you might have noticed the last few posts have been lacking in content or insight; at least one friend (who i didn’t even know read the site) has commented to that effect. this has been, at least partially, by design and while i hesitate, even now, to divulge details, i’ve reached a point where i need to vent and once again turn to my trusty blog to do so.

and so out onto a limb i go….

i recently started ‘seeing’ someone: the seeing being in quotes because not being an old hand at this sort of thing, i’m not sure what else to call it. i like her and i’m pretty sure she likes me (hurray self-deprication)….

sorry. let me try coming at this from another direction. my friends and regular readers know i’m not good at certain things. for any new comers out there, i’ll put it as plainly as i can; i’m not any good at the flirty, touchy, kissy stuff. put another way, i’m not particularly affectionate. i’ve never been. i’m rarely the first to move in for a hug with friends or family. even saying ‘i love you’ to my parents makes me a bit squeemish. this is me.

now, for the last several years, this hasn’t been an issue in my personal life, simply because i haven’t had one, as such. my first ‘date’ in at least six years took place just a week or two ago. i know enough to understand that if a date is going well, if certain signals are sent and received, flirty touching and even kissing should take place. i get it. i’ve never been any good at it, but i get it. for the last few years, i’ve been able to conveniently been forget this little problem, issue, whatever, because i’ve not been in any position in which i’d have to worry about it.

and so, with the date having gone well, i later had to explain why it didn’t go how she expected. my, “i really like you, but i’ve never been any good at the flirty, touchy, stuff,” was well received, which was a huge relief. things have gone well since. we have a really good time together, though i can’t help but sense continued awkwardness, mostly because i’m a coward and a loser, as it were.

i say it again, i’m not good at the touchy, flirty, kissy stuff and find myself back in a mindset of wondering whether i’ll ever be good at it. having had to deal with personal demons in all through my formative years, i clearly missed out on the experience of which others my age have an abundance. could it be that i’m just truly not an affectionate person?

it’d be a shame, to be sure. and i’ve made progress in the last year, or so, which is good: improvement i never thought i’d make. so maybe there’s hope yet. who knows.

at this point, really all i can say is that i am frustrated. i’m frustrated and disappointed in myself for not having the gumption, the stones so to speak, to… what? to make a move. i have to say she’s been an increadibly good sport about the whole thing. certainly, she’s been far more patient than maybe i would be if our roles were reversed, and for that i am extremely thankful.

friends have also been supportive, though not always in the most productive of ways. given a troubled history with the opposite sex, i know they’re just excited and happy that i’ve met someone i really like. from some of them, however, their excitement does nothing but lend to my already pressured and stressed psyche….

part of me is praying she doesn’t actually visit this blog, as i’m not sure how she’d react to this particular post. on the other hand, part of me hopes she does see this, doesn’t get up set and sees that more patience is required.

i’m not sure what else to say at this point. i guess i can just keep trying. i can just keep putting myself in situations that call for me to ‘step up’ and hope that i actually do. keep your fingers crossed for me and we’ll see what happens next.