iâ€™ve come to a decision. actually, i came to it last night, but though iâ€™d be safe and sleep on it before i decided for sure. well, iâ€™m awake now and iâ€™ve decided for sure. iâ€™ve resigned myself to a life of geeky bachelorhood. to be fair, i resigned myself to geeky bachelorhood years ago, but then it wasnâ€™t so much a matter of choice as it was an inability to see myself in a relationship. now i can see myself in a relationship, but i donâ€™t think thatâ€™s the place for me.
ok, in all honesty, it isnâ€™t a decision that was made entirely by me, but iâ€™ve accepted the reality that surrounds me and iâ€™m ok with it. as iâ€™m on my way to my 27th birthday (holy crap!), i look around and see people all around me coupling up: friends, as well as people i come across in social circles. at 26, iâ€™ve missed my window of opportunity, i think. and while will i have to admit that stings a little bit, my decision to accept this life of geeky bachelorhood is, i think, a good decision.
while in the process of writing another story, iâ€™m beginning to believe in the notion that things happen for a reason. iâ€™m not talking about fate, because i believe in free will, but iâ€™m talking about the idea that our decisions will lead us to a place in life thatâ€™s best for us. i used to fight against this notion, telling myself and others that iâ€™m somehow cursed with bad luck, cursed with shyness, cursed with depression. in the last year, or so, iâ€™ve been fighting less and accepting more.
so, while it sucks, a life of geeky bachelorhood, may be its for the best. maybe my past and my past decisions have put me on a path toward something other than marital bliss. something better? something different. iâ€™ve been told i have a way with people: a way of making them laugh and a way of making them feel comfortable and happy. while there was a time when i didnâ€™t really believe that, iâ€™m starting to now, and i donâ€™t think its such a bad thing. i mean, thatâ€™s some talent, some gift to be able to do that. if i had made different choices, if i were on another path, that might not be the case.
a life of geeky bachelorhood will have its advantages, iâ€™m sure. for one, iâ€™ll always be available for friends who need a friendly ear, or shoulder. for another, this life of geeky bachelorhood as provided for me a unique sense of the world and a sense of humor to go along with it. despite the situation, i can almost always get friends to laugh, even if they donâ€™t feel like laughing. thatâ€™s pretty cool, huh? would i have that same talent if i had had better luck in the relationship department? i donâ€™t think so.
and itâ€™s not like i know what iâ€™m missing. in a 26 year history, three brief and awkward relationships have given me few positive experiences in regards to relationships. i canâ€™t say thatâ€™s something iâ€™m particularly happy about, but thatâ€™s my experience, for better or worse. iâ€™m starting to come to the realization, as hard as it might be, that there is no such thing as a bad experience. any experience, good or bad, only helps to define the people we are and the people weâ€™ll become. iâ€™ll admit to having had lots of good experiences, though few great ones. my life has been a wash of mediocrity. that wash, though, as led me, i think, to a better understanding of my life and life in general. i can pick out the great experiences and i donâ€™t think it will be too long before i can start seeking them out.
great experiences lead to a great life and while there was a time when i couldnâ€™t see a great life for myself, iâ€™m starting to be able to see it. i donâ€™t know what that great life will be yet, though there is a notion that life is happening all around me. so i guess i will come to a place where i can say that iâ€™ve had a great life. the point, at least for this particular post, is that i always thought that great life would include a wife and a family. iâ€™m starting to accept the fact that that might not be the case. like i said, its not the easiest thing to come to terms with, but iâ€™m working on it.
itâ€™s pretty clear to me that iâ€™ve missed my biggest window of opportunity. from here on out, the odds of a wife and kids shrinks a little every day. while it makes me a little sad, iâ€™ve always said that my friends are my family. i still feel that way and maybe thereâ€™s a reason for that feeling. iâ€™ve felt that way for years and it could be because my life would be void of a family in the traditional sense. for me, well, iâ€™ve got a family thatâ€™s spread across the entire country. in the course of my life, iâ€™ve already built a family for myself.
a life of geeky bachelorhood wonâ€™t be as bad as one might think. my path is leading somewhere else and iâ€™m learning to accept that.