I don’t get sick very often. Colds and the flu rarely affect me. It seems, now, that I’ve been afflicted with something a bit more serious and chronic. I’m posting about this now because this illness has caused me to be absent in my usual circles over the last several weeks and months and as that absence has become conspicuous; people are starting to ask questions. I’ve avoided saying anything publicly or broadcasting en masse my situation because I don’t really like pity, but I know some are concerned and so I’m taking this opportunity to set the record straight.

The first symptoms appeared around the end of of August; stomach cramps and constipation. After a couple of weeks without any relief, and because I don’t have any health insurance, I went to see a doctor at the Waikiki Health Center, who prescribed some medication which eventually helped a bit, but didn’t eliminate the symptoms altogether. As time went on without any real relief, the doctor there finally insisted on a CT scan, as there was no way to proceed without taking a look at what might be going on.

as i prepare to revamp my other blog for a new project, of sorts, i’ve started looking around for new themes for this one. i really like this theme and am not opposed to keeping it, especially since i’ve spent so many hours personalizing it and editing code, but i saw a site recently that i really like. its simple and elegant and it inspired me to do a bit of searching for a new look.

in the meantime, though i don’t think i get too many visitors these days, you may notice some small changes as i play with different plugins, fonts, and themes. stay tuned for a possible shift in style.

i’ve been meaning to write since the end of the legislative session, but obviously haven’t. between returning to the ranks of the unemployed, trying to draft in my brain a blow by blow description of my experiences working at the legislature, myriad projects, the county and state democratic conventions, and thoughts of frustration and longing, i have been unable to get myself to sit down and actually post something. a lack of motivation, admittedly, has also played some role in my inability to sit down and get something out.

my time at the legislature was fantastic: a great experience. my office manager and fellow session staffers were very cool and working along side them made the experience all the better. i have little doubt ours was the best office in the whole building! and, of course, rep. morita is just great (check out her blog). one of the best legislators we have and just a good, cool person. there’s no one else there i’d rather work for (should i ever decide to go back for another session).

after months of saying we’d talk on skype, i finally got to see my new baby nephew, my sister, brother-in-law, and very precocious niece in real time from the other side of the world.

the last time i saw any of them nearly a year ago, rex was still nameless and yet to be born and isis was much smaller, but still very sharp. i’ve only spent time with isis a few times since she was born and i always worry she won’t remember me. that didn’t seem to be the case the other night.

in recent weeks, my brain has been wandering more than normal. that may not be saying much, but its true nonetheless. i’ve been itching to write for a little while now, but haven’t been able to drag myself to the keyboard. even now, my fingers are slow to move and i struggle to find words for what i want to say.

part of the problem is i don’t want to write what i’m really thinking. a lot of it is just the same old shit and i’m trying to keep from airing the same doubts, the same frustrations, the same loneliness. i told myself a while back that i had to choose what my life would be about: my work or a relationship. at the time, i didn’t think i could practically focus on both as one seemed to be unrealistic. i chose work.

since then, i will admit i’ve done a good job focusing, mostly, on politics and trying to do that stuff well. when meet a nice, attractive woman i don’t get nervous and i don’t get fidgety, because i almost instantly discount the possibility that they might be interested. i’ve successfully trained my brain to accept the infinitesimally small chance of any success that i don’t even worry about it. now, i say ‘mostly’ done a good job focusing, because if i had been completely successful in choosing one over the other, the post now in progress would be about something else entirely, probably politics, and the tools i use as a distraction for my brain, television, video games, wouldn’t be necessary.

i still have a twinge to be coupled, to be lucky and happily in love like so many of my friends. its a twinge i’ve yet to shake completely. and for reasons that aren’t clear to me, that twinge has been more persistent lately, like the annoying child, poking me in the back of the head. the poking keeps me up at night (not that i’ve ever slept well), keeps me from focusing on any number of projects that need my attention.

so, even though i started by saying i didn’t want to repeat the same old complaint, it seems my fingers had other ideas and have betrayed me. as such, i will immediately remove them and learn to type with my toes…. maybe they’ll be more cooperative.