so, i think i’m officially over a long time, hopeless crush, just in time to pick up a second, hopeless crush.  boy, do i know how to pick’em, or what?

i think i can say with a fair amount of confidence that a long standing crush has officially died.  the major part of me is relieved; it’s like a breath of fresh air.  pining wasn’t getting me anywhere and just frustrated me.  on the other hand, there’s a part of me that is understandably, i think, disappointed that it didn’t go anywhere.  part of that may be my fault, but at the same time, i think it was just a really strong infatuation that has finally run its course.

and, as previously stated, i’ve also managed to, just in time, find another girl (who is admittedly more ‘my type’ than the first) to be interested in.  of course, this girl is also oh so very unattainable, but am happy to say this crush won’t be as strong or last as long as the last.

on the way home from a movie this evening i was thinking about speed dating.  i’m not completely sure why, or how, my brain made its way to that particular train of thought, but it was interesting and i feel the need to share.

some time ago i, perhaps reluctantly declared myself a hopeless bachelor.  one might claim that i just don’t try hard enough, though i know people who don’t seem to have to try at all, so i don’t think a lack of effort on my part is purely to blame.  i’m a bit strange, shy, and have lingering ‘relationship issues.’  for better or for worse, hawaii just isn’t a place where i’m going to find a girlfriend or (much, much, much later) a wife.  it’s a small dating pool and the competition is, as such, fierce and i just don’t stand out enough, or whatever.

i commented once, not too long ago, to a friend of mine, that i didn’t like the concept of speed dating.  i find particular distaste in its function of multiple, quick-fire dates as a last ditch effort by those who have (or at least believe they have) exhausted all other options.  i said people who attend these sessions are otherwise hopeless and just won’t except it.  maybe its in our nature not to except the obvious and disappointing nature of our lives, but i don’t think so.  people accept lives in crappy jobs, mundane existences, even bad relationships all the time, so why is it that this particular segment of the population can’t just accept?  this is a question for which i do not have an answer…..

as the above described circumstances suggest, i categorize myself as one of these hopeless people.  in the whole history of my life, not one of the few relationships i had lasted more than a handful of months.  this, coupled with years of self-doubt, self-loathing, and general fear and awkwardness with regard to the opposite sex has left me lacking the interpersonal tools necessary to compete in the competitive dating pool that is hawaii.  given this, i considered, for just a moment tonight, attending one of these speed dating events; maybe it’s exactly what i need?  but then i caught myself.

i have said before that i doubt the existence of g-d, but there’s a part of me that cannot deny the notion of fate.  don’t ask me to explain it, because i’m can’t yet explain it to myself.  however, that part of me that accepts fate believes that my life has led me to this place for a reason.  i love hawaii, plain and simple.  no, i don’t surf or go to the beach nearly as often as i should, but i cannot deny the power and unique beauty of this place; i cannot conceive of a place i’d rather spend my life.

now, having said that, i know that were i to return to some small portion of the mainland, my chances of meeting, courting, dating, and marrying a girl would increase significantly.  the question comes to me, however, ‘is that a good reason to relocate?’  i’m not sure i’d move for a dream job, so why would i contemplate doing so for the possibility of a good long-term relationship?  i won’t, plain and simple.

i like my life here.  on particularly good days, i LOVE it here.  sure my life’s not perfect and i struggle to make it more what it to be.  i mean, we can’t have everything we want, right?  i mean, that’s the nature of life, isn’t it?  i have good friends here.  i’ve found something i enjoy doing and want to do it here in the hope of improving, or at the very least maintaining, the beauty of this place and the lives of those who call the islands home.  if doing these things means sacrificing the hope of a girlfriend, or wife, so be it.  i never really considered the idea that maybe some of us just aren’t meant for that until recently.  and i think, at least in my case, it’s true.

i won’t expend energy on what i believe is a hopeless battle for love.  to be honest, there are other things on which i’d much rather spend my time and energy.  i have some friends who will say i’m quitting, i’m giving up either because of my past string of bad luck, or because i think its simply too hard.  they may be right, but so what?  i’m not saying that i won’t occasionally come across a girl to crush, i am what i am, but this particular area of my life i’ve decided to leave to fate. i mean sure, there’s a part of me that’s saddened by this seeming defeat at the hands of fate, but on the other hand, i’ve gained so much in other areas of my life.

so what i guess i’m saying is yes, i’m tired of trying.