November 23, 1992
I’m in Boy Scouts and I can’t stand Lloyd, Chris, or John. Today I had a very, very bad day. This is the 13th day that I’ve realized, at school, I’m never going to amount to anything in the social world and that I will be a bachelor all my life and that Tara Purvis (8th grade yearbook) will be the only girlfriend that I will ever have. Today I decided that I think I’m in love with Julie Barncord (9th grade yearbook). She’s pretty. OK, she’s very pretty, and from what I’ve heard, she is nice, funny, interesting, and smart. But of course, there is the “popularity barrier,” that says to me “she’s too popular for me, forget it.” So I spend the rest of my life depressed. Over the years I’ve collected five life-times of depression. Note: I hate my life. I hate me. I hate the world. I hate G-d. I wish I were dead right now!
December 16, 1992
It’s been almost a week since I last wrote to you, but I had good reasons. Well, one good reason; the last few months have been ok. But Monday I discovered something scary, even more than that, suicidally depressing. My brother is more popular in 6th grade than I am in 9th grade. Also, some girl likes him. No one ever like me until the 8th grade and that didn’t last very long. So since Monday he’s been on the phone with a girl more than I have in the last year, or so. I have seriously considered suicide, but decided that I couldn’t kill myself fast enough and couldn’t stand the pain of a slow suicide, or the fact that I could recover and then my life would be even more miserable that it is now. I also thought about going to the school counselor, but Tuesday I felt better when I got to school and decided not to. Now I find myself depressed and want to see a counselor again, but I know that come tomorrow I will more than likely be over it and the cycle will continue until I do something about it. I wish I were dead right now!
December 24, 1992
I’m in Minnesota and I can’t help but feel nervous and not belonging. Jeff belongs. He fits in. He’s part of the family here. I’m just someone who’s here, just here. Jeff is the obvious favorite, the one who belongs here with them… with dad. I’m quiet and different. They say what’s on their minds. I can only do that with Ben and even when I’m with him I tend to feel low, a nonessential part in his life. He has no idea that he is one of the two friends I have. He’s much more popular than me, even though he won’t admit it.
Jeff, G-d I hate him. If I don’t kill myself, he’ll be the one I kill. I finally know that he’s the one; he’s the one that will make something of himself. He’ll have a wife and kinds and a good job and lots of friends and got to lots of parties.
January 25, 1993
Happy New Year. Not! So far this New Year has been just as depressing as the last one.
This is going to be short, with the usual stuff. I hate myself, I wish I were dead. I’m starting to wonder if it could get better. My life, I mean, with lots of help, of course.
I think I might ask mom if I can go to a psychologist.
August 15, 1993
I “met” Lori during the school year. I thought she wanted to be my friend, sincerely. For a while I actually thought she was, but I wonder if it was just a scheme. She’s pushing me away, just like she’s done to Shawn. She says she’s busy and that’s why she never calls. I’ve been home a week and I’ve only talked to her twice. I ask myself if she’s my friend why she won’t make an effort. She says, “Ok, tomorrow I’m busy.”
“What about the next day?”
“I’m busy the rest of the week with my friends.”
I say to myself: I’m a friend, aren’t I? Nevertheless, you won’t make plans to see me? I… give… up…. Let her make some effort. Let’s see how long it takes. Or if she’ll call at all!
October 26, 1993
Pessimism is knocking at my door. My optimism is keeping it at bay, but I’m not sure for how much longer. I’m losing. So I will just lock the door and ignore the pessimistic thought. Soon, optimism will regain my mind again.
Tamara Katz is a character from a dreamy, depressing past. She reminds me of a time when I was shy, self-dependant, and depressed. I was embarrassed by my self and the way looked. This girl, who was completely different than I, saw who I really was, I guess, and said that she “liked” me and wanted to dance with me. Now whether she was just pulling a prank or not, I don’t know, but it made me feel good inside.
Now, while I’m here in Confirmation class, she is here as well and I can’t help but think if she remembers me or anything of that retreat evening. Also, I can’t help but reflect on how I’ve changed, how We’ve changed and where I would now be if I had danced with her, Tamara Katz.
November 16, 1993
Last night the final bonds were broken between Lori and me. Things weren’t going well in our friendship, so finally I wrote a really nasty note and surprisingly she wrote me back with a note equally nasty. To sum it up we both got pissed and that was the end of it. Surprisingly, though, I miss her. Just knowing that we were sort of friends was, for some strange reasons, comforting, a relief, and now it’s all over. It’s all over. I will never forget the year of 1992.
December 13, 1993
I can’t believe this has happened. My life is getting depressing and inflexible. As I sit here in Geometry, well I can’t very well write in detail what I am feeling and thinking, because she’s sitting right here next to me. So if I remember, I will write in detail what has happened later. What should I do? Does she even know what I did or that it was me? Well, later. She is so pretty. I’m so stuck! Well, anyway, I wrote a note to Julie Barncord with a flower. I thought it was kinda nice, but I don’t know what she thought of it. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be. Well anyway, I think she might have figured it out. And now she sits next to me in Geometry. Now I can’t even look at her without worrying.
January 6, 1994
Happy New Year! A new year with new hopes, new experiences, and new friends.
I have thought much about the way nature works. What I have concluded maybe very similar or even exactly what a new science, Chaos Theory, says about it. Everything makes a distortion in nature. Some things make bigger distortions than others. The smallest little action, thought, feeling, and decision, affects the course of our future.
Ex: (this example will be greatly simplified, but it will hopefully make my point) If I decided to stop writing right nowâ€¦ then I might pay attention to Mr. Dennis. If I pay attention, then I might do well on the test. If I do well on the test I might get into a good college. If I get into a good college.
I hope that example made sense.
January 8, 1994
Julie Barncord is a wonderful person. Now, mind you, I’ve never talked to her before, not even just to say “hello.” She is not even drop dead gorgeous, but she is pretty. Most of all, she has a warm smile and a laugh that I could listen to all day. And someone with all those physical traits can’t have a gruesome personality. It’s probably just as warm as her beautiful smile. I’ve already sent her a rose, but now I want to dedicate a song to her at lunch. I kind of think that would be overdoing it just a bit. Should I? I just don’t know what to do.
January 11, 1994
This is something I haven’t been able to stop thinking about for almost a week. What am I going to do? This infatuation began about a year ago, but it wasn’t until Homecoming that I decided to send her an anonymous rose. I can’t help but wonder if she knows, if she knows who sent her that rose, if she knows it was me.
January 20, 1994
Shawn thinks I should talk to her. And I kind of think I should too, but what do I say to her? “Hi. I’m the guy who sent you that anonymous rose. I think you’re pretty.” Nah! That wouldn’t go well. Oh well, keep thinking Josh.
February 27, 1994
Last night I had quite a few answers to my life revealed to me in a dream. Now, thanks to my subconscious, I know vaguely what love is and what it feels like when someone is in love. It’s an amazing feeling of warmth and happiness. You never want that person whom you love to be away from you and feel empty without them.
The dream that I experienced last night was like no other dream that I’ve ever had before. It was stronger and left an everlasting impact on my life. Never again will I question if I love, or not. When I love, I will know and until I find that love I will never be complete again.
Remember who it is!
It’s amazing how vivid the feeling still is nearly seven hours after I awoke from it. I will never be complete again.
P.S. Never give up hope. YouÂ will find her. YouÂ will be complete again.
March 29, 1994
Well, hello again. As I’ve been reading through this little book of mine, I can’t help but see a pattern. First Lori, then Tamara Katz, then Lori again, then Julie Barncord. Am I really that fickle that I can be that easily swayed in one direction or another? Or are they mere infatuations that I’ve had? Lori, though, was more than just an infatuation. We became good friends and then I left and things were different when I returned. To this day, I still haven’t gotten over it and I don’t dare try a thing like that with Julie. Well anyway, Shawn has a girlfriend and that certainly doesn’t help matters. I go through phases of hopelessness and as Shawn gets closer to Shannon, they become longer and longer. Is there anyone out there for me?
March 31, 1994
I have decided to send or give her a note. There is nothing else I can do. It worked fine the first time, but I have decided that it would be better any acknowledgement at any price than what there is now. It wracks my brain, constantly thinking about her. It’s probably just an infatuation and there will be a different one next year. Everything about her is beautiful. Not a super model beauty, but a perfect, wholesome beauty that is burned into my skull.
October 27, 1994
What makes us do what we do? What makes us think what we think? Past experiences, past thoughts. Humanity lives in the past. And so do I. Everything I do, say, think, like, dislike, etc., has something to do with the past. The past I carry is painful, yet I carry it with me in my thoughts everyday. Why? I think it is because it is real to me, not a dream, like other parts of my past. What compels me to open old wounds? The mind is a mystery. Mine more than most.
October 29, 1994
What is so compelling about this little book of mine? Why does Gail insist on reading its words? She already read some of it and it meant nothing to her. Nothing. I don’t think she understands what this book means to me. A good chunk of my life is in here. I won’t, though, let her read it. She didn’t even respond. She knows that she is the only one that has ever read it. She’ll never read it again. Never again. I poured my heart out to her and she said nothing.
Also, it’s almost completely over with Lori Newton. I wrote her a note Monday and she didn’t write me back. I asked for an explanation. I’ve heard that she doesn’t want to give me one. I fear we’ll never be like we were in 9th grade.
November 11, 1994
What makes us feel like we do? If you were to ask someone walking on the street, they’d probably say your heart. Buy why do people say that? The heard is just an organ that pumps blood to all the large and small parts of the body. Well, in truth it’s probably the brain. The brain allows us to think. Why not feel? The brain is the only organ that we don’t completely understand. That’s where feelings come from, not a completely understood, miraculous part of the body. So why is it that if you get “hurt” by someone, “your heart breaks?” Maybe because in a small way we feel with our whole body. Maybe that’s why we feel so bad when we get hurt.
January 24, 1995
On January 23, 1995, I was put-up as a beau candidate for Kinneret. I remember my heart falling to my stomach that morning when I figured out what was happening. It wasn’t a sick, unpleasant feeling. It was that feeling you get when you’re nervous and excited for something, like butterflies in your stomach. That’s how I felt and that’s how I’ve felt for the last three days.
Even if I don’t win (which is very likely) it won’t matter to me. What’s important is that you gave me the chance to get to know all of you. And after this experience is over, it really won’t be. We’ll still be friends and that’s what matters to me. You made me feel important, even if it was for that short period of time and I can’t thank you enough for that.
Written with undying love for Hatikvah AZA #1126 and Kinneret BBG #1422, Pink Floyd, life, and close friends.
August 8, 1995
Some people say there is no such thing as true love. Well, I say their wrong. There is a one special person in the world that each of us is to love in a special way. A way that we can only love that one person. We my never find that one person. We may have already found them. We may have lost them.
You see, where as that one man or woman is your true love, you may not be theirs. This doesn’t occur very often, but it does occur. How do you know if it is or isn’t? It’s impossible to say. Sometimes it’s love at first sight, like in the movies. Other times you may know them for year, then one day, boom. It clicks, something inside you, something that had been hiding. You realize what you feel and will want to spend as much time with them as humanly possible. You will do anything for them. You will always love them.
October 28, 1995
Our memories are all that we really have of the past. There are certain events in everyone’s like that can’t be proved to have happened, certain conversations, for instance. Sometimes I wonder about certain things in my life. I wonder about Amy Michelle Ravis, whom I “dated” for about one or two months. It is hard to comprehend the fact that in six months I will have graduated from high school. I will be going off to college. Some of my friends I will see again. Some I won’t. This page is dedicated to all of those whom I will never see again.
October 30, 1995
I have always been a shy, meek boy with few friends. When I was young, I had quite a bit of trouble making friends. Those I did have were few in number. I used to think that I had to know and be friends with many people, or they might think I was strange. Being thought of as strange is one of the few things that a sixth grader doesn’t want. I honestly don’t know what they thought of me. Frankly, I don’t care.
Since then I have had several experiences and encountered many situations, some genuine, some not. I have learned… no, more come to understand, through my experiences, that it isn’t who you know, or how you act, but what you have inside that counts. There are those I know that haven’t come to that point of understanding yet. They still judge others on what they look like, how they act, and who their friends are. I feel sorry for them, but in a way, know where they’re coming from. I used to think like they do.
I wonder how I ever could have been like that. Sometimes it scares me to think that there are people, adults, who still think that way. They haven’t learned that people are people, and we’re all different. Those are the dangerous ones: the Ku Klux Klan, the skinheads, the Neo Nazis. How can they think that way?
I have grown up and understand things better now. No two people are the same, and appearances mean nothing, well almost nothing. In high school, I have come to realize that some of those people who wear nice clothes and drive nice cars are the same people that haven’t learned yet. Those that don’t care so much about their outward appearances then to be the people that care more about others.
I have more friends now, and am more outspoken. Others’ opinion of me is less important than my own. I am outgoing and like to make people laugh. Also, I enjoy it, sometimes, when people look at me and wonder. I have grown and changed for the better and still continue to learn about the world and about people.
January 12, 1996
Why is it that I can’t seem to keep my head straight? One day, I’m ok and don’t think about Amy, not too much anyway. The next I could be thinking of nothing but her. One the one hand, it would do me a lot of personal good to get over her. I’m sure I would be a happier person. Besides, then Shawn would stop pestering me about it very time I get depressed. On the other hand, though, why should I have to get over her? I think, no, I know that I was in love. Amy is the best thing that’s happened to me in my life thus far. When things went sour between us, I was mad, then just sad. So why, if I think it was a good thing, should I force myself to get over it? If I do, it will happen all by itself. And if I don’t every get over her, maybe it means I’m crazy. Maybe, it just means that I really do, truly love her. I will even go so far as to say that we were meant for each other.
Food for thought.
February 25, 1996
The dance is over and it was a big success. It was a great relief that I have one less thing to think about, or to worry about. This dance was for Gail and I’m glad that I could do it for her. It was, however, a little for me as well. This will be one of my only lasting marks on Hatikvah. I planned the 37th Annual Sweetheart Dance. That is why I am just a little sad that it’s over. It means that my time in BBYO is quickly coming to an end. I will still be here in a year and I will still keep in contact with all the boys of Hatikvah, but I won’t be a real part of it. That is where the sadness lies. It is going to be really strange not having Gail at meetings. I also said that about Amy, though. So, I guess I will adjust. Lainie will be a great sweetheart and I am happy for her. Her dream of so many hears has finally come true. I am glad that I could help that dream come true. She is a good person and a good friend.
February 25, 1996
Depression is a sick, empty feeling that is hard to fill. It is so hard to fill because it is so hard to define what is missing, or what should fill that empty space. The thing about it is that it can’t be filled by any kind of reasoning or logic or acceptance. In time everything else that is in your soul will seep in and fill in the hole. Like a flood, everything will be washed away and the hole will fill in and vanish. In time, however, another hole will appear and the cycle will begin again.
Responsibility is a funny thing to get a grasp of. Everyone is responsible in one form or another. Take me, for example. I’m responsible when it comes to things that are really truly important to me. Hatikvah and the Sweetheart Dance this past week. I wanted it to be so perfect. I wanted everything to be just right for Gail; that was important to me. Math, on the other hand, is a completely different matter. I hate it, so I don’t do it. Now I’m failing. School in general, is not all that important to me, even though I know it is detrimental to my future. For one reason, or another, I just can’t seem to stay on task when I’m working on it. I continue to try everyday to be “more responsible” and work on things that I don’t particularly like with the same fire as those things that I love to do. One day I hope to be successful in my endeavor. Wish me luck.
Friends are the most important things to me. When I make one, it is a great thing and I try my damndest to keep them. I try to spend a lot of time with them and get to know them better. When I lose one, or when I grow apart from one, it is terrible. Lori Newton is a good example of this. When we became friends, it was under queer circumstances. Anyway, when we became friends it was a great thing. We would talk for hours every night and would have the greatest, pointless conversations. We had so much fun when we talked. We actually went out once and that was the day before I left for two months in Minnesota for the summer. That day was one of the greatest in my life. I remember it so clearly, just as if it happened yesterday.
When I returned at the end of the summer, things had changed completely. She wouldn’t call, or return my calls. We started to drift apart. Now, three years later, we don’t even talk to each other, not even a “hi” when we pass in the halls. I regret what has happened. We are two different people now and it would be hard to start over, even if we wanted to. It is really quite sad and I will always regret what happened to us and our friendship.
Now, I think it is happening all over again, with Lainie. Four months ago we were nearly best friends, or so it seemed to me. Now all that seems to be changing right before my eyes. It is all getting taken away from me. Josh Applebaum and Lainie are getting closer and closer as the days go by. Her and I, on the other hand are growing farther and farther apart. I used to think that what bothered me about it was the fact that it wasn’t me that she was getting closer to in the way that she is with Applebaum. Now, when it is nearly too late to set things in the right direction again, I see this and want to fix it.
It almost seems to me that she doesn’t want to fix things. I’ve screwed things up again. It has been just a few weeks and I already miss her and our friendship. Tonight she left for two weeks to go on the March of the Living. She barely said goodbye to me, but spent several minutes with Applebaum. I wonder if I am still a friend to her, or if I am merely an acquaintance, that she can and will talk to if it is necessary. What does the future hold for us, for our friendship? It has only been four hours since I said goodbye, and I already miss her. The next two weeks are going to be hell for me. Tomorrow, maybe I will ask Applebaum to level with me. I miss her so much. It just isn’t fair. Why can’t I keep a good thing going? Why do I always have to screw it up for me, and loose a friendship in the process?
There was a time, not too long ago when I wondered whether Amy and I would ever be on good terms again. We didn’t talk all that much, and when we did, it was very shallow and forced. It seemed that I had forgotten what it was that made me love her. Even when she was here, in town, I vary rarely saw her, because we had different lives, which, on occasion, crossed. I tried to get her to adjust her life to mine. It never even crossed my mind to adjust my life to her. That was one of my biggest mistakes.
Now, after over a year, she and I are back on the right track to mending our friendship.Â I hope, with all my heart, that over the next year that our friendship grows to the extreme limits.Â I am glad that things between us are growing steadily better.Â Besides Shawn, there is no one I would share my feelings with.Â Sometimes I canâ€™t even tell him things that I can tell her.Â Talking to her is the most natural thing for me.Â I can tell her anything that is on my mind.Â Of all the friendships to lose, hers would be the most painful.Â For example, take a look at the last year.
Sometimes when we talk, she tells me about some of the things (not always the good ones) that are going on in her life. She worries that I don’t want to hear about it, or that she’s being a nuisance, or that she’s just annoying me. No matter what it is I will always be here to talk to. She is one of the most important people to me. I’ve come to terms with things and have accepted our friendship. I still do care about her.
November 6, 1996
Finally, the work is finished. I have compiled all that I have written to this point in my life into this, my Chronicles. From this point on, I hope to make frequent inscriptions in it. I haven’t written in my daily thoughts, trials and tribulations for a while, so I’m going to start again today.
So much has happened…. Everyone is at college now and I am all alone here in Overland Park. Sure I have some friends that live close, like Lawrence, but it just isn’t the same. Of course it isn’t the same. Shawn is in Ohio. Gail and Daniel are in Iowa. Danny is in Wisconsin. And everyone is just scattered all over the country. We are all growing up, even though some of us never thought we would. This is a little late, considering it is November, but I just want to wish every one of you the best of luck. Keep in touch and never forget that we are all friends. We will always be friends, no matter how many miles lie between us. The friendships that we have made of the last few years will surely last the test of time.Â There is no barrier or distance that will keep us apart.Â I love all of you and will remain your friend until my last breath.
I am missing something in my life. What is it? It is the very thing that makes humans human. That’s right; I am missing love in my life. I have written poems about it and have even experienced it for brief periods. Now is not one of those periods. Is there something wrong with me as a person, that there is no one that could care for me? Why can I not find someone to love, or someone to love me? It is the only thing that keeps me from being carelessly happy, something that I long for. I see it all the tie in the movies and on TV. But how often does that really happen? Are encounters really that romantic? Is there something that will click inside me that will make me know for sure that I am in love? I know for a fact that I was in love with Amy. There can be no mistake about that I still wonder, sometimes, what happened to us that made us drift apart so drastically. Now I can’t get her to respond to my emails. Life is an enigma!
Now I will begin to copy all that I have put in my black book.Â In doing this, I hope to be able to make its contents a readable part of these Chronicles.Â I hope that this work will not keep me from writing my daily thoughts.Â There are my Chronicles and will be my life put in words and on paper.
November 8, 1996
I think I am getting more and more use dot the idea that I am alone. Well, of course I’m not alone. I have family and friends, both near and far. I mean that I am alone as far as companionship. I think that I am in a better frame of mind now than I have been in a long time. There really isn’t an emptiness in me anymore. It is more like a vague sense in the inner reaches of my mind. My mind. I don’t even “feel” that emptiness in my “heart” anymore. Isn’t that strange? I was watching TV, I don’t remember the show, I just remember realizing that I didn’t feel the same pain and loneliness that I once had. I don’t even know for sure when it happened exactly.
I was just watching and I said to myself, “it doesn’t really bother me anymore. The emptiness that was once there is not just a small pinhole in my heart.”
It is a strange feeling, one that I haven’t felt in so long that I had really forgotten what being content (or close to it) felt like. That doesn’t mean that I don’t need anyone, or that have even given up looking. I will always be on the lookout for someone, it just isn’t as important to me anymore. Much of my drive in that area of my mind is gone. I don’t consider it a bad thing, either. It is amazing that the dark cloud that has loomed above me for so many years has finally left me. I haven’t had a slip into “my depression” in almost six months (that I can recall). I am in near disbelief. I am half waiting for it to return to me, although I hope it never does. I keep my fingers crossed.
When I hear the word “love,” I recall my junior year of high school. That’s a long story and I won’t get into it in this essay.
I think of love much differently, I’m sure, than most people. I don’t think about my family and their love, because that kind of love is unconditional. I mean the kind of love that is earned and learned, in time, for and by someone who is very special to you.
Love is something that, though some may disagree, we all need to have to survive in this world. Love is the one and only thing that defines us as a race. It is so deep and unexplainable that it defines mystery. No one understands it, yet every single person has a hand in it, whether they know it or not.
