there are times when i long for the days when no one was reading this….

here’s the very first post sent from my awesome iPhone via the wordpress app! woohoo!!!!

it’s been a strange day, one that’s left me stuttering. admittedly, it started out ok, normal. by the afternoon, though, i was handed a surprise via a phone call. a friend of mine, whom i hadn’t talked to in a little while told me she’s pregnant. no, it’s not mine (bad joke?). honestly, for the first few minutes, i thought she was joking. with a blunt tone and straight face (i’m sure) she said it, ‘i’m pregnent.’ she assured me she’s fine. she’s keeping the baby and seems happy about it. i guess this sort of thing isn’t something you ever expect to hear coming through the cosmos to your phone.

i reserve judgment.

even more unsettling is the most recent blog post by a new friend of mine. i’m hesitant to recount it here, seeing as how all i know is what she’s written. we haven’t talked about it and i’m not sure she’s the type of person who ‘talks.’ this is fine, really. i know the type. i used to be the same way. over the years i’ve only talked out my problems with close friends who’ve earned my trust over years of friendship. nowadays, i’m more willing to talk about my problems, issues. i’ve come to terms with them (for the most part) and while i still find those topics uncomfortable, i do so only because i’m never sure how the other will react. i know myself and my issues.

i never liked being pushed to ‘talk’ and so don’t do so in this case.

years ago i lost a very good, close friend because i insisted she let me help her. i naively and arrogantly believed i could help. i thought my own issues would allow me to help her with hers. i drove her off and learned my lesson.

this is a different situation, there’s no doubt, however and i won’t begin to presume i understand. how could i? all i can do is offer. offer to listen. offer to be a sounding board. i am good at that….

let me say this, though. emotions are important. they’re what separate us from the animals, right? well, who knows, really? what i do know is that for better or worse, we are emotional creatures. emotions cloud our judgment. they make us act contrary to our biology. they can incapacitate us and they can set us free….

truly, i’m stuck. i struggle to find what should come next, but without a clear understanding, i’m hesitant to pick the wrong words, so what i’m left with are words making up platitudes that i doubt my friend will find useful. such phrases that have helped me gain a better grip on life will, i’m afraid, mean little to her at this point.

i’ll end with this; i am available to help, to listen, regardless of the time of day. just be aware of that.

i’ve been thinking about this for a few days now and even though this is probably going to take me some time to put together, i wanted to start putting something down on paper. i wanted to start putting my thoughts together.

over the years, i’ve had more than my fair share, i’d say, of emotional issues. i’ve seen two separate shrinks, had virtually no self-esteem until my adult years, contemplated suicide in high school, nearly dropped out of college, been laid up in bed by depression for days at a time, and prescribed anti-depressants.

these problems were both the reason for and cause of my inability to relate to, or interact with, women romantically. in my life, i’ve only been on one or two official dates and haven’t been in more that a sparse few, brief, relationships. for years i wondered why i was so miserable, why i disliked myself so much, why i was so awkward and shy, and why i was so bad with the opposite sex.