so, i’ve got a bit of a dilemma. in truth, it’s a dilemma i’ve had since i started posting these things online. the idea of this online journal is that the people who come here and read it get a sense of what i’m about and who i am. the dilemma is this: do i sensor myself? the things i write about come straight from my gut, with little or no editing (hence any spelling or grammar mistakes). that can be dangerous, especially since i sometimes write about the people i know and the people i’m friends with… and so on.

now, there’s a good chance that none of the people i write about would come across anything i might say about them, because it seems there are very few people who actually check this page on a regular basis. nonetheless, the chance exists. for instance, i have a friend who recently got married and i think it was a bad idea. i wanted to post my thoughts and feelings on the subject, but ultimately decided against it because i didn’t want them mad at me as a result of what they might read. there are other things too… like if there’s a girl i’m interested in, i’m not sure it’s a good idea to say anything specific because they might choose to check out my site and read the particular entry which deals with them. without a context or an introduction, such entries can look a little strange to someone who may not know me that well.

having said all this, i go back to my original statement of censorship. if i’m picking and choosing what to post, then people are only getting a snapshot of who am i, because i’m editing myself. i know that’s something we all do, to some extent, but i don’t really like that philosophy. i’m supposed to be proud of who i am, right? so then, why should i care what someone thinks of me after they’ve read a little of what’s posted here? well, when it comes to girls i’m interested in, it could seriously hurt my chances. when it comes to friends, it has the potential to ruin a friendship. i don’t want either of those things to happen. so what do i do?

being someone who likes to write, someone who likes to purge their thoughts and feelings onto digital paper this second guessing, this worrying can quite a nucience. i’m not sure what to do. part of me wants to say ‘fuck it’ and just write whatever i feel. then there’s another part that doesn’t want to hurt my chances with a girl by saying something stupid and doesn’t want to hurt my friends by saying something that may not need to be said. of course i could just put all these things in writing and then just don’t post them, but doesn’t that ultimately defeat the purpose of the weblog? if i’m going to sensor myself, should i then just close the site and keep all my little thoughts to myself? i don’t know.
the ultimate reason for the existence of this site is to get input from those who might read it. so far, though, that hasn’t happened. on more than one occasion, i’ve asked for input and assistance from my readers (no matter how few they might be). of course, i don’t really expect at this point for any input from any of you (i know better by now), but as a writer and as someone who is constantly asking questions, i can’t help but put the question out there anyway.

do i stick to my gut and let the consequences be damned, or do i show discression for my own sake as well as the sake of those i care about? i’ll let you know what i decide.