it’s funny how people change over the course of their lives. what’s even funnier is when dramatic life changes take place in a person over the course of just a couple of years. what’s stranger still is how a person will say they refuse to change this or that about themselves. and then there’s the clincher: refusing to change, but changing nonetheless.

i’d have to admit to falling into both of those last two categories. what’s ironic, i think, is that i moved out here with the goal of changing myself and my attitude and my lifestyle and my way of looking at the world. with that grandiose goal in mind, i’ve actively and consciously been resistant to nearly any change whatsoever. now, why is that?

i mean, i’ve never liked change in my life. i’m resistant to change of any kind, large or small and i’m slow to adapt to any change that does occur. i say i want to change. i say i’m going to change, but then do nothing to bring about that change. my will sees to be opposed to itself, if you can believe that.

maybe that’s not right. maybe it’s not my will fighting with itself. maybe its something more direct, simpler than that. my will is fighting against inertia. it’s fighting against a lifetime of habits. so, am i expecting too much of myself to make quick and dramatic changes?

i don’t know. on the one hand, an overnight change is difficult, if not impossible to achieve. change comes slowly, in small steps, and with hard work. my doctor says habits take at least ten weeks to form. that’s two and a half months. there’s nothing quick about that. of course, on the other hand, i’ve been here for nearly two years: nearly 24 months, enough time to have formed all sorts of new habits.
for someone like myself, who has been in such a dark place for so long, maybe change is more difficult. i mean, no one likes being miserable, but at the same time, if you’ve spent years and years being miserable, it’s hard to imagine your life could be anything other than what it is. misery is, as corny and pathetic as it might sound, something you get used to after a while. you get used to having it around and even if change can bring something other than misery, you can still have a hard time breaking the misery habit. of course, i can only speak for myself here.

but changes in me, my life, and my philosophy are starting to show. it’s strange, but it’s just been in the last month, or so, that i’ve felt that i can work on those changes and on others. somehow, now i’ve got the energy to do it. i’ve broken out of my rut and as good as it might feel, i’m going to have to work hard to keep from getting stuck in it again.

wish me luck.

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for a change, i thought i’d write about something other than girls, or how life sucks, or blah blah blah….

nowadays, when i have a bad day, or when i’m in a bad mood, there isn’t much of a reason. at least, there’s no reason that i can easily find. bad moods come on me pretty suddenly and inexplicably and i don’t have much choice but to suck it up and ride them out. the good thing is, though, nowadays, those bad moods don’t last more than a day or two, at the most.

despite this new trend (yes, it’s a new thing for me and i’m still trying to get used to it), it’s still rare that i’m in a good mood. generally speaking, i’m pretty even keel, so to speak. i mean, usually i’m not in a bad mood, but not in a good mood either. it seems that i just am. and while i don’t know how i feel about that generally common state of being, it’s a topic for another post.

today, i wanted to take time and write about a good mood, particularly the good mood i’m in today. it’s strange to me. other than it’s friday, today isn’t any different than yesterday, or the day before. still, somehow i’m in a particularly good mood. i haven’t a clue as to why. don’t get me wrong, i’m not complaining about this. good moods are… well… good. and they’re so rare for me that, when i’m actually in a good mood, i’m in a really good mood. it’s something that i get excited about. i sort of revel in my good moods.

i can’t help but ask the question, though: why am i in a good mood? what is it about today, in particular, that put me in such a good mood? i mean, today isn’t really any different than any other day during the work week. i got up with some reluctance, showered, ate breakfast, drove to work, and so on. nothing extraordinary. yet, somehow today is different. i’m peppy. chipper.

if i were like this most of the time, i wouldn’t bother asking why. or what the trigger was. but since it doesn’t happen regularly, my brain automatically struggles to find a reason. for every effect, there is a cause. i can’t help but want to know the cause of this particular good mood.

what is ultimately frustrating about all this is that there is no reason. i didn’t feel any different when i woke up this morning, or when i was driving to work. but all of a sudden, i was chipper and upbeat, without so much as a hint to the reason. if i could find the reason, the cause, maybe it’d be something i can duplicate everyday, or at least try. that way i’d be happier more of the time….

i don’t know, maybe there is no reason, no cause. maybe this is just how it works and since it’s all pretty new to me, i haven’t figured that part out yet. i guess what it comes down to, what i have to accept that fact that there may not be a reason. i should be happy with being happy and say to hell with the cause.

