have you ever wanted to write something, just because you like typing? it occurred to me that there are times when i have such an urge to write, but what it actually is is that i just want to type. i like the motion of it, the flow. does that make me weird? ok, so maybe it does, but there are so many other things about me that are so much more weird, that i’m not going to worry to much about this one, little thing. if nothing else, it forces me to write and writing is good. it’s something i don’t do nearly enough of.

so, since i’m here, typing… uh, i mean writing, what the hell am i going to write about? of course, there are topics that i could cover. i mean, the standard topics that seem to make up the majority of my entries. even my stories have the same general theme: what the hell is wrong with me? on the one hand, its such a fun and exciting topic, i really shouldn’t want to write about anything else, right? yeah, i know. even the things that are wrong with me aren’t interesting. even my issues and dilemmas are dull. you’d think, at the very least, if i was going to be given a psychosis, it would have been more interesting.

like multiple personality disorder. now, that’s what i’m talking about. not only do the symptoms get people’s attention, but even the name sounds good, multiple personality. not only would that be interesting to people, but when there weren’t people around (which is quite often for me), i’d still have people to talk to. as it stands now, most of the time the only one i have to talk to is myself. don’t get me wrong, i enjoy talking to myself, but let’s be honest, it’s not much of a conversation. without multiple personalities, it’s really just thinking out loud. and i do that ALL the time: at work, in the car, at home. i’ve even been known to do it when there are other people around.

is that because, even with people around, i have no one to talk to? or is it because i’m so used to not having people to talk to, that when there are, i don’t know how to react…? well… now, that’s an interesting thought, one i’ve never had before. maybe through the course of my life i’ve gotten so used to being a loser, all by myself, that when i’m not, i don’t know how to deal with it. wow! who needs a shrink! i can do this all by myself. i grew up feeling like no one really understood me, so i began talking to myself. well, as it turns out, i still don’t really know if there is anyone that understands me.

as a matter of human nature, i think, people tend to shun what they don’t understand. how is it, then, that i’ve managed to be the exception? how is it there are people, apparently, that seem to think i’m great? it can’t be that it just happens that nearly all the people i meet are strong willed enough to deal with what they don’t understand. no, i don’t think so. what i think is this; people keep me around because i make them feel so much better about themselves. with the exception of maybe one or two people, everyone i know, hell just about everyone i’ve ever met is far more well adjusted than myself.

it seems to me, then, that i’m a useful tool for others. at the end of the day, they can look at me and feel pretty good about themselves. pretty much everyone i know seems better off than myself. it’s like the school bully syndrome… for adults. people don’t bully me, it’s not polite. it’s not civilized.instead, people have developed a much more politically correct system, a much more evolved system. they befriend the loser. that way, no matter how bad they’re feeling about themselves, they can always look at the loser and smile. ‘damn, i’m doing pretty well. i’m good. yea me.’ i would be willing to guess that every group of people (friends, whatever) has the token loser. looking around, in my head, at my group… oh, yeah, i’m definitely the loser…. i’m a bit curious to see how many times i can call myself a loser in this entry. i’m a loser; that makes it eight times so far. damn i’m good.

i can joke (i sure can. i am a master of self-deprecation), but the idea of being the token loser of my group is not a pleasant thought, even if it is an accurate one. sure they laugh at me and my jokes, but all the while they’re thinking, “awww, isn’t he sad and pathetic?” yes. yes i am. so then, i guess the next question to arise is, why the hell would i hang out with people who think i’m a loser, who keep me around because i’m a loser? well, the quick answer is this: even losers need friends.

i think of those shows, those movies, in which the loser would go out of his way with the popular crowd: do their homework, laugh at their jokes about him, etc. i’m that guy, except without the homework. the harder that guy tried to fit in, the more out of place he felt. that’s me too. (can i just say here that i started out with nothing to say and i’ve written over a page. i think i’m getting better at this pointless writing thing) so now the question is this; do i continue to subject myself to loser status, or do i simply move on?

ok, maybe not move on, so much as quit. i look in the mirror every morning hoping to see someone else, but every morning i see the same thing. i see the loser. i think i’ve been the loser for so long that i don’t even know if i’m really bothered by it anymore. that’s not to say, however, that i’m willing to let others benefit from my loser status. i don’t like moochers and i don’t like giving free rides. i mean, what do i get out of this arrangement? oh yeah, i get to go home at the end of the day and feel crappy. i get to go home at the end of the day, only to do it all again the next day. i get to go home at the end of the day and feel used, while everyone else goes home feeling satisfied. i get to go home at the end of the day and watch my roommate and his girlfriend fondle each other. ok, so i threw that last one in just for spite, but it’s true….

