i now have a hawaii driver’s license.  hurray!  does that make me officially a local?

i’ve been meaning to write this for a little while now….

you may or may not know it, but i’m the co-chair of the democratic party of hawaii convention registration and credentials committee for this year’s state convention over memorial day weekend.  the job has meant tons of work for me, weekly meetings, and a sparse social life.  i have a great group of people who’ve been helping me lighten my workload and for that i’m greatful; i couldn’t have done any of this on my own.

i met with my group a little over a week ago to dole out a stack of work after spending nearly two weeks fixing an error i made in our database.  my error was actually a minor one, but one that took lots of time and work to fix (ok, maybe not so minor) and caused us to fall a bit behind.  feeling stupid about it, i made a comment (i don’t recall it specifically now), basically calling myself stupid.  after our meeting, a friend of mine who’s been helping and i went to a movie.

as soon as we were out of earshot of everyone else, she scolded me just a bit, telling me i was never again to call myself stupid (or whatever it was i said) in front of those people.  actually, she had to remind me of my comment, because i had said it in passing, out of jest, and hadn’t thought much of it.  she said the people in my group had a lot of respect for me and (this is a bit hard to say) even looked up to me as the head of the committee and that i shouldn’t put myself down like that in front of them.

at the time, i shrugged of her comment, but it came back to me later and has been basting in my brain ever since.  when i said it, i honestly didn’t think anything of it.  i meant it as a joke and didn’t linger on the point.  nonetheless, it’s gotten me thinking about my current state of mind and self-esteem.

i will say, without a doubt, i’m more confident these days than i’ve ever been and don’t think of myself as stupid, like i once did.  when i did, however, the way i coped was to joke, to poke fun at myself.  i did it for years thinking, i guess, that if i beat people to the punchline and made fun of myself, they’d be laughing with me and not at me; self-deprecating humor was a core trait of mine for years.

it hadn’t really occurred to me previously, but maybe this part of my personality lingers just a bit.  does this mean, i have work still to do, or is it just a product of years of my trouble existence?  honestly, i’m not sure.  i used to say i didn’t want to change (which meant get better) because it would mean losing my dry, sharp sense of humor.  while i don’t think that happened, my friend’s observation and comment has called for this moment’s pause….

i haven’t really come to any conclusions here.  i’m not sure a conclusion is necessary.  while i appreciate my friend’s advice, i’m not sure i won’t make such  humorous jabs at myself in the future.  hell, if nothing else, we all make stupid mistakes and i’d rather point them out myself, maybe having a bit of a laugh in the process,  than have someone call me stupid with a straight face.  i mean, isn’t important that we own up to our mistakes, as long as we don’t duplicate them?

last night we celebrated the completion of her master’s defense.  i hadn’t seen her since before the new year and these days i don’t get out much in general, so it seemed like a good excuse to not work….

we started out at lulu’s bar, which i’d never been to before.  it was a decent place, fair beer selection….  from there we headed to sansei for uber-tasty half-price and karaoke.

unfortunately, a long week, a couple of beers, and the prospect of an early morning forced me to head home earlier than planned, but not before i was witness to something truly entertaining (and honestly, a bit surprising, at least to me).  let me take this opportunity to share it with you.

congrats meris, it was good to see you!

so, i think i’m officially over a long time, hopeless crush, just in time to pick up a second, hopeless crush.  boy, do i know how to pick’em, or what?

i think i can say with a fair amount of confidence that a long standing crush has officially died.  the major part of me is relieved; it’s like a breath of fresh air.  pining wasn’t getting me anywhere and just frustrated me.  on the other hand, there’s a part of me that is understandably, i think, disappointed that it didn’t go anywhere.  part of that may be my fault, but at the same time, i think it was just a really strong infatuation that has finally run its course.

i’ve never really slept well.  at least since high school, i’ve been a restless sleeper.  jokingly, i tell people i don’t make my bed because the next night everything ends up on the floor anyway.  in fact, it’s true.  i sleep with no sheets on the bed most of the time, because i end up having to redo it all the next day; it’s kind of a pain.

in the past (not so much anymore) i would go through periods when i wouldn’t really sleep at all.  while it probably wasn’t technically insomnia, i always figured it was about as close as one person could get to insomnia and still get some sleep.  during those periods, i’d average about 1-3 hours of useful sleep a night.  thankfully, those periods didn’t last very long, maybe a week, maybe two, but eventually i think sheer exhaustion took over and i’d catch up on what i’d missed and get back to my cycle of 4-6 hours of sleep, which i’d make up on the weekends, because i could simply stay in bed longer.

about a week ago, i started taking melatonin before going to bed.  is a suppliment, so i guess not technically a drug, over-the-counter, or otherwise.  it seems to be helping, though the thought occurred to me tonight; is it really helping or is it simply acting like a placebo?  while a part of me doesn’t like the idea of my brain playing tricks on me (which i guess it does often, anyway), ultimately does it matter?  if the stuff is helping me sleep better, and so feel better, should i really care if it actually works, or if my brain has tricked me into thinking it works.

either way, i take it 30 minutes before going to bed, and i’m at about 25.  g’night.