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i had an interesting session, last weekend, with the shrink. he started off by asking me about jennifer (a girl i asked out before going home for the wedding) he asked if anything had happened in regards to her since my return. my answer was obviously ‘no’ (yeah, umm, i’ll have to leave that bit for another entry) and i did my best to change the topic.

i told him that i had recently had motivation problems and that i had been having a hard time being productive. well, that did the trick. the topic quickly changed to how i should be taking advantage of my time here in hawaii. and while the subject of my job came up, it was a minor point. the main point was how i wasn’t basking in the hawaiian sun, so to speak. for the most part, my days have been spent doing the types of things i could do anywhere, my job being a prime example.

the thing is, these are all things i’ve been telling myself for the last year. i came to hawaii for a change: to change myself, my life style, and my outlook. i came here to life a ‘hawaiian life’ for a few years while i could. and with the exception of the occasional beach trip, i haven’t. i have an office job and i spend most of my free time in front of the television. this is NOT how i wanted to spend my time here.
somehow, though, hearing the shrink say these things to me evoked a different response. i feel like a bit of a failure. i mean, he’s right; i have completely squandered my time here thus far. well, that’s not entirely true. i mean, i am seeing a doctor, which was a primary goal for my time here.

still, i haven’t been living life to the fullest so far. that needs to change. it needs to change now. i’m clearly in some sort of crazy rut. how am i going to change?

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i’m preparing to return home for the first time in over a year and a half. while that may not seem like a big deal to some, it is a very big deal for me for a number of reasons. for one, i feel like a different person than the one who first moved here. without blabbering on for pages, there are two main reasons for the change: my roommate and my shrink. for the first time in what seems like forever, the darkness that i used to walk around it is beginning to withdraw. i see more and more glimpses of light, more and more reasons for optimism….

as i prepare to return home, i wonder (and worry a bit) whether or not the people who matter most to me will notice the difference. i want so much to hear things like, “you seem so different” or, “you seem happier”, things of the sort. while the happiness this trip will bring me doesn’t rely solely on such things, i can’t help but think that no one will notice. it somehow leaves me with some apprehension and some doubt. i know they’ll all be happy and excited to see me, but will they notice what all my hard work has wrought?

and there are other things…. for the last week i’ve been increasingly fidgety, just waiting for the day i’d take the plane home. in the last few days, however, my brain has become increasingly preoccupied with other matters; a girl. after the julie debacle, i honestly thought i had seen my chance for a girlfriend in hawaii come and go. then, just over a week ago, i met another girl that changed my mind. last weekend i committed myself to calling her before i left… and asking her out on a date. well, i did. i can say with a fair amount of certainty that that’s something i’ve never done before….

and you think that alone would have me bouncing off the walls with joy and excitement…. well, i’m not. instead, i’m sitting here writing these words. i really wanted to take her out. i really wanted… well i’m not sure, but i definitely would have liked to see her again before leaving. alas, i waited too long. and while i did get it out, “i’d like to take you out on a date”, (something i honestly never thought i’d be able to do), i waited too long to do it. and now i’ve got to “give her a call when i get back”. i guess that’s better than nothing…. still, i can’t help but dwell on two facts, regardless of my return home: i waited too long and she’s “sorta seeing some one, but it’s not serious.”

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i saw her move across the room.
i nearly jumped out of my seat, ran across the room and hugged her.
her face changed.
she grew taller and i was alone and remorseful again

wait for it

and frustration abounds. of course, the reasons are all too clear. are all the good ones taken? how would i really know?
my prospects are scarce. i spot a girl of seeming value, only to find her taken, spoken for. pick your phrase. i don’t know how to respond to such a situation; rise to the challenge, so to speak?
am i speaking in jibberish? am i making sense at all? i can’t even begin to guess…..

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