i’m at work.

the day after thanksgiving, while most of the people i know are still sleeping during this day off, i’m sitting here looking for things to keep me busy.  while reading some news this morning, i came across an amusing ‘article,’ in the style of the onion.  the article is quite entertaining and should amuse anyone who thinks waking up at 5am to fight crowds for christmas deals is insane.

but then, i got to thinking, why is it called ‘black friday?’  i mean, for something that is billed and the biggest shopping day of the year, it sounds a little morbid, don’t you think?  of course, i went to wikipedia to get the facts.  when entering black friday, you are first directed to a page listing numerous entries with that name.  of course, the very first one refers to the day after thanksgiving, so i click on it, but not before scanning the rest of the list.  among the black fridays in the list, there’s one that’s a song by megadeath, one that’s the title of a 1993 hindi film, one that refers to a massacre of protesters in iran in ’78, and last but not least, one that refers to an air battle over norway in 1945.

in case you’re interested, at the bottom of the page, there are links to “black days of the week.” the notion alone i find amusing, for some reason.

Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday (no black saturday?  what’s up with that?)
Sunday

you can check out the ‘thanksgiving’ version of black friday here….

there may be more to come later, as i may post multiple times today, just out of sheer boredom.

i am so completely screwed….

in fact, a couple of people have asked me if i’m going to post anything about my recent wedding trip to kansas city… here ya go.

i’ve been thinking about this post, in reality, since i arrived in KC. on average, i’ve been ‘home’ about once a year since i moved to hawaii and while every return is a bit more surreal than the last, this one was a kind of wakeup-call on a number of levels….

granted, my memory is notoriously bad, so its perfectly reasonable to wonder whether this trip was in fact the first wakeup-call or just deja vu.

i guess the best place to start would be at the beginning, right? as i started to think about and make plans for the trip, there were a few things that made me a bit apprehensive about it. for starters, apparently i’ve begun to develop anxiety about flying: not so much the crashing and dying, but about the small space surrounded by people. that’s a topic for another post. secondly, i understood a former friend of mine was also planning to attend the wedding. her and i had a falling out several months back and i didn’t want to have to deal with any drama while i was there. lastly, there was the thought of seeing and interacting with people (friends) whom i hadn’t seen or really spoken to since i was there last. i thought it would be stressful and awkward.

as it turns out, i got really lucky with both my flights there; i had plenty of space. while the same wasn’t true for the return flights, i was able to procure isle seats on both flights back. no worries. the former friend decided against attending the wedding, i’m assuming for financial reasons, though i can’t say i really asked. and, as i should have expected, seeing my old friends was fine. no stress. no awkwardness. in fact, it was like slipping on your favorite piece of clothing, or wrapping yourself in a favorite blanket. it was so nice.

it was during this trip trip that i finally realized that no matter the time or distance, those people will always be my friends. i never have to worry that we will drift apart or lose touch with that friendship. it will be there forever and truly stand the test of time. it was a great comfort and joy, making the whole weekend that much more enjoyable and memorable.

so, as it turns out, there are a number of you who visit here regularly to see what self-searching, pining, emotionally driven craziness i’ll write next.  well, you should enjoy this….

as you are probably already aware, i’ve been quietly, stealthily in pursuit of a particular girl who hasn’t yet given me much indication that i’m making any noteworthy progress.  this is, needless to say, at times frustrating, however i’m determined to keep at it.  often, after any particular encounter with her, i return, if only temporarily, to a place that i used to frequent during my more troubled and turbulent days.  after all the progress that i’ve made, after becoming largely someone else, i still have a few nasty habits, one of which is questioning my worth.

