so, as it turns out, there are a number of you who visit here regularly to see what self-searching, pining, emotionally driven craziness i’ll write next.  well, you should enjoy this….

as you are probably already aware, i’ve been quietly, stealthily in pursuit of a particular girl who hasn’t yet given me much indication that i’m making any noteworthy progress.  this is, needless to say, at times frustrating, however i’m determined to keep at it.  often, after any particular encounter with her, i return, if only temporarily, to a place that i used to frequent during my more troubled and turbulent days.  after all the progress that i’ve made, after becoming largely someone else, i still have a few nasty habits, one of which is questioning my worth.

‘what the hell is wrong with me,’ i still ask myself, ‘why isn’t she interested in me?’  in the last two or three years, when this line of questioning would arise in my brain, i’d quickly move away, knowing it to be a particularly useless, not to mention dangerous, train of thought, without little or any thought.  it’s almost like a reflex for me now, i start to ask those kinds of questions and my brain instantly moves me away.  but the other day, i dwelled on the question for just a moment longer than normal and realized the underlying cause for such questions; not all my self-doubt has completely abated.

while this revelation didn’t come with too much shock, i will admit to being a bit startled by the notion.  it is the first time in months, probably longer, since i’ve had any such negative thought.  i quickly adjusted, telling myself there isn’t anything wrong with me.  just like there are girls who have been interested in me and for whom i’ve had no interest, so it is with me.  of course there are going to be girls in whom i’m interested that just don’t see me in a similar light.  that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.  if anything, i can only chalk it up to bad timing, or bad luck.  the farthest i can go is to say that i’m simply attracted to the kinds of girls that aren’t necessarily attracted to guys like me.

there is, however, nothing wrong with me.  quite the contrary, in fact, is true.  i have little doubt that i’d do very well as  a boyfriend.  granted, i haven’t been in that many relationships myself (i can count them all on one hand), but i’ve seen the mistakes and successes of my friends and others around me.  i can learn from them, even if i haven’t myself had the experience.  certainly, there are areas in which the experience of others does me no good (i won’t say specifically, but you’re keen to guess), however, i’d like to believe that when the right girl comes along, it won’t matter.

so, on the one hand, i’ve come a long way in my search for self-esteem; i know how great i am (it still sounds odd to say and a bit pompous).  still, it was a surprise to realize i still have the automatic instinct to return to that place of self-doubt, even if it is for just a moment.  clearly, i still have work to do and can’t help but wonder if i will ever manage to break myself of this unsettling habit.

…. oh, and of course, here’s hoping for future success with the girl.

looking forward, a number of my good friends here will be departing to pursue their lives in other parts of the world. this time next year, nearly all my friends will have left hawaii and that reality is cause for me to pause and look at my life here.

because i never thought i would stay in hawaii for any extended period of time, the thought never occurred to me that i would make good friends here and then watch them leave before me. it’s a strange concept reality that i’ve accepted, but at the same time, haven’t quite yet internalized.

the exodus has officially begun with one of my good kwi friends, who returned to kiwi land last week. i find some irony in her departure, as it was exactly one year ago that we met. a number of us were celebrating the birthday of a mutual friend and she and her wife joined us for part of the evening. almost immediately, her and i hit it off and we’ve been buds ever since and while she has returned home for lack of a visa, i’m glad her wife is here for a few more months.

in the next several months, many more will be leaving, while i stay behind to pursue my life in hawaii.

on the one hand, with all it’s splendor, living in hawaii doesn’t come without complications: cost of living is high, it’s virtually impossible to own a decent home. then there is, of course, the distance. i have family and friends who are, increasingly, scattered across the globe. a sister and her family in london, friends in chicago, new york, ohio, kansas city, and now even new zealand. more family in san diego, arizona, and st. paul. traveling to see any of them takes considerable expense and time. the jewish population is nominal at best with few options for worship or dating. and beyond the jewish realm, my dating prospects don’t look much better.

on the other hand, there isn’t another place that i’ve been or can think of to where i would want to relocate and despite these difficulties, i’ve told myself that i would never again choose city of residence based solely on the quality of the dating scene and so refuse to relocate simply because i more likely to meet ‘a nice jewish girl’ somewhere else. sure, i struggle to see family and friends on a regular basis, but hope that will improve as i get older and collect a bigger paycheck. hawaii is wonderful for so many reasons and i’ve really come to love it here and think of it as home. i can’t (yet) imagine leaving.

what’s more, career choices, i feel, are limited. however, i have begun to make a place for myself in the realm of hawaii politics and hope, in looking toward the future, to somehow make that place one where i can be both happy and successful.

