High school freshman year
A boy of 14 was unknown to society and society was unknown to him. He liked it that way, most of the time anyway. Actually what bothered him even more than that was the fact that he was unknown to the girl of his dreams, Lori Newton. He not only loved her, but respected her with the utmost, of course.
He had a dream once. Sitting along at a dinner table at a big party, he was sitting solemnly alone and depressed. Then she came over, sat down next to him and asked, “do you know Rob, my boyfriend?”
Slowly he said, “yes.”
“Do you know anyone else here?”
She smiled kindly and touched his arm and gently pulled him up… Beep! Beep! The dream was over. That day at school when he saw her he didn’t see her as a beautiful person in a crowd, but as a person, a kind person. Sadly however, she would never get to know him as he knew her. The friendship would never exist and he would be an unknown face… in the crowd, just as it has always been.
Lori, choose your friends carefully. The ones not chosen have one less, beautiful friend.
September 15, 1994
I was going to wait to see if you’d call either me or Shawn and talk about what’s going on, but I decided that I couldn’t wait and hope. I have to tell you exactly how I feel.
I love you.
I’d spend every minute of every day with you if I could. It hurts to know that you don’t feel the same way. I mean you hardly even do things with me (us) anyway, just as friends. I’ve tried just about everything I can think of. I gave you a flower, planned an evening out. What else can I do?
You are a very special person to me and the fact that your decision was what it was, hurts. This may not help things any, but this is my heart and soul. Everything that is or was important to me is in this book. Thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Now you’re in it, if that makes any difference at all. I don’t want to give up. Even though you may have, I still have a small ray of hope. I give this to you until Wednesday to read any part you want, any part. Gail only read what I let her. This is not a bribe (if that’s what you’re thinking), only a symbol of what you mean to me. And how much you hurt me. I don’t want to give up. I want to keep trying until it’s hopeless. I want to talk some more. Please?
What we gave you was not to be mean or cruel, or whatever. We just want you to know how we all feel. We’re angry and hurt. Here’s what it boils down to: I love you. If you have a problem I want to help. Please don’t push me away. You said you love me. I hope you still do. So let me help. That’s what I’m here for. Remember: lean on me. Bum. When you’re not strong. Bum. And I’ll be your friend. Bum. I’ll help you carry on, Ford! At least that’s how I think it goes. (That is the part where you smile) You can turn to me for anything. You may not consider me your “boyfriend” anymore, but I sure the hell do. When Shawn told me that you were depressed, it hurt. I was there and you pushed me away. Well, I’m still here. Again, this is a symbol. This book is very important to me and I want to share it with you. It has problems and doubts and worries in it and I’m sharing it with you in the hopes that in time we can work things out. Until then I want to be the first one you call with anything that troubles you. I may have said some nasty things and signed that “notice,” but I still love you, I want you to know that.
Your friend first and foremost
August 5, 1995
Ok, so it ends. This is went in my little book on August 5, 1995 at 1:32am. When you get this there will be a letter in it that I was planning to send you alone. Now, however, I realize I’m not going to see you and instead of keeping your present forever, I’m sending it to you. The letter enclosed says some pretty wild things. Then it tells you to write back with a response. Well after reading it I realize that you may not want to. That’s fine, I’ll understand why. I won’t like it, but I’ll understand. It is rather obsessive, but that’s just how I am. I hope to see you and/or hear from you again.
Now, this may sound repetitive and old, but for the last week or so this has really been bothering me. What the hell happened to us? I have realized that a good part of it was my fault. I’m not good at relationships either. I see that when our relationship when past friendship we stopped talking. I stopped calling. I don’t know why exactly. Maybe it was because I felt I didn’t need to, I just don’t know. The part that really gets me is that Thursday night at Danny’s I really truly felt that we both wanted to work at making things between us better. The next day you called it quits. That seemed to be about the same time that you quit on all of us. After the dance things changed. Yes, you weren’t sweetheart anymore, but you abandoned all of our friendships. You abandoned me. That night you said that Matt was your friend, but up until then you hated him. At intakes you were ready to slap him… this has nothing to do with Matt, though. This is between you and me. If you’re reading this at all it is because I think (with some good advice from Shawn, considering that I’m not very good at these things) that things can get quite a bit better between us, between all of us. When I gave you that book to read I did it to show you that you were the most important person in my life in a long time. Gail only saw what I let her see. I let you read any and all of it. I wanted to show you that I cared for you more than you thought I did. The fact that you would rather smoke up and get high than spend time with me hurt. It still hurts. For those couple of months, you were my support. I have problems just like you, maybe just not as severe. Just ask Shawn. I can get very depressed, sometimes to the point of tears. Sometimes for no reason. Now I have no support left. You’ve abandoned me, sometimes I do have a reason to cry: you. I need someone who really cares for me, who loves me, besides my g-ddamn family. You gave up g-ddamn it! That hurt! I have mixed feelings. I want things to be the way they were, even better. There’s a small part of me, however, that would just as soon do your weed with your druggie friends, but I don’t have to like your friends to love you.