Love is the lone secret of our locked souls and if we were to ever unlock them, the rest of the universe would be easy to figure out. After that is done, though, after we have unlocked our mysterious souls, the rest would be petty information.
Some say that the one who controls the information controls the world. Well, that may be, but those who know love are destined to lead the world.
December 8, 1996
Last night was HST’s Sweetheart Dance and I decided that I would go to see all my friends that were still in BBYO. It was really strange being there. There were a lot of people there that I knew and some that I didn’t. I felt out of place there, like I didn’t belong there. In some ways, I guess I didn’t. I’m not in Hatikvah anymore, and really didn’t have any right being at the dance. Some people were happy to see me and that felt good. Others, however, made almost no acknowledgement that I was there. Wendy was there with some friends from school. She introduced them to Brady and Greg and some other people, but didn’t introduce them to me. That doesn’t bother me except for the fact that it makes me wonder if she really considers us to be friends, or just acquaintances and she is friendly to me only when it is convenient to do so. As I was leaving I felt very lonely and empty. All the friends I had made in the last two years were all in BBYO and I wasn’t anymore. I didn’t think that would make us any less friends, but in some cases it did.That’s what hurts.
December 23, 1996
What kind of person am I? I am pretty sure that I know what I like and dislike and what I value and what I don’t. I think I know what my principles are. Do I really? How do I know what I believe in? How can I tell what they are? I could write them down on paper. I could list my principles right here in my Chronicles, but would that really make them my values? Would I believe in everything I wrote down simple because I committed them to paper? I honestly don’t know. I find myself questioning everything I believe in. I need to reassess myself and my values. This isn’t something that I can do right now, right here while I’m typing. No. This is a process that has to take time. Days, weeks, even months or years. The only way that I could do it otherwise would be to have a revelation of some kind.
What is wrong with me? I really like to think that I am a good person, but now I’m not sure anymore. Do I believe in what I’ve always believed in? Are all my principles and values really in order? I have no way to tell. I have no guide to follow. There is no real guide to follow. If I’m going to do this I have to just jump in and learn to swim as I go along. Hopefully, when I reach the end of my journey, I will have the answers I’m looking for. Hopefully, I will come out at the other end with a better understanding of myself, my priorities, and my values. I start on my journey now.
Why is it that I am always so inspired by movies to do something, something to better myself? Not all movies make me reassess my life to a point, but some force me to at least try to look at what I am and where I am in my life. They don’t really make me question myself. Instead, they just make me think. The characters in these movies go through very real to life problems. These movies make me think about myself and my life.
I am sick and tired of being alone! I am sick and tired of watching friends and envying them for what they have in their lives, rather, for what I lack in mine. I’m sick of going to moves and sitting alone although there are people all around me. I’m sick of wanting! I’m sick of waiting for it to be my turn to have someone! It’s my turn to have someone and be truly happy! I think I deserve someone! I’m sick of watching couples hold hands and kiss and having to turn away to keep myself from thinking about it. I’m sick of having to try to ignore my friends as they giggle and hold hands and do all the things that couples do. I’m sick of having to wait and wonder when it’s going to be my turn. I’m sick of listening to Shawn tell stories about school where there are girls who want him and crap like that! I’m sick of listening to that and having to make jokes to hide my jealousy and rage and loneliness! I’m sick of having no one to really count on. I’m sick of having no one to love!
I’m sick of having no one to love!
December 29, 1996
The young man awoke to the brilliance of the rising sun. It was the beginning of a new day, and he looked forward to experiencing the new wonders it was sure to bring. He watched for a time, as the sun rose over the grass and the trees. He thought about all the goodness that was in his life. He thought about his wife. She was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to him and he was glad each day just knowing that she loved him.
He turned to watch her sleep. He was alone and that feeling of love vanished as quickly as it had formed. The reality hit hard. He as alone and for this reason his life was empty. His heart was so full of love, but had been a very long, long time since he had someone to love. Only for the one brief moment each morning when he opened his eyes could he remember what it was like to love and to be loved. He was alive, but he did not live. He moved from moment to moment with little ease. He felt as if he had to be pushed along from second to second.
Where was this love of his that he longed for each morning? Did she exist outside of his dreams and hopes, or was she merely a figment that simply lingered for a brief moment when his sleep filled eyes opened each morning? Where was the true love that was supposed to share his life with him? He longed for the answer to his curse. Will he ever find her?
Will I ever find her? I see people in love and think, “that’s what I want. Why don’t I have that?When will it be my turn to love and be loved in return?” I roll out of bed and am pushed through the day, from second to second, without meaning. All the time, within me, I shout out as loud as my soul can shout and, all the time, I pray that I am heard by someone.
I need someone. I am tired of being alone. I know that I may be young, perhaps too young, to want someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t necessarily mean marriage. I simply want someone to be with. I want someone to love! I want someone to love me! Is that so much to ask? I think that it is my turn to be happy again. I want to, once again, be truly happy. I want to feel important to someone. I want to make someone feel important. I want to make someone feel special. I want someone to spoil. I want someone to love. I want someone to hold. I want someone to laugh with. I want someone’s shoulder to cry on, if need be. I want someone to know that they have me to come to when they have a problem! I want someone to tell secrets to. I want someone to tell me their secrets. I want someone to love.
January 3, 1997
Inspiration is a mysterious thing. Where does it come from and why do we all have it sometimes, but not all of us have it all the time? There are only a few times that I know that I have been struck by inspiration. Most of the times, however, were caused by one person who was very important to me, but is no longer. She was the source of almost all the inspiration in my lifetime. Since I stopped talking to her, I have had trouble writing poems or stories. Now, before I met her, I could write stories just fine. However, it wasn’t until after we started dating that I had the urge or power to write poems. Now I have a strong urge to write a story, but for some reason I can’t seem to get it from my brain to my fingers to put in this computer. Mind you, I don’t blame that on anyone. I just find it rather strange that something that I love to do so much is becoming very hard for me to do without much effort.
January 6, 1997
I had a thought tonight. My thought concerns Alysia. What if she is the “one” that I am looking for? This has never crossed my mind until tonight. Shawn was talking to her and he kept looking at me and it made me wonder. For all I know, however, I could be greatly overacting. I do that sometimes. Anyway, between the two of them, there were a few insinuations made that really made me wonder. I really think that this is one of those times when I don’t really know what is going on, I just think I do. In a way, I wish things were the way I am thinking they are. It just seems to me that it just isn’t that way. I know how Shawn is and I am getting to know how Alysia is and I simply don’t think that she is thinking or feeling what I think (hope?) she is. I mean, come one. She’s never even met me and she has no idea what I look like, although I know what she looks like. All this is in my head and there is nothing there to think of. Well, I’ll try to ask Shawn about it without letting on what I’m thinking about. There is no reason for him to know what I am thinking. Besides, if all this were true, I would feel bad because it would be the second time that I would have taken someone that he cared for and liked them myself.
Now I find out that Alison likes me, which as far as I’m concerned is not a very good thing. We didn’t part on good times and now I feel very uncomfortable just being in the same room with her. I guess that’s the price I have to pay for thinking with my dick. I vow, though, to never let that happen again.
Oh well. I guess that this is all pretty silly and doesn’t have much basis in fact. You’d think that I was getting used to that by now. I will ask Shawn and see if I am just completely insane. Somehow I think I am, but there is just a little part of me that does hope it is true. At least there would be that option.
January 25, 1997
The world is an amazing place. The complexity of the universe is mind boggling, yet in a way there is a sort of simplicity to it that every one seems to catch on to. Love. Children. History. All are complex in themselves, but for some reason no one seems to notice. There is, in theory, a way to explain why things happen. Chaos theory is a remarkable science. With it humanity may begin to learn about its own existence. We are a long way from that point, however.
Things are going remarkably well with my life at this particular point in my life. I think this year is he first in a long time where I haven’t had regular fits of depression. Also, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I don’t have a crippling desire to be in a relationship with someone. I am just content to be where I am at this point in my life. The only burr, so to speak, is my friendship with Amy shows signs of fading away to nothing. I honestly think this is in no way my fault. I am so very close to giving up on what is left of our friendship. She doesn’t try whatsoever and seems not to care much about it. How can I compete with apathy like that? I don’t think I can and if it keeps up for too much longer, I may just have to give up on the whole thing once and for all. I hope, however, that I won’t need to do that. I sent an email to her yesterday and if I don’t hear from her in one week’s time, then I will throw in the towel and move on. I know that it is easier said than done, but under the circumstances, I won’t have any other choice. If she doesn’t work at it then I’m not going to waste my time. I hope that doesn’t happen.
February 1, 1997
Ok, I’m not quite sure how to begin so I’m going to type while I think, so it may get a little confusing. The last three years have been really insane. They have been the most turbulent of my entire life. That isn’t bad, it’s just a fact. Just about everything that I can think of has happened in the last three years of my life. The two most important to me were my beau candidacy and my time with Amy. By now, you may see where this is going. For almost two year, I haven’t had a real conversation with Amy, then on the 25th of January, everything changed. Amy and I had a three hour conversation that spanned the last three years of our lives. Before that night, I thought, no, I was sure that I had moved on, that I had gotten over Amy. Now I see myself questioning that resolve every minute since that night. In all my 18 years of life, I have never cared about someone so much. I really honestly thought I had learned not to care so much. But did I really feel that way, or was I just pretending for my own sake? I hurt for a long time after that and I felt really empty. After a time I thought that I had replaced that emptiness with real resolve to move on. I had a bright outlook on thinks for the first time in a long time. But now all that has changed again. The resolve has been replaced with strong reborn feelings and quite a few questions. I just don’t know. Now that things are better, or at least seem to be for the time being, I find myself wanting everything I had three years ago. I try really hard not to think about it and I honestly tell myself not to, but it doesn’t seem to work. I know that this is the last thing I should be thinking about, but I can’t seem to keep myself from it. When I saw her on Saturday, all the feelings that I thought had left me, turned out had just been hiding all these years. I know that these are not just “phantom feelings,” or whatever. I find myself just wanting to call just to listen to her voice. For the longest time I couldn’t picture her face very well in my mind. Now it’s almost always there. I don’t know if I want this or not, honestly. Things are so different now, yet they don’t seem to be. I don’t know what to do or what to think. I go in circles about this all the time in my head, trying to figure out what it is that is inside my head. I really thought I knew, but now I’m not so sure. For the last eight months, or so, I have been content, even happy with not wanting anyone. For the first time since I thought girls had cooties, I didn’t desire a relationship of any kind. I really liked that. Now, I think I know what you are thinking. If that’s what I want, then what’s the problem, or something along those lines, right?Well it isn’t that simple with me. I can’t think with my head when it comes to these kinds of things. I truly felt, with my heart, that I was content with being single, alone, whatever. Now, all that has changed and I’m not sure whether or not I like it. I’m not even sure what I really love her anymore, but I don’t know one way or the other and that is what is driving me insane. All the feelings are in me at once and I can’t make heads or tails of them. What should I do? Is there something wrong with me? All this is tearing me up on the inside. Please help!
February 10, 1997
I like to think of myself as a philosopher at heart. I like to question things. I want to know the answer to things that there may be no answer for. So far in my philosophy class, the topics have been interesting. They are topics that I could get into a conversation about. Topics like divinity, school, freedom, learning, and morality. These are things that the human spirit has been dealing with for centuries. For all our modern day technology and science, there are still things that we have no concept of. The things that are most important for the survival of the human race are the things that we take for granted everyday. Love, life, friends, puzzlement, dismay, anger, and laughter are but a few. Why are we, as a race, so interested in technology and science when we should be trying to better understand each other? Computers and information are just about the only things that occupy or minds nowadays. I think philosophy is the place where everything starts. As a part of philosophy you are taught to question everything. Without this basic idea where would the human race be right now? Who knows? It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is the fact that we are here now and we should be taking better care of each other. When it comes right down to it, we are all made of the same stuff way down in our insides, where the important things like… like our souls.
February 20, 1997
Love is the most elusive emotion that there is. I don’t think anyone can dispute this. Just about everyone can say what makes them mad or sad or happy. But is there anyone that can say, for sure, why they fall in love? Sure, people could give reasons, but would those be the real, true reasons? I don’t think so. Ok, so if we don’t know what makes us fall in love, then how can we know when it happens? That is a very difficult question to answer. If you ask me, there are different “indicators”for each person.
In my case, I’m not sure what it is that tells me when I’m in love. To be honest, it hasn’t happened too many times in my life and I am glad that it is that way. One shouldn’t fall in love too many times in their lives. If they do, the feeling of life itself becomes faded and diluted. I can’t describe what I think or feel when I fall in love. It is something that I am not even sure about, it is that vague to me. I wish it weren’t. Things would be so much easier if I could tell quickly if I am in love or not. I hope to learn better about my own “alert system” so that I will be ready for next time it happens to me.
February 27, 1997
I really don’t have much to say. Not much is going on in my life. Shawn is very, very close to finding himself a girlfriend. I have mixed feelings about it. I mean, I’m very happy for him and wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m just a little jealous. I just wish I had someone. I haven’t had anyone that I really care about in a few years and to be honest, I miss it. Well, I’ve learned to be patient and I’m really in no real big hurry to find someone to be with. I’m willing to wait and find the right person. However, the right person for me may very well be Amy Ravis. For a long time I really thought that she was the one for me. Now I’m not so sure. I still have strong feelings for her, but I’m not sure that I love her in the same sense anymore. If I don’t, there is nothing bad about that, it just means that I have to start looking harder, which I don’t think I’m ready to do yet. In the meantime, I will not give up on the idea that Amy may very well be the one for me. Only time will tell.
April 5, 1997
Will I think that it might be time for a little bit of an update as to the goings on in my life since the last entry. School is winding down and I couldn’t be happier about it. Summer means that everyone will be living at home again and I won’t have to be lonely for close to three months. Also, since I wrote last I have been accepted into two schools that I applied to: East Carolina University and Miami of Ohio. Miami is my first choice and I will be going to look at the school rather soon. My life is finally coming together. I also have met a wonderful girl who not only has a terrific personality, but she is incredibly attractive. Her name is Christy and I have talked to her almost every night for the past two or three weeks. I don’t know quite what to make of it all. She is a friend of Andrea’s and according to her Christy isn’t looking to be in a relationship. I, on the other hand, am always on the lookout for a relationship. I can’t even begin to describe how beautiful she is. We always have so much to talk about. Right now that is the highlight of my life and I don’t see it ending anytime in the near future, which is definitely a good thing.
April 18, 1997
I had a thought about love the other day and I figured I should write it down before it leaves my mind. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought that there was only one person out there for everyone. I thought that there was only one girl for me. I thought that I would never find her. Now that I have brightened my outlook on life, I think that my ideas about love are different. There isn’t just one person out there for me. Who knows just how many people may touch my heart. The thing is I am still left with the question: what is it that makes one person fall in love with another with all their heart? I have a new idea on the subject. I think that there is some kind of… something that is deep inside each and every person, something that… well; the easiest way to describe it would be to say that it shines. There is something in everyone that shines. The thing is that not everyone can see this light in everyone else. The people I see the light in my not see the light in me. Also, you may not see the light in someone as soon as you meet them. You may have to get to know them; get to know who they are and how they are. When you get to the point where you feel that you know that person very well, you may see the light. Then again, you may not. Even if you see the light someone, they may still not be “the one” for you. The easiest way to describe this would be to give an example. I think I can safely say that I “see the light” in Amy. We just aren’t the right people for each other, not right now anyway. I guess you could call this the “soul-mate check.” I guess you might also be able to say that all the lights don’t shine with the same intensity. So, when you find the brightest light in a person, they are the one for you. I think this is a much more optimistic view of how things are. At least it makes me feel better about the way the world works.
June 18, 1997
Isn’t it strange the way in which we remember things? If I think about it, music is a very important part of who I am. Certain songs remind me of my past. “Ironic,” by Alanis Morriesstte is a song that reminds me of Michelle Hammer and Marissa Mohr, who, by the way, are no longer friends. “Crash,” by the Dave Matthews Band reminds me of my last BBYO convention. Different songs remind me of different places and different people. Lately I have been doing quite a bit of looking back. I really wasn’t very happy then. I can’t quite put my finger on what it was exactly that made me so unhappy. I just was. If I think about it, not all that much is different now, I just seem more content with my self and my life. Maybe before I was trying to live up to other people’s expectations of me. Now I’m just living up to my expectations of my self. If I fail, I don’t really disappoint anyone, but my self.
In just about two months, I go away to college to be on my own. I will be making all new memories for myself, but at the same time those memories that I hold the most dear will be the ones that remind me of who I am. It is for that reason that music is so important to me, I think. My CDs are my memories and without them I might as well not have had those experiences to begin with.
August 13, 1997
In just one week, I leave for school. I am filled with all kinds of feelings. Most of me is excited, while some of me is nervous and maybe even a little scared. As I pack to leave, I can’t help but think about all the people that I will be leaving behind. In the past year I have made a few friends. The most important one, of course, being Christy. Since winter break I have become very good friends with her and now I am at the point where I am starting to question the way I think and feel about her. What do I think about her? Sometimes I think that I really have feelings for her, while other times I feel nothing but friendship toward her. I am hoping that we will spend some time together alone before I leave. Maybe I will be able to decide in both my mind and heart what I feel for her. She is such a wonderful person and I can’t help but think that I do indeed have feelings for her. There is also the idea that I will no longer be living at home. I have lived here for as long as I can remember and now I will be living with someone who I have never met.
August 18, 1997
This will most likely be my last entry made here in Overland Park. Either tonight or tomorrow I will dismantle my computer to take to school with me. I don’t know what to make of this whole experience. There is so much to do and so little time to do it in. It is a strange feeling to be packing up nearly everything I own and moving to another place. So to end this entry, I will say goodbye to Overland Park, which has been my home for nearly 17 years. I will miss these surroundings, somehow, even though I thought I couldn’t wait to get away.
August 21, 1997
Well, I’m here. I don’t know how I feel about it yet. I mean I know it is a good thing and all, but somehow I wish I was at home. I wish I was where I know people and where I know how to get around. The only consolation I have is that everyone here is in the same boat as me. Tonight I have already met some very nice people, but I am not to the point where I would call any one of them friends. Also, there is something about my dorm room that I don’t like. It could be that there is only one light and I am al alone in a fair size room. There is just something creepy about it that I just can’t quite place. Maybe it is the fact that I know that my mom isn’t downstairs or in the next room. There isn’t a single person I know and care about within 500 miles of here. I know that in time it will become home to me and it won’t seem so weird and wrong. There is a part of me that just wants to try, while there is another part of me that says to stick it out and be a man, but then I’ve never been much of a man. I just hope this feeling passes soon.
August 23, 1997
Day two ends. I feel much better about this place now than I did 24 hours ago. I think that I have made a couple of friends. We just sat around this evening and talked about all sorts of things. One of them, Steve, is a big trekkie just like me, so right there we have a very good thing in common. The other guy’s name is Jason and he is a nice guy as well. They told me that they had heard that we may be forced to move out at the end of the semester and moved into other dorms all around campus. We won’t even have the same roommates that we did here at Oxford. It seems to me that by then most of us won’t want to leave. Come January, we will have made this place our home and those in charge want to move us onto campus? I think it is a somewhat stupid idea. If they wanted us on campus that badly, then she should have put us there in the first place.
Oh. There are a few things that I forgot to mention about last night, nothing too important, just one little thing to add. Last night I met a very nice girl named Joanna. She wants to fly planes. We had a really nice conversation for about 30 or 40 minutes. Did I mention that she was rather pretty? Not gorgeous mind you, but she has a very beautiful face and a body that isn’t too bad either. I hope I get to know her much better in the future. I think that she is someone that I could become good friends with. Only time will tell.
August 24, 1997
It is so amazing how all sorts of different people can have all sorts of different ideas and beliefs. One of the friends I’ve made so far, Steve, happens to be a die hard Lutheran. We had an interesting discussion about what he believes as a Lutheran and what I believe as a Jew. As I said, he is a die hard Lutheran and so he believes in the Bible, word for word. That includes both the old and new Testaments, so he believes that G-d created the world in seven days and that man is created I his image, meaning that G-d made Adam and Eve and the Earth, all in six days. Being a man of science, myself, I found it hard to believe that he doesn’t believe in the Big Bang Theory and even more amazing, he doesn’t believe in evolution. I just find it incredible to think that there are still these people that truly believe that teaching evolution in school is wrong. If I had a little more knowledge about my own religion, I would love to have a debate with him about our two religions.Maybe after being active at Hillel for a while, I will be a better Jew and I will be able to have a good debate with him.
September 25, 1997
I talked to Shawn the other night and he told me some interesting news. He has a girlfriend, Erica. Of course, I’m happy for him and all that, but it just reinforces the fact that I am alone. Not only that, but I have yet to make any girl friends. Of course I was right when I said that I wouldn’t find anybody up here. Shawn, though, said that girls would be hitting on me, more or less. Well that isn’t the case thus far into my college experience, unless girls here have a funny way of hitting on you. I’m guessing it is the same everywhere. I know one of the things I said I would do while I was here is work on my people skills. I also thought it would be harder for me to make friends here than it has been. I thought I would have to improve my people skills in order to make new friends here. Now that I don’t, there isn’t very much incentive to do so. I guess that you could say that finding a girlfriend should be good incentive, but when it comes to girls I need a lot more than that to get me to make a move. Why is that? I’m pretty good with people, but for some reason I’m not as good with girls. I just get nervous and I can’t think of anything to say. Even when they start a conversation, I can’t manage to keep it going. When it comes to girls, I just don’t know a whole hell of a lot. I wish I did, but there isn’t much I can do about it now. Maybe when I wake up one day, this fear of mine will be gone.
I’m starting to get into one of my funks. I’m not sure why, but it has something to do with the fact that Shawn, once again, has a girlfriend while I do not. It isn’t just that. I mean it has to do with the fact that I don’t have girlfriend, but it is one step further. I’m just lonely. I would like to have a girlfriend here, but the more I think about it the more I think I might have feelings for Christy. I’m not the kind of person to give up or ignore my feelings for mere convenience. I never have in the past and if it turns out that my feelings are real, then I will act on them, even though she wouldn’t be close by. Just the fact that I would have someone would make me feel better. One of these days I will feel better.
