i hate the word cute. i hate the way it sounds and i hate what it means….

mostly, though, i hate when people say i’m cute. sure, there was a time when i was flattered by it, but then i went to college and found that cute us word girls associate with friends. i’ve never met a gilr that is looking for a cute guy. they don’t go to clubs looking for a cute guy. they’re looking for the beefy metrosexual. girls don’t gossip about the cute guys they meet.

cute is something they settle for. cute and nice. if they could help it, they wouldn’t date cute guys at all. they’d simply keep them as friends, as little pets to make them feel better about themselves, feel better when the beefy metrosexual dumps them, or says something mean, or cheats on them. it’s the nice, cute friend they keep around when times get tough.

and while i’ll admit there’s something kinda nice about that, it doesn’t pay the bills, so to speak. at the end of the day, the cute guy is nothing more than a caring shoulder to cry on. what’s wrong with that, you might ask. well, it’s pretty simple, as far as i’m concerned; the nice, cute guy gets shafted every time in favor of the beefy metrosexual jackass. and the cute nice guy is expected to be there to clean up the mess. the thing is, if the girl saw the virtue of the nice and cute guy in the first place, there’d be no problem.

it’s not that i mind being thought of as dependable, reliable, trustworthy, or anything of the sort, quite the contrary in fact. the problem is girls seem to only really want those kinds of traits from cute, nice guy friends. when it comes to relationships, they’re traits that seem to be negotiable, which i don’t understand.

i hate that i’m cute. from my experience, which i will admit may be a bit limited, being called cute is a relationship death sentance. the cute nice guy will inevitablly end up alone and without love in his life. given this outcome, who the hell would want to be thought of as cute?

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it’s been a strange set of days:
shrink
restless sleep
rain
panic attack
preoccupied with a new york stranger
enternal sunshine of the spotless mind
loneliness

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i don’t know what the hell is going on in my head. the week wasn’t that bad, in fact, there were one or two highlights, which should have carried me through to this next week. somehow, though, starting yesterday night, my mood turned dark and i haven’t quite been able to shake it since.

usually, when i’m in a bad mood, there is a reason, there’s a catalyst that sets me off. this time, though, i can’t think of what that catalyst was. i’m just crabby and i can’t figure out why.

there are a couple of things that i’ve had on my mind, but it’s hard for me to say that any of those things have brought me down. nonetheless, i’m frustrated.

i don’t know what to say. the thoughts are tumbling around in my head…. i just wish the voices would be silent for a little while….

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headache. nausea. constipation or diarrhea. falling heart rate and blood pressure. fatigue, drowsiness and insomnia. irritability. difficulty concentrating. anxiety. depression. increased hunger and caloric intake. increased pleasantness of the taste of sweets. tobacco cravings.

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