You will always be my first sweetheart!
This is not an ultimatum or a threat, but if we cannot work things out I will have to avoid you. This is just something that I will have to deal with. It will just be easier if I don’t have to see you.
Respectfully yours (with love),
Deputy Joshua Robert Frost
November 13, 1996
To Lori Newton for her birthday,
These four years have flown by life a leaf in the wind. The time here has been bittersweet, with its good and bad moments. Our friendship was one of those good times. I’m not sure what happened, but it has been so long that I don’t think about it much anymore.
A few days ago I, for no apparent reason, remembered your birthday has been recently. I’m not quite sure why I felt like I should send a card, but I felt I should so here it is.
I will say good-bye and good luck now, nice the birthday card will most likely be my last and final communication to/with you.
The card that had this message in it was never sent. I hope that someday I get to restart my friendship with Lori Newton.
February 22, 1997
Can you believe that a year has passed since you were elected. I know that it is hard for me to grasp sometimes. I can’t say that I know what you are feeling and to be honest, I don’t know what to say to you, or how to say it if I did. For a year Hatikvah was yours, and for a year you treated it as such. The last year has been great for Hatikvah, though I don’t know this first hand, I have heard nothing but good things from all of its members. I’m sure that you had something to do with it. Just want you to have a wonderful night, because it is for you. I’m sure quite a few people put a lot of work into it, but they wouldn’t have it any other way. Hatikvah loves you and now you will always be a part of its history and name.
Now let me jabber about something else. So far, for me anyway, the year of 1997 has been filled with rekindled friendships. Both people meant quite a bit to me, but at the time of our original friendships, things obviously didn’t work out perfectly. I’m not quite sure what happened to our own friendship. I know that at one time you tried to show me that things weren’t well between us. For some unexplainable reason I didn’t listen. I really apologize for that and I hope that the statue of limitations hasn’t given out for apologies. Friends are a priceless commodity, one that I would like to have more of. I miss how we were and I want to list your’s among my priceless friendships again.
June 11, 1997
I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, but for some reason I just haven’t been able to find the words that can explain all this and to be honest, I still don’t. This is a very important time in my life. I’ll be going off to school next year and how I life my life will be up to me. (This whole thing might be a bit jumbled and hard to follow, but these are going to be my thoughts on paper. I don’t really know what I am going to be saying so I may repeat myself, or I may just ramble. I do want to try and make this as clear as possible.)
I’m not sure how to start. I don’t know how to talk to you. I don’t know why, but for almost as long as I can remember I have felt very uncomfortable around you. I’m never sure how to start conversations, I never know how to act, what I should do, or how I should be. That is the main reason I have avoided you for the past several years. I know that it hasn’t helped things and I hope to change all that with this gift. I thought Father’s Day would be a good time to say how in awe I am of you. I also thought this would be an idea gift because everything that is in these Chronicles is, for the most part, what I was and what I am now. There are pages in this book that only very few have seen. I know that this won’t make everything all better, but I do hope that this is a nice first step.
The reason I am typing this rather than saying it to you may, or may not, be clear. As I said above, I have trouble finding things to say to you. When I do think of things, I’m afraid that my words will sound forced. On this page there is nothing that can imply forced words. There is no inflection here, just words. I hope that this will sound sincere and that this book will serve as a kind of olive branch. There is so much that I want to say, but I’m not sure how to say it. I refuse to place blame in this matter, I think that we both have made mistakes. Mine was not having the courage to confront you with my thoughts. If I had done that years ago, things would probably be different now. I’m sorry for my cowardice in this matter.
