…more than three months, in fact, since i posted anything here. admittedly, i have, on more than on occasion, wanted to sit down and write, but when i did my brain would go blank. bright and shiny things would distract me, causing words and thoughts to scramble. ultimately frustrations would set in and i’d wander off to other endeavors.

so what’s different now? really, not much. just to get to this point in the writing of this post has taken more than three hours and there’s so much more to say. i’m intent on getting this written, if only because thoughts and images are swirling around my brain and i want them out! they’ve upset my normally calm and settle demeanor; they’ve knocked me off balance and caused the whole world seem a bit gray.

a confluence of things has brought me to this point: a recent frank conversation, a not so subtle comment made by a friend half a year ago, my persistent and ongoing unemployment, and a recent vivid dream that was simultaneously lovely and unsettling…. where to begin? as all these things have contributed to my current lost, lonely, and disjointed feelings, it’s difficult to find a starting point with so many confused thoughts trying to simultaneously occupy the same space in my brain.

as part of an effort to get rid of junk in my room, i’ve (re)transcribed all the various parts of my chronicles into a word document.

it took quite some time and i just finished with the journal. it’s always interesting to go back and read all the things i’ve written over a period of approximately 10 years. in particular, the college years were really tough to go through because it was easily the darkest part of my life.

going through it reminds me of all the insanity, of all the friends i had, and of course of katie and how the whole saga really affected me. even now, so many years later, i still have trouble reading the entries and remembering the feelings i had for her and all the hurt she caused me. after all this time, i still occasionally think about her; i wonder what she’s doing, where she is now. i wonder if she’s happy and if she ever reminisces about college, about our friendship and how it all went so wrong. i wonder if she ever thinks about me and wonders what i’m doing and where i am?

maybe she’ll come across this blog post? doubtful. still, if you’re ever bored and want some entertaining reading, take a look at either hindsight or the journal….

so, i just downloaded this program, MarsEdit, which allows me to create and edit blog posts from the comfort of a program on my Mac, without having to to out to the site on a web browser.

i’m checking out the usefulness robustness of the program with this post. if i get hooked, which i’m not sure i will, the app costs something like $40. at that price i’m even less sure i’ll want to keep it, but i thought i’d give it a try and see how well it works.

upon first glance, i’m not sure it’s going to be good for anything other than writing and editing posts, which is fine, but it would be so much cooler if i could deal with comments, plugins, and even theme modification from here. oh well… we’ll see how it goes.

i randomly came across this address tonight. it is a really old web page I built sometime toward the end of my college career.

it makes me chuckle that the site is still there despite have been utterly forgotten by me for at least a decade. i share it for your amusement, as well.

i had drinks the other night with a couple of friends, both of whom are having women troubles. through the course of our conversation, as i tried to offer help and council, the microscope was turned my direction. of course, i don’t have women troubles, at least not in the way they do, and so i played it off like i am happy with my life of perpetual bachelorhood.

now, don’t misunderstand. there is a large part of me that truly has no complaints about my life. i’ve taken my trials in stride and have very few complaints about my life. i may have no job, live with a chronic illness and on a shoestring budget provided by unemployment insurance benefits, but i’m doing exactly what i want to be doing. i get to spend every day doing what i love; politics.

most of the time i think a woman would certainly complicate what i describe as a simple and happy life. my schedule is sporadic and every day is a bit different. i don’t like much the idea of having to divide my time between a relationship and trying to build a reputation and potentially a career. and i told my friends this, leaving out the “most of the time” bit. i made it sound like the last thing i want, or need, is a relationship.