September 30, 1997
Well, I just got off the phone with Andrea. We had a good conversation and it was good to talk to her. She did, however, have some rather bad news to tell me. Apparently Christy may be interested in another guy. She wasn’t ever interested in me, as far as I know, but this news just makes things harder for me. The more I think about it, the more I think I would like to try a relationship with her. Now comes the big question: do I tell Christy exactly what I’m thinking, on the assumption that she won’t freak out and avoid me for the rest of our lives? Or, do I just go about my business and leave things as they are? For someone who knows what other people should do when it comes to relationships, I’m sure not very good at taking my own advice. I think I’m going to write a mock letter to her and, if I get up the nerve, I’ll send it. I hope I can send… I should call instead and tell her over the phone. It would definitely be harder, but I think it would work better that way. I could witness her reaction in person. If I call, she will have to deal with it then, without thinking about it. If I send her an email, I would have to wait for a response that might never come and also it would give her time to think about what to say and it would be less interesting. Maybe I’ll do both and that way I will have what I want to say out on paper, so that I would know exactly what I want to say. Good idea.
October 8, 1997
A three-day weekend is coming up and just about everyone is going home. It will be quiet, but relaxing. It may give me a change to get into the swing of things a little better. When I look at how I am here, and how I am at home, I can’t help but notice a difference. Sometimes I look at myself from the inside and I think about how I should be. Steve Wright is a guy that I have become pretty good friends with over the last few weeks, or so. I like the way he looks at thing and I wonder what keeps me from living my life by a similar philosophy. To him, things don’t seem as important. He doesn’t really care about what people think of him and he isn’t afraid of hearing “no.” When I’m in my own surroundings, I’m more like that. Not completely, but much more so than I am here. I’ve always had trouble when it comes to the opposite sex, but I always thought that I was more relaxed around them than I am here. I think part of it may be that I’m not really used to being here. It isn’t my home yet and until it becomes my home I won’t feel comfortable here. When I go out, I try to be more like the way I am at home, but I’m never able to do it. I’ll keep trying and maybe one day I’ll be surprised. I really hope that day comes sooner, rather than later.
November 3, 1997
Well, I have very interesting news to share. About two weeks ago, my current love interest informed me, rather abruptly, that she was “official” with this guy that, until recently, she wasn’t the least bit interested in. Why me? It takes me close to two years to get over Amy and when I do find a girl I think I like, she ends up dating someone else. I just have terrible luck when it comes to women. I have yet to have a long term, healthy relationship. Now, according to Shawn, who I guess is an authority on very healthy relationships, not every relationship is a good one. I’m sure he’s right, but he’s in his second healthy relationship, while I have yet to have a good one. The odds there don’t seem to be stacked in my favor. He can’t say these things because he’s never been in a bad relationship, so what the hell does he know? Anyway, after this most recent failure, I’ve officially decided to give up on trying to find a girlfriend all together. It’s just not worth the trouble. I’m very content to help my friends in their relationships. Besides, that’s much more enjoyable than trying to find a girlfriend, or even a date for that matter. I just can’t talk to girls. I don’t know why I can never seem to find anything to say when I’m around them. Those 400 acres are looking better and better every day.
November 19, 1997
I need to do a better job of writing in this book. The semester is almost over. I go home for Thanksgiving in less than a week and when I return, I will only have a week or two before finals. Things are better than they were at parents’ weekend. My grades at that point weren’t that great, actually they sucked. They are better now, however I won’t be able to pull off the B average this semester, like I had wanted. That will have to wait until next semester, I guess. Not much else in the way of news to report. One of my friends, and soon to be frat brothers, Hal is having girl troubles and I think I will be helping him with them very soon. I like to help my friends get into good relationships. Honestly, I know what it takes to get a girl and keep her. Unfortunately, I have quite a bit of trouble taking my own advice. You now, the more I think about it the more I see the scars of my childhood. Sometimes I think they are directly related to my trouble talking to girls, other times I think I’m just not good at that stuff. There has to be a reason, though, right? I just haven’t figured out what it is yet. Anyway, it makes me feel really good when I can give advice to my friends. I’m sure I said it in my last entry, but I’m very happy for Christy and I’m glad that my advice helped her get a boyfriend, even if I did get screwed in the process.
Anyway, I can’t wait to get home to see everyone. I just miss all my friends, my bed, my house, my dog, my car, a single shower, things like that. I’m sure that after a few days there I will be more than ready to come back, but in the meantime I will enjoy my time there.
One more comment for this entry and I’ll be finished. Shawn is my best friend; I like very much to see him happy. Right now he has a girlfriend and I don’t think he could be any happier. I like to talk and “chat” with him, but it seems that every time I talk to hem I spend the entire conversation being bitter and nasty. When we talk, there has rarely been a time when I didn’t snap at him. I don’t mean to, but the fact that once again he has a girlfriend and I don’t really bothers me. I know it shouldn’t, especially since I said that I was giving up on finding a girlfriend, but no one wants to be lonely, not even me. It just seems, more and more, that is how it is going to be for me. I’m sure he notices my change in attitude and I’m sure he knows why it’s there, but I’m not going to bring it up, because I don’t want him to be right. I told him, more or less, that I had given up on girls. Of course, he thought that was a load of shit, and told me that it wouldn’t last. Now I’m determined to show him up, even if it means sacrificing my changes at happiness to do it. I know it is sick and morbid, but I really hate it when he’s right. So that’s where things are now. I wish they were different, I really do, but for things to be different, I need a major character make over. I don’t think that is going to happen very soon, unfortunately. One day I’m going to look back at this journal and wonder what was wrong with me. Hopefully by then, I will have things figured out.
November 21, 1997
Everyone has a destiny, everyone. Now, I’m not saying that everyone’s life is plotted out from the day they are born. I just mean that we all have a general path that starts the instant we come into this world. Each of us has a certain amount of our parents in us and it is up to our life experiences to determine where we go. I’ll use me as an example. I have a certain amount of my mother’s traits and maybe a different amount of my father’s. Both my parents are, for the most part, shy and withdrawn. Neither one lets their emotions show, if they can help it. The same goes for me. I’ve always thought my problems are my problems and I should deal with them on my own. As I get older, this becomes less the case, but this trait will always be a part of who I am. I’m very shy as well. I’ve been shy for as long as I can remember. Granted, I have fits and spurts of character, when I let myself out for the rest of the world to see without worrying, though it is by far not the norm. So from the start, I was inherently shy, but my experiences have only added to this trait, making it almost a complex, especially when it comes to girls… women, whatever. It is only those few fits of character that keep me from being completely alone.
So, back to the point I started with. From the first years when my imagination began to run free, I’ve always dreams of the future. It is that dream that has fed my pursuit of the sciences. Now all I want to do is research. Can you believe that? For the rest of my life I want to study. When I was in high school, studying was the last thing I wanted to do, even when it was science. Now, it’s all I want to do. It has to do with my destiny. Up to this point in my life, I think my destiny has been to pursue the sciences. If that doesn’t work, then my theory may be worth shit.
On another point that I really don’t want to talk about, must because it is in my thoughts and that’s what these Chronicles are all about. I think I may be destined to be single and alone all my life. Now I can’t back this up the same way I can my other thoughts. All I know is that there is this force inside me that keeps me from talking to girls. When I try, nothing leaves my mouth, or I just can’t for the life of me think of a single thing to say. For instance, take Jamie. Most days, I can’t stop thinking about her, but then when I see her, all that manages to force its way out is a “hello” and maybe a “how are ya?” Why? What is wrong with me that I can’t just start a fucking conversation with her, or ask her to dinner? I managed to do it with Christy. Is it that since that didn’t go well, on the personal level, I can’t seem to do it again? Why the hell not? It’s not that I don’t try. Every time I see her all I think about is what I can say to start a conversation. When I see her at services, I spend nearly the entire time trying to think of one thing to say that would start a conversation. Right now all I want to do is get to know her. I’m trying really hard not to think too much about what I would really like: a girlfriend. I just want to talk. Once I did that, things would be so much easier. Maybe I can’t do any of this because I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m not destined to be with someone. Maybe I had my chances, and I blew them.
January 21, 1998
Let me start by saying that I am one of the most fickle people I know. My last entry was about Jamie and this one is going to be about Becky. Now the two instances aren’t the same and the circumstances are different, but the main theme is the same. Maybe one reason I can’t find a girlfriend is because I can’t decide who I want it to be. Anyway, on with this pointless rambling. Two weeks ago I was on break, so I got to see all the people that I hadn’t seen for several months. One of those people was Becky Blizzard. I thought we would spend a couple of hours together, maybe see a movie or something like that. I thought there would be minimal conversation, you know, just the usual conversation: “how was your break? How are classes? How do you like school? Is there anyone special?” You know, things like that. Instead, we spent seven hours together, talking about everything from music to relationships gone bad. It was great. I’ve never had a better time with her. So when our visit was all over, I found myself a little sad. I knew that we would keep better in touch this semester, so it wasn’t over the lack of communication. I knew that I would be going to back to school in a few days and I wasn’t nearly as broken up about not seeing anyone else for several months: like Gail, or Daniel, or Amy for that matter.
Then I started to wonder what would have happened if I had been a little more open and responsive to her flirtations toward me three years ago. Why would I start thinking about that then? It was clear that she isn’t interested in me now. I’d never thought about it before. I have her picture in the front of my wallet, so that I see her face every time I open it. Sometimes I stare at it for a moment or two. Let me put it this way, before I left for home I thought of Jamie a lot. Now I think about Becky instead. I wish I could see her. I wish I could go out and just talk like we did that Thursday night. What if her attraction to me had happened three years later, or just one, for that matter? I don’t know if I like her or not, all I know is that I want to try and find out. I want to get to know her better. This past vacation was a good step in the right direction, but now that I’m back at school that will be more difficult. Besides that, as I said before, it is obvious that she only wants to be friends and nothing more. I don’t want to ruin that by trying to change the nature of our relationship. So once again I’m in a position where I don’t want to do anything stupid. Why is this happening now?
When she was interested in me, I was in no condition, emotionally, to deal with a relationship. That was only a year after Amy broke up with me, and I think, in some ways I’m still dealing with that. Man am I screwed up! If it had happened at just about any time other than my junior or senior year, things might have been different. Now I’m forced to leave thing as they are. So I guess I’ll go on thinking about her and what might have been if things had been different. About the only thing I can do at this point, is just try and become better friends with her. Maybe, although I don’t want to think about it too much, things will develop as they would have three years ago.
Just when I think I’m getting better, something happens to make me question that. The roots of my problem go deeper than I thought. They may go so deep that they can’t be removed without killing some of me at the same time. I’m learning to deal with this shit more everyday, but just when I think I’m doing better, this kind of thing comes along and makes me reevaluate my emotional progress.
February 16, 1998
As I sit here, on this bus, in the cold and lonely dark, I can feel it overtaking me, filling my heart and mind. This unbearable sadness is choking me. It feels like I’m drowning in it. The idea of losing my life to this feeling is terrifying. When I try and fight it, when I try to keep from drowning I just sink faster into the salty, bitter abyss. What is even more terrifying is that in place of what it is taking is an awful emptiness that makes me feel almost complete. As the days pass, the sadness takes more and more from me until one day when there will be only a shell, a mere fraction of what I once was.
February 18, 1998
Yesterday’s entry was written on the bus ride home from a three day weekend in Washington D.C. with some of the people in Hillel. This group included both sexes. The reason I wrote it has to do with something that happened while I was there. It was something I hadn’t encountered in a long time. One of the girls was hitting on a friend of mine who was on the trip as well. It wasn’t the fact that she was hitting on him rather than me, but just the fact that it reminded me how long it’s been since someone hit on me. In fact it made me realize that I couldn’t remember the last time that happened. Why? What is so wrong with me that in the last two years, or so, not one girl has tried to put the moves on me. Granted, I probably wouldn’t act on them anyway, but that isn’t the point. It’s good for a man’s ego when he is hit on every once in a while. Just the fact that nothing even close to that has happened recently makes me wonder if there isn’t something wrong physically or otherwise. I also came to the self-realization that I would be unable to start a relationship, or even think about starting one, until at least one woman hits one me. This is more of an emotional thing that is out of my control. Like I said, it’s just a self-realization that I made and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. I know if that girl had hit on me instead of him, I wouldn’t have acted on them, but just the fact that she was hitting on me would have been nice for a change.
It’s funny to listen to thy guys talk about Nathan and how he has never even kissed a girl, let alone anything else. They hold him in a sort of contempt. They don’t dislike him or anything like that; I think they may just not look at him with the same respect as they would look at any other “normal” guy. What is really amusing is the idea that they think I am different from him in that respect, even though I never gave them any reason to think so. I wonder what they would think of me and how they would act toward me if they knew that little fact about me. Maybe I’ll test it and find out.
March 4, 1998
A few entries back I talked about that great evening with Becky. I talk about how I would like to try and see if I have a “thing” for her. This past week has been crazy. I called her last week sometime, and unfortunately she had no time to talk, but she said she would call me tomorrow. Since then, every time I come home or disconnect from the Internet, I hope to see the message light on and find out that it was her calling, so I can call her. I think she has called a couple of times, but hasn’t left message, for one message or another. That’s just about all that’s been on my mind for the last week, or so. I check my email countless times a day, just to see if she if she has sent an email telling me she was going to call. After thinking about it, I’m not sure if I really want to hear her voice, or if I just want to have someone to talk to. Well, I have people to talk to and if I really wanted to talk to friends that don’t go here, I have a fairly long list of people I could call before her. Why, then am I obsessing over this? Monday morning I woke up at four in the morning, just so I could hear her voice on the radio show that she does. I value sleep very much, but I got up nearly three hours before I had to, for no better reason that to listen to her voice. Needless to say, she wasn’t on that morning. I plan to listen again, maybe even as soon as next week. The show could be crap and the music they play on it could be crap, but I could become a fairly regular listener for no better reason than to hear her talk and, if I’m lucky, say my name. Isn’t that crazy? To be honest, I don’t know all that much about her: likes, dislikes, little quirks, what her religious beliefs are, things like that. I don’t know if I care about her or not, or if I just want someone to care about so badly that I’m making up feelings that I don’t really have. It’s been so long since I’ve been in love and when I was it was with someone not remotely similar to Becky. I’m not sure what love feels like. I’m not sure I remember what love feels like. I wish I did, so I would know what to look for. I think when I go to visit Shawn this weekend, I will have to ask him what love feels like and how he knew he was in love with Erica. In the meantime, I’m just going to keep thinking about Becky and hope that she calls, just so I can talk to her. In an email she sent me, she said that she might come to visit for part of her spring break. I wonder if she was serious. I guess when I go home for the rest of my spring break, I will have to ask her. I hope she was at least half serious. If she was, I might be able to convince her to really come and visit me. We’d have so much fun and it would be a good chance to get to know her better and see if I do indeed have feelings for her. I kind of hope that I do. What I really hope is that she has feelings for me somewhere inside her. We’ll just have to see, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
March 4, 1998
It’s strange that while I sit here and think about Becky and how things are between us and how I think I might want things to be, I think about Amy. In an instant, my entire thought process is focused on her. I think about how things were, when we were dating, how things were right before and right after, and how things are now. For me, the time when we were dating was the best time in m life, as well as the most difficult, the most challenging. Back then, I didn’t know who to express my feelings for her, to her, and I think that hurt things between us. Granted, I won’t take full responsibility, but what might have been if I had shown my live for her more directly, rather than just smothering her? What if I had said, “I love you,” just once? Would things have been different? Would she have felt better about herself? Would she have felt better about us and been able to tell me why she didn’t like being with me? What if I had simply told her what I thought about her? What if I had said, “you are beautiful to me?” Would that have made a difference?
If she had told me, I would have been terrified. I would have thought “why me, why us, why now?” I would have hated myself for not noticing, for not being there for her, for not being more caring. Nevertheless, I would have stayed. I would have helped her get better. I would have sat down with her and told her exactly how I felt about her, over and over again, until she was sick of hearing it. I if I had known, ff I had thought it would have helped her.
Now I just sit here, in the early hours of the morning wondering how she is. Is she all better? Does she feel better about herself, even if just a little? I want to, right now, right this very instant, tell her what I think of her. I want to tell her what I say to everyone I know about her, when she comes up in conversation. I think about the best people in the world and she is at the top of my list. She is my standard by which everyone else is compared. She is beautiful.
She is wonderful.
She is amazing.
Her smile is the noon sunlight.
She is the sunset on the ocean.
Her face is the morning dew.
When we were together, she was the center of my life. When she left I was empty. There are the things I should have said then, not now, years later sitting up at night, awake with bittersweet thoughts.
I want to see her smile. I want to hear her laugh. I want to see her cry. I want to hear her voice. I want to know what she was to me, what she is now. She was and is my inspiration. I wanted to be better with her, because of her. Did she stop loving me? Did she ever love me? Can I ask her without fear or hesitation? Where should I stop, when is it too much? Sometimes I think I still love her and wonder if it is that person from years past that I love or if it is the person who I know now, not so well, that I have random conversations with. Are they the same person? Am I who I was four years ago? No, and I can’t expect her to be either.
Why does this haunt me so much? Do these kinds of thoughts of me keep her from sleeping?
March 29, 1998
This past week was a hard one and I’m glad it’s over. It was filled with two tests and a lab report. I didn’t like that they all came up in the same week, but I really didn’t mind doing the work. It made me feel good, like I was being a good student for the first time since I came here. What bothers me the most, though, is that I most likely didn’t do well on either test (religion or calculus). I worked really hard on the religion test, but I don’t think I even got a B. I didn’t do as much work on the calculus test, but I didn’t have as much time. I’ll be surprised if I get a B on that test, as well. It just hasn’t been a good week in that respect. What if I’m not cut out to be here? What if I’m not cut out for college at all? Even when I worked my ass off on the religion test, I still didn’t get an A. What does that say about me? There is a chance that I will flunk calc and if that happens, I’ll probably be put on academic probation. Not only will my parents be pissed off about it, but will probably destroy me and any self-esteem that I have left at the end of the year.
All that depression that I thought I got rid of seems to have caught up to me. All of a sudden I am getting unhappier as the days pass. I hate it and it’s killing me. I thought I was doing so well with myself, apparently I was wrong. We’ll see how I do on these last two tests and the physics test I have this upcoming Thursday. If I do poorly on that one too, then I’m going to tell my parents that they don’t have to pay for me to go to school here anymore. I’m sure Milt will be happy about that. At least he won’t have anything to bitch and moan about anymore.
It seems that the only thing that I get the least bit of happiness out of is my religion, my faith. Lately, I’ve become a better Jew and it makes me feel good. Every time I have a meal and kept it as kosher as possible, I feel happy and proud of myself. The more I learn about being Jewish, the more I want to be a better Jew. Nowadays that’s the only place where I find contentment.
April 29, 1998
Well, I didn’t tell my parents that they won’t have to pay for school anymore. I just couldn’t do it. I love it here and I don’t want to have to leave. I didn’t do well on that last physics test, but I guess I just won’t be a physics major. My professor doesn’t think I should give up after doing poorly in one class, but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I will flunk, but I also don’t think I can get a C in the class either. Next semester I’m going to try my hand at English and if I don’t do well at that, then maybe I’ll drop out of school, but I won’t make any decisions now. We’ll just wait and see.
This past weekend was AEPi’s formal. It was tons of fun, but I didn’t have a date. The only person I would have taken was Jamie Klauser, but she has a boyfriend and I think that might have a little crush on her. For that reason I didn’t want to take her to the dance. She ended up going with Doug, which I thought would be really bad for me, but it turned out that we all had a great time. The Saturday after the dance we all went to King’s Island, which is like World of Fun. I got to spend a lot of time with her there and Doug even made a comment that I spent more time with her than he did. That may or may not be true, but I know that I didn’t consciously make that my goal. When I think about it, she was the one that wanted me around and when she asked me to do something, I just couldn’t say no. I think before school lets out for the summer, I will ask her out for coffee or something like that. I’m not trying to take her from her boyfriend, who is really nice and good to her; I just want to get to be better friends with her. Maybe we can keep in touch over the summer. She won’t be here next semester and I think that I will really miss her. I want out friendship to be at a point that we will be able to keep in touch next fall when she is sailing the seas.
Finally, the girl that Brad too to the formal is very nice and bisexual. I didn’t know her very well before the dance, but I got high with her at the hotel where the dance was, and we all had a good time. Today we talked a little while she got high with Ben. Now I’m not saying that she likes me, or is even attracted to me, but she touched my shoulder a couple of times when she had no reason to. This is what gets me, I can tell when a girl is flirting with friend of mine, but I don’t have the faintest clue when (or if) a girl is flirting with me. This is probably because I haven’t had anyone flirt with me in a very long time. Again, I don’t thin that he is remotely interested in me, but she kept touching me and when we got ready to go to Hillel for Discovering Judaism, she just didn’t want us to leave. Now, for all I know, she was talking more about Ben than me, but who knows.
September 1, 1998
I’m back at school and am living in Oxford Commons. I like it here and feel like I’m even more on my own than I was last year. I’m living in an apartment with three friends of mine and we can pretty much do whatever we like. I’m also glad to be back in Oxford. I spent the summer in OP and enjoyed it, but it was a fairly boring summer. Shawn’s girlfriend, Erica, came in to visit him the last week of the summer. I had met her before and like her a lot, but for some reason while she was visiting, I was in a bad mood. I didn’t really like the way they acted around the rest of us. They acted like they were better than us and that just isn’t the case. One night, Shawn decided he would put a dress on to see how the rest of us would react. Well, we thought it was ridiculous and then the two of them proceeded to tell us, not in so many words, that we were simple minded because we thought it was strange. They acted like it was normal and should be treated as such.
Anyway, now that I’m back at school, I’m starting to feel the pain of single life leaking into my brain. I thought that I was ok with being single and alone, but now it seems that I have a growing problem with it. I just want a girlfriend so badly. This past weekend, Mike Davis and I went to a Swing party at Shriver. Now I should have knows that once I got there my spirits would start to dwindle, but I went anyway. I had a good time for about ten minutes, then the usual depression starting to sink in. Guys and girls were dancing and having a good time and I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and ask someone to dance. I’ve never been able to do it and this was no different.I can’t figure out why I have this problem. The average guy has no problem just walking up to a girl and talking to her. I, on the other hand, have some sort of strange phobia about the whole thing. Even if I want to, I can’t bring myself to do it; some part of my body won’t cooperate. Either my legs won’t let me walk, or my mouth won’t move. It’s actually really quite frustrating.