I felt for a long time that you wanted me to be something that I’m not. When I was younger, I tried to change, but as I grew older I came to se that I liked who I was (for a long time I didn’t) and that I really didn’t need to do much changing. That was when I decided that I didn’t want to visit anymore. That was cowardly of me. Again, these are just my thoughts. I am more than willing to talk about this, but I think that (assuming that you want to discuss the issue) you will have to make the first move. I wouldn’t know where or how to begin.
The time is fast approaching when things will be very different from what they are now. I want next year to be positive for me in every way. That means I want you (and Janie and Sally) to be a part of my life. I want to be able to talk to you without reservation or pressure and that is why I am giving this to you. This is me. This is all that I am, ideally or otherwise. Take me for what I am. Feel free to read it from cover to cover, or just read what you think is worthwhile. I hope that you enjoy this and I hope that things will become better between us, I don’t think they could get any worse.
With all the love a son can have for his father,
Written for Gail Ann Spector for her 19th Birthday:
Life is a walk along
An undetermined path
Along the way
We meet people who
For a time
Walk along the same
Stretch of road
Some, a mere few,
Choose to walk with
Us along the way
Friends share each other’s lives
For walking with me
Friendship is a gift. Friendship is a blessing. Yours is one that I am eternally grateful for. For a time there has been distance and hatred between us, but no more. I am glad that we have grown together in the few years following that time. You are right when you say that the friendships we’ve made at high school will stand the test of time and the strain of distances between us, all of us. It doesn’t matter where you are now or where I might go next year. We will always be friends and no amount of time and expanse of miles will separate us of our lasting friendship. The poem above I wrote just for you. I hope you like it.
April 19, 1999
I really didn’t want to do it this way, but I couldn’t get my mouth to say it and you weren’t helping by not guessing. I’m sure you know what’s coming. Talk about some dumb fucking luck for you. I’m going to warn you right now, at the beginning, that I tend to ramble when I’m reveling thoughts and emotions, so you’ll just have to bear with me….
Hell, this is even hard to do in email. I honestly like to help people with their relationship problems. I enjoy it probably because it’s the only way I ever get to experience what it’s like, even if it is second hand and in a problem situation. So I must say that I did, and still do, although not to the same extent, enjoy helping you figure out where you are and where you want to be, relationship wise. I like talking to you, well mostly listening to you since I didn’t do much of the talking. Somewhere along the way I developed a bit of a crush. Honestly, that may be all it is, it’s hard for me to say for sure, so that’s what I’m going with for now. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I didn’t really notice it until Thursday night (Friday morning) and that’s why, so you say, I was acting different. As far as I’m concerned and as far as I can tell, my attitude hasn’t changed since then, so I’m not quite sure what kind of vibes you’re getting from me. I don’t really know what to say from here…. I’m glad you and Marty are hitting it off so well and that things seem to be moving in a positive direction in that respect, although I am kind of curious how just a week ago you thought Jason was all that: sweet, kind, caring, compassionate, and how it was really bothering you that things had gotten to where they were. Now here you are about a week later, Jason all but forgotten and now Marty is the stud of the week. Like I said, I’m glad things have worked out, but who’s to say that next week you won’t be in the same position with him? Just a thought. Anyway, so yeah, as far as I’m concerned, it does suck, but I’m used to it and I’ll get over it. No big deal. I will be honest and say that I can’t guarantee that nothing will be affected. Any change, I know will be my doing, but I’m not led by logic as by emotion. You might say that’s one of by bigger weaknesses, but I like to think of it as an advantage. My best friend always gets on my case when I don’t think logically. When it comes to others, I do real well with logic, but in my own cases… well that’s a whole other story. I know it sucks that this is how things end up, but hey you believe in fate, so I guess this was all meant to happen.
So you win. I told you what it was that was bothering me. Is anything different or changed? No. I knew nothing would be affected, that’s why I said “it didn’t matter.” But you wanted to know, so there it is. What you do with it is up to you.
Let me start this letter the same way I start all my letters of this sort…. I tend to babble. I’m not sure if you were aware of this before, but after reading this, it will be quite apparent. The words and thoughts to follow I wanted to say with my voice, face to face, but it seems that I am quite the coward when it comes to these matters, so I am forced to resort to less than personal tactics and for that I apologize.
