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i’ve been debating whether or not to post politically minded ramblings on this blog.  i have mixed feelings.

on the one hand, politics have increasingly become a major influence/activity in my life recently and the purpose, at least in part, of this blog is to share my thoughts and feelings on a range of topics.  as such, posting my own political commentary (even though my knowledge and experience is most certainly limited) on this site would seem to make at least some sense.  such postings would be nothing more that my thoughts and feelings on various topics, but wouldn’t most likely include statements delving into the realm of specific action (though maybe they would).

on the other hand, i did, if only half-consciously, intend the postings on this site to stay within the realm of my personal life and not to extend into the public realm of politics and policy.  now that i’ve been spending some time pondering this dilemma.., well, i haven’t come to any firm conclusions.  i like the idea of my public and political thoughts and pursuits remaining separate from those of my personal life, thoughts, and feelings.  i still intend, though i’m not sure when or how, to write more stories, more commentary on philosophy of reality, and so on.  the people who come to visit my scribblings may be uninterested in, or bothered by my views on a particular political subject.

what’s more, i hope to, one day, create an educational non-profit that would teach politics, policy, procedure, and government to the electorate.  assuming that i would be able to keep my writing fair and objective, so as not to promote one side of an argument over another (simply in order to keep from being penalized by the irs), i would want to create a site for the non-profit.

at the same time, though, i feel like a political action group (pac), might be just as, or more, useful.  i believe that my views are not all the different (with a few exceptions) from the large majority of voters, if they had a clearly understanding of how things really are and how the government isn’t, in fact, out to promote their benefit….

at this point i’m just rambling.  i do want to start another website, something with political commentary.  i’m worried, however, that that site would take away from my energy and creativity to continue posting to this site.  what’s more, i’m having a really hard time deciding what to name the not-yet-created site.  any suggestions?

so, as i’ve said on more than one occasion in this journal, i’m sure, “i haven’t written anything in quite some time.” i’ve tried on more than one occasion to do so, but haven’t been able to find anything to write about. i could chalk it up to writer’s block, but as i sit here forcing words out, i feel like there’s more to it than that. what could it be?

the entries have become increasing scarce over the last year or so. strange, its about a year ago that i started ‘feeling better.’ could it be that as my depression left me, so did my will to write? or rather, my creativity? i’ve tried to write journal entries. i’ve tried to write stories. i’ve even tried to edit and rework old stories. nothing. i’ve been able to come up with squat! years ago i used to say, half jokingly, that i was afraid if my depression vanished, so would my personality, my unique humor and worldview, so would my creativity. now, here i am, seemingly better, and now i’m starting to worry that i have, in fact, lost those things.

here’s another example of what i’m talking about…. the state democratic convention was a couple of weeks ago. i attended as a delegate and a member of the newly formed progressive democrats of hawaii. since january of this year, i have been highly involved in the organization (i recently was elected to fill a position on the steering committee). i had a great time at the convention. a fabulous time. and i had very little fear. i was only slightly timid when talking to people and even started a conversation or two… with total strangers!

for those of you that know me, this is completely not characteristic of me. i don’t do well in large crowds. i don’t do well talking to strangers. and i certainly don’t do well starting conversations with strangers. yet, despite my history, i seemed to have far less trouble at the convention. things were so exciting and fun and fast paced that i didn’t even have a chance to process this. hell, i barely had a chance to sleep. it was only as i was packing up my car with leftovers and driving home that the reality of the weekend began to set in. i panicked just a bit.

i don’t think someone who’s been mentally healthy their whole life could possibly understand what it is i’m talking about. think about it, though. what if you woke up tomorrow and felt like a different person? you could remember how you were yesterday, but don’t know how you got to a place where you worldview was different, the way you felt about yourself was different, the way you related to people was different. don’t you think that might freak you out just a bit? well, it certainly freaked me out. the shock has subsided and i’m coping, but this is a feeling and a reality that no one warned me about. i wasn’t prepared to be this different.

now, don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying this is a bad thing… at least not entirely a bad thing. no. this is a good thing. i feel 100 times better than i did two or three or ten years ago. but i worry what the cost was. have i lost the creativity i once had? have i lost that sharp, dry, dark, sarcastic sense of humor that i used to define myself and how i described the world around me? i don’t think so, at least i hope not. but how do i go about adjusting to this huge change in personality? i wasn’t prepared.

i’ve been told that everyone dreams. everyone. people dream in order to refresh their minds and to keep from going crazy. the body does it naturally, like breathing, or taking a big crap. while i may dream every night in my restless sleep, but i can count on one hand the number of dreams that i’ve actually recalled upon waking.

have you ever had a dream that seems so real, that when you wake up you wonder whether it was real? these are the only kinds of dreams i seem to have. i mean, of course i have others, every night. but these are the only ones i remember. the dream i had last night was so real. there were smells and sounds and feelings, people in know in my waking life. when i woke up this morning, i was completely disoriented.

one might think these kinds of dreams would be great to have. people who think like this are the same type of people who like bungie-jumping. i hate having them. i wish i never woke up remembering my dreams. i don’t remember dreams about flying or being a millionaire or something like that. of course not. not me. instead, i dream about the girl that crushed my heart and left me a broken person for years. or, like last night’s most recent incarnation, i dream about being in love with another girl, a new girl.

i’ve imagined falling in love for years. to keep from sounding exceedingly strange, i won’t tell you just how many years. it does go without saying, however, that i am, in many respects, a hopeless romantic (though some of my friends may say otherwise). dreams, such as the one i had last night, leave me completely shaken. aside from feeling a bit lost, confused, and disoriented upon waking, i spend the rest of that day (at least) feeling not quite myself, not to mention a bit depressed and cranky.

i mentioned this particular dream to a good friend of mine, hoping for some consolation and comfort. i guess i didn’t make that clear to her, because her response, after i explained the dream to her, she told me that carl jung believed that the people and places in our dreams are really just all representations of different aspects of ourselves. i never liked carl very much.

so, at this point, i’m not quite sure why i’m writing this. i started writing a post a few different times throughout the course of the day, but always ended up deleting it. i mean, i don’t know that this is going to make me feel any better. i can’t see how sending this out into the endless abyss that is the internet is going to help me feel better. i can’t expect a response, i mean in the two or three years i’ve been posting to this site, i’ve gotten two comments. two!

i could try to describe the dream to you, but i don’t know that it would make much sense. while i say that i still remember the dream, i just remember bits and pieces. i remember the girl, including her name. i remember seeing friends and sketchy details about my surroundings. mostly, i remember the feeling. i remember the feeling of being in love and having someone who is in love with me. and i remember the feeling when i woke up and realized it had all be a fantasy.
i can’t even begin to describe how frustrating that is. i can’t give it a vocabulary.

emotionally speaking, i’m the strongest and healthiest i’ve ever been. ever. i feel like for the first time in my life, i don’t need someone to love me so i can feel good about myself. and yet, still, i continue to think about a lost love and dream about a love that might not ever be.