while at work one day last week, i got a call from one of the agents in our hilo office. she was saying goodbye. i’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned it, but the department i work for is being sold to another agency. anyway, this agent had called regarding a problem she was having, but after i solved the problem, she had some very nice things to say to me.

while i don’t remember the specifics, or the exact words she used, she told me that she liked working with me. she thanked me for being so nice, patient, and helpful, which if course is always nice to hear, though i’ve heard it lots of times before (immodest? maybe.). but that’s not what i’m writing about. she went on to say that i have a way with people and that no matter how long i’m in someone’s life, i have a way of making an impression. i’m unforgettable, which is also nice to hear, but its more than that.

the best way to describe what she meant is to give an example. after i graduated from college, i worked for the medical practice, of which my father is a partner, for several months. even now, all these years later, they not only remember me, but they often ask my father about me. when i visit my father, they want to see me on the unit. to some extent, i guess, they miss me. admittedly, i don’t remember a lot of them, or their names, but they all remember me and keep tabs on me via my father. i only worked there for a few months, but i left a lasting impression and impact, apparently.

i’ve known for years and years that i have this certain way with people; people i meet only briefly always seem to think i’m so great. i think most people would be flattered and think its a great thing. and so do i, but i’ve also always had a really hard time with it. i’ve never really understood what it was about me that is so impactful. i’ve never thought myself that special, interesting, memorable, etc. i understand now that this confusion of mine is a product (byproduct?) of years of self-doubt, self-loathing, and depression. even after i started getting better (i’m still getting better) i’ve had trouble grasping this concept. part of me, to this day, still doesn’t get it, though i accept that people have this view of me which i find increadibly flattering. of any of the compliments i’ve received over the years, this is by far my favorite.

so while, it has been my experience over the years for people to react to me in this way, i’ve never had someone SAY IT, say it to me directly. at least someone who isn’t obligated by family ties to do so. and when this agent told me directly, it was of course nice to hear, but it was also the first time i recieved that compliment that i didn’t automatically flinch. it was gracious and unbelievably nice of her to say.

so i guess this… i don’t know what this is. i guess the point of this post is to say that i’m starting to ‘get it.’ its still a bit of a hard pill to swallow, so to speak, but i’m nonetheless starting to get. i’m starting to understand and accept.

and so, to all those people who’ve directly, or otherwise, made me feel special in this way, i say thank you, thank you, thank you. as much as all my therapy, you’ve helped pull me out of what could have been a life-long funk.