sometimes being left handed is a pain in the ass.

my phone battery is running a little low, so that’s why i’m writing this down first.

do you ever get the feeling that the world is reminding you that your life is a bit of a joke?

i really wish i had a nice digital camera so i could start taking pictures again.  i miss photography and i miss darkrooms.

secrets bug the shit out of me, especially when someone gives up part of it, but leaves out some of the details.  it should be all or nothing, as far as i’m concerned.

i have officially (sort of?) applied for admission to graduate school.

i’ll keep you posted….

http://www.myspace.com/regardingfrost

the last couple days of my life haven’t been the best.  admittedly, though, they have been still far better than days of years past by comparison.

in recent weeks, i’ve begun to realize that, despite my previous adamant belief, there is in fact a g-d.  he my not be kind, or fair, he does, nonetheless, have a plan for everyone.  now i don’t claim to even begin to understand this grand plan of his, or even his plan for my life, but i do believe that he does have a plan for me.  i have become like all the others of faith in the world; i can’t explain or rationalize the course and events of my life, so there must be a plan beyond my sight and understanding.  and i am only now beginning to come to terms with this.

now, don’t misunderstand me, i am not (as some believe) complaining.  quite the contrary is true.  while the course of my life to this point has not led me through calm waters, it has made me the person i am today and while in no way perfect, i quite like the person i am (despite what others might claim).  i am smart, funny, talented, and good at what i do.  i seem to have a knack for putting people at ease and am readily likable.  i am good and honest and have people who care for and love me.  there’s not much more i can ask for….

but there are things missing from my life.  i don’t yet have the career i want, though i am striving to reach that goal.  and i am completely ill equipped to deal with women on any sort of meaningful and personal level.  the course of my life has made these things difficult for me to achieve.  while i was learning to not hate myself and the world, others were being studious and getting good grades, i was just trying to get by.  this has been the course of my life.  while others were learning who they were and how to interact with and date members of the opposite sex, i was dealing with a self-loathing brought me to contemplate suicide.  this was the course of my life.

i am not complaining.  all these things, events, feelings, and situations made me the person i am.  of course it sucked.  of course i was miserable for years, but aside from one or two details, i wouldn’t change any of it.  the course of my life has brought me here.  i live in a beautiful place.  i have great friends who i wouldn’t have met otherwise.  i finally know what it is i want to spend my life doing.  there is virtually nothing i have to complain about.  virtually.

while i may have given away more than just a summary of an essay i’m writing, i feel, in light of certain recent conversations, that i put this out there;  i do not hate my life.  i do not hate myself.  i am quite a fantastic person, if you want to know the truth.  the fact of the matter is, however, that as a result of this course my life has taken, i may move forward without some things i’ve always wanted.  no one’s life is perfect and no one’s life is without some disappointment.  life is full of small disappointments.  what matters is how we deal with them.

when the aforementioned essay is completed, i’ll be sure to let you all know.

goodnight.

that’s right. 2007 is upon us. another year older, closer to retirement, old age, and death. cheery thoughts, no? just kidding. i am expecting, in some ways, 2007 to out do 2006, though i’m not sure how yet.

really, despite my relatively positive outlook on this year, i want to talk about something maybe a little less inspiring. anyone who is familiar with this blog should be able to guess the topic with ease. it is a variation on a familiar theme: my bachelor status.

recent engagement announcements have once again served as a stark reminder of just how very far away i am from such an announcement of my own. don’t get me wrong, i couldn’t be happier for them and can’t wait to be amongst the onlookers (assuming i can get away and afford to attend both).

there is a difference, i guess between my feelings on this subject now as apposed to, say… two years ago. there was a time when i thought all i needed to be happy was to be in a relationship. now i know that’s not the case and i don’t have the same overwhelming need to have a girlfriend, but still, it’d be nice.

here’s the thing, though; i’m not sure i’ll ever find the right girl. as another year fades to memory i look around and see couples almost everywhere. as i get older, the window of opportunity gets smaller and smaller. i don’t say this from a place of self-doubt or pessimism. i say this as an observer of other men and women my age.

people are coupling up and getting married left and right, it seems. and as has always seemed to be the case, the girls i find interesting are either already coupled, or are quite simply uninterested in me. admittedly, the aspects of my personality associated with meeting and interacting with women has changed very little. so maybe i don’t put myself out there as much as i should, or could.

but if two plus years of therapy taught me anything, it’s that there are simply parts of my personality that aren’t going to change. i’m always going to be shy and awkward around girls, at least at first. i’ve come to accept this aspect of my personality and it doesn’t really bother me anymore. as a result, however, i have to accept the reality that this is going to make it much more difficult to meet girls worth dating.

and this brings me to the thought that has been quietly gnawing at me for the last several weeks; maybe i’m meant to be single. being someone who has never believed in g-d, someone who has never believed in fate and destiny, this is a startling notion with which i’m struggling to come to terms.

the simple, if not slightly depressing, thought that i’m supposed to be single is forcing me to reassess my whole view of existence and it freaks me out just a bit….

of course, i could meet the perfect girl tomorrow.  life’s a crap shoot that way.