i don’t even know what to say or where to start. to be honest, i’m thinking about things i shouldn’t be bothering with and my brain is storming scenarios that most likely surpass ridiculous…. my brain has a mind of it’s own, so to speak and over the years i’ve learned that really all i can do is ride it out and eventually the storms and insanity pass.
still, recent conversations have changed my outlook a bit. in previous posts, i’ve concluded that parts of my life are outside of my control. i am on a path which i have little control over. these conversations have made me reevaluate those conclusions. i can’t deny the fact that i am in the situation i’m in because of the choices i’ve made. it has become clear to me that hawaii is not a good place for me to find a girl or a worth while relationship.
but how is that anyone else’s fault but my own? i could have left any time i wanted, but have stayed. and i don’t regret the decision. i’ve spent so many years looking for nothing more than a girl and a relationship. for the first time in my life i’m actually doing something for myself, something that doesn’t revolve around me trying to find a girlfriend. i like it here. this is the first place i’ve lived where i feel like i’ve got a good thing and a life that i like and am proud of.
having said all that, there is still a part of me that does want to be in a real, serious relationship (it would quite possibly the first one) and hawaii isn’t the place i’m going to do that. could it be time for me to leave? have i done everything here i wanted? to be honest, i’m not sure. what’s more, right now i don’t have any clear, definitive reason to leave. what’s more, i’ve recently applied to graduate school here.
for better or worse, i don’t believe my time in hawaii is finished. despite the fact that this place grows on me a bit more everyday, i feel i still have things to do here before it will be time for me to leave. granted, i don’t know what those things are and i’m not sure how long it will take for me to accomplish them, but i just don’t feel like i’m done here. i still have work to do.
i don’t think i’ve made any really bad choices recently and as such feel my gut has been guiding me in the right direction. for now, anything that happens will have to happen with me in hawaii. i do, however, foresee a trip to ohio in the near future, and who knows what that will bring. hell, at the very least, i’ll get to meet hal’s girl (the first of his, i might add, that i’m really excited to meet).
right now i like my life and whatever complaints i might have are minor. right now all i can do is continue to do what i’ve been and simply hope that it all works out (which i’m not really worried about). in the meantime, in light of recent conversations and revelations, i feel like i can at the very least see what happens from here.
(sorry if this particular post seems vague. it is partially intentional, to avoid complications, but is also the result of me being a little drunk. g’night)
