i’m not quite sure what i want to say here….  the last couple of weeks have been long, in a number of different ways.  another week is on top of me and in some ways i see life returning to normal, in others i’m not sure it will ever be the same.  it’s all been a bit of an emotional roller coaster and i’m still kinda sorting it all out.  for one thing, i’m a year older. that’s right, i’m now 29 years old and before i know it i’ll be a ‘thirty-something’.

i’ve never been one to announce my birthday or throw a party for myself.  as the day approached, some of my friends started ask if there was any planned celebration.  i said no, but that maybe we’d all get together for dinner.  even planning a dinner gathering in honor of my birthday seemed like more self-adoration than i’m prone to.  one of my closest friends took it upon himself to plan a gathering at the last minute and it turned out pretty well.  with a few exceptions, all my friends and favorite people were there.  it was a nice time and a good night.

at one point, i stepped out for a smoke and thought about all the people who were there. i mean it wasn’t anything fancy and there were no gifts (i prefer it that way), but it was really nice.  and though i’ve had the thought a few times since i’ve been here, i felt so very lucky and couldn’t help but tear up just a bit. even now, while i write this and think about it, i get teary.   it wasn’t my plan to come here and live and make a life full of friends, but its happened regardless. even though the reality is most of them will eventually leave, it’s that surprise life and those unexpected friendships that have made this place truly home to me.

then of course there’s friday night.  it was more celebration for my birthday, but more importantly (if not sad) is it was katya’s last night in honolulu, maybe for a while, maybe forever.  it was our last first friday as a group, but it was a good night and all the regulars were out in force….  i’m stuck….

ok, so clearly i’m a bit rattled.  i started writing this yesterday, but lost my clarity, then got distracted.  here’s the thing; when i moved here, it never occurred to me that i’d be here for any extended period of time, or that i’d make life-long friends here and be around long enough to see them leave before me.  now that’s starting to happen and it’s a bit startling (disturbing?).

given the goodbyes in my future, one might think it would be easier for me to leave or even contemplate a move back to the mainland, but somehow i can’t quite do it.  i can’t seriously consider the possibility of moving away from here.  some of the reasons are sound, others may seem completely irrational.  maybe it’s just easier for me to stay?  whatever the reasons, this place has become home to me, maybe more than any place else and though i may see friends leave, i’m starting to think i’ll always call this home.