another song i’ve been listening to, by lifehouse….

its funny how certain songs immediately make me think of certain people. sure, there are songs that recall memories of places, events, people, feelings, but most of the time they’re songs that reference the memory because they were playing at the time. occasionally, though, a new song, one i hear years after, can make me think of someone i rarely think about at all anymore. someone i used to care for a great deal. someone i was in love with. someone who broke my heart.

i think we all know who i’m talking about. its odd how these certain songs can recall my feelings for her so immediately, so strongly given what happened and how long its been.

i don’t think about her much anymore, but listening to this song today has reminded me of old scars and old doubts. since katie, i haven’t cared about someone that much. given all this time and how much i’ve grown and changed, i can’t help but wonder if she really was the girl for me. we were in each other’s lives during a time when we were both sad and sick. as such, it never would have worked out. i mean, it didn’t. in the end, we couldn’t even be friends. i loved her and she loved me, but in the end we couldn’t even be near each other. we couldn’t even talk. that’s why i left oxford and ultimately why i moved here.

of all the people who’ve come in and out of my life, she is by far the one i miss the most. i know the feeling of sadness and longing will eventually pass, it always does, but while its here… i don’t know what to do. i search google for signs of her life. is she married? is she happy? what’s she doing? i know it may sound creepy and strange, but my motives are genuine. i just miss her. i have an email address for her, but she’s long since stopped responding. she probably thinks i’m creepy and strange for wanting that contact.

honestly, i think the reason i’ve given up looking for someone is because part of me doesn’t think i’ll find someone like her again. if i believed in fate, i’d call it cruel. if i believed in g-d, i’d call him sadistic. but i hold no ill will (well maybe just a bit) toward my life. it is what it is. its not perfect. in fact, a large part of it has absolutely sucked, but that’s how it goes. that’s life.

still, as i write this, i can’t help but hope these words drift out into the infinite web and make their way to her, somehow. i hope she’s happy. i wish she missed me as much as i miss her. i don’t know what, at this point, i’d give to start over with her. i don’t have much to give.

here’s hoping….