‘what the hell is wrong with me,’ i still ask myself, ‘why isn’t she interested in me?’  in the last two or three years, when this line of questioning would arise in my brain, i’d quickly move away, knowing it to be a particularly useless, not to mention dangerous, train of thought, without little or any thought.  it’s almost like a reflex for me now, i start to ask those kinds of questions and my brain instantly moves me away.  but the other day, i dwelled on the question for just a moment longer than normal and realized the underlying cause for such questions; not all my self-doubt has completely abated.

while this revelation didn’t come with too much shock, i will admit to being a bit startled by the notion.  it is the first time in months, probably longer, since i’ve had any such negative thought.  i quickly adjusted, telling myself there isn’t anything wrong with me.  just like there are girls who have been interested in me and for whom i’ve had no interest, so it is with me.  of course there are going to be girls in whom i’m interested that just don’t see me in a similar light.  that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.  if anything, i can only chalk it up to bad timing, or bad luck.  the farthest i can go is to say that i’m simply attracted to the kinds of girls that aren’t necessarily attracted to guys like me.

there is, however, nothing wrong with me.  quite the contrary, in fact, is true.  i have little doubt that i’d do very well as  a boyfriend.  granted, i haven’t been in that many relationships myself (i can count them all on one hand), but i’ve seen the mistakes and successes of my friends and others around me.  i can learn from them, even if i haven’t myself had the experience.  certainly, there are areas in which the experience of others does me no good (i won’t say specifically, but you’re keen to guess), however, i’d like to believe that when the right girl comes along, it won’t matter.

so, on the one hand, i’ve come a long way in my search for self-esteem; i know how great i am (it still sounds odd to say and a bit pompous).  still, it was a surprise to realize i still have the automatic instinct to return to that place of self-doubt, even if it is for just a moment.  clearly, i still have work to do and can’t help but wonder if i will ever manage to break myself of this unsettling habit.

…. oh, and of course, here’s hoping for future success with the girl.

looking forward, a number of my good friends here will be departing to pursue their lives in other parts of the world. this time next year, nearly all my friends will have left hawaii and that reality is cause for me to pause and look at my life here.

because i never thought i would stay in hawaii for any extended period of time, the thought never occurred to me that i would make good friends here and then watch them leave before me. it’s a strange concept reality that i’ve accepted, but at the same time, haven’t quite yet internalized.

the exodus has officially begun with one of my good kwi friends, who returned to kiwi land last week. i find some irony in her departure, as it was exactly one year ago that we met. a number of us were celebrating the birthday of a mutual friend and she and her wife joined us for part of the evening. almost immediately, her and i hit it off and we’ve been buds ever since and while she has returned home for lack of a visa, i’m glad her wife is here for a few more months.

in the next several months, many more will be leaving, while i stay behind to pursue my life in hawaii.

on the one hand, with all it’s splendor, living in hawaii doesn’t come without complications: cost of living is high, it’s virtually impossible to own a decent home. then there is, of course, the distance. i have family and friends who are, increasingly, scattered across the globe. a sister and her family in london, friends in chicago, new york, ohio, kansas city, and now even new zealand. more family in san diego, arizona, and st. paul. traveling to see any of them takes considerable expense and time. the jewish population is nominal at best with few options for worship or dating. and beyond the jewish realm, my dating prospects don’t look much better.

on the other hand, there isn’t another place that i’ve been or can think of to where i would want to relocate and despite these difficulties, i’ve told myself that i would never again choose city of residence based solely on the quality of the dating scene and so refuse to relocate simply because i more likely to meet ‘a nice jewish girl’ somewhere else. sure, i struggle to see family and friends on a regular basis, but hope that will improve as i get older and collect a bigger paycheck. hawaii is wonderful for so many reasons and i’ve really come to love it here and think of it as home. i can’t (yet) imagine leaving.

what’s more, career choices, i feel, are limited. however, i have begun to make a place for myself in the realm of hawaii politics and hope, in looking toward the future, to somehow make that place one where i can be both happy and successful.

while i’ll say i’ve never believed in the notion of destiny or divine providence, there is a part of me that truly feels the path and trials of my life have brought me here for a reason. if that is indeed the case, i haven’t yet figured out that the reason might be. i am so thankful for the time i’ve spent here, the people i’ve met, and the friends that i’ve made as a result. i’m happy and i look forward to traveling this path and seeing where it takes me. i don’t think i’ll be leaving hawaii any time soon.