I’m not quite sure how to start, so I’m just going to jump in. I think I have some feelings for you. We’ve been friends for quite some time and every time we hang out together I feel more and more certain of those feelings. The first time I was struck with these thoughts was a year or two ago, when I was home from school for winter break. The last night I was in town we got together for what I thought would be an hour or two of chatting and catching up, but to my pleasant surprise we spent much more time than that together. We ended up back at your house where we talked about all kinds of things, played cards and listened to Prince. It was a wonderful evening and when I got back to school, I was left with a sadness of sorts. I was thrilled that we had spent that time together and got to know each other better, but at the same time, I was sad that it hadn’t happened sooner and that I had to be back at school.
Every time I come home I am so excited to you, even if it is only once or twice and for brief periods of time. One of the only reasons I came back at all at the end of last summer was to see you. Flattering, isn’t it? Through the course of the past few years we’ve joked about all sorts of things, this is part of the nature of our friendship and I love it. These jokes have ranged from our views on religion to marriage. Now don’t get me wrong, I never took anything we said seriously, it was just fun to joke about. So last summer I “joked” that you should come and visit, never really thinking you would make the ten hour trek by car to come and see me. Granted, I really did want you to come, I just didn’t think it would be a reality for me. I was so glad when you proved me wrong. When driving didn’t fly with your parents, you fronted the cash to fly. Needless to say your visit was just about all I could talk about during the weeks before and the weeks that followed. I had a great time and I think you did as well.
So after that visit, I started thinking more seriously about how I felt. The only problem that remained for me was that I wasn’t sure where I stood. That was the “important” thing that I wanted to talk to you about this evening. While it is quite apparent it didn’t go exactly as I had hoped, I now feel the need to tell you why. Either I didn’t know you had a boyfriend, or I had conveniently forgotten that you had told me at some point.
I’m not sure if you are aware of it or not, but when it comes to my feelings and relationships I don’t fair very well. I was determined, however, to tell you all these things tonight, that is, until I found out about Greg (at least I think that’s his name). I immediately lost all my compunction and determination to bear my soul to you, at least in person. After thinking about it for a little while I decided that all these things still needed to be said, even if I couldn’t say them in person. So here it is. This is the “important” think that I had to talk to you about, but as it turns out, I was indeed too cowardly to follow through with it.
One last thought before I end this letter. There was a time in high school, my senior year I believe, when, if my memory serves me correctly, you felt a similar way toward me. Let me say now, that if this is in any way incorrect just disregard the words to follow in this paragraph. At the time, I was a fairly miserable person. I didn’t really like myself and couldn’t understand why someone would “like” me. So, for that reason, personal relationships and anything in that area in which I was involved, made me very uncomfortable. Granted, I was flattered beyond words, but couldn’t handle something of that sort personally. However, after several rejections on my part, I went to WPA with you and had a wonderful time. And so, every now and then I look back at that time in my life and ask myself how things might have been if I had been a little more receptive to you. Of course these things don’t really matter now. They’re in the past and there is nothing I can do about them now.
So let me finish by saying that I’m sorry that you learned all this in this way, but if I hadn’t done it like this I am quite sure that I wouldn’t have been able to say these things at all. I also know that learning about all this is in this format makes it a little more difficult to respond, assuming that you want to respond. Fair’s fair, so I would expect nothing more than a letter or email from you in response to my babbling confession. This by no means entitles me to a response and, to be honest I don’t know if I expect to receive one or not. I do, however hope that you will respond. I intend to carry on with our relationship in the manner that it has been going, simply because I don’t know what else to do, and I hope that you will be able to do the same. I hope to hear from you in response to this.
P.S. If I seemed a little detached this evening, please accept this apology, but I hope you understand, given the circumstances.
Here is Becky’s disappointingly brief response:
So I guess you didn’t get my e-mail, because I just got it back from a person named dameon. That is not you. So you probably think that I am a flake in not responding to your letter. I will rewrite that I said in dameon’s e-mail since I could not figure out how to resend a message. To the point, I can not return the feelings you have for me. I am sorry. Josh, you are one of my best friends. Please for the love of g-d let’s not change our friendship. I hope you liked my show. How is school? I start tues. the 18th. Well call me or write me back.
March 10, 2000
I’m sorry it had to come to this, me writing you an email at 3am. You didn’t leave me a choice though. Why did you tell me you had feelings for me? What possessed you to confide that in me?Had you thought of the consequences? Had you given the slightest thought as to what might happen?
