… seemingly without end. (a glup of beer)
in the last two days i’ve been informed of two weddings of people i know. actually, one i knew about some time ago, but today was informed that the actual wedding is this weekend. no, i’m not invited. i went to college with the guy and we were in the same fraternity. truthfully, we weren’t really ever friends. we were acquaintances who had friends in common. if anyone thought i was strange, shy, and socially awkward in college would look at this guy and think i was normal by comparison. this is not an exaggeration. and as bad as i was with women, he was oh so very much worse.Â
back then, however unlikely it might have seemed (or how unlikely it still seems today) i took some small comfort in the knowledge that i’d beat him to the altar (or rather, chupah). i have issues, there’s no doubt, but knowing that there was someone i actually knew who was worse, gave me some small glimmer of hope. of course, as it turns out, those tiny hopes have been thoroughly crushed.
at the other end of the spectrum (i’m not sure which spectrum, but it somehow makes sense to me), i got an email yesterday from a friend of mine, who just happens to have been my very first girlfriend in the seventh grade, announcing her engagement. i can’t say as i’m completely surprised, though admittedly, the timing did catch me a bit off guard.
additionally, my best friend from college has set the date for his wedding less than one year from now…. (a glup of beer)
all this reminds me of one seemingly inescapable fact; i’m single. the last girlfriend i had is married with a kid. oh, and i haven’t had so much as the prospect of a date in what is quickly approaching six years (or even more, depending on from where you want to start counting).
i’ve probably said it before (i don’t like going back and hunting through previous posts for what i have or haven’t said, this is quicker), but i gave up on the notion of meeting girls, going on dates, or getting married some time back. this just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. i won’t be so silly and full of self-pity as to fully blame this on g-d, or fate, or whatever. yes, i have issues. no, i’m no good at relating to the opposite sex (particularly if i feel any kind of attraction). watching me flirt is like watching a fat, naked blind man try to play basket ball (got the visual?); it is at the same time both sad and amusing.
95 percent of the time, i’ve totally accepted the limits of my ability in this particular arena and accepted the notion that hawaii probably isn’t be best place for me to try and find ‘a nice, jewish girl,’ as my mom is hoping for. or any girl for that matter. aside from the trainwreck that is me, so many other factors seems to be stacked against me…. (a glup of beer)
i’m a short, squishy, balding, haole from the mainland in a city (and state) practically overflowing with tall, dark, and handsome islander-surfer boys. recall here, again, the image of the blind, naked basketball player. if that’s an image you find appealing, that i might just be the guy for you!
but my life really isn’t so bad. really. i have a good, steadily growing group of friends. i have burgeoning life in politics (my hobby/passion). i have family that loves me and if i haven’t yet mentioned it, i live in hawaii, quite possibly the most unique, beautiful place (not honolulu) on the planet. i’m building a life here that really isn’t so bad and so for that 95 percent of the time, i feel blessed and don’t complain.
of course, then there’s the other 5 percent of the time, like today. with all that good stuff, with all those good friends, i feel lonely and cursed with life-long bachelorhood. the next thought to spring to mind is that it’s just not fair. why me? why can’t i find a nice girl to settle down with? blah, blah, blah, blah…. and the only answer i can come up with, which on these days doesn’t bring me much comfort is this….
maybe this is the price i have to pay for choosing to live here. (a glup of beer)
Stop the bitching. I’ve got 3 weddings before the end of the year to go to (one of which is my mother’s). Some of my friends from home have kids, and now the Miami people are starting to reproduce.
Look, kid, I’m gonna lay it out to you straight. At times, I do feel the way you do, about being single in a world of friends entering the Married With Children phase of their lives, that everyone’s moving forward but me, and I do understand the confusion over that “friend” who married this weekend, but you’ve gotta stop thinking about this in terms of what others have settled for.
Maybe you’re looking for a dream you can’t hold onto. Maybe you want more from life than to accept that it’s all about spawning future generations. Maybe I became a high school teacher b/c I never want to grow up.
I’m good at giving advice, horrible at taking it. Probably b/c I care less about my own life than I do the homeless begging for money in the streets. Let’s say I live to see 40 (unlikely, but we can play with hypotheticals). I see myself as the guy finally finding happiness in my late 30s – mid-40s. Enter the constant battle with my Regret the Past version of myself and you have the future.
Or the world can end in 2012.
Or I can say I don’t give a shit about anything or anyone and be happy for those who did find a way to move forward.
Or you can continue searching for that perfect shell along the beach of despair, continue surfing the waves of emotion until you wipe out in a riptide of sadness.
Wander the corridors of your imagination. Let the doors that are shut stay shut. Nothing for you in there. Continue along until you find something new and exciting and then explore that without looking for anything in particular. If it becomes another closed door, so be it. The hallway is long and the open doors are plentiful. You just have to stop turning around thinking the past is where you’d rather be.
Like I said, i’m better at giving advice to others than taking my own advice.
nice comment, though i’m not sure you read the whole thing, or maybe focused on the wrong bits…. the large majority of the time, almost all the time, i’m content. i’m happy with my life. i love where i live, how i spend most of my time (not my job), my friends here, and so on. but i am what i am; prone to the rare bout of frustration, depression, doubt, and loneliness. am i going to move back to the mainland where my chances are better for coupling? no. am i going to frequent bars, nightclubs, speed dating events, and the like in the hopes of coupling? no. i gave up years ago being depressed and angry about the people and things over which i cannot affect change. i don’t repeatedly open a door once it’s been closed, to use your analogy. am i frustrated when the door first closes? yes, but i accept and move on. the world is imperfect, as is life. i get it. i do, however, feel completed entitled to ‘bitch’ and voice my lament on occasion. as with life and the world, i accept the things in me that are at the core of my nature and unchangeable and this means i will complain from time to time. deal with it.