so, i’m thinking i’ll try to quit smoking. it’s a strange thing, i mean, i knew there would eventually come a day when i just got sick of smoking, but that day felt like it was a ways off. then, last night, after a couple of days of discomfort, it just occurred to me that it might be time to break the habit….

i started smoking on a whim, though only a couple of cigarettes a day. only during a time of high stress and depression did that number skyrocket to around a pack a day. for three or four years, cigarettes have served as a crutch of sorts. they would comfort me in times of stress, during periods of depression or frustration, and would give me something to occupy my mind in the car or at home alone.

i’m not sure it’s a habit i’m ready to give up. in some ways, i’m as adamant a smoker as i used to be an anti-smoker. i love smoking. i thoroughly enjoy smoking. i love everything about it… well almost. there are mornings i wake up hacking and with my lungs in a certain amount of pain.

and now i’m going to try and quit, not cold turkey, so to speak, but gradually. for the first time in years, i think i might just be strong enough, mentally, to give quitting a real chance. still, it might be some time before i give it up completely, simply because i enjoy it so much.

for now, i’m going to try to cut back to just five cigarettes a day. i’ll let you know how it goes.

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i have days when i feel like i’m on the edge of the break through. today is one of these days. i feel like there’s something on the tip of my brain that my conciousness can’t quite reach. i can’t think of anything more frustrating and distracting than the feeling that my life is on the verge of something big, only to never get there. and when i say it’s difficult to focus on anything and that it’s difficult to get anything done, i’m not over stating the issue.

sitting here now, writing these words is even hard because i can’t quite describe this feeling. i can’t quite get my head around it. it’s a persistant feeling i can’t quite shake off. during these days, i constantly struggle to find the solution, the thought that continuously escapes me.

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