it’s been a… a bit of a surreal few days. expansive? yeah, maybe that too, a bit.

once again, it’s hard to comment fully and accurately. at least not on all of it. to put it succinctly, i’m pretty happy.  for the most part, things are good. odd, but good.

i spent some time last night with a friend of mine who’s been helping me open up. expand is the word of choice. it’s a good thing, though maybe not in the way you might be thinking (for those of you who know me really well).

on a different subject, i’m still occasionally struck by just how far i’ve come in the last few years. while i still have a some distance left to travel, probably the hardest distance, i’m good. i’ve got a good grip on life and on myself.

i had a conversation tonight with a different friend. she called, i believe, to scold me a bit. to lay a bit of a guilt trip. i saw it coming so i wasn’t surprised or made to feel guilty. it didn’t take long (it rarely does) before the conversation to her. in all honesty, she might just be the strangest person i’ve met in a while. she’s a ball of stress, depression and, though i’m not a shrink, dependency. in the past, it’s been my experience that people usually know when they’re screwed up, when they have issues. they may even admit it out loud to others, though they often don’t do anything about it. the friend in question is not that way at all. she’ll admit she’s stressed, admit she’s not sleeping. she’ll even admit she’s not really happy (though not in so many words).

i’ve started to call her out on these things when they come up, which they always do. i’ll start to ‘suggest’ that maybe she should do this or do that, to improve her situation and in move that i find completely bizarre, she immediately begins to argue and deny.  its a dichotomy that i find equally fascinating and frustrating. its like she wants people to know she’s at least moderately miserable, but then doesn’t want those same people to acknowledge that misery. to me it seems like an attention getter, of sorts.

‘look at me! look at me! wait, wait, don’t look!’ what the hell?

there will come a point, probably before too long, where i will simply loose patience with the girl. there’s something about someone who knows they have problems, but won’t do anything about them. if you’re miserable, take steps to make it better, or just shut up. harsh? maybe. it might seem even harsher when i tell you that i used to be like that. though, maybe that’s why it bothers me so much. i know how hard it can be, but i also know how much better things can bit when you actually work to improve your situation.

now, i’m by no means perfect. let me make that absolutely clear. i have issues that remain. but i don’t really talk about them very often and when i do, i don’t turn the other cheek to what the other person is saying. if i mention it, if i want to talk about, then i really do want to talk about it. i don’t mention it, then deflect by changing the subject. i’m a firm believer and example of what can happen if you take the time, if you make the effort to change your situation. you can choose to improve and if you choose not to, then you shouldn’t also be allowed to complain and garner sympathy.

i’m occasionally struck by just how far i’ve come. to say i’m well-adjusted, is a bit strange. i used to be the one on the other end of the phone complaining about all the little things in my life over which i didn’t think i had any control. i used to be the one with sleepless nights, with stress knots in my stomach, with depressed moods. i used to be the one garnering advice from some of my more well-adjusted friends. and now i stand among them. even now, years after the conclusion of my therapy, i sometimes find it just a bit startling; pleasantly so, but still….

i get so frustrated with her, because, aside from not listening to me, she seems determined to continue in what i see as a sad existence. who knows, maybe she’s actually happier than she lets on, though if you ask me, i think she just deflects and chooses instead to focus on other things. i’ll continue to have the conversation with her, because i believe she needs to hear it and it might actually do her some good; maybe she’ll wake up. in reality, though, i don’t think that will happen. instead, she’ll continue to be unhappy, sleepless at nights with depressed thoughts. unfortunately, i can only beat my head against the wall before i’m bloodied, with a concussion….

on another note, though it may not actually pan out, i’ve been gently, flatteringly prodded to do more writing (apparently i have a knack for it), regardless of whether or not i can post those musings on either of my two blogs. i do enjoy writing, though i’m not always convinced of my prowess. as such, i will oblige. be assured, if its something that’s post worthy, you’ll see it here, or at the people’s dialectic. otherwise, if you want to see what i’m working on, what i’ve written recently, you’re going to have to ask.