And now another year is upon me and that means more date parties and more formals. There are things that I just can’t deal with. Dues this year are going to be more than $400. A part of me is hoping that my parents won’t be able to pay them, and then I won’t have to deal with those parties and formals. The way I see it, I’m not even sure if I should have to pay that much, because I most likely won’t have a date for those things and may not even go. Maybe I’ll talk to Mike about it. It’s just something I can’t deal with anymore. The whole thing about the formal last spring had my stomach tied in knots for weeks prior. I have no will or strength to find myself a date, or to even have a date.
November 26, 1998
Thanksgiving Day and I’m back in Minneapolis. I never thought I’d come back here. I never thought I’d be able to come back here. I never thought I’d be invited to come back here, and yet somehow, here I am. What’s even more remarkable is that I’m actually having a good time. I think once Sunday comes, I’m actually going to be a little disappointed to leave, which is pretty unbelievable. Grandma and Grandpa are here. So is Jeff, and that’s about it.
January 7, 1999
Tonight saw an absolutely great move, Shakespeare in Love. It’s all about William Shakespeare and true, pure love. He has lost his knack at writing plays and a psychologist/priest tells him that when he finds his true love, he will once again find his talent at playwriting. Needless to say, he finds her and from their ill-fated romance comes perhaps his most famous play of all: Romeo and Juliet.
When I first heard about this movie, I must admit I wasn’t too keen about seeing it. Everyone said I should see it: Shawn, Shari, and a few others. Even with their rave reviews of the film, I still had my doubts. While talking to Amy this afternoon, she said the same thing, but she added that she thought I would really like it. Well, because of the source of this new information, I went to see it. And she was right. Even though I still harbored some doubts after the movie had started, once a few minutes passed, it grew increasingly entertaining. Not only were quite a few lines very moving, poetic, and even inspiring, but there were a number of funny lines and scenes. The movie just got better as it went on, but as the ending approached, I could tell that Will and his beloved would not end up together. She had been arranged to marry another and, even though William was in the Queen’s good graces, she could not annul the marriage. His beloved leaves for America, but not before inspiring William’s next work, which would be a comedy, not a tragedy that we all know Romeo and Juliet isn’t. Even though the movie as a whole was terrific, the ending just made it that much better.
In recent months I have come to realize that many of the movies that I have seen are very inspiring. After seeing each respective flick, I am left with an incredible sense of well-being and a flood of thoughts and ideas. I don’t even remember what movie it was, but after leaving the theater of a particularly moving and heartfelt movie, I had a kind of revelation: I want to learn all there is on the subject of love. I wanted to read every quote, every book, and every idea on the concept of love. The movies paint such a wonderful picture about the ideal love, that someone out there must be experiencing it. I mean, I don’t think anyone could come up with some of the ideas about love that are conveyed in these movies unless someone is actually living through the experience. If it’s happened once, then it must have happened elsewhere, at different places and times. And if this is indeed the case, then these people must have documented their feelings and thoughts somewhere. I mean, a love like that has to be inspiring and you’d think that these lucky few would want to help the rest of us get an idea of what it’s like.
Simply put, I want to become an expert on the subject of love. Now one might say that I have no right to be an expert if I’ve never been in a relationship like that. Well, folks, I like to think that I have indeed had a small taste of that ideal. About four years ago, I was in love with Amy Ravis. Granted, I was only a junior in high school, but looking back on that short relationship, I can confidently say that it was indeed a remarkable kind of love that I had for her, although I should add that she never felt that way about me. My love for her was truly inspiring. Before I knew her, I had never been able to write poetry and, frankly, I’d never tried. I had never wanted to. But she inspired me. A good percentage of the writing I’ve done since that time has been inspired by her and my love for her.
Time has indeed passed and things have changed. After a few years, I thought I had gotten over my feelings for her. You see, she dumped me for reasons I won’t get into here, but I was shattered by it. Finally, I could say with a fair amount of confidence that I didn’t love her anymore. Well, these past few weeks at home from school has changed my thoughts on that subject. I’m not in love with her anymore, but I do still love her. I think I always will. “What’s the difference,” you ask. I’ll tell you. When I was in love with her, I honestly thought that I could be with her for the rest of my life, even though I hadn’t even graduated high school. That’s how confident I was in my love for her. Now I knew at the time, although I tried to ignore it, that she didn’t feel the same way about me. For a while I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter. I continued to try and convince myself about this even during the time when I thought I hated her.
Today, my feelings on the subject are quite different. If someone had asked me a month ago what my feelings were for her, I probably wouldn’t have said much either way. About a week ago I was staffing a BBYO convention which she also helped staff for one day. We were able to spend a fair amount of time together and at one point she asked me about school (at least I think that’s how the ball got rolling). After being asked countless times during the previous week, I felt I should tell her the truth. I said I loved the school, but wasn’t happy with the people I surrounded myself with. I told her those people weren’t like me at all and that I was just coming to realize this. She then asked me about any female companions. I simply told her I didn’t have any and that I didn’t particularly like being social. I said I didn’t like dates and that I had zero female friends. This is where things got bad.
She proceeded to tell me how she always thought I had lots of female friends and that I used to like to be social. Hearing this was like jabbing a dagger in my side. She asked me if I was happy and I couldn’t bring myself to really answer without getting choked up. The dagger pushed further into me. I remember her saying something about my not smiling very much. With the dagger in me to the hilt, she proceeded to twist and turn it around. The pain was unbearable. I had to get out. I got up and left while she was turning conversation with a friend. I did my best to try and avoid her the rest of the night. I ran into her, only partly by accident as she was preparing to go home.
“Where’ve you been?”
I’ve been keeping the kinds in line.” Or something like that. My face probably screamed sadness even though I tried my best to hide my depressed emotions.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, looking up at me. Obviously my attempts had failed. My knees were weak.
I could barely get the words out. “Nothing.” And tried to force a smile out.
“Whatever.” That most likely wasn’t her response. It was obvious to her that I was laying and that I didn’t want to talk about it. I did, though; I just couldn’t manage to start. Now I wish I had. I want to be able to tell her what wrong, but if I do that I’ll have to tell her things that she may not want to hear. I want to tell someone, I’m dying to tell someone. I have to get it off my chest, but I’m not sure how to start. If only I could give it all to her on paper. That would make it really easy, but I know that wouldn’t do me any good either. I could use some inspiration right now. Maybe it’ll come to me in my dreams.
February 14, 1999
I wish I would write in my journal more often. I must say that I’m not sure how things are with me. At the beginning of the year, I would tell people, when they asked, that everything was fine and that I loved school here. In the past several months I’ve started to question where I am and what I’m doing. I mean, I still like this school a lot, but I don’t think it is really my type of school. Everyone here is so conservative and somewhat uninterested in life in general. They all have very limited minds and even more limited conversations. For instance, all my friends seem to talk about are cars and sex and computers and very average things like that. Frankly, I’m just not into those things as much as they are. I always feel that I have nothing really to say to any of them. It seems that I’ve been through all the possible conversations with them.
Anyway, on a much brighter note, I’ve been talking to Amy quite a bit lately. She has AOL instant messenger and we talk pretty regularly. It’s really nice. With her I can talk about all kinds of things, interesting things, topics that are just a little more stimulating. I wish we should talk night, but I’ll take what I can get. I can’t wait for spring break, when I will get to see her, while I’m home for a few days. That’s all I feel like writing for now. I’ll try to do more tomorrow.
April 6, 1999
Last weekend, during Passover, I went to visit Dad and Janie. Heather and grandma and grandpa were there too. I had a great time and I was actually sad to leave. It’s amazing, before this year, I never really thought I’d enjoy being there. Thanksgiving was a great time and their visit here to see the school and all was even a better time. While I was there this past weekend I had a wonderful and long conversation that last until the wee hours of the morning. I got to say so much that I hadn’t really thought about in any real manner. I got to verbalize so much that had been in my head.
April 21, 1999
So much to say. All kinds of things have happened since I last wrote. My visit with them showed me how much better I’ve gotten in the last few years. It was such a good feeling to know that however I was was just fine with them. I never thought in a million years that they would be able to give me the confidence they have. Every time I find myself wavering, I just think about how I want to be and I just do it.
In the past few weeks, I’ve gotten to know Katie Sheir rather well. We met casually at Hillel and one Friday night went to a party together. I didn’t drink, as usual, but she did enough drinking for the both of us. She met lots of new people, both girls and guys. The guys, however, saw that she was drunk and decided to use that to their advantage. I must add here that things probably would have gone differently if she hadn’t been drunk and hitting on them in her stooper. She even hit on me. The difference of course is that I didn’t act on her advances, like the others did. Anyway, after that we started talking on a regular basis, about once a day. Let me mention that all this started about two weeks ago. Well, after that night I kind of realized that I had a small crush on her. Ok, maybe it wasn’t so small. During all this time she was having boy trouble and sort of dating this other guy, Jason. Somewhere along the way, according to her, he turned into a dick and that’s when things between them went sour. Ok, so I thought this might be my chance. I didn’t want to move right away, because I thought that might be a little in bad taste. Well, then hat Wednesday she calls me at two-fucking-thirty in the morning and the first thing she says in a drunken state was; “I kissed Marty!”
“Wonderful,” I thought, “what could be more convenient?” The next day I saw her at some Hillel function, but I don’t remember what it was. She claims that I was acting weird, although I don’t recall acting any different than usual. This is where things start to go down hill. We talk for a little bit on Thursday and she tries to get me to tell her what’s bothering me. Being my usual self, I tell her that nothing was bothering me, although at that point all this stuff had some time to build up in my brain and I had a hard time containing my frustration. That night she calls at 4:30am wanting to talk. This time I was in no mood to give up sleep so I could express myself. So Saturday night rolls around and still nothing is resolved. I want to tell her what’s up, but I can’t force myself to. After crawling into bed I decided I can’t sleep and, thinking about how I need to express myself more, decide to write an email telling her just what I’m thinking.
Well since then, we haven’t had a real conversation about it and I think she’s avoiding the topic with me. In all honesty, it really doesn’t matter much anymore. After listening to her talk about Marty and thinking about the last few weeks, it seemed that she was just a little too immature for my tastes. As quickly as the crush had come upon me, it was gone, without a trace. All that’s left is contempt and indifference. I would still like to hear her reaction to the whole thing. I tried getting her to talk about it last night, but she kept changing the subject. Oh well, time to look elsewhere for a relationship, so what else is new?
June 22, 1999
Guess what. I’m in Minnesota. For the summer. Who would have thought? I’ve been here for about three weeks and things are going wonderfully. I can hardly believe it. I will admit that I still feel a little awkward, like I’m kind of detached from the whole thing. Conversations with dad are becoming easier and easier every day. And as each of those days passes, I find that a little of that awkwardness disappears.
Sally’s here now, for about a month. That only adds to the awkwardness that is already there for me. Her being here isn’t a bad thing in the least. I’m glad to see her. I was thinking about it this evening, and we’ve never been in this house together for more than a week, or so. I’ll be working and she’ll be working, but just the fact that we are both here is terrific. She mentioned that she and I should go out some time, just to hang out. Now in principle, I think this is a great idea. In practice, though, I think the whole thing will be very strange. While we do share some personality characteristics, we still are dramatically different. I envision the conversation, at least on my end, will most likely be forced. I won’t say no if she brings it up again, but I certainly won’t bring it up, at least not until I feel more comfortable about my surroundings.
Otherwise, I’m very happy that she and I are here at the same time. I’m just very happy to be here in general. I’m kind of sad that these things couldn’t have worked themselves out years earlier, but I know that wasn’t a possibility. I needed those years to get myself in order. I’m still working on it, for the most part, but I’m at a point where I can start interacting with those people that I had so much trouble dealing with all those years ago. With all this going on, this will make for a very interesting and important summer for me and for my relationship with dad, Janie, and Sally.
October 25, 1999
So, where should I begin? It’s been so long since I’ve written; I’m not quite sure what I should write about. I guess I’ll just start from where I left off, if I can…. The summer kicked ass! I’ve never been so happy with dad and Janie that I was this summer. I can’t even begin to express how I felt while I was there. Everyday I was happier and happier to be there. Of course there were times when I felt awkward and out of place, but that feeling didn’t last long, usually, and after a short time, I would feel better about myself.
I had lots of wonderful conversations with Janie about all sorts of things, religion, politics, love, and of course, my father. She pointed out to me more than once that what I had done in years past was terribly cruel to my dad and that all the stuff I had done had really hurt him. For example, I hardly ever sent him father’s day cards or even birthday cards. She said that it really hurt him that I never did those things. I told her that I hadn’t done it intentionally to hurt him; I just didn’t feel like I had the right to do those things. I told her that the reason I didn’t send cards or presents very often was because I didn’t want them to seem, to them or me, that I was doing it out of obligation. That’s the way I felt. I never meant it to be blatantly cruel or hurtful. I told her that I didn’t send her things for the same reason. I didn’t want anything I did to seem, to them or me, like I was doing it because I had to, not because I wanted to.
Now I can say that I want to do those things. They are my family and I love them very, very much. Take Thanksgiving, for example. I can’t wait for Thanksgiving. I want to see them again really badly. I was so sad to leave this summer, something I never thought would happen. This summer set a tone for the whole year…. I’m so much happier than I’ve ever been before. At least I was. Some of that feeling has faded in the last few weeks. For a while, though, I was flying high. Life was good. One of the most important things I left with this summer was a slogan, a motto: “What’s the worst that can happen?” Since then I’ve been trying really hard to live by that rule. Needless to say, it hasn’t worked very well. I guess I’m not at the point where I feel confident about myself to do that with any amount of ease.
So, what else is there? Oh, Becky was here last weekend, visiting. It was so nice! She was here for five days and all we did was hang out and shoot the shit. I was so happy to have her here and I was so sad when she left. What really bothers me is that I’m pretty sure now that I have feelings for her. All I wanted to do while she was here was hold her and tell her how I felt. (What’s the worse that could happen?) I wanted to ask her if she thought about how things would have been in high school if I had gone out with her, if I hadn’t been so persistent about not going to WPA with her. Everything I wanted to ask, the words would get caught in my throat. I talked briefly with Amy about it. I told her that the week, or so that Becky was here was the best week of the semester. I told Amy I wanted to tell her that I had the best time with her while she was here and that I was so sad when she left. Of course, Amy told me to go and to it. She told me that any girl would love to hear that from me and that she would be flattered. I don’t know. I’m not so sure. See, I’m afraid that if I tell her how I feel and ask her about the high school thing, that she will get creeped out by the whole thing. I think I’m going to go ahead and do it. (What’s the worse that could happen?) So maybe I’ll do that tomorrow.
School. School is going alright, I guess. With each day that passes, I feel more and more lost and disillusioned. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t know what interests me. I don’t know where I want to be after I graduate. I feel so lost. I’m so confused. I just try not to think about it and try to know that everything will work itself out.
October 26, 1999
I’m going to try to get into the habit of writing in my Journal every day. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but for some reason, never did. Now, I see that I’m so far behind on my entries that I want to make a point to do this every night before I go to bed. One of the reasons that I haven’t, I think, is that most of my days are pretty boring. There just isn’t much to write about every day. No matter. I’m going to write every night. I’ll force myself to write. I need the practice anyway….
Alright, so what is there to say tonight? Brad got a girl’s phone number today. He said that the girl came up to him at the bus stop and just started talking to him. They chatted on the bus ride home and before she got off, he got her phone number. Good for him. Now why can’t that kind of shit happen to me? I’m as attractive as he is; at least I think I am. For some reason, though, that kind of thing never happens to me. I don’t think it’s very fair. Why can’t that shit happen to me? I think I’m well overdue for some good fortune. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not really complaining about my life. I know that I have it better than a lot of people. All I’m saying is that I think I deserve that kind of stuff to happen to me. I mean, why not? I’m a nice guy. Nicer than most, actually. Take Katie for example. I do so much for her, what do I get in return? Friendship? Hey, I don’t mind friendship. I honestly consider her one of my good friends. It’s just that she spends more time with me than just about anyone else, excluding her roommates, and even that statement could be argued against. So why don’t I get a shot with her? Because she has some boyfriend that she hardly sees? What’s fair about that? She even told me that if she weren’t dating Marty, she’d want to date some other guy who she was friends with first. I forget his name. Frankly, I don’t care what his name is. I’m one of her best friends and I probably do more for her than anyone else, including Marty. So why don’t I get a chance? I’ll tell you why. I’m destined to be alone for the rest of my life.
The only other option I have at the moment is Becky. And where is she? In Lawrence. Figures. Here’s someone I would seriously consider dating and she’s 500 miles away. What’s fair about that? To tell you the truth, I have seriously considered dating Becky. There are just a few obstacles to overcome first. For instance: there’s the whole distance thing that I have going against me. It’s hard enough to keep a long distance relationship going. How the hell do I expect to start one? Here’s another problem. I don’t know what she really thinks of me. I mean, I know that she had a great time here when she came to visit and as far as I could tell, there was some flirtatious touching going on, but my intuition is useless to me when I’m the on I’m using it on. I have no idea what Becky thinks of me. I mean, I know that in high school she had a thing for me, but that was over four years ago. Who knows where I stand with her now?
As I said last night, I talked to Amy briefly about the whole thing and she made a couple of good points. I told Amy that Becky’s visit was the best week of the semester and that I miss her a lot. Amy told me that any girl would be flattered to hear that from me. I guess she’s right, but at the same time, what if Becky has no feelings for me whatsoever outside the realm of friendship. I just don’t know. The only things that make me think that she does are that she came to visit for five days. We joked; at least I thought she was joking, about her coming to visit me at school. So imagine my surprise when she actually said she was coming. I was, needless to say, ecstatic! And while she was here we had the best time just hanging out and being in each other’s company. So I think she might have feelings for me, I just don’t know.
Of course I’ve got the little voice in the back of my head, saying “what’s the worse than could happen?” In this case, the worse that could be that I scare her off and lose my friendship with her. I don’t really think that’s going to happen, but it’s something I can’t rule out for certain. Anyway, I think I’m going to try and give her a call tomorrow and tell her what’s going on in my head. Maybe I’ll get lucky. Maybe I won’t call tomorrow. We’ll see what happens.
November 1, 1999
This weekend the deadheads descended upon Oxford. I must say it was interesting to see the huge contradiction they brought with them. On the one hand, you had the little Maimi-ites, dressed to impress, as usual. On the other hand, there were the deadheads, some of them looking like they hadn’t showered in days. Each group looked at the other like they were from another planet. It was really quite interesting. I must say, I wish there were more people like that here on a regular basis.This school is so consistent, it makes me sick sometimes. They were here to see Bob Dylan and Phil Lesh, of the Grateful Dead.
They show was pretty good. Phil Lesh left something to be desired in his performance, while I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed Bob Dylan’s performance. It was really good and I’m glad that I paid the money to see it. It was also quite amusing to see how all the Miami-ites reacted to how the deadheads enjoyed the show. They all danced and were completely oblivious to all the preppie eyes staring at them, and to all the pointing and laughing. I went with Mike, Hal, Katie, Bec (one of Katie’s roommates), and Steve (a freshman and one of Katie’s friends). Katie, Bec, and Steve were so amazed by how the deadheads danced and interacted with each other. I found it quite amusing.
As quickly as they come, however, the deadheads departed from Oxford. They probably thought it was one of the sickest and scariest things they’d ever seen. They’re not really used to conformity, but conformity is the name of the game here at Miami University.
I talked to Shawn tonight. I think I’m going to visit him next weekend. I need to get out of this town for a few days. I’m going to be taking Katie and Craig with me. Anyway, he wrote an email to a bunch of people telling us that he and Erica had broken up. He didn’t give much explanation in the letter and I wanted to know exactly what had happened. Last time I had talked to him, which had been like two months, or so, ago, things had been good between them, so when I got this email, I was surprised. He told me the break-up had occurred for the same reasons he had been thinking of breaking up with her at the beginning of the summer. The reasons are too complicated to try and explain here. Needless to say, things are good between them, for the most part. Erica seems to be dealing with the whole thing rather well.
I talked to Barb the other day. She’s in Oregon, going to school part time and working. She seems to be doing really well. I had a wonderful conversation with her and just caught up on the last year, or so, since I had seen her last. She told me she’s going to be in OP during Winter Break, which will be kick ass. We’ll get to hang out and have fun, just like the old days. Listen to me. I sound like a fucking old man, whose life is behind him.
I talked to Becky yesterday. It was nice, I guess. We just shot the shit for about 20 minutes, or so. I wanted to tell her all the shit that had been going through my head, but couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even tell her that I missed her. Now, how sick is that? Something as simple as that shouldn’t be hard for me to do, and yet I can’t get the words out. Why? It really bothers me. I haven’t had to deal with this shit in a long time. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. Do I really want to date her, or is it just that we’re really good friends? I ask myself the same thing about Katie. It’s really starting to piss me off, actually. I wish I could just get my head straight and figure out what it is that I want.
November 2, 1999
Nothing of interest really happened today. Class was class, nothing exciting. About the only thing worth mentioning is a conversation I had with this woman online. Ironically, it was about true love, fate, things like that. It was really nice. Granted, she didn’t say anything that I hadn’t thought of or heard in the past, but it was good to hear it again. It was basic stuff. I’ll find my soul mate as long as I have faith and things like that. It was really nice. She was very optimistic, something I don’t encounter very often. So that’s about it, I guess. Hopefully I’ll have more to write tomorrow. Goodnight.
November 8, 1999
So, it’s been a few days since I last wrote, but I just didn’t have anything to say. And as you can tell from my last entry, when I don’t have anything to say, it just isn’t worth making an entry. Well, quite a bit has happened since then.
The last week, or so, has been really tough. I just wasn’t happy, and we all know what happens when I get depressed. I was just really pissed off at just about everything: my job, my lack of a girlfriend (or any possibility of a notion of a girlfriend), my increasing awareness of my feelings for Katie (I’ll get into that a little later), questions I have about my relationship with Becky, school, and just life in general. I was on the verge of a small breakdown. I needed to get the fuck out of Oxford. I went to Oberlin to visit Shawn. It was so nice. I didn’t do a damn thing. I just chilled, sat around and relaxed. It gave me time to think. It was just what I needed to get myself together again.