Here’s what I think:
Actually, I don’t know what I think. Normal people who say they have feelings for someone, would want to do something about it. You, on the other hand, seem to have no intention or desire to do so. That leads me to one of two conclusions: either you’re a coward or you’re a liar.
If you are a coward, then explain to me why you would say that to me in the first place. If you were afraid of what would happen, I can understand that if you were willing to at least try and overcome that fear. If, on the other hand, you had the slightest idea that you would chicken out, then you should have kept your big mouth shut. You don’t say that to someone, who you know might feel the same way, if you have no intention of backing those words up with action.
If, on the other hand, you are a liar… well I’m not sure what to think. More questions come to mind. Why the fuck would you make up that kind of lie? What did you think it would get you? Why would you lie to me? Frankly, I’m leaning toward option two. From the way things have been played out since then, it just seems the more likely of the two.
See, this is all I wanted to ask you. I’m sure you could have bullshited a reasonable answer in less than an hour, and you would have had plenty of time to spend quality time with your roommates. Here’s another thought: you knew (approximately) what I wanted to talk about, but side stepped the issue by avoiding me. This supports option one.
Here’s another thought: whenever you needed to talk, I was there, always (if, at anytime I said I was too busy, please remind me of the occasion, because I’ve obviously forgotten about it), and I never minded. You’re one of my close friends and I was more than glad to help, or just to listen. When, however, the tables were turned and I wanted just a little of your time, you had none to spare. Now, I understand that going uptown and partying and drinking is high on your priority list, but I sort of thought that our friendship took precedent. It seems this isn’t the case after all.
This brings me again to my original question. If you do indeed have feelings for me, this is a weird way to show it. Never once have I told someone I cared about that their being upset was their problem. If they really were important to me, then it was my problem too. So I ask, how strong is our friendship, really? Now be honest, remember, I’m already questioning your honesty.
That’s about all I can think to say. I really have no idea when you will read this, and frankly, I don’t care. The ball’s in your court now. I have nothing more to say to you until you feel the need to respond to this letter honestly and wholeheartedly. Let me say, now this cannot and will not be resolved on the phone or through email. If you really want to straighten this out, whatever the outcome may be, then you must commit to talking this out face to face, as many times as it takes, or as long as it takes. I hate vague people. You’ve avoided this topic long enough. We’ll see how truly strong our friendship (and those feelings of yours) really are.
I hope you had a wonderful time uptown. I’m glad you could make time to talk to me. I’m glad to see that our friendship is so terribly important to you. (sarcasm, just in case you weren’t sure)
Actions speak louder than words and your actions speak a mouthful.
September 26, 2000
A “letter” written to Katie for discussion purpose: Edited for reading purposes on September 29, 2000
I’m not even sure where to start on paper. All that I want to say, what I need to say is going to be difficult to hear, I think, but trust me when I say that it is going to be just as difficult for me to say. I mean, I had to put it down on paper, one so I wouldn’t forget to pass over anything, but also so that it could help me summon the courage I need to say all that I have to say. The problems that have resurfaced have no direct cause in you, let me assure you of that. The mere fact that I use the word “resurfaced” should tell you that these are problems I’ve had in the past, that I honestly thought I had worked out. I’ll get into that shortly.
Let me first say, when I said that we should not think about those feelings we both said we had until we had sorted out our friendship, I honestly had no notion that I would arrive back here so quickly. It seems that nearly all the frustration I had weeks ago have all but vanished completely. I’m assuming we’re not in the same place, as usual. Fine. There is nothing I can do about that, although it is extremely frustrating for me. I must, however, at this point say everything I haven’t said on the subject. Again, a lot of this you won’t like hearing, I’m sure but I feel I have no choice but to say it all. I envision things becoming very complicated and difficult for me in the next few months, at least. That is why I feel I need to do this now. My strength is quickly vanishing. This could easily turn out to be my last stand with you, so bear with me.
I have feelings for you, but I’ve already said that several times. The nature of those feelings however, have come into question. I’ve had friends point out to me that what I am feeling is merely an obsession or a crush. Though I have no way to tell, I don’t think this is the case, but am not sure I am to tell the difference. I feel I know you too well and we’re too close for it to be an obsession or crush, I think. At the same time, I find it hard to believe that I would have such strong feelings for someone who can be equally as frustrating at time. Right now, the only reason I can think that this isn’t an obsession or crush, is that last Thursday night, when I was leaving and you hugged me, I lost my legs. I hope you understand the meaning of that. I almost didn’t let go. Really. I’ve never been good at judging the nature of relationships when I’m personally involved and this is part of the problem. I would tell someone else in my position to suck it up, swallow their pride, and say what they feel. I would tell them to lay it on the lie once and for all, and hope for a good outcome. For once I’m going to try and take my own advice; I’m going to lay it on the line and hope for a positive outcome.
