its just after 1am and though i probably should be sleeping, i’m wide awake. this happens occasionally, though not as often as it used to. insomnia. i’ve dealt with bouts of insomnia for as long as i can remember. it just happens. i’ve never quite been able to tell when or why a sleepless night would find me, but they’ve always seemed to, sooner or later. all i’ve ever been able to say is that my brain works extra hard at something and the constant firing of neurons keeps my eyes open when i want to close them and keeps my thoughts running when i want them to cease. its annoying, certainly, but its just something i’ve learned to deal with….

i feel a bit lost. lonely. i’m not sure why, though i can’t say its sudden; the feeling’s been creeping, gaining on me for a little while now. it seems every day something else adds fuel to the fire, giving it speed. making it harder and harder to outrun. so here i am, finally overtaken. and while its a certainty that this will pass, as it always does, knowing that somehow provides me little comfort. i feel lonely and lost.

i light another cigarette…, knowing the drug, the smoke, lend strength to my wide eyes and racing mind, but it also lends me some comfort. i could give a list of troubles, but without context, they would do little good. though, for the sake of archiving
this night and these thoughts, maybe i should….

am i bipolar?
i think my brother’s depressed
i don’t know what i’m doing with my life; am i aimless
why can’t i focus?
did my parents’ divorce really screw me up, somehow?

i don’t know where to start with any of these thoughts, questions. i could go on and on and on, but with no avail. at the end i’ll be right here. in this same place, lonely and lost and without answers.

i don’t feel like talking to anyone. seeing anyone. i don’t want to work. i don’t want to think or feel. i just want to sit and do the one thing that quiets my mind: watch tv. admittedly, its all banality, television. i admit it. but for better or worse, its the one thing that serves as a distraction. i’ve never been one to drown my troubles with drugs or booze. just television.

and yet there’s so much work to be done. an event to coordinate, a test to study for, a career to build, and so on and so on. but these thoughts have sapped my will and motivation. i don’t know what to do but sit and try not to think about any of it. its all i want to do.

all i can hope for is that sleep will eventually come and with it a new day, a renewed center and motivation. here’s hoping.