while i’ll say i’ve never believed in the notion of destiny or divine providence, there is a part of me that truly feels the path and trials of my life have brought me here for a reason. if that is indeed the case, i haven’t yet figured out that the reason might be. i am so thankful for the time i’ve spent here, the people i’ve met, and the friends that i’ve made as a result. i’m happy and i look forward to traveling this path and seeing where it takes me. i don’t think i’ll be leaving hawaii any time soon.

we’ll miss you….

that’s right, i’ve been in hawaii a little over five years, or:

5 years, 21 days
1847 days
44,328 hours
2,659,680 minutes
159,580,800 seconds

(yes, i’m a geek) this is of course assuming that my memory is correct in my arrival date of october 5, 2002. it’s been a long and interesting five years, full of changes, surprises, and revelations. a brief recap….

as i’ve said on more than one occasion, when i arrived in honolulu, it was with the intention and understanding that i had come for a temporary visit. after a year, or so, in the company of my best friend in the beautiful island state, spending some time in therapy “getting happy,” i would return to the mainland to pursue my life. as the first year approached its conclusion, i had just found a shrink, was still home sick, but wasn’t ready to leave as i hadn’t yet achieved my goal. i would tell people, “i’ll probably go next year.”

over the next two years, i began to find my stride, my own set of friends, went through a couple of jobs, made great strides in therapy (even tried medication), but still wasn’t ready to leave. “i’ll probably go sometime in the next year.”

therapy did great things for me, so much so that there’s not much about the old me that still remains. of course, this is exactly what i wanted, however the change did not come without casualties; i’ve lost (drove away?) two of my closest and oldest friends. the first is my roommate and best friend since high school. during my most vulnerable years, he helped me stay on a relatively even keel and cope with a life that i despised. as my therapy progressed, my personality shifted and as a consequence i started to drift away from that friendship. it’s something i will always lament, however one of the most important things i’ve learned is not to regret change because it’s inevitable. we still talk and are still friends, i think, and still live together, however the closeness we once shared is gone, perhaps forever.

the loss of that friendship was the first sign, in my opinion, that i was on a clear course away from the person i once was, a person that i hated. while there were still issues that remained largely unresolved, after over two years of therapy, my doctor and i agreed that i had come as far as therapy could take me. it was a huge victory for me and while i cannot remember the exact day, i can look back and say it was a huge turning point and perhaps one of the happiest days of my life. it had changed me for the better and allowed me to get over a relationship that had broken me. i’m every day thankful for that, even though i will think of the girl from time to time and miss her.

i still had another close, good friend, which helped while the first friendship started to turn south. it made it all less distressing. then of course, that second friendship hit the wall, frustratingly, while she was in honolulu visiting. without getting into the details, from where i stood, she did something she shouldn’t have, something she should have known better than to do. what i think made the whole thing irreparable was the fact that she felt bad about doing it… just not quite bad enough to stop. as a result of all that, we now barely talk at all. to be honest, i can’t say as i have much feeling about it at all at this point. does that make me an ass? maybe.

a few months before my therapy came to an end, i began a new path that would become a life passion. i joined the progressive democrats of hawaii, a liberal political organization that has provided me with a vehicle to become a mover and shaker, as it were, in hawaii politics. the success of that organization has become one of the significant driving forces in my professional life, though my activity in politics has expanded far beyond the limits of pdh. with the conclusion of my therapy and the discovery of a life long passion, i began to feel my life finally come together and i less and less thought about my eventual return to the mainland; hawaii started to feel like home to me, though i hadn’t yet committed to staying, i simply didn’t think about when i would leave. “at some point, but who knows when,” i started to tell people.

at the end of may 2006, i attended my first democratic state convention. i had only been involved in the political scene here for roughly five months, but things were already going so well, i was not only a delegate to the convention, but also the time keeper, sitting on the dais, helping keeping the speakers on track. there are still people who recognize me for that role. it was a great experience and i look forward to expanding on it at the 2008 convention as a delegate and the chair for registration and credentials.

i also worked on the reelection campaign for us senator daniel akaka. i attribute my success to this point, at least in part, to my participation in that campaign and the people i met, the connections i made, and the things i learned along the way. the senator won his reelection bid with moderate competition and i’m glad to say i had some part in that, however small.

i still have a lot to learn and a long way to go to get where i want to be, but i’m doing it and enjoying it in the meantime. i have no doubt that i will always be a political activist in some capacity.

now, looking just over my shoulder at my receding five-year anniversary the reality of my life begins to take shape. while the past five years have not transpired at all like i envisioned they would, i am content with my life and am glad to be where i am….

…has temporarily shifted.