I’ve been thinking about Becky a lot. I’m sure I said all this before, but I’m going to say it again. I don’ know where I stand with her. This summer, and since I came back to school basically, her and I always joked (at least I always thought we were just joking) that she should come and visit. Now, while I really did want to her to come and visit, I just didn’t think it was feasible. She’s at school in Lawrence, has a job, and not a lot of money. So imagine my surprise when she said she had a plane ticket to come and visit me for nearly a week! Needless to say, I was excited, shocked, curious, ecstatic, and just all around thrilled by the idea.
And, as I have said before, we had a kick ass time! It was by far the highlight of my semester. Her visit could very possibly be the highlight of my whole fucking year. We bonded. We just hung out and got to know each other a little better. It was wonderful. I might even go so far as to say it was magical. When she left, we hugged like… well, I don’t know, but it was definitely something I never expected. Never. But wait, it gets better. So then I get an email from her, days later, saying that she had a wonderful time and that she wants me to come to Lawrence over winter break and spend some more time with her. Needless to say, I was floored, and a little confused. What does all this mean? Well, knowing me, I take it for more than it might be. What if she has feelings for me? I mean, if my memory serves me correctly (which it may very well not) she had a little crush on me in high school. I was, however, too paralyzed by my past relationship with Amy to do anything about it, even if I had a bit of a crush on her as well. I was just in no condition, emotionally, to deal with something like that. So what if G-d is giving me a second chance? Should I pass it up like I did the first time? The difference is, now I don’t have anyone to tell me, straight out, that is what is going on. Now I have to figure it out on my own. So what should I do? Should I ask her, straight out, what she thinks about me, emotionally? I just can’t decide. I mean, I want to, but I haven’t been able to, physically. I just don’t know. We’ve joked about things, in the same way that we joked (I thought) about her coming to visit. We talk about dating, getting married, and things like that. Now, I know full well the whole marriage thing is absolutely a joke. I’m sure she isn’t ready to get married, and I KNOW I’m not ready to get married. But it’s the notion, it’s the idea that we could date, that we could end up there someday that makes me wonder: are we really joking? So I don’t know what to do. I still have some thinking to do, but it’s my only option, if I want to get a real answer.
So now on to Katie. As I said above, part of my problem this past week, or so, has had something to do with Katie. I’ve come to realize, lately, that I do indeed have some feelings for her. As to the extent of those feelings, I can’t be sure, but I know that I do have some sort of feelings for the girl. One of the reasons I left town for the weekend, was so that I could get away from her and figure out what I should do about it. Well, the answer came to me and it was surprisingly simple: Tell her how I feel. Tell her all the shit that’s floating around in my head. She was right when she said that I owe her that. A lot of what was upsetting me related directly to her.
So when I came home, I had dinner with her. At that point, what I was feeling was undeniable. I committed to telling her everything that had gotten to me. I committed to telling her how I felt. Well, I managed to tell her everything, but how I felt. “Let’s just say…,” that is as far as I could get. Finally, she had to guess what I was trying to say. She guessed it right the first time. After that, came the real puzzle. She started so say something, then stopped and said something like, “I don’t want to get into this now,” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” It was definitely something like that. So what was she going to say? I’m not sure and I’m not going to speculate here. Later, as we were driving home, she said something else: “this is something I don’t say about anyone else, but I think the world of you.” What the fuck is that? What am I supposed to do with a statement like that? Well, needless to say, we’re going to finish the conversation.
Finally, I went on a rather long walk this evening, to try and sort all this shit out in my head. Well, all my endless babbling and rambling brought me to Alison Mayer. During the summer before our freshman year of college, Alison and I had as close to a “fling” as I’ve ever had. I was still hung up on Amy, but that summer I wasn’t exactly thinking with my brain, if you know what I mean. Every time we were together, we flirted constantly: holding hands, tickling, cuddling, etc. I’ve never been so attracted to someone, physically, before or since. Well, once night, after I left Shawnâ€™s a little early “to go home,” I stopped by her house. We played Dr. Mario for a while, then, as it always turned out, we got to tickling and touching each other. Here’s the good, or bad, part, depending on what kind of mood I’m in. We’re lying on the floor, holding hands, staring at each other, and she says it. “What are you thinking about?” Well, being the one not to show my hand prematurely, I asked her the same question. Yes, folks, I answered a question with a question. Now, here’s the kicker: “I’m thinking why you won’t kiss me.”
I don’t think I’ve ever moved so fast in my entire life. I jumped up off that floor and said, “I’ve got to go home.” What a fucking shmuck I was! What the hell was wrong with me? This hot girl wanted to kiss me, and what do I do? “I’m sorry; I’m still in love with Amy.” I’m retarded! Never before or since have I had an opportunity like that. I think if I could go back and change one thing in my life, that’s what I’d change. I wanted to kiss her. Hell, that’s just about all I could think about when we were together. But when the opportunity arose, what did I do? Put my tail between my legs and ran. Fuck me! She wanted to kiss me! She wanted to, but I couldn’t do it. How many times do you have a hot girl ask you to kiss her? Not too many. I had my chance and I blew it. Oh well, I guess the past is the past.
November 16, 1999
I don’t have a lot to say, but I thought I would write anyway and just see what comes out. So, I go to St. Paul in about a week for Thanksgiving. Let me just say how pumped I am. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to see my dad and the rest of my family. That’s about all I can think about. I just want to go. I’ll get to see everybody. The whole family is going to be there. And then, in just a few weeks I get to go home and see Barb and Becky, and everyone else of course. It’ll be so nice. I haven’t really seen a lot of Gail since last winter. I mean, I guess I saw her this summer, but not very much. I was getting ready to spend the summer in St. Paul. If I thought it would do me any good, job wise, I would go in a heart beat. But, I think instead, I’m going to spend the whole summer either here or in OP. I don’t know. I don’t really have a good reason to go home for the whole summer, except to see all my friends. Also, mom is giving me a bit of a guilt trip about not coming home this summer. She says she’s sad she doesn’t get to see me anymore. So, maybe I’ll go home this summer and find some job at the JCC, or something like that.
Onto other stuff you’ve been waiting for, Katie. Well, I don’t really know what to say that hasn’t been said, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about how I feel about her. I’m not sure where I stand on that subject, but I do know that I have some sort of feelings for her. Ok, I am at a loss for words, so I’m just going to quit while I’m ahead. That’s it for now.
November 28, 1999
After spending an unbelievable incredible five days here in Woodbury for Thanksgiving, I had a sort of revelation. Granted, it was a revelation that had been bubbling in my brain for some time, but it finally came to fruition tonight. I’ll get to that in a second, but before I reveal that, let me say a little about the feeling of these past several days. I can’t even begin to describe the time I’ve had. The whole weekend was all about family bonding. It was great. It was so uplifting. It was something magical.
A little over a year ago I remember thinking (hell, I may have even documented it in my Chronicles) that I had absolutely nothing in common with my family. I was miserable at that anniversary party. I felt like an outcast, like an outsider. Then a funny thing happened. Dad invited me to Woodbury for Thanksgiving. Since then, everything has changed. I love my family. Even more than that, I’m a part of this family. I belong to this family.
Now onto the revelation. Everyone in my family is a unique and wonderful person. I feel like I can learn so much from each of them, even Laurie. I wish I could spend more time with each and every one of them. I’m so very sad that my time with them is over. This break I’m going to work really hard to keep in touch with them. This is a vow I am making to myself. This is something I really want to do.
January 19, 2000
I have so much to say. It’s been a while since I wrote and figured that since I wasn’t going to sleep anyway, I might as well do a little catch writing in my journal. My break was wonderful. I didn’t do much of anything. I slept a lot and got to see everyone quite a bit. I even got to see Lynn and Wendy. Molly and I had lots of great bonding time, also. She was the first one I saw when I got back so I spent one of my first evenings home, hanging out with her. It was great. She had dropped out of school just before Thanksgiving break, so she had been home for a while. We just had some really great conversations about all sorts of things. By the end of the break, I felt like I had one more person I could confide in. In fact, she was the first person I talked to after I got a response from Becky in reply to a letter I gave her (I’ll get to that a little later).
Another very interesting development took place while I was at home. I had spent the last several weeks before I came home for break, thinking about my past history with Alison, and how things would have turned out if I had kissed her that night in her basement. Well, as it turns out, I got another chance over break. The first night we were all at Shawn’s and she came over with me and we were all lying on his mom’s bed. Right away she started in with the same kind of things we had done to flirt with each other those several years ago (poking me and trying to tickle me). For the first few days, I didn’t reciprocate her advances, but after recalling all the conversations I had had with myself, I decided to give it a shot again. Things went good for a while, but as the break went on I thought more and more about Becky (again, I’ll get to the whole Becky thing a little later on) and on top of that I got the distinct impression that Alison was looking for more than just a little physical fling. I was never interested in her personally. I was simply very attracted to her. I still am. Anyway, about three days before New Year’s, I decided that what I was doing wasn’t a good thing.I was leading her on and didn’t really want to. So I stopped. So during the New Year’s party I find out, from Molly, that she wasn’t supposed to let me smoke so that Alison could make her move on me. Needless to say, I saw it coming anyway, but I was still glad Molly told me. As the night progressed, and as Alison got more and more drunk, she was getting harder and harder to fend off and avoid. At around 1:00am, by which point she was completely trashed, she decided she wants to have a serious heart to heart with me, about what had been going on. I knew right away the outcome wouldn’t be pleasant. Basically, I told her that I had made a mistake. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy to hear that. In a clear-minded state, she might have taken it well, but that night she proceeded to run off and cry to Molly. I’m sorry the whole thing happened, but what else could I do?
Also, I think I got a job for the summer. It’s going to be kick ass. I’ll be working with Wendy as a co-director, of sorts, for a day camp at the JCC. It’s going to be so much fun, as well as a great learning experience. Basically, me and Wendy will be in charge of 18, or so, 6th and 7th graders. In the mornings, we will take them to do a community service project and in the afternoon we will take them to a social program. And the best part is I’ll get to spend the whole summer working with Wendy.
So, now to the part that I was saving for the end. Ever since Becky came to visit me, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. Even now, after all this has taken place, every thought that isn’t school related, has to do with her. It’s terrible. Anyway, I decided, after years of off and on feelings for her, that I did indeed have a “thing” for her. While I was home over break, I was intent on telling her how I felt, in the hopes, obviously, that she would say she felt the same way about me. How foolish I was. To continue, I put off this conversation until my last night in OP. The night before I called her to tell her that I needed to see her so I could have a very serious conversation with her. She had been out of town for a week, or so, so this would be my last chance. After confirming plans to see her the next night, I proceeded to sabotage myself. I asked where she had been for the last week. I was just curious. I had thought she had been with her family on a family trip, or something. How wrong I was. As it turns our, she had been in Virginia visiting her boyfriend. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sick so fast as I did right then. I hadn’t known she had a boyfriend. So after I got off the phone with her, I told Shawn the new circumstances. Well, he told me I should go through with my original plans, for the safe of honesty. I should have said, “Fuck honesty.” But I didn’t, instead I decided that since I lost all the bravery I had summoned over the course of the break, I would write her a letter and give it to her before I left. That way I could at least get all the things I wanted to say to her off my chest. A week later I got a short response. Both the letter I gave her, as well as her brief response follows immediately at the end of this entry. Anyway, she basically said that she didn’t share my feelings for her. Figures, what a big surprise! She proceeded to tell me that I was one of her best friends and that she didn’t want our friendship to change in anyway. Wonderful, this is exactly what I wanted to happen! So I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this whole situation. It’s sort of funny, if you think about it. In fact, shortly after I ready her very short response, I started laughing. Katie was a little surprised and asked me why I was laughing. I couldn’t explain it to her. The irony was overwhelming. In the previous two months I had acquired the interests of two girls, one here in Oxford, and Alison in OP. And, of course, neither of which I was slightly interested in. The one girl I wanted to say, (finally I had found one) was taken. It just doesn’t get any funnier than that. Some good sitcom writers could make that into one hell of a funny episode. And it was happening to me. I just couldn’t help but laugh. Of course, it wasn’t too soon after that I broke into tears. It just wasn’t fair. Why does this shit always happen to me? Anyway, I am still waiting for a little more detailed response from Becky in regards to my letter. Hopefully, I’ll hear from her tomorrow. If not, I’m going to call. I need to have it out with her. I’m not letting this one go without at least a bit of a fight. I’ll keep you informed as to the outcome. Right now, I’m going to bed.
Both letters were moved to the Letters section of the Chronicles
February 1, 2000
So I’m officially a nicotine addict. I’m almost up to one pack of cigarettes a day. Yea me! I’ve just been pretty unhappy since I got back to school. Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve been unhappy since I got the response from Becky. Things just don’t seem to go my way very often. I guess Debbie still has a thing for me, which is a little awkward, since I don’t really have any feelings for her, nor am I interested in pursuing a relationship with her, at all. That really isn’t that big of a deal, I’m over the whole ordeal, so I don’t really spend that much time thinking about it. It’s just a little ironic to me that the only girl interested in me at all, I’m not interested in. What kind of sick fucking joke is that?
I think this whole Becky thing is really getting to me. I don’t know if it’s her, exactly, that is bothering me so much, or it it’s just the situation in general. It just doesn’t seem fair to me. After all these years (since Amy) I finally find a girl who I am really interested in, and just a few weeks before I get up the nerve to tell her how I feel, she does and finds herself a boyfriend. What’s worse is that I knew what the outcome would be. I know that everyone says I had no way of knowing, that there was no way in hell I could know absolutely, but somehow I just did. And on top of that, Shawn and Molly had me convinced otherwise. I feel so stupid about the whole thing.
Now, I think the whole thing (plus other things, I’m sure) is keeping me from sleeping at night. I mean, I used to have as much trouble sleeping as the next guy. But now, it seems to be much worse. During the week, I can’t seem to get more than a few hours sleep at a time and can’t fall asleep until after 4am. It makes the weeks really rough. The only reason I get any more sleep on the weekends, is because I can just roll over and go back to sleep, until I feel like getting up.
I’m more depressed lately than I have been in a long time. I forgot how much I hate being like this. It really bothers me. Just the fact that I’m this depressed only seems to add to it. And now, on top of that, I’ve finally found a girl here that I want to pursue, and I don’t even think she is the least bit interested. I met her at a party we had here last Friday (Jan 28). She’s very cute, even beautiful. I got up the balls to ask her to have lunch with me, and to my surprise, she accepted. Then, tonight, online, I told her what a good time I had, and she had no response. Not even a “me too.” Figures. How’s that for irony? So, now I’m not sure what to do about her. By the way, her name is Julie. Very cute. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll ask Val about it. This is why I hate this shit. I’m just not very good at it.
Also, Mike seems to think that his sister has a thing for me. I can’t see how, though. I’ve only met her once, and that was a year ago. I’ve only talked to her online two or three times. Sure she thinks I’m cute. Everyone thinks I’m fucking cute! I hate it! Babies are cute. Puppies are cute. Girls want guys who are attractive, handsome, and hot. All they want cute guys for are friends. So what good does that do me? I hate that fucking word: cute! It’s just not fair. So, anyway, I’m going to this big ball with Leigh (Mike’s sister). I mean, I’m looking forward to it. I’ve got a tux rented and everything. I think it will be fun, but while everyone else thinks something will happen, I am keeping my senses. It’s going to end up like it always does. “Let’s just be friends.” They’re not going to convince me otherwise this time. I already got fooled once this year. Let’s try to hold off the next huge embarrassment for a little while longer if we can.
Well, that’s about all I have to say for now. There are some things that need to be said about Katie, but I don’t really feel like writing any more tonight, so we will have to save that story for another night. Maybe even tomorrow. Just wait and see.
February 8, 2000
I don’t even know where to begin. The last week and a half, or so, has been interesting, to say the least. I guess I should make this a story, of sorts. I’m not quite sure how to go about putting this down on paper. I guess I’ll just jump in.
I guess I should start two Fridays ago. We threw a party at our place for Hal’s 21st birthday. It was a kick ass party, by far the best one we’ve thrown here yet. We had all kinds of people there, including Katie, of course. And, of course, she was quite drunk. To this point, she had done a few things that made me question her morals. The specifics don’t really matter; let’s just say all these things reached a breaking point at that party.
In her drunken state, she hooked up with two, or so people. Needless to say, neither of them were me, but we’ll get to that later. Granted, her relationship with Marty was on the way out, but I’m not sure that should really matter.
All these things finally got to me and I didn’t really want to be friends with her anymore. I started avoiding her and that’s where things got messy. She didn’t know why I was so mad and when I told her what I was thinking, she got very upset. In the midst of my hating her and being so bothered by the whole thing, she came to a realization.
She had feelings for me. Incredible, I know. After having a crush on her, on and off mostly since I met her, it seems now that the tables have turned. I’ve always said that I thought I had feelings for her, but that I didn’t really think I could date her. In the midst of all this, I’m questioning that conclusion. But why? It is because she has feelings for me, now, and ire ally want a girlfriend? Or, is it that I’ve always wanted to date her, but didn’t realize it? I mean during all this time, it turns out she had feelings for me, but didn’t realize it. So would it be that messed up if I came to a similar realization?
So, it would seem the next logical question to ask is: where do we go from here? Before we get to that, let me do a little explaining…. I know what her realization would be before she did: about midway through last week. I guess I shouldn’t say “knew,” but rather suspected. My suspicions were confirmed by over hearing a conversation between her and Brad. After hearing just his half of their conversation, I knew what the problem was. I knew why she was so upset by my reaction. She didn’t actually tell me how she felt until last night.
So I ask again, where do we go from here? So many questions. Do I pursue this? Does she want to pursue this? How does this affect what I think about her at the moment? Could I forgive myself if I don’t look into this? If I do pursue this, what would the outcome be? Am I really ready to be in a relationship? For that matter, is she ready to be in a relationship, after all that has happened between her and Marty? Is it even worth pursuing? I mean what would the relationship be like?
This is just so bazaar! I would never have imagined things would work out like this. I just don’t know what to do, or how to proceed.
So now, let me get into that thing I was putting off. Brad pointed out that one of the reasons I was so mad, was that, like I said, neither of those two people she made passes at was me. I will admit I was a little jealous. Maybe, even more that a little, but I do know that wasn’t a primary factor in my reaction. It may have been, though, and added bonus, so to speak. I mean they do say that a drunk person’s words and actions are a sober person’s thoughts. So, if that is indeed the case, why wasn’t I one of those two people she hit on at the party? Maybe it’s because this wasn’t even a thought in her head at that point. That seems to be a very reasonable conclusion to me.
And the thing that sort of pisses me off, is the fact that I now find it hard to be mad at her. I mean, what she did, drunk or not, was still wrong. So why, knowing that she has feelings for me, am I finding it hard to stay mad? It seems quite apparent to me that she and I need to have a very serious conversation. It could very easily be the most important conversation we’ve had to this point. Who knows what the outcome will be, but I’ll sure keep you posted.
February 14, 2000
So… this is obviously about the whole situation with Katie. No real progress has been made since my last entry, which is somewhat aggravating. We did have a “chat” last Friday, but we really didn’t come to any real conclusion. As it happens, she doesn’t want to be in a real relationship, which was part of the problem with Marty. We did agree, I think, that we weren’t sure where we wanted to go with this, but that things couldn’t, for seemingly obvious reasons, remain as they are now. Somehow, that isn’t very satisfying for me. I still feel like nothing has been resolved.
It’s hard for me to tell whether or not she feels the same way. If I had to guess, though, knowing her, she probably feels the issue has been resolved. I feel like G-d has, in a way, given me what I’ve wanted since Amy, but in a teasing sort of way. “Here, here’s what you’ve been asking for. Oh, wait, but I’m going to keep it just out of your reach, at least for a little while longer.” It’s like I’m a rabbit running on a treadmill, chasing a fucking carrot. This is just all so damn frustrating.
I talked to Shawn about it, but that was early on, when I was still quite freaked out and surprised by the whole thing. Now, after having brooded over it for a week, I am more comfortable with the whole notion, but now I just want it to be resolved. I want us to decide, one way or the other, where we’re going to go form here. I’m not quite sure what to do. Or, should I try and make subtle moves, to persuade her into wanting more in a relationship with me? If I take the second path, what would I do, exactly, to persuade her?
February 15, 2000
As it turns out, well it’s turned out the way it always does. She’s just not physically attracted to me. Figures. So, it sounds like this is the primary reason she doesn’t want to date me. So, as always, I’m the friend, good friend, and best friend, whatever. I’m the nice guy everyone wants to be friends with, but who no one is interested in, personally. I’m cute, and adorable and “carebear-ish,” but not “attractive.” So, it seems my theory holds true, still.
“Girls don’t want the nice, cute guy. They all are looking for some hot asshole to sweep them off their feet.”
Fuck them! And that leaves me with the consolation prize, again. Whoopie! I get to be the good friend, best friend, whatever. I get to watch while the girls I’m interested in date other guys. And, in some of those situations, I even get to give wonderful advice to them, so their relationships can be that much better. That’s what friends are for. No, I’m not bitter! Not at all! Not even a little! So I’m right back where I started.
February 20, 2000
I’m going to rant here, but I feel the need to vent and that’s partly what a journal is for. I’m also quite sure that I’m going to repeat myself several times, but like I said, I feel the need to vent. Actually, I’m not quite sure where to start. I was much more intent on writing last night, but was tired and drunk. It’s just not fair. I get the apparent opportunity to get myself a girlfriend, someone I’ve thought about a lot since I met her, but it seems the opportunity isn’t there after all. It’s quite apparent, from previous entries, who I’m talking about: Katie. Since I found out, since she told me her feelings for me, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. How could someone have feelings for someone else, but not want to do anything about it? I mean, if she really did have feelings for me, then wouldn’t she want to do something about them? Wouldn’t she want to try it out and see where things went?