nearly everyone i know has sex on a fairly regular basis, but i’m just about the only one that smokes. what’s that about? i thought a cigarette after sex was part of the ritual, part of the experience. i’ve never had sex and i smoke like a chimney. maybe my substantial cigarette expenditure is a subconscious way for me to make up for, a way to off set, my 27 years of virginal status? i don’t know what made me think of that, but it’s interesting. they should do a study looking into the percentage all smokers who are of single virginal men….

back to the topic at hand. i’ll finish by saying this; i’m not saying these things to offend anyone. in the course of writing this, no one in particular came to mind. i do, in fact, have a few close friends who i would never include in this observation. it’s a general feeling. tomorrow i could feel completely different about the whole thing. but for now, this is my state of mind.

i’ve come to a decision. actually, i came to it last night, but though i’d be safe and sleep on it before i decided for sure. well, i’m awake now and i’ve decided for sure. i’ve resigned myself to a life of geeky bachelorhood. to be fair, i resigned myself to geeky bachelorhood years ago, but then it wasn’t so much a matter of choice as it was an inability to see myself in a relationship. now i can see myself in a relationship, but i don’t think that’s the place for me.

ok, in all honesty, it isn’t a decision that was made entirely by me, but i’ve accepted the reality that surrounds me and i’m ok with it. as i’m on my way to my 27th birthday (holy crap!), i look around and see people all around me coupling up: friends, as well as people i come across in social circles. at 26, i’ve missed my window of opportunity, i think. and while will i have to admit that stings a little bit, my decision to accept this life of geeky bachelorhood is, i think, a good decision.

while in the process of writing another story, i’m beginning to believe in the notion that things happen for a reason. i’m not talking about fate, because i believe in free will, but i’m talking about the idea that our decisions will lead us to a place in life that’s best for us. i used to fight against this notion, telling myself and others that i’m somehow cursed with bad luck, cursed with shyness, cursed with depression. in the last year, or so, i’ve been fighting less and accepting more.

so, while it sucks, a life of geeky bachelorhood, may be its for the best. maybe my past and my past decisions have put me on a path toward something other than marital bliss. something better? something different. i’ve been told i have a way with people: a way of making them laugh and a way of making them feel comfortable and happy. while there was a time when i didn’t really believe that, i’m starting to now, and i don’t think its such a bad thing. i mean, that’s some talent, some gift to be able to do that. if i had made different choices, if i were on another path, that might not be the case.

a life of geeky bachelorhood will have its advantages, i’m sure. for one, i’ll always be available for friends who need a friendly ear, or shoulder. for another, this life of geeky bachelorhood as provided for me a unique sense of the world and a sense of humor to go along with it. despite the situation, i can almost always get friends to laugh, even if they don’t feel like laughing. that’s pretty cool, huh? would i have that same talent if i had had better luck in the relationship department? i don’t think so.
and it’s not like i know what i’m missing. in a 26 year history, three brief and awkward relationships have given me few positive experiences in regards to relationships. i can’t say that’s something i’m particularly happy about, but that’s my experience, for better or worse. i’m starting to come to the realization, as hard as it might be, that there is no such thing as a bad experience. any experience, good or bad, only helps to define the people we are and the people we’ll become. i’ll admit to having had lots of good experiences, though few great ones. my life has been a wash of mediocrity. that wash, though, as led me, i think, to a better understanding of my life and life in general. i can pick out the great experiences and i don’t think it will be too long before i can start seeking them out.

great experiences lead to a great life and while there was a time when i couldn’t see a great life for myself, i’m starting to be able to see it. i don’t know what that great life will be yet, though there is a notion that life is happening all around me. so i guess i will come to a place where i can say that i’ve had a great life. the point, at least for this particular post, is that i always thought that great life would include a wife and a family. i’m starting to accept the fact that that might not be the case. like i said, its not the easiest thing to come to terms with, but i’m working on it.

it’s pretty clear to me that i’ve missed my biggest window of opportunity. from here on out, the odds of a wife and kids shrinks a little every day. while it makes me a little sad, i’ve always said that my friends are my family. i still feel that way and maybe there’s a reason for that feeling. i’ve felt that way for years and it could be because my life would be void of a family in the traditional sense. for me, well, i’ve got a family that’s spread across the entire country. in the course of my life, i’ve already built a family for myself.

a life of geeky bachelorhood won’t be as bad as one might think. my path is leading somewhere else and i’m learning to accept that.

