just a few weeks ago certain circumstances of my life caused me to feel defeated. something i was optimistic and hopeful about had turned out to be a facade, or at least that’s how it appeared. i was beat down and lost. i felt worse than i had in a long time. i was having trouble sleeping, focusing, and trouble not cursing at random people i saw on the street. i was ready to dig in and retreat from the world. for about a week, “fuck it” was my theme.

in the old days, this could have gone on for weeks or months. i would have let this feeling fester and infect nearly every aspect of my life. i wouldn’t say wallowing in self-pity is fun, but in some ways, it’s like a drug for me. it’s really easy and serves as an escape from the world that seems to disappoint on a regular basis. i’m a recovering self-pity addict. instead of giving myself up to a higher power, instead of a 12-step program, i decided that i wouldn’t be defeated by disappointment. that feeling wouldn’t consume me and i devised a plan; improve. i’m attempting to refocus.

while i tend not to subscribe to an over-developed sense of a polished outward appearance (you only need glance at my beard to know that), for a long time i haven’t been thrilled about how badly out of shape i am. it does bother me and it does contribute what little bit remains of a deep-seeded self-loathing. so instead of letting myself get washed away in a wave of self-pity, i’ve decided to get in shape. i’m just at the beginning of what will almost certainly prove to be a huge challenge, but so far i’m determined to see it through.

and i’ve set a goal: lose 40-50 (this is, by medical standards, roughly how overweight i am) pounds by the end of the 2014 legislative session.

earlier this week i met with a personal trainer to help me develop a workout routine that would get me in shape; not beefy, but lean and hopefully with just the right amount of tone. however, according to the trainer, exercise will only get me about a third of the way to my goal. so next week i’ll be meeting with a dietician who will, hopefully, help me develop a diet that doesn’t totally suck, that works with in the limits of my crohn’s disease. hopefully it will be something i can stick with. sure, i know its just a matter of will power, but i’ve never particularly like the idea of a diet and i’m not known for having strong will power.

still, if i want to reach this goal, i’ve got to not only give it a try, i’ve got to stick with it. i’ve got to commit to weeks and months of a regular (and difficult) workout routine and i’ll have to commit to whatever diet is created for me. we’ll see how it works out in the long-term.

for now, it’s done the trick. while there’s still a thin current of frustration flowing just under the surface, this plan has lifted me out of the doldrums and given me something to shoot for, something completely up to me and under my control. barring illness, life can’t kick this plan in the balls.

i feel energized, as three blog posts in less than a month can attest. and there’s more to come….

content
lost
proud
clueless
lonely
attentive
tearful
angry
kind
lazy
spiteful
helpless
generous
happy
listless
empty
gentle
afraid
resentful
tired
defeated

so, about a month ago i broke down and signed up for a six-month subscription to match.com. they had a sale on and i thought it was about time i tried my hand at dating (or at least thinking about it). admittedly, i haven’t actually contacted anyone on the site, though there are a few girls that have caught my eye.

the thing is, i haven’t quite managed to get past the idea of it; how can you judge a person based on a premeditatedly-created profile? they all are “outgoing,” “adventurous,” “love life,” and “like to try new things.” and the like. is it possible all these people have the same outlook on life? i find it a bit hard to believe, though understand they may have been “chosen” to match my profile. who knows. all i know is that i’m not sure how to relate to people using this format. i’m all for technology, but may be just slightly too old to embrace this way of “meeting” women.

there’s another hurdle as well…. i’m terrible at starting up a conversation with a stranger in person. i don’t like cold-calling people and i’m not sure how to craft an email to someone whose picture i like and whose profile intrigues me. i just don’t know how to do it. i’ve tried to start writing such an email in my brain, but haven’t gotten very far. i don’t know where to being and when i try, i think it sounds stupid, or contrived, or fake. maybe that’s not actually the case, but my self-conscious nature make it sound that way to me. it’s hard to say. i know i want to give it a try, if for no other reason than i spent the money, but for other reasons as well…. i just haven’t been able to proceed without a feel that the whole online dating process is completely absurd. i haven’t given up. not yet. and continue to try crafting an introductory email. i guess i’m just expressing my difficulty and frustration with the process.

what’s more, it seems i’ve stumbled across a real-world hiccup, which i’m hesitant to spell out here, for fear of who might see the post (a constant and troubling consideration every time i sit down to write a post). what i think i can say is that this “hiccup” is making me think there might be value in putting the online dating attempt on hold for a bit.

all in all, my frustration level is on the rise.

i’ve committed to using MacJournal to do my blog posts; partly because i’ve seen good reviews of it and partly because I got the software cheap as part of a bundled package.

anyway, i’m posting to see how it looks and interacts with wordpress on my blog. if it seems to work well, keep your eyes out for an actual post in the half-day, or so.