let me start by saying that i’m sitting here in the middle of ohio at… oh… a little after 5am in the morning. hal is asleep on the couch and i’m out on the porch. smoking. and writing this. it should be obvious that sleep for me, for some strange reason, is completely out of the question. so, when that happens, when all else fails, i write. i can’t remember the last time i’ve had this much trouble sleeping. it’s been months, maybe even longer. for the first time in a long time, what seems like almost forever, my brain is racing. i’m thinking about things i shouldn’t be thinking about….

i recently found this song by sarah mclachlan, answer. i stumbled across it during one of my crazy download sessions, but haven’t really listened to it until tonight. maybe that was a bad idea. i’m on the brink of tears and, like i said, thinking about things, people, i really, really shouldn’t be thinking about. of those of you who know me, some of you will curse at me, some of you will say, ‘what the fuck! why do you do this to yourself? what the fuck is wrong with you?’ others will be a little more sympathetic, but not many.

a chapter of my life that was closed nearly three years ago still haunts me. a girl who broke my heart, a girl who ruined me, is on my mind. since she showed up and since she left, i have been broken. most days, i do fine. i’m happier now than i’ve been… i think in my whole life. for the first time, i feel like i’m getting my life on track. i feel motivated and positive and… dare i say it… optimistic.

some would say, and i might agree with them, that i am indeed on the mend. i’ve made huge strides in the last year to fix whatever it is that’s wrong with me. and i think i’m making progress, but she still there. she lingers in my brain. i’d say that if there were a way to cut her out of my brain, i’d do it. at the same time, though, when it came right down to it, i don’t think i could. is that the definition of masicistic?

what i think is scarey is that i used to be so much worse than i am now. she’d either keep me up at night, or she’d creep into my dreams and wake me. her presence is much more subtle now. very rarely do my thoughts linger on her and even less rarely does she appear to me in my dreams. nowadays, i’ll see her on the street. or driving in a car. or across the room in a bar. my eyes play tricks on me, but i know they’re just tricks and i can dismiss these sightings.

and while most days, she doesn’t occur to me, when she does, i can’t help but feel broken all over again. i can’t help but miss her and i can’t help but wonder…. am i still in love with her? if she were to show up on my caller id, if she were to appear in my email inbox, what would i do? how would i react? well, i don’t think there’s any question: i would answer the phone, i would respond to the email. despite everything that happened (hindsight), despite my broken heart, i can’t help but want her in my life.

i want her back, back the way she was. i want to travel back in time and see her again, as she was before the drugs, before the depression, before she changed into someone else. i can’t help but think what i would do if i knew how to contact her, if i knew where she was, if i knew how to find her. it scares me. i know it’s bad and i know it’s unhealthy for me, but i can’t help it. the girl i loved left me for drugs and for another life, but i can’t help but think about what i would leave, what i would sacrifice for just one more chance, what i would give up for her. my sanity? quite possibly.

i sit here, listening to this song over and over again, and keep going back. i want to save her. i want to rescue her. and now it’s 6am. the song continues to play and i’m broken all over again. it’s such a pretty song. go find it.

answer

i will be the answer
at the end of the line
i will be there for you
while you take the time
in the burning of uncertainty
i will be your solid ground
i will hold the balance
if you can’t look down

if it takes my whole life
i won’t break, i won’t bend
it’ll all be worth it
worth it in the end
because i can only tell you what i know
that i need you in my life
when the stars have all burned out
you’ll still be burning so bright

cast me gently into morning
for the night has been unkind
take me to a place so holy
that i can wash this from my mind
memory choosing not to fight

if it takes my whole life
i won’t break, i won’t bend
it’ll all be worth it
worth it in the end
because i can only tell you what i know
that i need you in my life
when the stars have all burned out
you’ll still be burning so bright

cast me gently into morning
for the night has been unkind

it’s funny how people change over the course of their lives. what’s even funnier is when dramatic life changes take place in a person over the course of just a couple of years. what’s stranger still is how a person will say they refuse to change this or that about themselves. and then there’s the clincher: refusing to change, but changing nonetheless.

i’d have to admit to falling into both of those last two categories. what’s ironic, i think, is that i moved out here with the goal of changing myself and my attitude and my lifestyle and my way of looking at the world. with that grandiose goal in mind, i’ve actively and consciously been resistant to nearly any change whatsoever. now, why is that?

i mean, i’ve never liked change in my life. i’m resistant to change of any kind, large or small and i’m slow to adapt to any change that does occur. i say i want to change. i say i’m going to change, but then do nothing to bring about that change. my will sees to be opposed to itself, if you can believe that.

maybe that’s not right. maybe it’s not my will fighting with itself. maybe its something more direct, simpler than that. my will is fighting against inertia. it’s fighting against a lifetime of habits. so, am i expecting too much of myself to make quick and dramatic changes?

i don’t know. on the one hand, an overnight change is difficult, if not impossible to achieve. change comes slowly, in small steps, and with hard work. my doctor says habits take at least ten weeks to form. that’s two and a half months. there’s nothing quick about that. of course, on the other hand, i’ve been here for nearly two years: nearly 24 months, enough time to have formed all sorts of new habits.
for someone like myself, who has been in such a dark place for so long, maybe change is more difficult. i mean, no one likes being miserable, but at the same time, if you’ve spent years and years being miserable, it’s hard to imagine your life could be anything other than what it is. misery is, as corny and pathetic as it might sound, something you get used to after a while. you get used to having it around and even if change can bring something other than misery, you can still have a hard time breaking the misery habit. of course, i can only speak for myself here.

