this has always been one of my least favorite holidays, though the reason has evolved over the years.

for the vast majority of my adult and adolescent life, i’ve been single and always such on valentine’s day. it used to be i was jealous of all the lovey-dovey couples wandering around in some sort of annoying delirium. nothing short of sitting in my room, alone, with no television or internet would keep from me the constant reminders of my seeming perpetual bachelorhood.

valentine’s day used to make me so angry. while i was generally a mood person in college anyway, valentine’s day just magnified my anger and depression. i wasn’t really any fun to be around. i used to think i wouldn’t be happy unless i found someone to be with and this holiday served as an irritating reminder that not only was i still single, but that there were no prospects of a remedy.

don’t ask me why or from where i got such a seemingly odd notion of happiness, but there it is….

in college, around valentine’s day, i would joke about visiting the local wal-mart (before i knew they were evil), purchasing a high-powered sniper rifle, then climbing into the campus bell tower and start picking off cute and happy couples. it was a scenario i’d play in my head over and over; it made my friends laugh and me smile. yes, clearly i was a guy with issues, but even at that age i was a pacifist. i just liked the idea.

its been a long time since i thought about it, actually. if you know me,  you know i’ve actually gotten much better. my happiness is no longer predicated on my being in a relationship. in fact, for better or worse, i’ve moved the other direction, actually. it would be nice to find someone, at some point, but right now i’m focused on getting some kind of political career (i haven’t the faintest clue doing what). that’s my priority and i’m not sure i want any more distractions. put another way, i’m not looking, but you never know who may come along.

i still dislike valentine’s day, but now my reasons are different. today i see it as just another in a long line of hallmark, consumerist, capitalist holiday. an reason to buy useless stuff for someone who doesn’t need it; flowers, candy, jewelry, all very superficial ways of showing someone what they mean to you….

i guess even in romance, i’m a communist at heart.