let me start by saying that i’m sitting here in the middle of ohio at… oh… a little after 5am in the morning. hal is asleep on the couch and i’m out on the porch. smoking. and writing this. it should be obvious that sleep for me, for some strange reason, is completely out of the question. so, when that happens, when all else fails, i write. i can’t remember the last time i’ve had this much trouble sleeping. it’s been months, maybe even longer. for the first time in a long time, what seems like almost forever, my brain is racing. i’m thinking about things i shouldn’t be thinking about….

i recently found this song by sarah mclachlan, answer. i stumbled across it during one of my crazy download sessions, but haven’t really listened to it until tonight. maybe that was a bad idea. i’m on the brink of tears and, like i said, thinking about things, people, i really, really shouldn’t be thinking about. of those of you who know me, some of you will curse at me, some of you will say, ‘what the fuck! why do you do this to yourself? what the fuck is wrong with you?’ others will be a little more sympathetic, but not many.

a chapter of my life that was closed nearly three years ago still haunts me. a girl who broke my heart, a girl who ruined me, is on my mind. since she showed up and since she left, i have been broken. most days, i do fine. i’m happier now than i’ve been… i think in my whole life. for the first time, i feel like i’m getting my life on track. i feel motivated and positive and… dare i say it… optimistic.

some would say, and i might agree with them, that i am indeed on the mend. i’ve made huge strides in the last year to fix whatever it is that’s wrong with me. and i think i’m making progress, but she still there. she lingers in my brain. i’d say that if there were a way to cut her out of my brain, i’d do it. at the same time, though, when it came right down to it, i don’t think i could. is that the definition of masicistic?

what i think is scarey is that i used to be so much worse than i am now. she’d either keep me up at night, or she’d creep into my dreams and wake me. her presence is much more subtle now. very rarely do my thoughts linger on her and even less rarely does she appear to me in my dreams. nowadays, i’ll see her on the street. or driving in a car. or across the room in a bar. my eyes play tricks on me, but i know they’re just tricks and i can dismiss these sightings.

and while most days, she doesn’t occur to me, when she does, i can’t help but feel broken all over again. i can’t help but miss her and i can’t help but wonder…. am i still in love with her? if she were to show up on my caller id, if she were to appear in my email inbox, what would i do? how would i react? well, i don’t think there’s any question: i would answer the phone, i would respond to the email. despite everything that happened (hindsight), despite my broken heart, i can’t help but want her in my life.

i want her back, back the way she was. i want to travel back in time and see her again, as she was before the drugs, before the depression, before she changed into someone else. i can’t help but think what i would do if i knew how to contact her, if i knew where she was, if i knew how to find her. it scares me. i know it’s bad and i know it’s unhealthy for me, but i can’t help it. the girl i loved left me for drugs and for another life, but i can’t help but think about what i would leave, what i would sacrifice for just one more chance, what i would give up for her. my sanity? quite possibly.

i sit here, listening to this song over and over again, and keep going back. i want to save her. i want to rescue her. and now it’s 6am. the song continues to play and i’m broken all over again. it’s such a pretty song. go find it.

answer

i will be the answer
at the end of the line
i will be there for you
while you take the time
in the burning of uncertainty
i will be your solid ground
i will hold the balance
if you can’t look down

if it takes my whole life
i won’t break, i won’t bend
it’ll all be worth it
worth it in the end
because i can only tell you what i know
that i need you in my life
when the stars have all burned out
you’ll still be burning so bright

cast me gently into morning
for the night has been unkind
take me to a place so holy
that i can wash this from my mind
memory choosing not to fight

if it takes my whole life
i won’t break, i won’t bend
it’ll all be worth it
worth it in the end
because i can only tell you what i know
that i need you in my life
when the stars have all burned out
you’ll still be burning so bright

cast me gently into morning
for the night has been unkind