Here we go… Aside from having, what I believe to be strong feelings toward you, I am also very attracted to you. I think you’re beautiful, everything about you, even on those days when you look like you just rolled out of bed. It’s all the same to me. This doesn’t help matters, but let me say that this physical aspect is secondary, but does complicate things for me. The only “real” relationship I’ve had was by no means physical. Hell, just hugging each other was very awkward for us. Here lies one of my “issues.” I have some sick phobia about just about any level of physical intimacy. Whenever I’ve been in any “heightened” physical circumstances, I freak out. I panic. Granted it’s only happened a few times, but the results have never been good. I’ve never even kissed a girl. I know, I’m a freak. This has nothing to do with you directly, but because I have these feelings toward you, both emotionally and physically, it does pose a problem for me. Ok, I think that concludes the hard part, at least for you. I still have a lot I have to say.
I’m pretty sure I’ve told you before that I was very unhappy in middle and most of high school. I had at one time, thoughts of suicide, that’s how bad it was. I had no self-esteem. I didn’t like myself. In fact, I hated myself. Around my sophomore or junior year of high school, I decided to take decisive steps to try and change this, the most drastic of which was cutting all contact with my father. It was a process that took about eight years, before I could see any positive improvement. By the time I came here, I was relatively happy with where I was emotionally. I wasn’t exactly where I wanted to be, but I had made huge strides, with no help.
I took more pride in that than anything else I had ever done. Ever. The fact that I had done all that on my own made me feel really good about myself. I had done it on my own. Last week was not a good week for me, to say the least. I fell. I slipped. I’m back sliding. I’m not exactly sure what happened. As far as I can tell, there were two decisive incidents that caused me to fall. The first was something that was said in one of my classes. For the life of me, I can’t remember what the comment was, but I know it set the stage for the next step. I slipped last Thursday night, at your house.
Let me do a little more explaining here. For a while, I’ve felt that I was competing for you, competing for attention and affection from you. When it was just you and me, one on one, I did just fine, but when I was with you in a group of people, particularly when there were other guys around, I just felt very inadequate. I managed somehow, to shrug if off again and again. But because of that comment that I can’t remember, I couldn’t shrug it off this time. I fell. Any and all self-esteem I had, started to quickly fall away. That’s why I left. It hit me like a freight train.
On a side note, I almost feel that this has been validated for me. Did you not tell me you were dating Josh on purpose, or did it just slip your mind? I don’t even care so much that you were, or are, whichever the case may be. I’m more bothered by the fact that I didn’t know. If we’re such good friends, don’t you think this would be something that you would tell me, everything else aside? I wouldn’t like it, but I’d be able to deal with it. If I’m wrong, or making presumptions, then I apologize. If I were there, telling you this instead of you reading it, you could explain it to me right now. Oh well. Back to the matter at hand.
Now I’m left with questions I thought I didn’t need answers to. On top of that, all that I work I had done for years was for nothing. I didn’t do anything. Everything that I did to try and fix the problem didn’t work. The think I took pride in, more than anything else, is now gone. I have nothing. I’m now forced to do what I never thought I would have to do, what I never, ever wanted. I have to get help. I have questions I can’t answer, questions that I need answered. On top of that, it is now obvious to me that I didn’t do anything on my own. I have to get help. I have no other choice anymore.
Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to listen. I appreciate it. Have a good weekend.
November 28, 2000
Written as my last Letter to Katie:
I questioned whether or not to even bother with this. I figure you really don’t care what I think, in which case, you’ll shrug it off without a second thought and continue on being your deluded, spoiled little self. On the off chance, though, that my opinion still holds any weight with you I wanted to tell you exactly what I think of you. In all honesty, I don’t really care if you decide to try and change, or not. I’m betting you won’t, but that’s what makes you, you.
