there’s nothing like doing some writing to combat boredom. boredom and frustration. while my life continues to progress and change, i can’t help but feel stuck and alone. granted, these are feelings i’m used to and as such know how to deal with them. nonetheless i’m compelled to write.

in the last couple of years my writing has improved, if only just a bit, simply because of these feelings. i write more often than i once did, even though most of the time i don’t really feel like i’ve got anything to write about. tonight is no different. i don’t know that i’ve got anything particularly interesting or inspiring to say, but here i am writing just the same.

i think part of the reason i do more writing is that when i’m bored one of my favorite things to do is listen to music: just sit and listen. and since it’s easier to listen to mp3s than it is to flip in and out cds, i spend the majority of my bored hours in front of the computer. that being the case, i write. of course, i also like to type. there’s just something fluid about typing that i enjoy and as a result, my typing has improved as well.

now, i know none of you really care about my writing skills or the frequency of my writing, you’re here to see what i have to say. i guess, then, that i should stop with the jibber jabber and focus in on a topic for this most recent writing spree…. let’s see… well, i have a hard time making small talk when i’ve got something working in my brain (which is more often than you might think). the problem with that is twofold. for one thing, if i write about what’s really on my brain currently, i immediately place myself in the dilemma i wrote about in the previous posting. for another, i feel like its the same shit i always write about, in which case, you’ll probably find it terribly boring and pathetic. so what do i do?
i don’t know why i bother asking questions like that. none of you ever respond or make comments to what i write. let me say that’s a bit frustrating. my postings would more likely be diverse and interesting if you all made comments. right now i’ve got nothing to feed off of but my own self-deprecation. if you people actually contributed every now and then, that might be different. i guess it’s not good, though, to bad mouth your audience…. so, we’re back to coming up with a topic for this posting….

i can’t help but return to the dilemma at hand. do i post whatever it is i’m thinking and feeling regardless of the consequences, or do i sensor myself for the sake of ease and safety? a diary generally isn’t a thing for public consumption. the things you write in it are for your own sake and not for the eyes of others. isn’t that right? you have little girls all across the country with locks on their diaries so their brothers can’t read about the boy they like, or what they did the other day while her parents were out of the house.

of course, she keeps that diary locked because she’s afraid of getting grounded or being ridiculed. would she keep it so safe if she weren’t worried about the consequences of others reading such things. i do worry about the consequences, but the question is, should i worry? it’s the same thing, i worry about the girl i like reading the things i might write about her. i worry about how friends might take a posting about them.

i think the biggest concern comes from what might be a lack of context for a particular posting. they may read it and take more from it than was intended. they may also put their own interpretation on what it is i might write, without asking me about it. they might get creeped out by the things i think and feel. shock, surprise, anger… who knows what someone might feel after reading a posting that directly concerns them.

it would seem, after all this, that i should have no dilemma at all. i don’t want friends pissed at me and i don’t want to blow any chance i might have with a girl. just don’t post anything controversial. of course, that seems like the reasonable conclusion, but if i’m not going to be honest, if i’m not going to put myself out there all the way, then is there any point in me even having this site and posting these things? i would say no.

also, while its true that i do worry about these things, i wish that i didn’t. i don’t want to be thinking about what this or that person might say, or how they might react when they read a posting. i don’t want to be censored, even by myself. can i, then, deal with the chance that things might happen that i don’t want? can i deal with the idea that i might upset friends? obviously, i could keep going, but i think i’ve repeated myself for one posting. it’s clear at this point that this isn’t something that’s going to be resolved in one night….