s my problem.  maybe i don’t know how to seize the day.  i haven’t learned how to enjoy life and to make the most of it.  i think i’ve spent the last 27 years waiting for something to happen.  have i been putting off life because its easy to do so?  i think its safe to say that i’ve been drifting through life to this point.  could it be that i’ve gotten so used to floating that i’ve forgotten how to swim?  or, is it that i never really learned how?  regardless of the analogy, one thing is very clear; i’m terrified.

i’m terrified of everything it seems: of failing, of disappointing my father, of being hurt, of change.  i’m afraid that all this fear is going to keep me from being happy.  more than anything else in the whole world, i just want to be happy.  i’d say that i’d gladly give up everything i have in exchange for happiness and self-esteem (you could use the word confidence as well).  i’m convinced at this point that the two go hand in hand.  you can’t have one without the other.  it makes sense, because in all the length and breadth of my life, i’ve had neither.

i’ve been in therapy now for a little over two years and recently was prescribed wellbutrin (an anti-depressant).  after taking the medication every day for nearly eight weeks, it was doing me no good, so i my doctor told me to stop taking it.  i always said that medication would be a last resort if nothing else could fix me.  well, my last resort didn’t work.  what the hell am i supposed to do now?

Read more

i had a dream about katie the other night.  needless to say, any dream involving her is bitter sweet.  and that’s understating the matter.  whenever she enters my thoughts, my heart aches, my stomach knots up, and my brain looses focus for anything else.  to some small extent, i relive our turbulent relationship all over again.  thankfully, thoughts of her are both brief and rare.

dreams, on the other hand, break me.  very rarely do i have a dream that lingers into the waking hours of my day.  it seems nowadays the only dreams i remember involve her.  i can have a thought of her and, with some concentration, cast it off.  the dreams are much harder to leave behind.  and i can rationalize two reasons for this.  all the dreams include two aspects that the thoughts lack.  one, in the dreams, she is always coming back to me, always apologetic.  she’s always aware of how she hurt me and confronts me to make amends.  in the dreams, i always, always, always get her back (though i always wake up before anything else happens).  two, the irregular and random thoughts are consistently devoid of any visualization.  my waking brain cannot accurately recall her face, her smile her cute little figure, the way she smells.  the waking thoughts are memories without substance.  the dreams, on the other hand, are in living color and full of life.  in my dreams she is standing in front of me.  i can see her curly reddish-brown hair.  i can see her smile and i can smell her perfume.  i can hear her voice asking for my forgiveness.

and i wake up.  just a blink before she had been standing before me, then i awake to more familiar surroundings.  all over again she’s gone and its all i can do to keep from curling up in a ball and weeping.

why would my brain do this?  if dreams are supposed to be our subconcious working out little problems, little dilemmas, what is it these dreams are supposed to resolve for me?  my waking brain has let her go, given up any hope of seeing or speaking to her again.  what could my unconcious possibly feel still needs to be done?  i used to see her everywhere: walking on the street, driving in her car, shopping at the mall.  now the only place she haunts me is in my dreams.  it’s the mornings and days that follow such a dream that make me never want to sleep again.

Read more