i’ve come to a decision. actually, i came to it last night, but though i’d be safe and sleep on it before i decided for sure. well, i’m awake now and i’ve decided for sure. i’ve resigned myself to a life of geeky bachelorhood. to be fair, i resigned myself to geeky bachelorhood years ago, but then it wasn’t so much a matter of choice as it was an inability to see myself in a relationship. now i can see myself in a relationship, but i don’t think that’s the place for me.

ok, in all honesty, it isn’t a decision that was made entirely by me, but i’ve accepted the reality that surrounds me and i’m ok with it. as i’m on my way to my 27th birthday (holy crap!), i look around and see people all around me coupling up: friends, as well as people i come across in social circles. at 26, i’ve missed my window of opportunity, i think. and while will i have to admit that stings a little bit, my decision to accept this life of geeky bachelorhood is, i think, a good decision.

while in the process of writing another story, i’m beginning to believe in the notion that things happen for a reason. i’m not talking about fate, because i believe in free will, but i’m talking about the idea that our decisions will lead us to a place in life that’s best for us. i used to fight against this notion, telling myself and others that i’m somehow cursed with bad luck, cursed with shyness, cursed with depression. in the last year, or so, i’ve been fighting less and accepting more.

so, while it sucks, a life of geeky bachelorhood, may be its for the best. maybe my past and my past decisions have put me on a path toward something other than marital bliss. something better? something different. i’ve been told i have a way with people: a way of making them laugh and a way of making them feel comfortable and happy. while there was a time when i didn’t really believe that, i’m starting to now, and i don’t think its such a bad thing. i mean, that’s some talent, some gift to be able to do that. if i had made different choices, if i were on another path, that might not be the case.

a life of geeky bachelorhood will have its advantages, i’m sure. for one, i’ll always be available for friends who need a friendly ear, or shoulder. for another, this life of geeky bachelorhood as provided for me a unique sense of the world and a sense of humor to go along with it. despite the situation, i can almost always get friends to laugh, even if they don’t feel like laughing. that’s pretty cool, huh? would i have that same talent if i had had better luck in the relationship department? i don’t think so.
and it’s not like i know what i’m missing. in a 26 year history, three brief and awkward relationships have given me few positive experiences in regards to relationships. i can’t say that’s something i’m particularly happy about, but that’s my experience, for better or worse. i’m starting to come to the realization, as hard as it might be, that there is no such thing as a bad experience. any experience, good or bad, only helps to define the people we are and the people we’ll become. i’ll admit to having had lots of good experiences, though few great ones. my life has been a wash of mediocrity. that wash, though, as led me, i think, to a better understanding of my life and life in general. i can pick out the great experiences and i don’t think it will be too long before i can start seeking them out.

great experiences lead to a great life and while there was a time when i couldn’t see a great life for myself, i’m starting to be able to see it. i don’t know what that great life will be yet, though there is a notion that life is happening all around me. so i guess i will come to a place where i can say that i’ve had a great life. the point, at least for this particular post, is that i always thought that great life would include a wife and a family. i’m starting to accept the fact that that might not be the case. like i said, its not the easiest thing to come to terms with, but i’m working on it.

it’s pretty clear to me that i’ve missed my biggest window of opportunity. from here on out, the odds of a wife and kids shrinks a little every day. while it makes me a little sad, i’ve always said that my friends are my family. i still feel that way and maybe there’s a reason for that feeling. i’ve felt that way for years and it could be because my life would be void of a family in the traditional sense. for me, well, i’ve got a family that’s spread across the entire country. in the course of my life, i’ve already built a family for myself.

a life of geeky bachelorhood won’t be as bad as one might think. my path is leading somewhere else and i’m learning to accept that.