after months of saying we’d talk on skype, i finally got to see my new baby nephew, my sister, brother-in-law, and very precocious niece in real time from the other side of the world.

the last time i saw any of them nearly a year ago, rex was still nameless and yet to be born and isis was much smaller, but still very sharp. i’ve only spent time with isis a few times since she was born and i always worry she won’t remember me. that didn’t seem to be the case the other night.

in recent weeks, my brain has been wandering more than normal. that may not be saying much, but its true nonetheless. i’ve been itching to write for a little while now, but haven’t been able to drag myself to the keyboard. even now, my fingers are slow to move and i struggle to find words for what i want to say.

part of the problem is i don’t want to write what i’m really thinking. a lot of it is just the same old shit and i’m trying to keep from airing the same doubts, the same frustrations, the same loneliness. i told myself a while back that i had to choose what my life would be about: my work or a relationship. at the time, i didn’t think i could practically focus on both as one seemed to be unrealistic. i chose work.

since then, i will admit i’ve done a good job focusing, mostly, on politics and trying to do that stuff well. when meet a nice, attractive woman i don’t get nervous and i don’t get fidgety, because i almost instantly discount the possibility that they might be interested. i’ve successfully trained my brain to accept the infinitesimally small chance of any success that i don’t even worry about it. now, i say ‘mostly’ done a good job focusing, because if i had been completely successful in choosing one over the other, the post now in progress would be about something else entirely, probably politics, and the tools i use as a distraction for my brain, television, video games, wouldn’t be necessary.

i still have a twinge to be coupled, to be lucky and happily in love like so many of my friends. its a twinge i’ve yet to shake completely. and for reasons that aren’t clear to me, that twinge has been more persistent lately, like the annoying child, poking me in the back of the head. the poking keeps me up at night (not that i’ve ever slept well), keeps me from focusing on any number of projects that need my attention.

so, even though i started by saying i didn’t want to repeat the same old complaint, it seems my fingers had other ideas and have betrayed me. as such, i will immediately remove them and learn to type with my toes…. maybe they’ll be more cooperative.

normally, i reserve political-type posts for my other blog, but i have decided to make an exception in this case. recently, a friend commented on my favorite quote from albert einstein:

you cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.

i began writing an email response to him, but part way through decided it is appropriate to share that response with everyone. below is his comments, followed by my response. its an important issue and maybe this post can spark a conversation with others, so here it is….

i am not a conversationalist. or at least i’ve never thought of myself as one. when speaking on certain topics, or to people with whom i’m comfortable, i admittedly do well. i’ve even recently been praised for my conversational abilities by family whom i don’t really know and haven’t seen or spoken to in more than a decade.

still, i’ve never thought of myself as a ‘talker.’ i’m more inclined to listen to conversation than participate in it, usually because i don’t think i have anything compelling to contribute. put another way, i’ll speak when i have something to say, but not really otherwise. in this way, i think i take after my father, which on some level fills me with a sense of pride. on another level, however, my aversion to make ‘small talk,’ or rather my unwillingness to speak if i don’t think its important can be seen, in a certain light, as a hinderance.

…i tried several iterations of language here in an attempt to avoid sharing certain details, but omitting said details leaves the post incomplete and maybe a bit muddled. sigh….

this has always been one of my least favorite holidays, though the reason has evolved over the years.

for the vast majority of my adult and adolescent life, i’ve been single and always such on valentine’s day. it used to be i was jealous of all the lovey-dovey couples wandering around in some sort of annoying delirium. nothing short of sitting in my room, alone, with no television or internet would keep from me the constant reminders of my seeming perpetual bachelorhood.

valentine’s day used to make me so angry. while i was generally a mood person in college anyway, valentine’s day just magnified my anger and depression. i wasn’t really any fun to be around. i used to think i wouldn’t be happy unless i found someone to be with and this holiday served as an irritating reminder that not only was i still single, but that there were no prospects of a remedy.

don’t ask me why or from where i got such a seemingly odd notion of happiness, but there it is….