You want to know what I think? I think she doesn’t want to rock the boat. I don’t think she wants to take the chance that things might go bad. I think she’s afraid that we wouldn’t work out, and that the outcome might be bad. Honestly, I’m not sure what I think. I know, well maybe not know, but I think I want to give it a shot. I think I at least want to try it out and see what happens. I’m not sure I could date her, without her making some major concessions. I’m not Marty. The way she dealt with her relationship with him, would never fly with me. I know I wouldn’t be as demanding as he was, about seeing her all the time, but I also would want a decent about of her time. That’s what being in a relationship is all about. If she really has feelings for me, then I would think she would be willing to make those concessions.
What pisses me off is the fact that she doesn’t find me the least bit attractive. According to Brad, that’s the main reason she doesn’t want to date me. She says that isn’t the case at all, but I’m starting to think it is. Yesterday she called and asked me to take her to Kroger so she could do some shopping for Erin. Being the nice guy that I am, I said ok. First of all, she woke me up, and I’m never a happy person right after I wake up, but the fact that I had to, once again, be her taxi service, didn’t add to my happiness. I was cranky and depressed and pissed off, and she could tell. I’ll admit that I’m pretty easy to read. On top of all this, she started commenting about my hair and new, well not so new, smoking habit. According to her, my hair was too long and she wanted me to cut it. Well, fuck her! Then she started in on my smoking. Apparently, I smoke too much and I should stop. It’s a disgusting habit and it would kill me. As if I didn’t already know all that. I told her I didn’t care and I had no reason to stop, blah, blah, blah.
So, I get the impression that, if I stopped smoking and cut my hair, her attitude might be different. Anyway, I did cut my hair, but not because she thought I should, but because I thought it was a little long. I saw her last night, uptown, and she was so excited I had cut it. You know what; it really isn’t worth thinking about. Nothing is going to happen and she’ll probably end up dating Brian, Marty’s roommate. Good for him. Fuck him! Fucker her! I need a cigarette.
February 26, 2000
A fit of depression. I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. Honestly, I don’t even think I’ve been this miserable since high school. I’ve done a complete 180. I’ve gone from barely sleeping at all, to want to sleep all the time. When I get depressed, it’s pretty apparent to everyone around me. I get cranky, I get unhappy, and it shows. The other night I went on a two our walk, which was very nice. It was so beautiful outside, and besides that, I felt the need to get out of this house and just do some walking. Anyway, when I came back, Brad and Hal started asking questions. Really, the only time I go walking is when I need to do some thinking. Hal knows this, and now, so does Brad.
In most circumstances, I would be willing to talk about it (after some prodding, anyway), but this is different. There is nothing they can do to help me. There really isn’t anything anyone can do to help me. And I know talking about it won’t help, because it will only make me more unhappy. So, I didn’t say anything to them about what’s going on, and instead, went to bed. Hal felt the need to call Katie, to see if she knew what was going on, and of course she didn’t, but now she knows there is something wrong. The question is: should I tell her what’s going on, or not?
Here’s the dilemma. I know, pretty definitively, that no matter what I say, it won’t change her stance on the situation. Somehow, though, I feel like I need to tell her that she is the main reason I’m miserable. I know there is nothing that she can do about it, that would me she would actually have to change herself, and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m not even asking her to do that. I wouldn’t want her to. At the same time, though, seeing her on a regular basis and talking to her makes things difficult for me. I sort of relate it to Amy, but don’t I do that with most things? After we broke up, I was so unhappy, but I knew I wanted us to be friends. I just had to go through my angry and pissed off stage, before I could start thinking straight. Gail is a good example, too. When I had my crush on her and things weren’t going to work out, I just didn’t want to see her. Out of sight, out of mind, right? So it seems that may be the only option here. Even though I think about her all the time, if didn’t have to see her or talk to her, in time, all this would pass.
So what should I do? If I tell her, that could most definitely make things worse for me. And for her, for that matter. Shawn tells me that being honest always helps. Well, I’m not sure if I buy that or not. I mean, look at what happened with Becky. There seems to be this terrible strain on our friendship, since I told her how I felt. I’m sure things will get back to normal, its just going to take time, that’s all. And, speaking of Becky, that brings up another very good point I hadn’t really thought of until just now.
A month and a half ago, I thought I had a thing for Becky. I felt certain of it. I definitely thought there was a connection there. I was wrong. I was heartbroken. About a month later, I find I have another opportunity, and all of a sudden, I want to pursue Katie. Am I fickle? I’ve never had to deal with this before. Usually, it takes months upon months; years even; to find someone else I think I’m interested in. In this case, it took almost no time at all. Granted, the circumstances are more bazaar than they’ve ever been in the past. At the same time, though, I told Katie I had feelings for her before I decided I had a thing for Becky. So is Katie really the one I should have been pursuing from the start?
Do I tell her what’s going on, or not? Once again, I need advice from the great and all knowing Shawn. At this point, I think I just want to tell her. I definitely need to tell someone, and I think she’s the only one I can tell that will make me feel the least bit better. I will ask his advice, I think. Oh, I don’t know. I’m tired of writing. I’m tired of dealing with this. I just want to go to bed.
March 7, 2000
Spring break starts Friday for me. I’m so excited to go home and just relax. I’m also going to St. Paul for a few days at the beginning of break. That will be really nice. Hopefully, it’ll make me feel better about my life. While I’m home, I’ll check in to the camp job at the JCC. I’m pretty sure I have the job, I mean, I can’t think of a single reason why they wouldn’t hire me. Just to be safe, though, I’m going to talk to Steve and get him to give me an answer one way or the other. I need to know, because, if for some reason they don’t hire me, I’ve got look in to finding a job elsewhere this summer, or think about staying here and taking classes and getting a job here.
Also, while I’m at home, I will get to see Molly. The two of us have seriously bonded since winter break. We had some great conversations while I was home and now I talk to her more that I’m talking to Becky, which isn’t saying much. So that means that we’re just going to do more bonding while I’m home. I’m really looking forward to it. I really enjoy talking to her. We have some great conversations. I know consider her one of my very close friends. It’s just so nice.
Alright, so enough procrastinating. Onto the topic at hand: Katie. Shawn was here over the weekend and Friday night we went to Diner at Kona, to see Katie while she was working. It was nice, and as we were leaving, he asked me what was going on with her. I’m not sure why he asked then, I guess I should ask him. Anyway, I think he saw the same thing I saw. She saw giving off some strange vibes. I mean she’s always friendly, but Friday night, and since then, actually she’s bee, I don’t know, just strange. Maybe it’s just me looking for something hopeful. Who knows?
The question that’s been on my mind since last week is: what did Katie thing, or hope, would happen when she told me she how she felt? I mean, she knew that I sort of had feelings for her, so what did she think was going to happen? She’s said, over and over again, that she doesn’t want to date anyone, including me, but that doesn’t make much sense to me. How could you have feelings for someone and not want to do anything about it? Does she really expect us to be friends, with all that we’ve said to each other? Well, she seems to.
I wanted to take her out to dinner last night, so I could ask her about all this, but this week just happens to be a week from hell for her. She jus has so much work to do. Figures, right? So now, with just a few days before spring break, I’m not sure I’m going to get the opportunity to ask her about this before I leave. I’m sure I won’t think about it too much while I’m home, but I would like to have some sort of conversation with her about it. I haven’t quite figured out when exactly I’m going to get the opportunity to do this, or even what I’m going to say, if I do get the chance.
So, once again, I’ve written another entry about Katie. It’s kinda sick, isn’t it? I just feel like this is the only opportunity I’m going to have at having a girlfriend, so I really want to give it a shot. If we don’t work out, personally, I’m sure our friendship won’t suffer, at least not in the long run, but I know I at least want to try. I don’t know why she doesn’t, but I really want to find out. Hopefully, I’ll get to talk to her before spring break. Keep your fingers crossed.
March 29, 2000
So, I saw Ally McBeal the other night. One of the main characters, Billy, died of a brain tumor. It was unexpected, but a very good episode. He started seeing things, visions, hallucinations, that he couldn’t explain. He and Ally McBeal had been lovers in the past, before he left for law school. After she graduated law school, she came to work at the law firm he was working at and found him to be married. At this point, I’m not quite sure what else to say. Throughout the last season they had their ups and downs. She was still in love with him, but he wasn’t with her, or so it seemed. But in this latest episode he realized he was still in love with her.
I’m trying to remember what he kept saying to her right before he died. It was something like, “I love you with my whole heart, always and forever.” Then he died. And I’m not quite sure what it’s affected me this way. I’m not depressed, so to speak, but I feel sort of blah and empty. It just makes me think; all this time he was married to someone whom he loved, but not with this whole heart. And she didn’t think she still loved him, so she was looking for love elsewhere. I think that what bothers me is the notion that they were still right under each other’s noses all this time, but didn’t realize how they felt about each other until it was too late.
What does that say about me? Where should I be looking for love? Is my soul mate right under my nose and I don’t even know it? How am I supposed to know? Am I going to find out too late? I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. First I thought it was Amy. Now I seem to think its Becky. What am I supposed to do? I don’t really think its Amy anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I mean I love her to death, but don’t think I’m in love with her anymore. Becky, on the other hand, is a different story. I really do think (at least for the time being) that she is the one for me. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to think so. What else is new?
She’s dating a guy who is currently living in Spain. Now what kind of fucking luck is that? I think I’ve known her longer than he has and I’m certainly living a lot closer than he is. It doesn’t seem to make any difference, though. She just wants to be friends. Big surprise. It’s just not fair. When do I get my shot? Am I ever going to get my break?
This latest episode has me feeling icky. I’m definitely not depressed, at least not like I am usually, but I feel sort of empty. It’s like this episode took something from me. I don’t know what it is and I’m not sure if I can get it back. The strange thing is, I whish I could see it again. Even though it had a depressing undertone, there was something sort of enlightening about it. I mean it’s all about what I’ve been looking for and what I’m still looking for: a soul mate.
April 1, 2000
It’s been a long day. Not that I did much, in fact, I slept most of the day. I had a bad dream last night and it’s really been bothering me. It wasn’t scary, or demented, or anything like that. In fact, it was very nice. I wish I hadn’t awakened from it. It was another one of those dreams where I find someone to love, and they love me. These dreams always affect me. I’m just not happy. That’s about all it comes down to. That’s the main reason I slept all day. Granted, I was tired, but if I hadn’t been so miserable, I would have found something else to do, or I just wouldn’t have slept. I just hate these dreams, because when I wake up, I find just how much I hate my life.
This dream was different from the others of the same type. This time, instead of me finding someone whom I love, it was exactly the opposite. She loved me first, than I grew to love her. It was just a weird dream. To begin with, she was in a sorority, which just strikes me as strange, considering what I think about fraternities and sororities. I couldn’t quite place the setting, either. I mean, I obviously was at college, but not here. The place was really familiar to me, though.
I’m not sure how to describe the setting. I mean, I know that however I describe it, I won’t do it justice. I can still picture it all in my head, fairly accurately, but I don’t know how to put it into words. Dreams that have this kind of effect on me I don’t usually forget. I mean, all the little details I’m sure I’ll forget, but I don’t know if there is anything I can do about that. As for all the good stuff, I know I won’t forget any of that. So I guess I’ll just end this entry like this: I feel like crying. All I can think about is going to sleep, in the hopes that I can have that dream again.
May 7, 2000
Another year behind me. What a weird year it’s been. I have so many mixed feelings; I’m not quite sure what to say or how to say it. I’m so depressed. I hate all this stuff. Four years ago, I had all these same feelings. So many of my friends are gone. They’re off to the real world to start their lives. I’m still here. I feel like I’m missing something inside me. I can’t describe it and I don’t know how to replace it. So many people aren’t coming back next year. It’s horrible. Even those people that I didn’t think I’d miss that much, like Jamie Klausner and Lauren Wolf, I find myself thinking about. I don’t know what else to say. I felt the need, however, to at least make an effort to put my thoughts down in this entry.
My life, as I’ve always known it is coming to an end. Today was just the first step. Friends graduating, leaving me here, pretty soon, it’ll be my turn. The last days of school are quickly approaching. I don’t like thinking about it, so I try and put my mind a little more in the present: the summer, the last few days before I leave to go home. I made so many good friends this year. I know I’ll see them again next year, but I still miss them now.
The girls: Val, Amelia, and Julie. I knew Val last year. We just got to be much better friends this year. The funny thing is I don’t think it ever would have happened if Hal hadn’t been working. We bonded. It was great. I feel like I made a really, really good friend in her this year. I can’t wait for next year. Amelia just kicks so much ass. She’s just so cool and she always cracks me up. She loves the Dixie Chicks, which, as we all know, is country music, so I never really wanted to listen to it. One night the three of them got me to listen to the whole CD, which isn’t really bad at all. Now, every time I listen to it, I think of Amelia and picture her singing along in her room. Of all the people who I will get to see in the fall, I think I’ll miss her the most this summer.
Then of course there’s Julie….
May 18, 2000
So much has happened since I wrote last. I haven’t even finished the last entry yet, so let me do that, and then I’ll get into everything else.
Then, of course, there’s Julie. I met her at the same party I first met Amelia. She was so quiet and shy. It was a month or two before I saw her again. Then, when I started hanging out with Val, I also started hanging out with Amelia and Julie. Julie is such a little hottie. From the first time I saw her, I had a little crush. She was just so cute, and nice. Now that I know her a little better, I’m not sure how I feel. I mean she’s smart, but she’s also a little ditzy. She also has issues with guys; I’ve come to find out.
She’s apparently interested in this guy who’s she’s been friends with for a while. They’ve sort of dated, and I guess it’s never really worked out, even though Val tells me that they still have feelings for each other. She says the guy is fairly immature. Julie even says he’s a jerk most of the time. Someone needs to explain to me why all the jerks wind up with all the nice girls. Julie tells me he treats her badly sometimes, but every now and then he can be a really sweet guy. So, what’s wrong with me? I know for a fact that I would treat her so much better than this other ass, but she doesn’t want me, or does she?
The Monday before I came home from school, her and I were chatting online and we came to a lull in the conversation, so I told her she could ask me anything she wanted to know about me, and the very first question she asked was, “is there anyone you’re interested in?” What am I supposed to think about a question like that? It surprised the hell out of me, so I said I was interested in a few people, but didn’t say she was one of them. Once I got home, I asked around a little, so see if I was completely off base about my thoughts about her question. It seems I wasn’t. The way I see it, the only time I ask that about someone, is if I’m interested in that person. So was she asking me that because she was interested, or simply because she was curious? Everyone I talked to said it could be one or the other. Molly told me she thought that was a pretty bold question for a girl to be asking. So, I finally got to ask Val about it, and she said it could be either. She told me that Julie might very well be interested. Val also said that she would be surprised if Julie was just asking a random question, which really didn’t have any underlying reasoning, other than she was curious.
Who knows? All I know is there might be a chance. If that is indeed the case, then I’m not going to give up. I don’t know if there is anything there between me and her, but I’m going to keep at it and try to find out. Good stuff, huh? As for the rest, I think I’ll save it for tomorrow. I’m kinda tired and want to sleep.
August 30, 2000
I’m not quite sure what to say. I feel like I have so much to say, I’m just not quite sure where to start, or how to put it into words. Actually, I don’t really feel like getting into it. I’m tired of talking about it; I’m tired of thinking about it. Guess what it’s about… Katie. Surprised? I’m not. Sometimes I wish I had never met her, or become so close to her. Things would be so much easier now, if that were the case. My life would be less interesting, but at least I wouldn’t have this to think about all the damn time.
Alright, I guess I’ll get into it, but I’m going to try and make it as brief as possible. I’m sure it’s in here somewhere, but about eight or nine months ago, Katie and I had a falling out. In retrospect, I’m not really sure what it was about, all I know is that we stopped talking to each other. I do know, however, that it has something to do with what she said to me shortly after Charter Day, last year. She said she had feelings for me. Like I said, this is probably in here already, and I don’t really feel like repeating myself, so on with the story.
The problem I’m having at present is this: after all that has happened, I think I still have feelings for her. This really pisses me off! How, after all that has happened, after all I have had to put up with, and all the shit that has come out of her, can I still feel for her? Who knows? I’ve always been a little fucked up. This only adds to the long list of evidence to support that. Anyway, we’ve had one conversation about all this stuff, but we still need to have one more.
When she said she had feelings for me, we never really discussed what that meant and what ramifications a statement like that had on both of us. I told her, at the end of our last conversation, that the next time we would talk would have to be on her terms. I had brought up this topic twice before and got shrugged off both times. If she really wants to resolve this, if there is any chance left for a friendship, at the least, between us, then she would have to bring it up with me. In all honesty, I really don’t think this is going to happen. When it comes right down to it, I don’t think she wants to deal with it. She’d just as soon forget the whole damn thing. Figures. Women. Selfish bitches.
Since we’ve been back at school, I really haven’t given her the time of day, but then the same goes for her, as well. She, however, has been accusing me of, get this, “ignoring her.” What a load of crap. Granted, I haven’t really put any effort into conversing with her, but then I said that’s what would probably happen. At the same time, though, you’d think if she were so bothered by it, she would make the effort to come to me. But, of course, this has not been the case.
I keep waiting for her to call and say she’s ready to talk. The fact that I can’t stop thinking about this is really bothering me. But, I have every intention of sticking to my guns. I’m not bringing this up to her. It’s her turn. If she feels she doesn’t want to get into it, ever, fine, but refuse to put up with this “ignoring her” shit and I’ve told her that.
We’ll see what happens. Now it’s time for bed….
September 12, 2000
It’s been two weeks since my last entry. And, amazingly enough, a lot has happened. Some of it has actually been good, at least to some extent. Let’s go though it in chronological order. It’s just easier for me that way.
The Sunday before Labor Day, I went with Hillel to the fireworks show in Cinci. It was a lot of fun, but then it always is. As always, there was a bunch of freshman there. The fireworks are always one of the first “big” programs of the year. Anyway, to continue, I met Iris there, briefly, anyway. Then afterwards, she came back with Hal to our place to watch Fight Club. I was in the middle of a not sleeping period, so after the movie was over and Hal went to bed….
September 29, 2000
I hate me! That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Oh, let me add one more thing: I hate everyone else, to some varying degree. It’s not fair. I hate me! I hate that I’m a nice guy! I hate that I’m cute! I hate that I’m short, round, and apparently, carebear-ish! I wish I would just get hit by oncoming traffic. I don’t even think I would care if I wasn’t killed. Granted, it would definitely be a bonus, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I weren’t. Just think how much simpler my life would be if I were horribly disfigured. Not only would I no longer be cute, or carebear-ish, but I’d be even more bitter than I am now. Imagine that! That being the case, I wouldn’t be a nice guy anymore, either. Wouldn’t that be grand? Maybe I’ll go find a busy intersection right now. I think I might be through being a nice guy! Maybe I’ll try being an asshole for a while and see where it gets me. Odds are it wouldn’t get me very far, because I’d still be cute and carebear-ish. I actually think it might be fun to be an asshole. I mean, I can be, and I am, sometimes when I’m pissed off or crabby or depressed. It feels so good. It’s a great stress reliever, almost as good as hitting walls and doors.
I wish I were just invisible, or just didn’t exist at all. Imagine how much simpler my life would be if no one knew I was around. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with all this shit. I’m so pissed off! I really kinda just wanna kill somebody. I don’t really even care who. It doesn’t really matter to me. As far as I’m concerned, they’re all the same to me. What difference does it make if it’s some random shlub, or Katie, who I’m getting more resentful of by the minute? If I had never met her, things would be fine now. I just think G-d was getting tired of fucking with other people and thought he’d come back to fucking with his favorite practical joke: me. Why would he give me this girl, who can make me so completely and totally happy at times and, at others, can make me so completely angry and bitter? What good is person like that? What’s the point of a relationship like that? Should I even bother? Is anything going to come out of it? Will there ever come a time when I can just be happy with her, or will it always be like this? Damn it! Just shoot me now, please….
September 30, 2000
So, tomorrow I head back to Oxford, after spending the weekend in Cleveland with Val’s family. It’s been a really nice weekend, all things in perspective. I’m still unhappy. I’m still angry. I’m still bitter and jealous of Hal and those girls he seems to find. Me, I can’t find one good one. Sometimes, I think Katie is a good one, but most of the time I think she’s more trouble than she’s worth. And that brings me to the point of this entry. Friday, before I left for the weekend, I left a note for her at her house. I was hoping she would get to read it before she left for the weekend, but she left that morning. Part of me is relieved I just did it. I was tied of thinking about it and just wanted to get it out of my head, so she could see it. Most of me, though, just doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. I just don’t have the strength anymore, to deal with this back and forth stuff. I know we’re going to have to get into it, at least, I think we will. Hell, for all I know she won’t ever even acknowledge the fact that she got it. I’m sure as hell she won’t bring it up. But, like I said, most likely we’ll get into it.
In that confrontation, two things, at least, will happen. First, I will say everything I haven’t said. I don’t even care anymore. Second, tomorrow, I’m going to email Shawn and lay everything out for him, then ask him what he would do in that situation, if he were ever in it. Then I’m going to do whatever he would do and leave it at that. I just need some serious help in this situation. I don’t know what to do. So, I’ll get his advice and do whatever he suggests, whatever it is. I don’t care. I think he knows what he’s talking about and I respect his opinion. I need someone who is more objective than me. I have no more objectivity in this situation anymore. I need help. So that’s the plan. Hopefully, it will pay off. If not, I’ll come up with my own course of action, which will most likely be to just cut all contact with her. Katie just causes me too much pain, in one way or another.
January 21, 2001
Wow, it’s been a long while since I actually wrote something just for this journal. I have so much to sum up that I really wish I had written earlier. So much has happened since the last time I wrote. It seems like a whole lifetime ago. My life has fallen apart and is now in the process of being rebuilt.Where do I begin? I guess the best to start would be in chronological order. Alright, I’ll get started because it’s late and I sorta want to go to bed.
Looking back at the last several entries, I find there are a lot of gaps where some very important stuff is missing. Its now 4am and I don’t really feel like going back and filling in details, besides, that sort of takes away from the whole “daily journal” thing. So, I’m just going to leave it for now and go on with al that has happened in the last four or five months.
