smoking

I’ve struggled with “depression” for most of my life. I'm still struggling.

Dysthymia

I’ve struggled with “depression” for most of my life. As a teenager, when I first became aware that “something was wrong,” I hadn’t a clue and wrote it off as just low self-esteem, or merely teenage angst. In fact, what I most remember about my middle and high school days was not liking myself really at all and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. But I functioned. I had friends and had fun and did normal teenage things. And because of that, I didn’t think I was “sick”.

It wasn’t until I was nearing the end of my time in college that I knew there was something wrong. But I had been triggered by events that shoved me into (what I consider) full-blown depression. I still have vivid memories of not leaving my bed for the better part of a week. In the first half of my last year, I stopped attending classes. My grades tanked and I was at risk of failing out.

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as i come to the late afternoon, i’m still struggling to materialize a worthwhile post for today; i’m feeling overwhelmed.

it happens occasionally. my brain goes into overdrive on so many things at once, that it becomes hard for me to focus much on anything at all. life pressures, reminders of things i want to do, or put another way, things i haven’t done or things that are absent in my life.

over the years, i’ve learned this is a symptom, at least for me, of the mild but chronic depression (dysthymia) that i struggle with. so no real post today, instead just a list of topics, thoughts, ideas, feelings running through my head:

money and debt… online dating and relationships… photography… writing… graduate school… work… career… health… weight… smoking… presidential election… productivity and organization… home ownership….

throwback thursday should offer me a relatively easier post, though i’ll have to find a good picture. in the meantime, the best thing for me is to keep my head down and ride out this temporary disfunction until my brain quiets down a bit.


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hopefully i’ll do better with a tuesday-friday schedule.

this is my shortest video, i think, to date. on the one hand, it’s good, as i’ve been told videos much longer than four minutes are too long and people may not watch to the end. the analytics for my channel don’t seem to bare that out, but i have nonetheless been trying to keep them to under four minutes, with obviously little success.

i’ve realized that i have a tendency to repeat myself though the course of my videos, so i’m going to concentrate on not repeating myself, or should i not be successful on that front, then be more aggressive at the editing stage. i’m also growing more aware of myself and what i say as i’m recording, allowing me to self-correct on the fly, minimizing stuttering and stumbling.

it’s all a work in progress….

and speaking of works in progress, today will be day two of the workout routine (and accompanying self-restricting diet). last night when i finished i really thought i’d be so sore today that walking would be difficult. surprisingly, though, i have very little residual pain. there is some stiffness. this is likely more a reflection of the fact that i didn’t work as hard as the man in the video wanted me to and less likely attributable to my actual fitness level.

i’m kinda looking forward to another workout today, which frightens me a bit.

finally, the smoking quit is an ongoing struggle. i’ve only had one actual cigarette today (sucking on gum now), but i have little doubt that i will struggle for a while.

 

please take a moment to subscribe to my youtube channel and set it up to get emails when new videos are posted (in case i don’t get to the accompanying blog post right away). and be sure to let me know your thoughts on the magic 8-ball questions idea. leave comments here, or on the video in youtube.

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i’m sorry i was so bad last week getting videos and blogs uploaded in a timely fashion. i struggled to come up with material, so was able to only do one video last week. and then i was lazy this weekend getting a blog post up.

lazy, lazy, lazy. bad, bad, bad….

here’s the one i recorded for this past friday:

and i plan to record one today to have posted tomorrow. i’ll be switching to a tuesday, friday schedule and i hope that will be a little easier to maintain.

on the cigarette front, i’ve been cigarette-free since saturday afternoon. so far so good….

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