Remember all those times I told you I thought you were a terrible person? Well, wouldn’t you know it, it turned out I was right. It took a serious kick in the head (one that you provided), but at least I see it now. I have a very short list of people that I hate. Hate isn’t a word that I use very often when talking about people, but I can say, with much confidence, that I hate you. Of all the people I’ve met, of all the people I’ve known, you are by far the most terrible, selfish, self-centered, fickle, twisted, and shallow person I’ve ever come across. Granted, I’ve met many people with these characteristics, but what makes you the queen of them all is the simple fact you cherish and defend these traits in you.
What makes it worse, for me, is that I called you a friend. A close friend. One of my best friends. I’m sure I’ve told you of the high regard I hold all my friends in. I deluded myself with you, probably because I had feelings for you, or at least I thought I had feelings for you. That might be the part that makes me the sickest of all. How could I possible have feelings for you? What the hell is wrong with me? Well as it turns out, plenty, but that doesn’t really concern you anymore, does it?
There is just one think I don’t understand and probably never will understand. How you could have possibly had feelings for me? As I’ve said before, I can only see two options. Either, one, you didn’t really and were just fucking with me for some strange reason that I will never comprehend. Or two, that you really did and, because of your twisted, selfish, and shallow (let’s not forget shallow) personality, you just had a really sick way of showing it. The fact that you’ve ever had a boyfriend has to come down to two possibilities. Either the guy is just so incredibly stupid that they never see how you really are, or it’s because you have just the best ass they’ve ever seen. It could be a little of both.
What it comes down to is this; I’m sorry I ever met you. I’m sorry I ever came to care about you in the way that I did, or at all, for that matter.Â Never have I ever had such contempt and vile hatred for anyone as I have for you. The mere thought of you makes me ill and want to beat the shit out of someone, and I’m not a violent person. Of all the vile and vulgar words and phrases I’ve heard, I have yet to find one that even comes close to describing the way I think about you now.
Now you may ask why an email and not in person. Well, maybe you won’t ask because I’m sure you’d just as soon avoid me. Fine by me. I’d rather not see you. While I would just love to say all this in person so you could see the fury in my face and so I could spit on you when I was finished, I’d just as soon avoid the contemptuous, vomitous feeling I got the last time I just happened to see you.
July 4, 2001
Part of me thinks I should even be writing this email. This part of me thinks I’m a sucker and a loser simply for sending it. Why in the world would I possibly want to be friends with you? How in the hell can I miss you so much after the way you treated me? This part of me hates myself for thinking about you. Maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment. I’ve always been interested and attracted to girls who aren’t interested in me at all, or want from me nothing more than friendship. I was never quite sure what you wanted from me, or what you saw in me, or what you felt about me. Ironically, I now find myself asking those same questions about you. How could I have cared about you so much when I felt that there were so many things about you that were wrong.
Nonetheless, I cared for you a great deal. Naturally, I can’t say that now, but what I can say is that I miss you. I miss you a great deal, in fact. I miss riding around in my car with you, you singing along to all the tacky new songs on the radio. I miss sitting and talking with you. I miss how frustrated you used to make me. It may seem sad and a little sick, but I think I can pretty safely say that there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of you at least once. I’m sorry things have turned out the way they have. I truly am. Unfortunately, the fault is not mine to bear. You did this. You are the reason I lost a best friend. You are the reason I feel unsettled now and again. I can’t do anything to fix this. I’ve told you I’d accept an explanation and an apology and at least I thought you wanted to apologize and explain to me what happened. Maybe I understood wrong.
Let me tell you why I’m writing this now, so long after all this happened. This summer I am working at a hospital. That’s not the important part. What’s important is that there has been a patient here for the last week who I would swear is your twin. It wasn’t until I realized who it was she reminded me of that I realized just how much I miss you. For nearly a week now I’ve been debating whether or not to write and send this letter. I figure I’ve got nothing to lose in writing it. It seems to me one of three things will happen. One, I won’t hear a response from you of any kind. Two, I’ll get a hollow reply that you won’t follow up on. Or three, you’ll actually want to try and straighten things out. You’ll want to and be willing to explain to me what happened. Simply put, only the last of the three possibilities will surprise me. I honestly don’t know what I expect, if anything, will happen.
That being said, I felt the need to write this anyway. It most likely won’t make me feel any better about any of this and it won’t give me any kind of closure, if that’s what you think this is about. I’ve always felt the need to share my feelings with you, even when I knew it wouldn’t change anything.I’ve always hoped that it had, even when we were no longer friends.