I finally broke all ties with the infamous Katie last November, shortly before Thanksgiving break. Something had happened several weeks before that shattered the image of mental health I had built for myself. First, let me back up a little more. When I came back to school last fall, Katie and I still weren’t really on good terms. Shortly thereafter, her and I sat down and had a long talk about the terrible way she had dealt with the whole situation between her and I (namely that we had feelings for each other). Surprisingly enough, it was at that last meeting that she said she still had feelings for me, even after all the time we had spent not talking to each other. What was so amazing to me at the time was that she said it. I didn’t tell her I still had feelings for her, which I think I did. She said it to me, first! I was floored, but I tried not to let her see that. I told her that we had to work on our friendship before we could even begin to talk about a “relationship.” She agreed and we left it at that, but not for very long.
Back to early November. I, all of a sudden, it seemed, decided that I really did still have rather strong feelings for her and that I wanted a relationship with her. This, being just weeks after our talk, was very hard for me to deal with and very frustrating for me. I didn’t want to be just friends. Friends was just killing me. I decided that it had to be all or nothing for me. As much as I valued her friendship, it was just too hard on me to not be in a relationship with her. I tried to tell her this in person, but as always, I choked and sent a letter instead. It was about this same time that my “mental breakdown” began to take shape.
As I’m sure I’ve already said in previous entries, I was falling about and Katie was a fairly direct cause. Maybe I should clarify and say that my friendship with Katie was a direct cause. I was miserable and it was affecting everything I was doing. I told her that I was very depressed and that I was going to seek therapy. I also told her that this was something that I really wanted to talk to her about, this and the “relationship” thing. On more than one occasion, she told me she was concerned and wanted to talk with me about it. Also, on more than one occasion, she ditched me or stood me up. After this happened a few times, I decided that I had had enough. This brings us back up to Thanksgiving break. I left a note for her, which she didn’t get until she came back from break, but it basically told her all the problems I was having and made mention of the fact that I was very irritated by the fact that she had stood me up so many times.
Ok, so, shortly after break I went to her house and asked her about the last time she had stood me up. She said, first, that she didn’t remember, then that she had to work that night, then finally, that she had had a lot of school work to do that night and couldn’t have made time for me. After lying to me three times in two minutes, I told her “we’re done.” That didn’t seem to bother her so much, and that really bothered me. I didn’t understand how someone who could have said that they cared so much for me have dropped my so quickly and carelessly. Needless to say, I spent the next couple of days in bed, or not far from it.
Not long before winter break, I sent her a very nasty note, telling her exactly what I thought of her and that I never wanted to see or talk to her again. Ok, now jump ahead to four nights ago. She IMs me out of the blue. We have a class together this semester and she wants things to be “not super-uncomfortable.” Ok, I’m getting tired so I’m going to try and speed things up a bit. She said she wanted to try and work things out and I told her that I’d be willing to, but only when she wanted to. I wasn’t making plans to meet her and talk with her. I’d done that too many times to know better. She’s already said we’d get together once and that obviously didn’t happen. I’m trying really hard not to let this consume me and I think I’m doing a rather good job so far. Who knows if she’ll call again or not? I’m only going to give her a very limited number of chances.
I don’t want her to keep calling me saying “I’ll call you tomorrow,” or, “I’ll call you later this evening,” or something of the sort. I refuse to be played yet again by her. I figure I’ll give her two more chances, not telling her that, of course. If she really wants to try and work things out between us, then I’m willing to humor her, but only for so long. If anything, it will be very entertaining. In my opinion, I don’t think there is any hope for any kind of friendship between us. I just can’t trust her. I can’t believe that nay friendship we would rebuild would be different that our previous friendships and I’m not putting myself into those situations again. She’s just not worth it, of that I’m sure. So, two more chances, then I’ll tell her to stop calling me. Stop IM’ing me and don’t expect me to be nice, or even polite. I’m not dealing with her any more after those last two strikes. It’s just not worth my time or energy. Ok, bed time.
February 15, 2001
Well, while the date says it’s Thursday, to me it’s still Wednesday. Valentine’s Day. Fucking holiday. This is a holiday for people who have someone they love and care about, but need a special holiday to do something nice for them. Does that make sense to you? The rest of us, those of us who are single have to stand around and watch all the other fucking people get flowers and candy and gifts, nice dinners and special evenings. What do I get? Not a fucking thing. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. I get to be miserable and bitter and pissed off, much more than on the average day. Where’s the equality in that? Did I miss something? There are countless assholes and stupid fucking bitches who have someone, a boyfriend or girlfriend. Then there’s me. They nice guy. Who do I have? That’s right, you guessed it; I have no one.
What a fucking world we live in! The jerks get the girls and I get this fucking dull pain all the time. I feel it first thing in the morning and the last thing when I go to bed. All I want is someone to share my life with. All I want is someone to love and who loves me. Yes, there it is, G-d fucking me in the ass once again! I just don’t understand why things can’t be simpler for me. I really don’t think I ask for much, I really don’t. Last semester was a disaster because of Katie, who can go to hell for all I care. This semester has been much better, but things are becoming increasingly complicated for me, it seems.
This semester, I have, it seems, girlfriend options out the wazoo, but of course it doesn’t do me a whole lot of good, because I’m finally graduating in May. One of the only things I’ve wanted since I’ve been here is a relationship. There hasn’t ever really been an opportunity until this semester, when it would seem I have at least a couple of options. What the hell am I supposed to do with that, huh? Maybe I should try. I mean that’s what all my friends keep telling me. I just don’t know. One of the girls, I’m not sure that I’m interested in all that much. The other, the one that I’m more interested in, just got out of a relationship that she was very involved in. They broke up, more or less, because he graduated and moved away, obviously. Knowing that I’m leaving in May, would she really be interested in dating me? I don’t see why she would. And I don’t know if I want to put her through that kinda thing again. That’s not to say that she’s interested in me. I don’t know if she is, or not. This is a perfect example of my thinking too much. Why can’t I just do something about it?
Let’s say I did. Let’s say I asked her out…. I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore. I just end up going in damn circles. I just don’t know what to do short of slamming my head in a door a few times. Damn it! I’m just SO sick of thinking about this shit. I wish things were just simpler. I wish there were a definite answer. I wish I could get some G-ddamn information! I’m tempted to ask Hal about Rachel (the girl I’m more interested in); ask him if he knows what she thinks about me. But that could get complicated and even get back to her that I was asking around about her. Not really something I want to have to deal with. Fuck! I just feel like I’m in seventh grade again, passing notes asking friends to be my spies. Why can’t I just do it myself? Why can’t I just ask her out?What’s the big fucking day? I’m tired of thinking about it. My ass is going to bed.
February 17, 2001
I came to an interesting revelation last night. I’m going to try and work it out thoroughly, so as not to leave my logic open to attacks. First, let’s start with a couple of definitions. It seems a reasonable place to start.
Nice (Def): 1. Pleasing, agreeable, delightful. 2. Amiable, pleasant, kind.
Sucker (Def): 2. (informal) a person easily cheated, deceived, or imposed upon.
Amiable (Def): 3. Agreeable, willing to accept the wishes, decisions, or suggestions of another or others.
Ok. Now that I’ve gotten the definitions take care of, it’s time for the argument. I’ve always despised how I’m the nice guy. For years, I’ve been a firm believer that “nice guys finish last,” as GreenDay says. Girls don’t want the nice guy. I could never quite figure out why, until last night, when it all came together for me. Nice guys are suckers. I think by definition, they have to be. It seems that people generally don’t like a person who can’t think for themselves, like suckers. Suckers are the nice people who worry about upsetting people, or worry about not being liked.
So, I’m a sucker. I’m a nice guy. I’m the one giving rides to people I don’t particularly like. I’m the one doing the things for people, not necessarily because I want to, but because I don’t want to say “no.” As the nice guy, I get walked on.Â In the famous words of Rodney Dangerfield: “I get no respect.” In nearly every aspect of my life, I am taken advantage of. Is this really a good way to go through life? I don’t see how it could be.
Now, I’m sure people will tell me that I’m not a sucker, I’m just generous. I’m just caring. Everyone has their own point of view of how the world is. My friends will certainly take this point of view, while my parents will say that I’m selfish. I’m certainly not selfish, that I’m pretty sure about and I have taken my friends point of view on this topic; I’m just a nice guy. I’m just considerate and giving. While I will agree that this is true, to some extent, I must say that I am a sucker. People take advantage of me because it’s easy. I’d have to agree. It certain is easy for people to take advantage of me. I talk big, but when it comes right down to it, I’m just a big sucker.
Everyone I know keeps telling me I can change if I really want to and if I work hard at it. Well, we’ll see about that. No more Mr. Nice Guy. I’m through being a sucker. If there were some benefits to being a sucker, maybe I’d stick with it. That doesn’t seem to be the case, however. Being nice for itself just isn’t enough anymore. I’m tired of it. I think I’m going to try my hand at being an asshole, at least for a while. I figure it can’t hurt at this point.
February 24, 2001
Things have become quite interesting in the last few days. Rachel Biars and I have been talking quite a bit and have been having some rather strange, but nice conversations. I’ve been interested in her for a little while now, but haven’t done anything about it for several reasons. Why I haven’t done anything about it until this point, is obvious. I’ll draw out the reasons anyway, because I’m sure I won’t remember what those reasons when I’m looking at this thing 20 years from now. The most obvious reason is that I am a coward. I’ve always been a coward. I didn’t think she was interested in me, for one reason or another, so I just didn’t do anything about it. Secondly, last semester she dated Jeff Wax. While he’s a very nice guy, I just don’t understand what she saw (sees) in him. He graduated this past December and is now in St. Louis. I guess the two of them were pretty serious and it sounds like at lest Jeff still is. No one, maybe not even Rachel, doesn’t know whether or not she is still hung up on him. Jeff is still very much in love, it seems, and believes that the two of them will end up spending the rest of their lives together. Who knows whether or not that will really happen?
I don’t really care what he seems to think about the situation. As much of a nice guy as he is, I never really considered myself friends with him, and therefore don’t feel bad about going after Rachel. There are, however, other complications. One of the reasons she may not still be stuck on Jeff is because he’s 400 miles away. She’s a freshman and doesn’t want to be in a long distance relationship starting her first year in college. She told me this. She wants to date, which is a good thing for me, I guess. There are still further complications, however. I’m leaving. I graduate in three months. Right now, I plan on going to Hawaii to live with Shawn. So, is there really any point in starting a relationship that I know will only end in three months? What’s the point in that? As much as I hate to agree with Wax, I want the same thing he does. I want a real, long-term relationship. That’s what I’ve always looked for, though. So why start in a relationship that I know won’t go anywhere.
Hal, however, brought up a good point to me. One that I had thought of on my own, what was afraid to really think about. It is, of course, a hypothetical, but an interesting one nonetheless….
April 13, 2001
Things have changed quite a bit since my last entry. I’m staying here in Oxford. I’m going to HUC on Tuesday to talk to someone in admissions about my future plans. That’s not what I want to talk about, though. I had a very interesting dream last night. Granted, I can’t remember most of it, but what I do remember is quite interesting. Rachel and I were dating, I guess, and she was spending the night here, for the first time. Now, I do remember that it wasn’t “my place.” It was some other room that I’d never seen before. It was somewhere else, yet it was my room. I don’t feel like discussing the details, but there were two very nice parts about the dream. One, just the fact that she was spending the night here. That was wonderful. Now, I remember knowing that nothing was going to happen; she was just staying here for the night. That feeling, alone, was SO nice. Two, I kissed her. She kissed me back. That was the best part of the whole thing. It wasn’t anything big, just a little kiss, but it was wonderful.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that kinda stuff lately. That’s probably why I had a dream like that. The thing I find somewhat strange, is the fact that I haven’t had a dream of that nature since high school. Why do you think that is? In high school, I used to dream about a girl that I had never seen and had never met, but was still completely in love with. That was the first time I had any idea what real love felt like. That’s how I knew I was in love with Amy; it was the same kind of feeling I had in that dream. Now, I’m not saying that I had the same feeling in this dream. This time, it was more the idea that was so nice. I just want someone to lie next to at night. I just want someone to be with, someone to hold.
The thing is I’m starting to get to that point with Rachel. Again, I’m not saying I’m in love with her, I don’t know if I am or not. What I do know, especially after the dream I had last night, is this: I want her to stay here some night. I want to lie next to her. I want to be able to kiss her. Yes, I’m frustrated.
April 14, 2001
Today was quite interesting. As odd as it seems to me, all the stuff that happened last night seems to have helped my cause. I guess the first thing for me to do is to explain what exactly happened last night, then I can say how it helped my cause. All the regulars were here last night, with the exception of Hal, who is in DC this weekend. Heather, Rachel and one of her friends Jessie, were also here. Dan was being a little bit more of an ass that he usually is, and he was sorta bothering me and he was definitely bothering his brother. This has nothing to do with what happened, so I’ll just get right to it, I guess. Dan said something very rude and quite vulgar about Rachel and Jeff. He didn’t say it out loud, but Rachel found out what he said, sure enough. Heather was the stupid one to let her in on the secret, which she shouldn’t have done. I knew about it, and as soon as I heard what Dan had said, I knew it was going to cause an issue.
Of course, when Rachel heard, she blew up and pretty much just left. Not too much later, Val called her to work things out, I guess, but it didn’t go exactly like she had wanted it to. There are other issues there between Val and Rachel and this whole thing just sorta added to it. After Val was done talking to her, it was my turn. At first our conversation was very short. Rachel was instantly defensive toward me, which was understandable, considering how Val had acted on the phone. Rachel was angry that I had known what had been said, but didn’t do anything about it. Then she hung up on me. I was stunned. I hadn’t thought of it exactly that way and immediately felt bad as soon as she had hung up on me.
She called back a few minutes later and we talked through the whole thing. I told her how sorry I was for how I had acted. She, in turn, apologized to me for having blown up at me, though I said she was justified. So here’s where the whole thing helped me. Heather was gone all day, her and Val’s friendship is pretty much finished, and the rest of her friends were out of town today. We spent pretty much the whole day together. Things got really interesting when I told her about my dream and how I felt about physical intimacy. I actively neglected to tell her that I wanted to kiss and “snuggle” with her, though.
She didn’t really have anything productive to say about it, other than she agrees that I need some kind of shock treatment. The evening ended with a movie and ice cream. She didn’t want to stay longer, though, for what reason I’m not sure. She said she was tired and was going to go home to bed, but when she dropped me off after getting ice cream, she said she’d call me later. That’s when I got a little suspicious about her real motives for not wanting to stay. But it was good, all in all. I definitely got a “flirting vibe” from her tonight, which is something I hadn’t gotten previously. So who knows? The next couple of weeks could be quite interesting.
April 16, 2001
Wow. Three entries in three nights. What could have brought all this about? Simple. I’ll give you one guess. That’s right, a girl. Who’s surprised? Certainly not me. Last night was a good night, as I said in last night’s entry. Rachel seems very flirtatious with me, which was very nice. Today, things were completely different. Granted, when I did see her, it wasn’t just the two of us hanging out here, alone. We were at Hillel, with about 30 other people. She didn’t say much to me, or interact with me in any way, but then neither did I with her. I don’t know. I’m not sure what to make of her. One day I get very good, positive vibes that make me think things are moving along quite nicely. Then, another day I get either no vibes from her at all, or just the friendship kind of feeling. I’m very confused. I’ve already asked about this once; I asked her where I stand with her and, of course, I didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t really think it would be good to ask again. That’s probably not the way to go.
The thing is I’ve pretty much run out of people I can ask. Val wouldn’t before, even if I asked her to, and with all the stuff that has gone down between her and Rachel and her and I, there is certainly no way I’m going to ask her about it now. And Hal, well that’s a whole different story. Somehow I feel like our friendship has suffered some trauma that I can’t quite put my finger on. He hasn’t shared much with me in the last few weeks as far as him and Heather are concerned. On top of that, I wasn’t invited to his house for Passover. Not that I would have gone, but it definitely would have been nice to have been invited. I’m not sure why I wasn’t. Now, I guess he’s going to break up with Heather, though I’ve only heard about it from him in passing, or in conversations that I haven’t really been involved in. What the hell is up with that?
So, I’m certainly not going to ask him to get involved. I don’t even plan on sharing what’s going on with Rachel with him. In my opinion, I don’t think he deserves to know. Fuck him. If he’s not going to share with me, then I see no reason to do so with him. Valerie can have him. I’m just not going to deal with it anymore. It’s not worth my time and it sure as shit isn’t worth my effort. As far as I’m concerned, they can both go to hell! Am I mad? Yeah, maybe just a teensy bit.
May 30, 2001
I’ve been home from Israel for a week. Even now, after having time to mull over it in my head, it’s still so hard for me to believe. I was in Israel. While I was there, I felt like I was in a dream. Now that I’m back, it feels like I’ve woken up from a dream. What I really there? Of course I was, but it seems that all I’ve got to convince myself are the pictures. I know I was there, but the feeling I had when I was there and the feeling I’ve got now is like nothing I’ve ever felt. The way I describe the feeling to people is this: all my life, I’ve felt whole, like I wasn’t really missing anything. Now that I’ve been to Israel and come back, I’ve come to feel, in fact, that I was not, am not, whole.
Only while I was in Israel was I whole. I heard others describe it as a sense of belonging that they had never felt before. I agree. I remember the first day we were there, walking through the street market and thinking to myself, “I’m surrounded by Jews.” I can’t even begin to describe the feeling to someone who’s never been there. It was comforting. Everywhere I turned, there were Jews. It was incredible. It was amazing. I walked around Israel for a week and a half in a daze, taking in everything I could, like I was in a dream that I had never had before and was afraid I would never have again. I know it wasn’t a dream, but in a way, it still feels like a dream.
I want to go back SO badly. I want to go now. Sadly, I don’t think the experience I had can ever be duplicated. Never will I go back wit those same people and have those same experiences. In a way, I guess that’s a good thing. I guess that’s what makes the trip so special. It’s a once in a lifetime experience and that’s sad. The good thing is that I made new friends. These are friendships that I hope last me the rest of my life. I want to hold on to every ounce of that trip that I can. That may be a shallow reason to want to keep friends and that is by no means the only reason, but it certainly is an important one, at least to me. Since I’ve been back, there hasn’t been a day that has passed in which I didn’t think about my time there, or the friends I made. I just want to get back to Oxford, so I can see them all again. Soon enough, I guess.
I don’t know if there is a G-d. I go back and forth as to how I feel about it. Let me say here, though, if there is a G-d, I want to thank him with all my heart for sending me home, if only for a short time. I want to thank him for giving me such wonderful people to share that experience with and I hope he will make it so that those people and I stay lasting friends. Amen.
October 28, 2001
Wow! So much has happened since I wrote that email (in Letters dated July 4, 2001). I guess that’s not surprising, but because I can’t get any of it out of my head, I’ve decided to write an entry. I know I should be writing something or another every day, but it’s hard. I feel like I’ve never got anything new to say, so why bother. But because things are so different that they were six weeks ago, I feel the need to update my journal to include the last couple of months. Man, this is going to take some time….
Oh, where to begin? I actually never sent that email to Katie. I couldn’t find her email address. I did one better, though. I tracked her phone number down in Cleveland and decided to call. I really wanted to talk to her and tell her what I was thinking. I wanted things between us to be like they were in the beginning: easy, nice, good. I wanted that again, and I was willing to work hard to make that happen. I would come to find out later, that apparently, she didn’t want that nearly as badly as I did. I was willing to let bygones be bygones and start over. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I wanted it SO badly that I was wiling to make a very strong effort. And I call. Of course, she’s not home, so I leave a message on her machine asking her to please call me.
Amazingly enough, a couple of days later, she did. G-ddamn, who would have thought she’d actually return my call? I didn’t really expect her to, but as I’ve come to accept, she never ceases to amaze me. We had a couple of, what I thought were very nice conversations. A good first step. During either our first or second conversation, I asked her what had happened last fall. Why did she disappear? Why did she brush me off so abruptly? How could she have acted that way toward me? I was not the least bit surprised by her response. Drugs. Of course, she didn’t put it that way. There’s a story behind it all….
I guess at the beginning of the last school year, Katie and her roommates were spending a lot of time uptown, drinking. The way she tells it to me, she was getting tired of the same thing every night, every weekend. So, what does she do? She starts hanging out with a different group of people, occasionally at first, but then it became all the time. These were the people who had first introduced her to Ecstasy. I knew she had done it once, or twice, but according to her, it became more frequent as the year progressed. X is, according to Katie, a drug that makes you really love the people who are around you when you’re high, and I guess when you’re not, as well. So this was her reasoning; it seemed to her that no one understood, or knew her as well as those people she was sharing her X experiences with. At least it wasn’t heroin.
The way she explained it, it made perfect sense to me, well maybe not perfect sense, but it was understandable. She told me she stopped during second semester, right about the time people, including myself, began to hear from her again. So I said, “Ok, that’s good enough for me.” The few conversations that followed that one had nothing to do with her X habit or her poor treatment of me and others, unless she brought it up. I definitely thought things were on the right track, finally. I thought things were going to start getting better between her and I and that eventually we would be the best of friends again. But then I went and put my foot in my mouth, so to speak.
Before I was going to send the email and before I called her house and left a message, I spent days deciding if that was a good, smart thing to do. I knew, knew that as soon as I heard her voice on the other end of the phone, as soon as we had just one conversation, I would fall in love with her all over again. I had just gotten to the point where I didn’t think of her every day. I was finally starting to get over her. Was I willing to put myself back into what could very easily turn out to be a very bad situation all over again? I guess I was, because I called. We had one conversation that lasted a couple of hours and, just as I knew I would, I fell in love with her again.
This time, I wanted to be sure though. I wanted to make absolutely sure that I wasn’t insane. I wanted to be sure it was really love and not just some silly feeling, some silly crush, some silly obsession. I decided to write it all down; every thought I had about her, every feeling, every moment we spent together, everything that had happened between us. And, what started out as a messy journal entry, eventually, turned into the best story I ever wrote. Of course, I can’t take all the credit, because without her, none of it would have been possible. As Hindsight progressed, and my thoughts and feelings became more and more clear, I knew I had to send it to Katie. I had to make sure she knew exactly how I felt about her, now that I finally did.
And I sent it. The whole ting was very nice, very well constructed. It was, I thought, a hell of a thing to do. It was a hell of a gift. It was a hell of a chance I was taking. And I sent it, along with a mix CD that I put together. I imagined one of two responses from her. One, she would be flattered, but wouldn’t feel the same way about me as I did about her. Two, she would tell me the same thing. Hey, she had said it to me twice before, why couldn’t it happen a third time? At least that’s what I thought. To be honest, I kind of thought the latter would happen. Unfortunately, once again, she threw me a curve ball. I never expected the reaction she gave me.
