the pleasure is gone

so, i’m thinking i’ll try to quit smoking. it’s a strange thing, i mean, i knew there would eventually come a day when i just got sick of smoking, but that day felt like it was a ways off. then, last night, after a couple of days of discomfort, it just occurred to me that it might be time to break the habit….

i started smoking on a whim, though only a couple of cigarettes a day. only during a time of high stress and depression did that number skyrocket to around a pack a day. for three or four years, cigarettes have served as a crutch of sorts. they would comfort me in times of stress, during periods of depression or frustration, and would give me something to occupy my mind in the car or at home alone.

i’m not sure it’s a habit i’m ready to give up. in some ways, i’m as adamant a smoker as i used to be an anti-smoker. i love smoking. i thoroughly enjoy smoking. i love everything about it… well almost. there are mornings i wake up hacking and with my lungs in a certain amount of pain.

and now i’m going to try and quit, not cold turkey, so to speak, but gradually. for the first time in years, i think i might just be strong enough, mentally, to give quitting a real chance. still, it might be some time before i give it up completely, simply because i enjoy it so much.

for now, i’m going to try to cut back to just five cigarettes a day. i’ll let you know how it goes.

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