but changes in me, my life, and my philosophy are starting to show. it’s strange, but it’s just been in the last month, or so, that i’ve felt that i can work on those changes and on others. somehow, now i’ve got the energy to do it. i’ve broken out of my rut and as good as it might feel, i’m going to have to work hard to keep from getting stuck in it again.

wish me luck.

for a change, i thought i’d write about something other than girls, or how life sucks, or blah blah blah….

nowadays, when i have a bad day, or when i’m in a bad mood, there isn’t much of a reason. at least, there’s no reason that i can easily find. bad moods come on me pretty suddenly and inexplicably and i don’t have much choice but to suck it up and ride them out. the good thing is, though, nowadays, those bad moods don’t last more than a day or two, at the most.

despite this new trend (yes, it’s a new thing for me and i’m still trying to get used to it), it’s still rare that i’m in a good mood. generally speaking, i’m pretty even keel, so to speak. i mean, usually i’m not in a bad mood, but not in a good mood either. it seems that i just am. and while i don’t know how i feel about that generally common state of being, it’s a topic for another post.

today, i wanted to take time and write about a good mood, particularly the good mood i’m in today. it’s strange to me. other than it’s friday, today isn’t any different than yesterday, or the day before. still, somehow i’m in a particularly good mood. i haven’t a clue as to why. don’t get me wrong, i’m not complaining about this. good moods are… well… good. and they’re so rare for me that, when i’m actually in a good mood, i’m in a really good mood. it’s something that i get excited about. i sort of revel in my good moods.

i can’t help but ask the question, though: why am i in a good mood? what is it about today, in particular, that put me in such a good mood? i mean, today isn’t really any different than any other day during the work week. i got up with some reluctance, showered, ate breakfast, drove to work, and so on. nothing extraordinary. yet, somehow today is different. i’m peppy. chipper.

if i were like this most of the time, i wouldn’t bother asking why. or what the trigger was. but since it doesn’t happen regularly, my brain automatically struggles to find a reason. for every effect, there is a cause. i can’t help but want to know the cause of this particular good mood.

what is ultimately frustrating about all this is that there is no reason. i didn’t feel any different when i woke up this morning, or when i was driving to work. but all of a sudden, i was chipper and upbeat, without so much as a hint to the reason. if i could find the reason, the cause, maybe it’d be something i can duplicate everyday, or at least try. that way i’d be happier more of the time….

i don’t know, maybe there is no reason, no cause. maybe this is just how it works and since it’s all pretty new to me, i haven’t figured that part out yet. i guess what it comes down to, what i have to accept that fact that there may not be a reason. i should be happy with being happy and say to hell with the cause.

i had an interesting session, last weekend, with the shrink. he started off by asking me about jennifer (a girl i asked out before going home for the wedding) he asked if anything had happened in regards to her since my return. my answer was obviously ‘no’ (yeah, umm, i’ll have to leave that bit for another entry) and i did my best to change the topic.

i told him that i had recently had motivation problems and that i had been having a hard time being productive. well, that did the trick. the topic quickly changed to how i should be taking advantage of my time here in hawaii. and while the subject of my job came up, it was a minor point. the main point was how i wasn’t basking in the hawaiian sun, so to speak. for the most part, my days have been spent doing the types of things i could do anywhere, my job being a prime example.

the thing is, these are all things i’ve been telling myself for the last year. i came to hawaii for a change: to change myself, my life style, and my outlook. i came here to life a ‘hawaiian life’ for a few years while i could. and with the exception of the occasional beach trip, i haven’t. i have an office job and i spend most of my free time in front of the television. this is NOT how i wanted to spend my time here.
somehow, though, hearing the shrink say these things to me evoked a different response. i feel like a bit of a failure. i mean, he’s right; i have completely squandered my time here thus far. well, that’s not entirely true. i mean, i am seeing a doctor, which was a primary goal for my time here.

still, i haven’t been living life to the fullest so far. that needs to change. it needs to change now. i’m clearly in some sort of crazy rut. how am i going to change?

i’m preparing to return home for the first time in over a year and a half. while that may not seem like a big deal to some, it is a very big deal for me for a number of reasons. for one, i feel like a different person than the one who first moved here. without blabbering on for pages, there are two main reasons for the change: my roommate and my shrink. for the first time in what seems like forever, the darkness that i used to walk around it is beginning to withdraw. i see more and more glimpses of light, more and more reasons for optimism….

as i prepare to return home, i wonder (and worry a bit) whether or not the people who matter most to me will notice the difference. i want so much to hear things like, “you seem so different” or, “you seem happier”, things of the sort. while the happiness this trip will bring me doesn’t rely solely on such things, i can’t help but think that no one will notice. it somehow leaves me with some apprehension and some doubt. i know they’ll all be happy and excited to see me, but will they notice what all my hard work has wrought?

and there are other things…. for the last week i’ve been increasingly fidgety, just waiting for the day i’d take the plane home. in the last few days, however, my brain has become increasingly preoccupied with other matters; a girl. after the julie debacle, i honestly thought i had seen my chance for a girlfriend in hawaii come and go. then, just over a week ago, i met another girl that changed my mind. last weekend i committed myself to calling her before i left… and asking her out on a date. well, i did. i can say with a fair amount of certainty that that’s something i’ve never done before….

and you think that alone would have me bouncing off the walls with joy and excitement…. well, i’m not. instead, i’m sitting here writing these words. i really wanted to take her out. i really wanted… well i’m not sure, but i definitely would have liked to see her again before leaving. alas, i waited too long. and while i did get it out, “i’d like to take you out on a date”, (something i honestly never thought i’d be able to do), i waited too long to do it. and now i’ve got to “give her a call when i get back”. i guess that’s better than nothing…. still, i can’t help but dwell on two facts, regardless of my return home: i waited too long and she’s “sorta seeing some one, but it’s not serious.”