the last couple of mornings i’ve woken to my alarm groggy and unsettled. the groggy part is pretty standard. though i’ve been at it for a while, the buzz of my 5:30am alarm is never welcome. unsettled, however, is an unusual state for my brain first thing in the morning.

for as long as i can remember, i’ve been a terrible, restless sleeper. i’m not sure why, but that’s just how it’s been for me. as a result, i think it’s always been harder for me to crawl out of bed in the mornings than the average person. i used to think it was a function of my low-grade depression. but though my emotional state has improved over the years, my ability to get a well-rested night of sleep hasn’t.

i’ve contemplated visiting a sleep clinic, if only for the sake of my own curiosity. what might they find?

still, today’s post is about my dreams and how they affect me in the waking hours.

supposedly, everyone dreams. maybe. for myself, what is certain is that i rarely remember the subject or content of my dreams come morning. the ones i do remember tend to be fraught with emotional baggage. lingering frustrations and disappointments in my daily life that most days i’ve managed to push out of my conscious brain.

i hesitate, here, to give too many details. it’s all a bit personal and… a bit embarrassing to me.

while unconscious, i admit these dreams are nice. they’re vivid, warm, lovely dreams…. as i sit typing this now, i’m reminded of how people experienced “the nexus” in star trek generations…. and sometimes i’ll try to get back to sleep in the hope of holding on to those images, feelings a bit longer.

when i do have one of these deeply vivid and emotional dreams, the feelings and images can stay with me for days. sometimes weeks. these dreams put me off balance in a way that makes concentrating during my waking life more difficult. i’m put on edge, frustrated, cranky, distracted.

and so it has been for the last few days. to be reminded by my subconscious of all the things missing in my life is… irksome. as nice as these things are when i’m sleeping, i’d rather not have them at all.

stupid, stupid dreams….