so, i’ve been chewing on this for a few days and continue to do so. what’s more, and not surprisingly so, there is a part of me that is hesitant to post on this particular topic. while i should easily be able to avoid the use of names, the specifics of what is to follow will make it a snap for certain people close to me to know what the hell it is i’m talking about.

it seems the dilemma of posting what’s in my brain, while attempting to maintain anonymity for those people referenced will be an on going one. perhaps i’ll never be able to escape it. nonetheless, as my readership grows ever so slowly, without consequences, i am feeling bolder in the subjects about which i choose to post. with this in mind, here we go….

a little less than two months ago, i was in chicago for a wedding. of course, i wrote a post about it, but that one left out certain details that were conducive to the flow of that particular summary. as i mention in that post, a old friend of mine from college took my trip to chicago as an excuse to get out of town for a little while to come and see me. we talk occasionally, but we hadn’t seen each other since my first year in hawaii and also during a trip to the mainland for a wedding.

i was thrilled to learn she was coming to spend the weekend with me, knowing she wasn’t going to be able to attend certain events because she hadn’t been invited to the wedding.

anyway, during the first night when a whole bunch of us were out on the town, it was pointed out to me that not only was it a big deal that she had driven several hours just to see me, but that she had done so with motives in mind. while i don’t remember the exact phrasing, the point was made by another old friend who has a knack for bluntness and insisted that she had driven up to chicago because she had a thing for me. it was an awkward conversation to have, given the timing and the fact that she was in fact sitting at the table with all of us. there was a small part of me that thought it might be true, but wanted to avoid the conversation, given the circumstances, and denied up and down that wasn’t the case. she was just a friend and we hadn’t seen each other in several years.

the point, however, did make me feel a bit guilty about heading out with the ‘guys’ for a night of… whatever. she had driven a long way to see me and it just didn’t seem right to leave her high and dry, to hang out with strangers, her first night in town. as such, i ducked out and spend the evening hanging out with her instead, walking around chicago, seeing the late night sights, riding the train, catching up, and sharing a round of turkish coffee and a hookah. it was a lovely night.

we shared a hotel room and a bed, though it was completely innocent….

there were times during the course of the weekend when i thought my friend my actually be right as i might have picked up ‘signals,’ but seeing as how i’ve never been really good at reading such signals, i chose to ignore them or write them off as me reading too much into any particular phrase or gesture.

it must be said, that in college i had a bit of a crush on her, though she made it clear at the time that she wasn’t interested in me. big surprise. and while it had been years since i saw her last, i’m still attracted to her and through the course of the weekend couldn’t help but hear my friend’s voice in my head forcing me to think twice about her intentions for driving to chicago.

its been a couple of months now since i was in chicago and while we haven’t spoken, we’ve chatted a couple of times online….

i’m not sure why i feel the need to write about it now, so long after the fact. i do know my brain has a tendency to linger and so maybe its something i’m just now starting to process. maybe the question is finally pestering me just enough to send the question, not so subtly, out into the ether. and while i believe i could guess with a high probability of certainty that i know the answer to said question, i guess i just can’t help but ask.

was i correct to assume she made the trip to visit me simply as a friend, regardless of the circumstances, or was there more to it and was i, as usual, just too dense to notice?