its just after 1am and though i probably should be sleeping, i’m wide awake. this happens occasionally, though not as often as it used to. insomnia. i’ve dealt with bouts of insomnia for as long as i can remember. it just happens. i’ve never quite been able to tell when or why a sleepless night would find me, but they’ve always seemed to, sooner or later. all i’ve ever been able to say is that my brain works extra hard at something and the constant firing of neurons keeps my eyes open when i want to close them and keeps my thoughts running when i want them to cease. its annoying, certainly, but its just something i’ve learned to deal with….

i feel a bit lost. lonely. i’m not sure why, though i can’t say its sudden; the feeling’s been creeping, gaining on me for a little while now. it seems every day something else adds fuel to the fire, giving it speed. making it harder and harder to outrun. so here i am, finally overtaken. and while its a certainty that this will pass, as it always does, knowing that somehow provides me little comfort. i feel lonely and lost.

(a fun and happy post….)

these aren’t things we think about every day, though i think its safe to say that just about every one has had to deal with either the death of someone close to them, or a serious illness.

for my part, i’ve been witness to the slow decline and ultimate demise of three of my four grandparents (the forth died when i was very young). needless to say, it’s not fun. a friend of mine has been battling serious illness for some time and i received news today that they’ve taken a turn for the worst. while i sort of knew it was comming (‘it was only a matter of time’) i can’t help but be shocked. floored. saddened.

in light of this news, i feel the need to reflect a bit…. most recently (a couple of years ago) my grandfather (my father’s father) passed. after my grandmother died, he was still active, though depression set in and i think some will left him to continue. it was just about a year later than he died. cancer. when he took a turn for the worse, i traveled to arizona to visit him in the hospise center. even though i knew the situation, i wasn’t prepared to watch him die. i wasn’t prepared for the phone call, urging me to rush over because the end was near. even in light of the situation, the thought of death was somehow pushed out of my brain.

in the last days, he was asleep except for brief moments; the pain medication made sure of that. thankfully, i was able to spend some time with him at the end. and was able to say goodbye.

we all know death is inevitable. it’s the only true certainty in life. and yet, we’re always seemingly caught unprepared when death does come to someone close to us. its never easy….

honestly, i’m not sure where i’m going with this. my brain is a bit frozen and i just sit here, shaking my head… shaking my head. my thoughts and prayers (if i really thought they’d do any good) are with my friend and his family.

my new FAVORITE app for my iphone is the manual for the united states of america. for only $.99 i get all these documents in the palm of my hand:

declaration of independence
US constitution
federalist papers
emancipation proclamation
gettysburg address
united nations charter
1963 nuclear test ban treat
2001 patriot act
list of US presidents
list of US states

it’s the first app i’ve actually paid money for and its TOTALLY WORTH IT! its friggin sweet!!!!

it’s been a… a bit of a surreal few days. expansive? yeah, maybe that too, a bit.

once again, it’s hard to comment fully and accurately. at least not on all of it. to put it succinctly, i’m pretty happy.  for the most part, things are good. odd, but good.

i spent some time last night with a friend of mine who’s been helping me open up. expand is the word of choice. it’s a good thing, though maybe not in the way you might be thinking (for those of you who know me really well).