so, you may have noticed my posting rate has dropped off significantly since that december 17th post and i haven’t recorded a video since. i promise, though, one will be coming soon.

i was going to post a short comment on my facebook wall, but thought this might be better since i imagine you’re all missing me something dreadful… so here ya go.

several months back, i wrote (and recorded) a post about online dating. in it i, among other things, commented about the high cost of eharmony as the main reason why i hadn’t given it a try. i had tried match.com previously with failed results and lamented the whole process.

well, in my email inbox today i received a special offer from eharmony with a significant–and i mean significant–discount on a one year subscription. and rather than jumping on it as an opportunity, my first thought–well, my second after “holy shit, that’s cheap”–was, “do i really want to go through this process again?”

very recently, a friend of mine actually asked me if i was still contemplating eharmony as an option and i gave him my standard line; it’s still too much until i figure out a new budget. now, for about what i used to spend on cable each month, i can join eharmony, but do i really want to? i haven’t reconciled my issues with online dating, or even dating in general, and part of me can’t help but think it’d be a waste of money and i’d simply end up a year older, eharmony having taken some of my money, and nothing to show for it.

part of me, a large part in fact, has become resigned to the fact that i will remain forever single and is ok with that. i have a career that, against all odds, continues on an upward trajectory, however slow. i have my politics and the social interactions that come with it. this part questions the need for a woman in my life “to complicate things.” as a creature of habit, this part of me likes the idea of setting my priorities, my schedule, without the need to consult anyone. it’s freedom, baby.

but, if i’m truly honest with myself, i must admit that there’s a part of me that is lonely. it’s the part of me that’s always been there, longing for someone in my life to love (and to love me). though the first part has done a remarkable job of rationalizing my situation, my psychosis (don’t ask), and stamping out nearly all signs of hope in my brain. still, hope remains. well, maybe not hope. i can’t say i’m hopeful. rather, the longing remains. spurred on by the occasional prodding of friends and the idea of a family of my own. and if i’ve learned anything from my life to this point it’s that you can’t ever be certain what tomorrow will bring, what lies just around the corner. so the longing, stubbornly, remains.

it is with this longing in mind that i ask, likely knowing what the responses will be, is it really worth the $16 a month to give eharmony a try? for six months, i stared at random, “selected for me,” profiles on match.com, paralyzed, as i watched my money slow go out the window. i’m not sure i want that experience again and have no reason to believe i’ll be able to approach the process any differently if i try again with a different service.

is there something else i should do with that $16, or should i give nourishment to that small part of my brain?

change has always been a part of life that i’ve had difficulty with. some people love change, they are always looking for that next exciting adventure, the next job, the next town in which to live, the next exotic location to visit. others don’t necessarily look for it, but experience it with apprehension; those folks just smile and move through it. i, on the other hand, struggle with it. i don’t like it. i never have.

i struggle with change and passively try to avoid it, but change, like death and taxes, is unavoidable. as i’ve gotten older and learned to deal with my various neuroses, i’ve come to accept them, including my difficulty in dealing with change. when i first moved to hawaii, i struggled and multiple times early on wanted to return to the mainland. and now that i’ve been here for so many years, the thought of potentially moving to somewhere back in the united states fills me with anxiety. (i’m not actually planning to move back, but have looked at some potential job options that would require me to do just that.)

so, it is through this lens of change that i contemplate the immediate future; my time as the policy administrative assistant for governor neil abercromie is about to come to an end. while i’ve learned, somewhat, that sometimes when things end something better follows, it is my nature to focus on the past instead; this has been the best job i’ve ever had. i think i learned a lot. the people i worked with were great and i definitely felt like i was contributing to something greater than myself, which is a pretty good feeling. on december 1st, it will end and something else will replace it. it’s absolutely possible what’s next will be even better, but optimism is an outlook that i struggle to maintain for long stretches of time.

with this in mind, i wanted to take a moment to thank wendy, kendra, debbie, tammi, yvonne, and mikey, the pogs for a happy, fun, and educational couple of years. regardless of what comes next, or what’s in store for me down the road, i have no doubt that i will always remember my time in this position and remember it with fondness. whatever the job was, it was all of you who made the experience special and memorable.

i just wanted to thank you all for that. good luck to everyone, where you might go, and be sure to keep in touch.