i had an interesting session, last weekend, with the shrink. he started off by asking me about jennifer (a girl i asked out before going home for the wedding) he asked if anything had happened in regards to her since my return. my answer was obviously ‘no’ (yeah, umm, i’ll have to leave that bit for another entry) and i did my best to change the topic.

i told him that i had recently had motivation problems and that i had been having a hard time being productive. well, that did the trick. the topic quickly changed to how i should be taking advantage of my time here in hawaii. and while the subject of my job came up, it was a minor point. the main point was how i wasn’t basking in the hawaiian sun, so to speak. for the most part, my days have been spent doing the types of things i could do anywhere, my job being a prime example.

the thing is, these are all things i’ve been telling myself for the last year. i came to hawaii for a change: to change myself, my life style, and my outlook. i came here to life a ‘hawaiian life’ for a few years while i could. and with the exception of the occasional beach trip, i haven’t. i have an office job and i spend most of my free time in front of the television. this is NOT how i wanted to spend my time here.
somehow, though, hearing the shrink say these things to me evoked a different response. i feel like a bit of a failure. i mean, he’s right; i have completely squandered my time here thus far. well, that’s not entirely true. i mean, i am seeing a doctor, which was a primary goal for my time here.

still, i haven’t been living life to the fullest so far. that needs to change. it needs to change now. i’m clearly in some sort of crazy rut. how am i going to change?