thereâ€™s nothing like doing some writing to combat boredom. boredom and frustration. while my life continues to progress and change, i canâ€™t help but feel stuck and alone. granted, these are feelings iâ€™m used to and as such know how to deal with them. nonetheless iâ€™m compelled to write.
in the last couple of years my writing has improved, if only just a bit, simply because of these feelings. i write more often than i once did, even though most of the time i donâ€™t really feel like iâ€™ve got anything to write about. tonight is no different. i donâ€™t know that iâ€™ve got anything particularly interesting or inspiring to say, but here i am writing just the same.
i think part of the reason i do more writing is that when iâ€™m bored one of my favorite things to do is listen to music: just sit and listen. and since itâ€™s easier to listen to mp3s than it is to flip in and out cds, i spend the majority of my bored hours in front of the computer. that being the case, i write. of course, i also like to type. thereâ€™s just something fluid about typing that i enjoy and as a result, my typing has improved as well.
now, i know none of you really care about my writing skills or the frequency of my writing, youâ€™re here to see what i have to say. i guess, then, that i should stop with the jibber jabber and focus in on a topic for this most recent writing spree…. letâ€™s see… well, i have a hard time making small talk when iâ€™ve got something working in my brain (which is more often than you might think). the problem with that is twofold. for one thing, if i write about whatâ€™s really on my brain currently, i immediately place myself in the dilemma i wrote about in the previous posting. for another, i feel like its the same shit i always write about, in which case, youâ€™ll probably find it terribly boring and pathetic. so what do i do?
i donâ€™t know why i bother asking questions like that. none of you ever respond or make comments to what i write. let me say thatâ€™s a bit frustrating. my postings would more likely be diverse and interesting if you all made comments. right now iâ€™ve got nothing to feed off of but my own self-deprecation. if you people actually contributed every now and then, that might be different. i guess itâ€™s not good, though, to bad mouth your audience…. so, weâ€™re back to coming up with a topic for this posting….
i canâ€™t help but return to the dilemma at hand. do i post whatever it is iâ€™m thinking and feeling regardless of the consequences, or do i sensor myself for the sake of ease and safety? a diary generally isnâ€™t a thing for public consumption. the things you write in it are for your own sake and not for the eyes of others. isnâ€™t that right? you have little girls all across the country with locks on their diaries so their brothers canâ€™t read about the boy they like, or what they did the other day while her parents were out of the house.
of course, she keeps that diary locked because sheâ€™s afraid of getting grounded or being ridiculed. would she keep it so safe if she werenâ€™t worried about the consequences of others reading such things. i do worry about the consequences, but the question is, should i worry? itâ€™s the same thing, i worry about the girl i like reading the things i might write about her. i worry about how friends might take a posting about them.
i think the biggest concern comes from what might be a lack of context for a particular posting. they may read it and take more from it than was intended. they may also put their own interpretation on what it is i might write, without asking me about it. they might get creeped out by the things i think and feel. shock, surprise, anger… who knows what someone might feel after reading a posting that directly concerns them.
it would seem, after all this, that i should have no dilemma at all. i donâ€™t want friends pissed at me and i donâ€™t want to blow any chance i might have with a girl. just donâ€™t post anything controversial. of course, that seems like the reasonable conclusion, but if iâ€™m not going to be honest, if iâ€™m not going to put myself out there all the way, then is there any point in me even having this site and posting these things? i would say no.
also, while its true that i do worry about these things, i wish that i didnâ€™t. i donâ€™t want to be thinking about what this or that person might say, or how they might react when they read a posting. i donâ€™t want to be censored, even by myself. can i, then, deal with the chance that things might happen that i donâ€™t want? can i deal with the idea that i might upset friends? obviously, i could keep going, but i think iâ€™ve repeated myself for one posting. itâ€™s clear at this point that this isnâ€™t something thatâ€™s going to be resolved in one night….