i’ve been meaning to write this for a little while now….

you may or may not know it, but i’m the co-chair of the democratic party of hawaii convention registration and credentials committee for this year’s state convention over memorial day weekend.  the job has meant tons of work for me, weekly meetings, and a sparse social life.  i have a great group of people who’ve been helping me lighten my workload and for that i’m greatful; i couldn’t have done any of this on my own.

i met with my group a little over a week ago to dole out a stack of work after spending nearly two weeks fixing an error i made in our database.  my error was actually a minor one, but one that took lots of time and work to fix (ok, maybe not so minor) and caused us to fall a bit behind.  feeling stupid about it, i made a comment (i don’t recall it specifically now), basically calling myself stupid.  after our meeting, a friend of mine who’s been helping and i went to a movie.

as soon as we were out of earshot of everyone else, she scolded me just a bit, telling me i was never again to call myself stupid (or whatever it was i said) in front of those people.  actually, she had to remind me of my comment, because i had said it in passing, out of jest, and hadn’t thought much of it.  she said the people in my group had a lot of respect for me and (this is a bit hard to say) even looked up to me as the head of the committee and that i shouldn’t put myself down like that in front of them.

at the time, i shrugged of her comment, but it came back to me later and has been basting in my brain ever since.  when i said it, i honestly didn’t think anything of it.  i meant it as a joke and didn’t linger on the point.  nonetheless, it’s gotten me thinking about my current state of mind and self-esteem.

i will say, without a doubt, i’m more confident these days than i’ve ever been and don’t think of myself as stupid, like i once did.  when i did, however, the way i coped was to joke, to poke fun at myself.  i did it for years thinking, i guess, that if i beat people to the punchline and made fun of myself, they’d be laughing with me and not at me; self-deprecating humor was a core trait of mine for years.

it hadn’t really occurred to me previously, but maybe this part of my personality lingers just a bit.  does this mean, i have work still to do, or is it just a product of years of my trouble existence?  honestly, i’m not sure.  i used to say i didn’t want to change (which meant get better) because it would mean losing my dry, sharp sense of humor.  while i don’t think that happened, my friend’s observation and comment has called for this moment’s pause….

i haven’t really come to any conclusions here.  i’m not sure a conclusion is necessary.  while i appreciate my friend’s advice, i’m not sure i won’t make such  humorous jabs at myself in the future.  hell, if nothing else, we all make stupid mistakes and i’d rather point them out myself, maybe having a bit of a laugh in the process,  than have someone call me stupid with a straight face.  i mean, isn’t important that we own up to our mistakes, as long as we don’t duplicate them?