She was angry! At least it seemed to me that was the case. Once I knew enough time had passed. Once I was sure she had gotten it and had a chance to read it, I called. Instantly, I knew she was in no mood to talk about it, at least not then. Let me say here, along with Hindsight and the CD, I sent a letter, telling her not to read it if she had no intention of discussing it with me. I should have known; that’s exactly what happened. She was angry with me! I have no idea why. Even months later, I still can’t figure out what reason she could possibly have for being angry with me. Anyway, I let it go that night. She said she would give me a call the next night, after she got off work. I knew, though, that she wouldn’t.
I was right. I didn’t hear from her. I haven’t heard from her. I’m back in Oxford now, have called and left several messages, but nothing. I just don’t understand. I wish I had some way to know what it is that I’ve done that has made her want to cut any and all ties to me. I called, once again, last night and asked her to get together with me sometime with week, if she as able and willing. I even sounded pathetic when I left the message; at least I thought I sounded pathetic. I’m hoping she’ll call. I’m hoping to hear from her. I’m hoping for the opportunity to see her and talk to her, but I’m not optimistic. I just wish I knew what, if anything, I could do to make her talk to me.
November 7, 2001
So, I’ve been going through my Chronicles the last couple of days, more for something to do than anything else. There are things in here that I had long since forgotten, which I guess is one of the reasons I started writing it all down to begin with. There’s a lot in here about Katie, as well there should be. We have a very colorful and, what seems like, long history. Reading through a lot of it, I haven’t come any closer to figuring out what went wrong. Was it my fault, or her fault? Or, was this just inevitable from the very beginning? I mean, several of my friends have told me countless times that there is just no way we are, or were, compatible. Maybe this was bound to happen. Maybe we spent up all our good times together at the beginning. Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.
While part of me thinks that makes complete sense, there is still a part of me that in no way understands what has happened. We used to be so close. We even said, at one point, that we had feelings for each other. Now, if we weren’t meant to be friends, let alone something more, then how could we both have developed feelings for each other? I mean, as far as my feelings are concerned, I think I’ve got them pretty well figured out: in some ways, love can’t be explained. I don’t know if I think it’s meant to be understandable.
Needless to day, I’m still looking for some answers. I still need to understand what happened, not so much to the feelings she had for me, but why our friendship went so sour. Maybe it was because she did indeed have feelings for me, but as she’d said, she didn’t want to day anyone at the time. Maybe I was exactly what she was looking for, but for some reason I can’t comprehend, she didn’t want that at the time. I remember when Amy broke up with me. I remember her telling me how she couldn’t understand why I cared about her so much. She couldn’t understand why I wanted so much to be with her. Amy disliked herself so much that she couldn’t fathom why, or how, I loved her.
Could Katie feel the same way? During the course of our few conversations this summer, she told me she was really depressed and that she was thinking about going to see a shrink. While I was a little shocked, I was in no way caught totally by surprise. The more I’ve had time to think about it, the more I agree with her. The more I think about it, the more I see that here is something wrong with her. The problem is, I can’t figure out what exactly it is that is wrong. I just have a sense that something isn’t right with her. There’s just something that hasn’t been right with her for some time. I just, for the life of me, can’t figure out what it is.
I sent an email to her about a week ago, asking her to please respond, if nothing else. I asked if we could get together, if for no other reason than to catch up. I sent it on the 30th of October, now it’s the 7th of November and I haven’t heard anything, not even a “fuck off.” I guess there is the slightest chance that she just hasn’t checked her mail since then, but I find that a little hard to believe. More likely, she just didn’t want to respond at all. I just don’t understand it. Most likely, I never will. I could spend every waking moment for the next ten years trying to come up with some explanation and still not come up with anything.
Maybe everyone is right; maybe I just need to let it go. I mean, it took three years, but Amy and I eventually came to be close friends again. Who knows, it could happen with Katie. The thing is I just don’t want to have to wait, if I really don’t have to. I keep trying to come up with things to do, or things to say to try and fix things, even if just a little. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to come up with anything so far. The only option remaining, that I can think of, is to see her in person. Whether it’s showing up at Kona, where she works, or even showing up at her house, I have no other option that I can see. The thing is I don’t really like that last option, because I don’t think anything will come of it. Even it she is elated to see me, most likely it will be just a show and unless I continue to show up at her work, or at her house, nothing will happen. Ahh, hell! Maybe I should just give up….
November 18, 2001
Hal and I went to Columbus last night for a party that Mazer and Wells were having. It was a good time, at least for most of the night. I have to say, even though I will probably never see her again, Mazer’s sister is really cute. Too bad she’s engaged. That’s just how it goes, though. I guess, when it really comes down to it, it really doesn’t make that much difference. She lives in Pittsburgh and I’m out here in Oxford, at least for the time being. Even if she wasn’t engaged, there is just no way anything could have happened. Yeah, so I just thought I’d make that little comment, because that’s not what this entry is going to be focused on.
I’ll give you $50 if you can guess what this is going to be about…. You guessed it: Katie. In the midst of all the fun and drunkenness, she calls Hal completely out of the blue. She told him she was flipping through her cell phone and came across his number and realized that she hadn’t talked to him in a while. Can I get a what the fuck! They chatted for a little while and then he asked if she wanted to talk to me. Surprisingly, the answer was no. Of course not! It’s not like I’ve said, what I consider to be, some pretty powerful things; “I’m in love with you” being by far the most significant.
I’ve tried SO hard with her. I wasn’t the least bit surprised that she didn’t want to talk to me. Of course, I was hopeful, and I was a little angry and quite hurt when she actually said she didn’t, though. That’s the thing; even if I know what she’s going to do, or say, that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. According to Hal, she said she would talk to me. “She’s not ready yet.” Or, “she’ll talk to me soon.” Her response was something like that. So, I guess that’s a good thing, right? I mean, if I take that at face value, it means that she will come to me to talk, at some point. Hell, for all I know, “at some point” could be 30 years from now.
Am I really expected to wait forever? The sad thing is, I’ll probably wait much, much longer that I should. Sometimes I think I’ve already waited too long. You know, though, there’s not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it. I mean, I’m in love with the girl. I’ve full accepted this as reality. I can’t explain my reasons to anyone. I can’t even completely explain the reasons to myself. I just know. I can feel it. I am fully aware that the feelings I have for her come from memory. Things are SO different that they were it could very easily happen that we will never be friends again. I don’t like to think about that as a possibility, but I would be completely delusional if I didn’t at least look at it as a possibility.
So, as I’ve said before, if she calls I won’t be angry with her. I won’t give her a hard time and I won’t push her to talk about the story, or anything that I’ve said to her since then. I just want to talk to her. About anything, I don’t give a fuck at this point. I want, more than anything, to build her trust in me again. I used to have her complete trust. And, to tell you the truth, I don’t know what happened to it. I can’t even begin to venture a guess. The most I will say is that I hope, at some point, she will want to talk to me about it and be able to talk to me about it. I’ll say that I want her to be able to trust me again and if that means we don’t talk about any of this shit for a while, then fine. I guess I’m willing to make that concession. Granted, I won’t be completely happy about the idea. It will, most likely bother me more and more as time goes on, especially if our friendship progressed toward what it once was, but that’s something I’m willing to deal with for some time, though not forever.
Hopefully, at some point, she will feel like she needs to talk about it with me. Hopefully, she will want to talk about it, because it will be important to her, not just because she feels some obligation that she really doesn’t want to uphold. Se we’ll see how long it takes her to call me. Part of me says it will be a couple of days, to a couple of weeks. Another part of me says that it will be much, much longer before that happens. All I can do is wait eagerly. Patiently. All I can do is hope that the next time I answer my phone; it will be Katie on the other end….
December 17, 2001
I feel like I’ve got so much to say, but at the same time, I have a feeling I’m going to focus on the same thing I’ve been focusing on for the last… well since I’ve been here. That being said, I’m not quite sure where to begin. My head is full of things I feel need to be said. I guess I’ll just jump right in….
Sometimes I think I really want a girlfriend, then there are other times that I think it would be so much better if I just let it all go for a while and focused on me. That’s something I definitely need to do; since last November I haven’t felt quite the same as I once did. I feel much more uncertain about myself than I did before my breakdown. So then the question becomes: is it better having a girlfriend aid in my self-recovery? Even if I decide the latter is the better choice, what are my options, really? Well, let’s see; there’s Missy, Jenny Sear, and don’t we all now that I would love for Katie to be a real option, but I guess I should know better by now.
Alright, let’s look at each of these options. First, there’s Missy. I love her to death. She is most definitely one of my most favorite people. She’s tons of fun, smart, cute, funny. So then, what’s the problem, exactly? Well, to start, I can’t decide if I even want to date her. Sometimes, I think she’s cuter than others and sometimes I think I have absolutely no desire to date her. Some times I think about it because I think about it with nearly all of my friends that are girls at one point or another. My gut tells me that she’s a much better friend than she would be a girlfriend.
Next is Jenny Sear. I think there is definite potential there, except for one small glitch; she’s got a boyfriend currently. I’ve met the guy a couple of times, but to tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him speak. I can’t see what she sees in him, but then I guess she knows him much better than I do. If you ask me, the boy seems kind of like a shmuck. I keep telling Hal that we should kill him, so that I can move in. Hehe…. Anyway, she’s fun, smart, very cute, great ass, and fun to argue with. There are very few girls I know that I can say that about. I don’t even think Amy was ever that much fun to argue with.
An then, like I’ve said countless times… there’s Katie…, but I don’t really have the energy right now to get into it about her.
So, what to do? What to do? I think I’ve pretty much decided that Missy isn’t girlfriend material and, unfortunately, I think she’s the only one of the three that’s even a remote possibility. To tell you the truth, I’m kinda tired and am getting quite tired of thinking about all this shit. I just wish things were simpler. I wish Katie would just call tomorrow. I just wish things could be the way they were, but alas I doubt that can ever be….
January 23, 2002
There are times when I feel like I can’t win. There are times when the waters are close to overtaking me. This is one of those times. I can’t describe the feeling, if you haven’t experienced it for yourself. Everything is tiring. I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can only shake my head. Sometimes, it gets so bad it’s all I can do to just choke back the tears. I don’t want anyone to see me cry. What would that accomplish? I already have too many people feeling sorry for me, and I hate it. I wish they would leave me alone. I wish they would stop asking. I wish they would stop trying to help, stop trying to sympathize, stop trying to show me that things aren’t really as bas as I make them out to be.
That’s just a load of crap. What they really try to do is who me the world they live in, or their view of it. Do they really think that’s doing me any good? Do they really think they’re going to be the one that shows me the light, that things aren’t really so bad? Everyone wants to be the one to fix me. “Oh, you’ll fine the one. You’ll find a girl. You’ll find someone to love, someone who loves you.” How the hell do they know? Do they have the script to my life? Are they in on some secret that I don’t know about? I don’t think so. What they have is a better life. What they have is more happiness. More confidence. More success. All I have is this splinter in my brain and this knot in my stomach and there’s nothing anyone can do to take either of them from me.
The splinter and the knot have been there for as long as I can remember and probably longer. Why do they think they’re going to be the ones to remove either of them? These have become a part of me, as much as I try to deny it. I tried that once and just when I thought I had just about gotten rid of both, they kicked me in the gut and stabbed me in the brain harder than ever before, just to make it absolutely clear that they weren’t going anywhere. So, my friends try and try to show me that things aren’t so bad. They try to remove the splinter. They try to untie the knot, but I don’t have the strength or patience to humor them. I have lost the ability to bullshit. All I’ve got left is this bitter comfort that is just how it is.
I’m tired of writing. I’m tired of humoring people, allowing them to feel that they are going to do some good for me. I just don’t care anymore. I give up. Let the waters overtake me. Let the darkness carry me away….
I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like I’ve said it all before, but at the same time, there must be more. I’ve already written one story about her, about us, about how I had her in my life and now I don’t. My heart wants to write so badly about this, but my fingers… and my will just don’t seem to have the energy. Should I just let it go? I think the average person would. I certainly know most of my friends would have left her behind long ago. For some reason, though, I just can’t seem to move on. I mean, is that sick, or romantic, or hopeful, or what?
There are days when I think it doesn’t matter, that I can indeed move on. She rejected me, right?Then, there are days when all the hurt and all the love well up in me to the point where I have to find strength to keep from crying. Now is one of those times. I can’t think. My heart is in my throat and it’s hard to take a deep breath without tears welling up. What happened? What did I do? How could this happen? My world is gone. My soul has abandoned me. What did she leave me?
July 26, 2002
Yesterday I felt like working on my “book,” only to realize I didn’t have any of it with me. I thought at first I’d try to continue from where I had last left off, but couldn’t remember where exactly I had left off. Slightly frustrated, I decided not to bother. Most likely whatever would have come out of me yesterday wouldn’t have been worth much. Today, I’m going to try and write about something else: something that could very well turn into a chapter. It’s not something I’ve tangibly thought about before, which is one of the reasons it’s so unsetting to me. We all know I’ve got my list of problems. It’s a list that is, I imagine, longer than most people’s. This thought, though, goes right to the root of my problems. At least, very close to the root. It’s a thought that came to me about a week ago and has had me rather unsettled since….
This time last week, I was preparing to leave Oxford for good. And while I was thrilled with the idea of spending some time at home, as well as the prospects of moving to Hawaii, I couldn’t help but feel nervous, shaken, unsettled, broken, and sad. Oh sure, these are natural feelings. Oh sure, everyone feels the same way when they leave a place they’ve called home. Well maybe not all those feelings, but certainly most of them. Somehow, though, being common in this respect doesn’t provide me with a whole lot of comfort. And in the midst of all these feelings, this thought came to me.
Thinking about it now, it’s hard for me to put into words exactly what this thought was. Let me try to explain. Over the course of the last few years, I’ve met lots of people; nice people who I don’t really have any reason to think badly of. I wouldn’t consider any of these people close friends or even casual friends. As the years pass these aren’t people I’m going to work to keep in touch with or keep track of. They’re just acquaintances. They’re just people with whom I’ve spent a little time. Somehow, though, these people don’t seem to feel the same way about me. They, for some strange and unknown reason, seem to feel a bit closer to me than I do to them.
Let me give an example. A year ago I worked at the hospital in St. Paul for my dad and his partners’ practice. It was a good job. Easy. And it paid quite well. I’d say I worked there for three or four months and while I was there, I met all kinds of very nice people. Some of them were funny, some of the girls were cute, but when it was time for me to move back to Oxford, I can honestly say I didn’t give them a second thought. They, on the other hand, ask about me on a fairly regular basis. Checking up on me, so it seems, for reasons I can’t quite understand. I mean, as far as in know, they don’t ask about Sally, who seems a much more memorable and interesting person than me. I don’t think they ask about the other girl that worked there. Her name escapes me now…. I know she wasn’t there as long as I was, so maybe that’s why.
Dad’s always telling me how the nurses and EEG staff are always asking about me. I just don’t understand it. Sure it makes me feel good. Sure it’s good to know that I am missed, but I just don’t understand what these people see me. I try and play down my confusion in my usual way: humor. I say, “who knew I was so popular?” In some ways, it’s becoming my catch phrase. I don’t understand what it is about me that seems to attract people. They’re not friends. Some I wouldn’t even call acquaintances. They’re simply people I’ve come across and whose company I enjoyed while I was around.
The same kind of thing happened while I was in Oxford this past year. I met lots of new people. Some of them I consider to be friends, but others just acquaintances. Yes, when it was time for me to leave Oxford, all sorts of people wanted to spend time with me before I departed. Some, I hadn’t know for very long at all. I know there would be people that would be very sad to see me go: Hal, Adina, Dan, Barb. These are people who I would consider to be fairly close friends. I’m going to miss them as much as they’re going to miss me. Others, though, people I don’t feel nearly as close to, also seemed equally troubled by my leaving….
So, the thought I had was this; I’m not remarkable. I’m not special, or particularly outgoing. I’m not a partier and can be a bit antisocial. Somehow, though, I’ve managed to attract all sorts of people who apparently have grown some sort of affinity for, or who feel particularly close to me. And apparently they’re going to be quite broken up when I leave. The thing is I’ve had so many different people, both friends and family, tell me how special and kind and wonderful I am. And it’s not that I don’t believe them when they say these things. I don’t think they’re lying to me and I don’t think they’re delusional. I know these things they tell me are true. The thing is, I don’t feel it. It’s not that I don’t believe them; I guess it’s more like I don’t understand why they think these things. I can’t feel it in my gut. It’s almost like I feel I’ve got them all fooled. A part of me things I will wake up one lovely morning to find that everyone’s gotten wise to me. I feel like it’s all a big joke and I’m waiting for the punch line. Or just a big mistake.
Here’s why I have been so unsettled by this thought of mine. In all my years of life, I can’t recall a single time when I’ve had that same thought. I’ve been depressed and have had low self-esteem for as long as I can remember, but I’ve never had that thought before. The point is, I must have hit an all new low for me. This new thought can only be a product of my ever-growing low self-esteem. I mean sure I could list all sorts of positive character traits of mine, but I don’t feel anything good about myself. I’ve sunken so low that I feel pretty much empty and worthless.
I could say more, but I’d just be repeating myself, I think….
July 30, 2002
I left Oxford ten days ago with only a few thoughts in my head. And the surprising thing is that not one of these thought had to do with Oxford or the friends I’d be leaving behind. I thought about my friends in OP. I thought about my upcoming move to Hawaii and I thought about two girls. One, I thought about romantically. The other I thought about as a friend. I’ll give you two guesses, which one this most recent entry is about, but I’m confident that you’ll only need one. That’s right. This is about a girl who’d I’d like to get to know better and try to date.
To tell the truth, I can’t say the first time I met Becca. I’m sure it was several years ago, back in our BBYO days, but it hasn’t been until the last year, or so, that I’ve spent some time with her and gotten to know her a bit. Even then, I had no thought about wanting to date her. Well that’s not entirely true. I have that thought every time I meet a girl for the first time. More often than not, the thought quickly vanishes, never to reappear. And so it was with Becca, until about three weeks ago.
I was home on a quick three-day escape from work to attend Todd’s father’s funeral. It was a quick three-day trip that turned into nearly a week. It was a great time, considering the circumstances. And while I was there, I saw and spent time with Becca. We didn’t go much, but we talked a fair amount. I knew I was there for Todd and kept my focus on that track, but couldn’t help wanting to spend more time with Becca. She’s fun, strange, interesting, funny, has very quirky eating habits and has looks to kill. It was simple; I wanted to see more of her. I returned to Oxford with a newly found determination to go back to OP before the end of the summer. Becca was a small reason among many for that new-found determination.
September 12, 2002
Here I am again wanting to write with nothing to say. One would think someone like me, who is constantly thinking, would have something new, something worth while to say. Unfortunately, that just isn’t the case. I try and sit here and write something, but my mind goes blank. I have a million and one thoughts a day, but when it comes time to write something, my pen stalls and the words turn to blah blah blah blah. Why is that? I’m not a stupid person. I read. I’ve ready some big books with big words. So I should be able to write something of substance, right? Well apparently that’s not really the case. Blah blah blah blah. I get the urge to write and the only things that come to mind are the same things I’ve written about hundreds of times before and I hate repeating myself. Hate it. And yet here I am, once again, writing with nothing to say.
I guess I could just stop writing right here and go about sitting and staring and thinking. But I won’t. In stead I’m going to indeed write about the same things I’ve written about previously. Two things, actually. Though I’m not sure with which topic I should start. Most likely, whichever topic I begin with will also be the one I finish with, simply because I’ll run out of steam. I’ll blah blah blah blah until I just don’t want to write anymore. Maybe that’s the reason I can never write anything of substance. I’m too busy hashing and rehashing the same shit that I can never get past. I’ve got too many issues to write anything of substance….
September 30, 2003
It’s a funny thing. I’ve spent hours and hours over the course of the last few years thinking about what it would be like to be happy and healthy and confident and all around well-adjusted. Now, though, that I have to sit down and write about it, I seem to be having a harder time than I would have expected. Granted, after all those hours and hours, I don’t have any real answer. Still, here I am trying to give birth to some kind of definition of happiness for myself. In situation like these, hearing other people’s thoughts about happiness only makes me want to beat the shit out of them. So, I’ve got to come up with something. I look to my role models for inspiration.
Off the top of my head, the first definition I come up with for self mental health is having the courage to say and do what I feel, without a notion of worry regarding what others might think or say about me. In high school, that was about the only definition I had and I tried to force it on myself, or rather I tried to fool myself. I walked around with bright red Converse shoes, an aqua Tigger hat, and second or third hand breast jackets. I can say with a fair amount of confidence that no one else in that school dressed the way I did.
One part of my brain said, “good for you.” “Fuck’em, I don’t care what they whisper about me.” Another part of me would say, “you’re not fooling anyone.” “You’re terrified of the whispers. Girls think you’re a loser and the guys think you’re a dandy!” As much as I hate to admit it, the later part was right; I was a ball of fear. People’s opinions mattered to me terribly and I hated it. But what I think is even worse than that is the fact that I honestly believed all the things I’m sure where whispering about me. It seems the fear and gutter-crawling low self-esteem were siblings. But much like the chicken and the egg, no one seems to know which came first; which was a result and which was an affect.
All the time, I thought my problems were a result of low self-esteem. So around my sophomore or junior year of high school, I decided that I would make a conscious effort to raise it, though I wasn’t sure how. I thought that if I could be more confident that somehow happiness would result. Now, to be clear, there was no strategy, no plan of attack. I was simply going to be more confident, even if I hadn’t a clue how to do it. The only active, decisive step I took was to sever contact with my father, who at the time I thought was a major contributor to my low self-esteem. And it seemed to work, at least I thought it did. A good friend of mine has contradicting opinions. At the end of a four or five year span, I thought I had made huge progress. I even bragged to friends about all the progress I had made. In fact, the notion that I had made such strides toward happiness was a source of some real strength. I had done it on my own, with no help from shrinks or guidance counselors. Man, was I fooled. And that foolishness became crystal clear during the first semester of my last year of college.