during the last few days, aside from the prospect of not having a phone before the new year, i’ve been thinking about girls. i know, this comes as little surprise, but let me explain before you switch to your favorite porn site.

since the 7th grade, the number of girl friends i’ve had, i can count on one hand. (this bit will come as a surprise to many of you…) i’ve never kissed a girl and i’ve certainly never had sex (i’m pretty sure my mom will be proud about that last half). don’t ask me where it comes from, because after countless dollars spent on therapy and a dozen years thinking about it, i have no answer. i’m just phobic. i’ve always been. this is not the point i want to make; i digress.

i’ve always been uncomfortable when dealing with new girls (or new people for that matter). i’ve been on a mere few dates in my entire life and i can’t say that any of them went that well. when it comes to girls and the whole dating arena (game?), i’m just no good. think of any school dance you ever attended. now picture the geeks and losers standing by themselves in the corner, trying to look like they’re enjoying themselves. i was among them. as i’ve gotten older, however, i’ve gotten better at it (and psychologists around the world rejoice), but am still mostly awkward and uncomfortable.

i’ve come to realize recently (though i’ve always sort of believed it) that i am going to be single and lonely for the rest of my natural days. now i have friends who i’m sure are going to argue with me on this and that’s fine. i’m at peace (mostly) with this reality that is my life. they’ll call me a pessimist. they’ll say this thinking is self-defeating and self-fullfilling. and in some ways, they’re correct, but this does not make me a pessimist.

for years, i’ve contended that i am a realist. the world is cold and brutal and i have no illusions that it is anything but. john cusack’s character in high fidelity has a great line that i have come to embrace. i’m not going to quote it here, but will sum it up; all around, i’m probably a five for six on a scale from one to 10. i’m not the worst guy out there, i’m not totally undatable, but i’m certainly not a top-rate, prime catch. i’m a middle weight. and that’s fine, i’m not sure i want to be anything else. but most of the girls i’ve been interested in or attracted to have been out of my weight class. a middle class fighter will never beat a heavy-weight and, on the flip side, a heavy-weight would never take a fight with a middle-weight.

i fully admit that i am aiming for girls outside my weight class. i wouldn’t have it any other way. i freely admit that my standards regarding girls is relatively high (as it is with my friends) and having said this, i have to prepare myself for the fact that i will never get the kind of girl that i am aiming for. simply put, it defies probability. that’s reality.

sure, i could lower my standards and improve my chances for a meaningful relationship accordingly, but why would i do that? why should i settle for less? if you have a reason, i’m willing to listen, i’m not sure you could convince me, though. so, given this, the realist in me is preparing for a long and lonely life. i will most likely never have a long-term meaningful relationship. i will most likely never give my parents any grandchildren. i will spend the rest of my life enjoying my time with family and close friends.

if you aim for the stars, that’s great, don’t stop. all i’m saying is be prepared for a long and hard fall. that’s not pessimism. i’m just being realistic about the decisions i’ve made about my life and the girls i find to be interesting and attractive.

take this for what you will, but let me say one more thing; what i hate more than being called cute is being felt sorry for. i have very few regrets about my life and don’t need pity. i felt i needed to say that, just to make it clear. i just felt it important to get these thoughts out of my head and what better way to do that than share them with the whole world.

goodnight.