so, it was pointed out to me, again, this evening that i think too much.  in most situations i would agree that’s not a bad thing, but when it comes to me and my brain, often times thinking can become an issue.

maybe i should say over-thinking.  for as long as i can remember, my brain has always had a mind of its own, so to speak and over the years i’ve learned that about the only two things that will shut it off for any length of them is sleep and television… and the prior is debatable.  i think about all sorts of things, but really it can all be boiled down to two things: consequences and girls, or rather the consequences when dealing with girls.

i feel i can’t give an example, because by brain is preoccupied with the current most dilemma, but will instead try to speak in generalities (i know you’re excited) of examples past.

from the time girls became ‘interesting’ and ‘cootie-free’ i’ve worried about how to approach girls i’m interested in.  my over-active brain, oddly enough, can never think of anything to say.  in the past i’ve relied on mutual friends to bridge the gap (i call it the seveth grade syndrome), though seldom with any measure of success.

admittedly, i’ve gotten better at these things over the years, but still feel i’m quite a ways from where i should be (given my age).  the current dilemma (i’m fairly convinced it really only exists in my brain) bears this out.  even now, i am a bit fearful that i’ve said too much as it now seems entirely possible that the girl in question knows about, and has read, this blog.

in brief, when it comes to girls, i am more or less a bumbling idiot and that has changed only a bit over the years.  as a result of this lack of progress, the issue rears its head again; do i employ the counsel of mutual friends for advice and guidence (accepting whatever consequences may be associated), or do i go directly to the souce of my doubt and accept the notion that i have to shove yet another rejection (however polite) under my belt?

i haven’t a clue, but now it’s time for my to attempt to shut off my brain with sleep.  g’night.

last night i went to my first public hearing for a bill.  HB908 relates to civil unions and, if passed, would give homosexual partners the same rights as married couples in the state of hawaii.

i listened to nearly four hours of testimony before i left and the hearing continued for another hour and a half after i left.

though i didn’t give testimony myself, i went because it’s an issue that i feel very strongly about and have gay friends who have been discriminated against for too long in this state and in this country.  the overwhelming majority of those who testified last night were in favor of the bill and after listening to nearly four hours of supportive testimony, if figured it was a done deal and didn’t feel the need to stay any longer.  i was wrong.

apparently, after all the testimony was given, the chair of the judiciary committee decided to defer the vote, essentially killing the bill and along with it the hopes of so many people.  the reason he gave was that there weren’t enough votes to pass the bill out of committee.  i have sources that tell a slightly different story, though for the sake of anonymity i won’t go into the details.  let me just say that i think the chairman acted like a coward.

during the course of the hearing, i was so interested and excited to be there.  while i remain largely disillusioned about the state democracy in this country, i couldn’t help but think how great the whole thing was: people from around the community coming out to speak in support of (or opposition to) a piece of seeming controversial legislation.  on the walk back to my car i felt it had been an evening well spent and was confident the bill would pass out of committee.

as i said, my confidence was clearly premature.  i learned this morning of the unfortunate events that took place after i left and i have to say i was a bit angry.  hearing the behind-the-scene details made me even more angry.  it seems to me like such the right thing to do i can’t help but struggle to understand the other side and keep referring in my mind to the civil rights movement of the 60’s.  however angry or disappointed i might be today, i can only guess how the gay and lesbian community feels right now.

to me it’s a simple question of civil rights and honestly, i equate those people who are against civil unions (or gay marriage) to those people in the 50’s and 60’s who agreed with ‘separate but equal’ for black.  they’re people who have a narrow (and i say selfish) view of life, family, values, and equality.  they’re the people who stand in the way of the equal rights because they worry about how it will effect their own life.  it may be a strong statement, but i have no respect for that kind of person.

when i bought my cigarettes today there was a little

i don’t even know what to say or where to start.  to be honest, i’m thinking about things i shouldn’t be bothering with and my brain is storming scenarios that most likely surpass ridiculous….  my brain has a mind of it’s own, so to speak and over the years i’ve learned that really all i can do is ride it out and eventually the storms and insanity pass.

still, recent conversations have changed my outlook a bit.  in previous posts, i’ve concluded that parts of my life are outside of my control.  i am on a path which i have little control over.  these conversations have made me reevaluate those conclusions.  i can’t deny the fact that i am in the situation i’m in because of the choices i’ve made.  it has become clear to me that hawaii is not a good place for me to find a girl or a worth while relationship.

but how is that anyone else’s fault but my own?  i could have left any time i wanted, but have stayed.  and i don’t regret the decision.  i’ve spent so many years looking for nothing more than a girl and a relationship.  for the first time in my life i’m actually doing something for myself, something that doesn’t revolve around me trying to find a girlfriend.  i like it here.  this is the first place i’ve lived where i feel like i’ve got a good thing and a life that i like and am proud of.

having said all that, there is still a part of me that does want to be in a real, serious relationship (it would quite possibly the first one) and hawaii isn’t the place i’m going to do that.  could it be time for me to leave?  have i done everything here i wanted?  to be honest, i’m not sure.  what’s more, right now i don’t have any clear, definitive reason to leave.  what’s more, i’ve recently applied to graduate school here.

for better or worse, i don’t believe my time in hawaii is finished.  despite the fact that this place grows on me a bit more everyday, i feel i still have things to do here before it will be time for me to leave.  granted, i don’t know what those things are and i’m not sure how long it will take for me to accomplish them, but i just don’t feel like i’m done here.  i still have work to do.

i don’t think i’ve made any really bad choices recently and as such feel my gut has been guiding me in the right direction.  for now, anything that happens will have to happen with me in hawaii.  i do, however, foresee a trip to ohio in the near future, and who knows what that will bring.  hell, at the very least, i’ll get to meet hal’s girl (the first of his, i might add, that i’m really excited to meet).

right now i like my life and whatever complaints i might have are minor.  right now all i can do is continue to do what i’ve been and simply hope that it all works out (which i’m not really worried about).  in the meantime, in light of recent conversations and revelations, i feel like i can at the very least see what happens from here.

(sorry if this particular post seems vague.  it is partially intentional, to avoid complications, but is also the result of me being a little drunk.  g’night)