Anyway, I guess I’ve got nothing else to say. Don’t by any means feel obligated to respond. You’ve show me quite well that you don’t feel any obligation to me. My hope is, however, that you will want to make a diligent effort to explain things to me, because I genuinely want to try and fix things between us. I’m willing to make an effort to try and understand your perspective. I will say email would be a good place to start, but I’m certain several personal and/or phone conversations are what we need to begin. I don’t know if you even want to explain things to me. Maybe you’ve decided it’s not worth your time. Who knows? Nonetheless, I don hope to hear from you.
Here is the number where you can reach me if you feel brave. I am one hour behind you. Don’t call, if you decide to, after 930pm my time.
Josh (this was never sent)
August 13, 2001
These are someone else’s words put to song
Songs taken from a huge collection of, to make up a whole
Whole, the mix has a theme, but what counts are the pieces
Pieces of each song come together to try and explain my feelings
Feelings are what this package is all about. Listen closely to the lyrics, but not too closely. Within each song is a piece of how I feel.
This CD is a mix of songs, a mix of words. Some words are very important, others are not. Listen closely
Hindsight is what this is all about: what I should have done and what I should have said.
I hope my Hindsight can teach you something.
I know it has taught me.
August 13, 2001
Here it is, the long awaited story. Life I said before, I think this is going to be hard for you to read. I’m sure there are parts that you won’t like, parts you might not think are accurate, parts that you may not remember. I hope there will be parts, thought, that you remember fondly. If it’ll make you feel any better, there are parts of it that were hard for me to write. Let me say this, though; everything in this story is honest. It’s what I remember. While there is very little embellishment, it’s there merely for effect. 99% of the whole thing is honest. No bullshit. I’m taking a huge risk sending it to you and letting you read it, you need to know that. Still, it’s something that, while writing it, became very important for me and part of that importance lies in the fact that I really want you to read it.
That being said, I only ask one thing. If you read it, you must be willing to talk about it upon request. While it is my intention for you to read it, I send it primarily as a way to start a very important, very frank conversation. Don’t read it if you have no intention of having an honest conversation! Of course, I can’t force you to keep to this. Once you have this in your hands, I have no control over whether you read it or not. The only thing I can ask is this; if our friendship means anything to you, you won’t read this story unless you have every intention of being completely open and completely honest. I can’t stress that enough. I have to feel like you’re being as honest with me as this story is. It’s very important to me that you are. Please. Please. Please, don’t read this if you don’t think you can be honest and open with me. Please.
Despite everything that has happened, I’m trusting you on this request.
October 30, 2001
I don’t even know where to start. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure this is something that you will ever read, because I’m not sure I’ll send it. I just don’t know if I would do any good. I really don’t want to be a pest, which is in the very least, what I’m sure you think of me. I can’t imagine what I’ve done, if anything, to make you angry with me. I wish I knew. Let me apologize here, because I’m sure I’m going to ramble a bit, if I’m not already.
I thought things were off to a positive start this summer. Then I sent that story and immediately it seemed things were strained all over again. I don’t know if I just mistook your response or not, but I did get the impression that you were angry with me. That, I hope you know, was not my intent. I simply wanted you to know how I felt and how I came to feel that way. The story was written, originally, as an exercise to help me understand how I felt. Part of me is sorry I sent it. I didn’t expect you to react that way at all.
So, what do I want? Honestly, more than anything else, I just want us to be able to be friends like we once were. What it comes down to is simple; I’m missing you. I’m missing the friendship we had once. Maybe there is no way to get that back. I certainly have friends that think I’m wasting my time. Could be you think I’m wasting my time. But let me ask you though, do you ever think back to when we first met, back to when we were so close, back before all the stupid shit? I don’t know, maybe you don’t think about that stuff. Maybe you’re having a much easier time than I am, who knows.
I’m in Oxford currently, but I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be here. I would like to see you before I might have to leave. Obviously there are particular things I would like to talk to you about, but we could skip all of it, if you want. At this point, I just want to get to know you again. That isn’t a bad thing, is it? I wish I knew what I could say or do to fix this. It could be you don’t want to ever have anything to do with me again. And while I wouldn’t entirely blame you, I’m not entirely sure why you would want that. So I guess that’s it. If you do indeed get this, I would ask you to reply, even if it’s just to tell me to “fuck off.” My hope though, is that you will be willing to get together, if for no other reason than to catch up.