so, since i’ve pretty much decided that i have no readership to speak of….

while grocery shopping this evening i ran into the girl for whom i have a bit of a ‘thing’.  being caught totally off guard and by surprise, i’m pretty sure i acted like somewhat of a dufus: awkward and overly excited.  i could be wrong, but i’m pretty sure that’s not the way i’m going to cultivate in her any interest in me.  if she didn’t think i was a bit goofy before, there’s a good chance she thinks so now.

yea me!

yesterday was, for all intents and purposes, pretty standard. it was the type of day that has become pretty standard for me, and yet it turned out to be quite unique. for me, who used to pretty much curse life, it’s an odd thing when i quite happily and easily can find something good (if not remarkable) in just about every single day. and yesterday was no exception.

after an organizational meeting for a somewhat new community outreach/political/party building group that turned out to be less than productive, i had plans to meet some new, very cool friends for drinks. the meeting, to my surprise, ended much earlier than i had expected and rather than make the trek (5 mile drive) back home, i went straight to the rendezvous point to start the beer drinking early and maybe get some extra work done.

while looking for a table outside, my eyes landed on a familiar face, one i hadn’t seen in quite some time.  we sat and chatted for a while (she ws nice enough to hang out while i waited for my other friends).  we had a nice conversation and it was good to see her, but she said something that really startled me.  in a good way.

at one point, she commented at how different i seemed.  she said that i seemed more confident and comfortable with myself.  now these are things i had seen in myself previously (or at least thought i did).  i can’t tell you how great it makes me feel to know that people actully notice that change in me.  very few (maybe one) of my friends has made that comment to me, though i guess that fact that i see and talk to them everyday might make it hard for them to notice.  it’s kinda like looking at someone everday and not noticing them getting older.  sure you can tell if you look at an old picture, but from day to day, one usually doesn’t pick up on these things.  needless to say, her observation completely made my night.

there is no doubt in my mind that i am a different person than i was a year ago.

and there are other things.  in the last week, i’ve received to other very nice and, to be honest, very surprising compliments.  i guess even though i see these changes in me and am thrilled by them, i’m still surprised when other people pick up on them.  i still take compliments like a blushing school boy; ‘awe shucks.’

there are still things that i need to work on and still see room for improvement, but i no longer fixate on these things.  and of course it’d be nice to find a girl of interest, who is actually interested in me, but such is life.  and tomorrow is another day….

i’ve actually gotten pretty good about keeping this thing up to date.  the last blog i had (though technically this is just an extention) i would go months without posting anything.  i think i’m just more motivated since i feel like it’s more my own.

anyway, i’ve been thinking about posting off and on all day and since i’ve got some time to kill, i will.

tomorrow is election day.  d-day for candidates and incumbents all over the country.  it’s going to be an interesting day to say the least.  for my part, i’ll be chairing one of the voting places here in honolulu, which means a really long day for me.  up at 4am, open polls at 6am (or is it 7am), close polls at 6pm, victory party at akaka HQ as soon as i’m done.  i probably won’t be in bed before midnight tomorrow and will try to get to bed relatively early tonight.

it certainly has been a interesting year.  at the beginning of the year, i wasn’t involved in politics here at all and knew nothing.  almost a year later, i feel like i have done so much and met so many people.  some of the people i’ve been working with have been so good to me and have shown me some of ‘the ropes,’ as it were.  without their confidence in me, my experience would have been completely different and not nearly as meaningful.

and next year could be even more intriguing and exciting, but there’s still some time left in ’06 and the next couple of months could be really interesting.  i could see my life (potentially) change drastically, but we’ll just have to wait and see.  i don’t want to jinx anything or spoil any surprises.

there are other things to talk about and a trip to MN in the coming weeks that i’m very excited about, but i’ll save all that good stuff for another day.

somehow the more i think about it the more appropriate it seems to be.  it was a day full of surprises, scares, and dark thoughts.  aside from the $1700 car repair bill, which is scary enough, my brain has been straddling two universes: this one in which disappointments frustrate and depress me and another in which i take those same disappointments more or less in stride.

let the horror story begin.  monday night, maybe technically tuesday (halloween) morning, i sent an email to a girl.  i had met her some time back, but it wasn’t until last weekend that i actually spent any real time with her.  and i certainly never spoke to her before.  it should go without saying, but i’ll say it anyway, she is adorible.  and by the end of the weekend (having spent both friday and saturday night hanging out with her and other friends) i was intrigued.  the email, having been written approximately 24 hours earlier, asked her out on a date.

the scary part isn’t that i asked (though it is a bit startling).  the scary part is that there was very little fidgeting and worrying done on my part.  in the past, this sort of action was preceded by days or even weeks of internal deliberation.  i was interested and i (pretty much) just came out and asked.

this would certainly be a strange and spooky story if she had said ‘yes,’ but as it happens, i haven’t wandered totally into an alternate universe.  my reality remains at least partially intact.  where the universe does skew is at my response to this, yet another, crushing defeat at the hands of the opposite sex.  i was not, i am not broken into little pieces of bitterness.  i took the rejection in stride, even after thinking i might actually win around.  i am not a broken, bitter little man all over again.  sure, i’m disappointed, but not angry at my continuing string of bad luck.  i’m not bitter at the entire female gender, as i would have once been.  i’m still standing in once, mostly unaffected piece.

into what alternate reality have i stumbled?  what kind of body snatcher has replaced the former me with the one sitting here now?  what the hell has happened?  mind you, i’m not complaining.  i mean, not exactly.  while this most recent response to rejection allows me to get back on the horse much more quickly, it is new, unfamiliar, and a little unsettling.  i was used to the old bitter response.  it was of course unhealthy, but it was nonetheless comfortable.  i’m not sure how to process this new response.  yes, i am just a bit freaked out.

still, i straddle the comfortable, familiar reality.  i wonder silently if maybe i did or said something wrong.  a little voice remains, questioning if i coudl have done anything differently.  of course, the little voice can’t comprehend the notion that i’m just not her type.

as the day stretched into evening, i was shoved fully back into reality.  surrounded by couples and people in love, i wondered if i’ll ever find someone myself.  ahh, those thoughts are more familiar.  and now, two day i have returned to my (relatively) old self.