so, i had a thought tonight. no, it’s not the first time.

this particular thought came to me a couple of hours after i received a call from a friend of mine who’s going through a difficult break up. and even though i’ve technically only been through one bad break up myself, i can relate to her situation. yes. break ups suck. i, however, do not draw on my experience from this bad break up, but in fact from a situation i went through several years ago with a girl i was totally in love with, but never actually dated. our friendship ended quite bitterly. i was completely shattered and took years to recover. some days i don’t think i’ll ever fully recover from it actually.

so, what’s this thought, you ask? well, let me try to lay it out for you….during our conversation this evening, my friend, through whimpers and tears, said she feels pathetic. she’s almost 30 and feels hopeless (she didn’t say hopeless specifically, but it was inferred) and alone. i can relate and sometimes feel the same way, but after we finished our conversation it occurred to me that i don’t actually feel any pity for her. yes, it sucks that she’s single again and the guy was arguably an ass. however, after having recently moved (back) to hawaii, she’s been in two relationships. she’s gorgeous and smart and has no problem ‘getting a guy.’ i have zero doubt that she’ll find someone else… and probably sooner rather than later.now i, on the other hand.., haven’t had a date in as long as i can remember, certainly not since i’ve been here. i haven’t been in a relationship in five years. my last girlfriend is now married with a kid. i’ve never kissed a girl and get tongue tied and hopelessly flustered around any girl i have an interest in. i’m not asking for and don’t want your pity. that’s not what this is about.

over the last year, or so, i’ve started to wonder where my life is leading me. in what why will the events and experiences of my life culminate? while i don’t have an answer, the thought that came to me tonight is this; what if all the emotional shit and baggage, what if the wreck that was katie gave me the insight to relate to others in order to help them get through failed relationships? reading the words, it now sounds a bit cheesy, but ultimately that’s where my brain led me this evening.

it also occurred to me that there are people out there that just really need to be in a relationship in order for their lives to meaningful. without a relationship they don’t know what to do with themselves. maybe it’s a self-esteem issue? i mean, there was certainly a time when i thought a girlfriend was the answer to all my problems. once i got in a relationship, everything would be fine. i don’t feel that way anymore and while there’s still part of me that really likes the idea of having a girlfriend, no i know now that no relationship will define me as a person.

i also know that i can stand on my own, have a full and happy life, even if i never meet that special someone. sure its a bit frustrating to think that i might be alone (single) for the rest of my days, but i also take a lot of comfort in knowing that i don’t need a relationship to make my life something of value. i’d like to be able to get my friend to see that about herself, maybe i’ll be able to help her do that, maybe i won’t.