4:11pm. i feel the itch to write, though i haven’t the faintest clue what i want to write about. there are things on my mind, things that have been gnawing at me, things i don’t really want to write about, honestly, because its really just the same old shit. i mean, how much time can one person spend thinking about the same thing? well, i don’t have any answer to that yet, but when i figure it out, i’ll be sure to let all of you know. it’s a question i’m sure you all need an answer to.

ok, here’s something for you to chew on for a bit. i saw this great movie about a week ago: garden state. first of all, everyone should see it. i’m not kidding. if you haven’t seen it, go. go now! garden state is one of those movies that doesn’t impact you right away, but stays with you nonetheless and begins to fester under your skin and in your brain. this is what’s happening to me.

to be honest, though, it’s not a feeling that i’m unaccustomed to. actually, it’s a feeling that i’ve had, off and on, for the last six months, or so. it’s like my brain is on the verge of solving some great puzzle, some great mystery. oh, here, this is a better description. it’s like when someone asks you the name of a certain band, or the name of a certain actor and you know the answer, but it won’t come to you; “it’s on the tip of my tongue.” that’s what it feels like: there is some answer to some life key, and it’s on the tip of my brain.

and that’s why this movie, garden state, is affecting me the way it is. the movie is about figuring out life: what life’s all about, what happiness is, how we should be living, etc. (of course, the fact that natalie portman plays the love interest doesn’t hurt either). at first the ending, i thought, was a bit weak, a bit stale. but, without giving it away (go see it!), the more i think about it, the more i think it’s a fitting ending to the movie. ok, so i’ll kinda give it away; there’s no easy way and there’s no quick fix.

life is a struggle. that’s how it’s supposed to be. i think the key, the not to simple trick, is to accept that it’s a struggle. it’s going to be hard. there are going to be parts that make you furious, make you cry, and parts that make you laugh. so, if you embrace the struggle, if you can enjoy the ride, then you’re doing alright, i think. if you can do this, then, as philosophic as it sounds, life will just sort of flow thru you. when that happens, you’ll come to enjoy the struggle. you’ll come to enjoy the furious moments, the crying moments, and the laughing moments. it’s the embracing, though, that i think i’m having trouble with, but like i said, that’s the not so easy trick.

so, then, how does one go about embracing the struggle and letting life just flow through you? how does one come to enjoy the crappy moments right along with the marvelous moments? well, i don’t know. i’m still working on it, but that’s not to say that i don’t have some thoughts….

in theory, it seems like it should be a pretty thing to do. all you have to do is accept the good with the bad. you have to learn to roll with the punches, so to speak. it’s not even so much a matter of looking on the bright side of things; for some things, there just is no bright side. instead, you have to understand that bad things are going to happen. some things just aren’t going to go the way you want them to. i think the trick is to do those things anyway, even if you don’t think it’ll work out. it’s the experience you have to look forward to.

my problem is i spend too much time thinking about how things won’t work out the way i’d like them to. or i won’t do something because i don’t think i’ll be any good at it: surfing, frisbee, swimming, etc. i mean, of course i’m not going to be good at these things right off the bat. they take work and practice. for some reason, i can’t get myself to keep with it long enough to get good….

what it really is is a mindset. i’m talking about a frame of mind completely different than i’ve had for the last 26 years. instead of doing a thing for the sake of doing it, i’ll think of reason for not doing it. and they’re not even good reasons: i’m too tired, i won’t enjoy it, there’ll be people i don’t know, i’ll look stupid, and so on. what i need to do is get over all those stupid reasons. i need to train my mind not to think those things, or at the very least train myself not to heed those thoughts.

but how do i do that? we come back to what it is i’ve been struggling with for the last several months. i have to overcome inertia. i have to train my will to be stronger than the horrible habits i’ve formed over the course of my life. i will admit that i’ve gotten slightly better at that since moving here, but not much.

in hawaii, i should be spending my weekends, or at least a large part of them, on the beach, or just outside. i should be swimming or surfing or kayaking or hiking. instead, i spend most of my weekends in my house, or in the coffee shop, sitting in front of my computer. has this machine become a crutch? have i inadvertently tethered myself to it, making it extremely difficult to get out? maybe just a little bit.

i mean, i enjoy computers and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. but i sometimes i use it as an excuse to not go outside, to not enjoy life. “we’re going surfing today, you wanna come with?” “i can’t today, i’ve got some things to do, maybe next time.” now, when i say ‘things to do’ what i mean is work on my website, or do some writing and those are both things i can do during the week, after my work day has ended.

the problem is, working on my website, or doing some writing will only take me two or three hours, at the most. that means they’re things i can do at night, before i go to bed. what’s worse is, when i use those excuses, it’s not even that i end up doing either of those things, i’ll usually end up on the couch, watching crap on television and not actually being the least bit productive.

so, i’m back to the original question; how do i train my mind to overcome inertia and habit? i think what’s so frustrating about the whole thing is that it’s really easy, at least in theory: just do it. don’t sit at home. don’t be tethered to the computer. don’t worry about failure. don’t worry about looking stupid. go live life and don’t sweat it.

i need a mental makeover, who wants to help?

have you ever had the urge to just beat the crap out of someone?

oh yeah, i forgot to mention… that whole non-smoking thing… it lasted approximately 36 hours. mmmmmm, nicotine.