it’s funny how people change over the course of their lives. what’s even funnier is when dramatic life changes take place in a person over the course of just a couple of years. what’s stranger still is how a person will say they refuse to change this or that about themselves. and then there’s the clincher: refusing to change, but changing nonetheless.

i’d have to admit to falling into both of those last two categories. what’s ironic, i think, is that i moved out here with the goal of changing myself and my attitude and my lifestyle and my way of looking at the world. with that grandiose goal in mind, i’ve actively and consciously been resistant to nearly any change whatsoever. now, why is that?

i mean, i’ve never liked change in my life. i’m resistant to change of any kind, large or small and i’m slow to adapt to any change that does occur. i say i want to change. i say i’m going to change, but then do nothing to bring about that change. my will sees to be opposed to itself, if you can believe that.

maybe that’s not right. maybe it’s not my will fighting with itself. maybe its something more direct, simpler than that. my will is fighting against inertia. it’s fighting against a lifetime of habits. so, am i expecting too much of myself to make quick and dramatic changes?

i don’t know. on the one hand, an overnight change is difficult, if not impossible to achieve. change comes slowly, in small steps, and with hard work. my doctor says habits take at least ten weeks to form. that’s two and a half months. there’s nothing quick about that. of course, on the other hand, i’ve been here for nearly two years: nearly 24 months, enough time to have formed all sorts of new habits.
for someone like myself, who has been in such a dark place for so long, maybe change is more difficult. i mean, no one likes being miserable, but at the same time, if you’ve spent years and years being miserable, it’s hard to imagine your life could be anything other than what it is. misery is, as corny and pathetic as it might sound, something you get used to after a while. you get used to having it around and even if change can bring something other than misery, you can still have a hard time breaking the misery habit. of course, i can only speak for myself here.

but changes in me, my life, and my philosophy are starting to show. it’s strange, but it’s just been in the last month, or so, that i’ve felt that i can work on those changes and on others. somehow, now i’ve got the energy to do it. i’ve broken out of my rut and as good as it might feel, i’m going to have to work hard to keep from getting stuck in it again.

wish me luck.